topic Struggle from day to day after break up in Relationship and family issues

Struggle from day to day after break up

John2018 — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 01:42:23 GMT

Hello,

I have recently gone through a break up (almost 8 weeks) which may seem like Mental abuse as we have split a couple of times & got back etc. I got used to this behaviour and I allowed it. My friends would see & say I was getting abused mentally.

i seem to only think of the good times and avoid the bad thoughts, I like that about me in normal circumstances.

i get anxious leading up to the weekend As I know I will possibly get bored of my own company, u see I have somehow maybe become co-dependant

My ex suffered from what I believe PTSD, took meds for anxiety and depression (though recently would say I never had depression only anxiety-this was a shock to hear) I would do anything to help, but I got blamed for things I did not even feel I did-unfortunately at times I would go quiet as she would treat me horribly, I even voiced that I would not accept the behaviour any more 😞 though this pushed her away. I always put others first and I thought that was a nice trait to have.

I see her and she seems to be happy and I think to myself how this could be possible

It’s like I am addicted to the pain, I find the relationship was what I’m addicted to so I struggle to move on. I still feel I love her though I know it’s not good for me. I tried all in my power to get us to counselling but she always avoided it! Last year we did 3 sessions and it worked well but our counsellor went on a break and we never re-booked.

Don’t even know why I’m writing this?

i struggle to get out of bed (my couch) it’s almost mid day & I just want to try & get used to my own space. I want to leave the house to go for a walk all the time, try and catch up with ppl though ppl are busy doing whatever it is they do, you know with family etc.

I don’t know if that is normal so early in a split? Yesterday I cried a lot.

Last night a friend came walking & at first I was a mess, to the point he wanted us to go to a hospital. He has depression and has it all under control with his dr. though after crying getting it out we walked for 2 hours and I was happy again.

i wish God would speed things up for me.

i try mindfulness,meditation but recently have stopped. I really want my life to be normal again (what’s normal right)

I posted considering I’m on my couch still. Is this bad that I’m still on the couch or can I hav a day or maybe a few like this? This week was a tough one and I did find it hard every morning to get up.i hope I have not bored anyone. Thanks for listening/reading.

Struggle from day to day after break up

IsaJett — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 02:05:45 GMT

Hi John..

welcome to this forum

yes we are all listening ..thanks for posting

you are not alone..break ups are hard

take your time with it..be gentle with yourself.

Its time to be show yourself some love. I too was co dependent ...and did not see anything wrong with it...But I lost myself completely...I was just living for others...putting everyones needs ahead of mine. It happens quite easily ...And I only just realise that it is important to stay true to oneself ...and maintain ones identity .Your awareness is essential for future relationships.

Your pain at the moment is probably unbearable. But trust me ...this will pass..and IT IS Temporary !!! Trust that it will be ok.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will smile again and feel again.

Cry all you want ..trust me you will feel better.

Take all the time you want on that couch..hahah don't feel bad about it.

Show yourself some compassion.

I have meditation that I used to listen to Jason Stephensen ...he talks you through a sleep process and letting go of a relationship...boy was I glad I found him on youtube. I suppose you can find a female voice one if you like but those things are great ...to keep your mind off things. I would give it a burl

I also did yoga...but any form of movement would assist if you can manage...hahaha . Maybe roll off the couch and go into a sit up position ....do 5 sit ups...or stop at 1. But you get the drift ...smalll little steps.

I know I used to have days where I didn't move an inch and I needed to do just that for my sanity. Don't blame yourself for taking time out for yourself. I used to blame myself and self sabotage ...just be kind to yourself.

Keep smiling John

Struggle from day to day after break up

John2018 — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 02:22:08 GMT

Thanks Isabel,

i did try to connect today with the live chat but it’s not 3pm yet so I posted.

Thsbk you for your reply as I must admit I was checking back.

i have a question, everybody says to me to be kind, or gentile to myself as you too have done. I truly don’t know what that means? Could someone please explain it to me as I feel this might make a big difference

Struggle from day to day after break up

IsaJett — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 02:32:01 GMT

Hi John

I blamed myself a lot of the times for what went wrong. was I too nice ? Was I too clingy? What if i did this ? what If did that?

I took it all on the chin.

It was an affair that killed our marriage . He cheated but even then I still blamed myself for it..which had no sense. It took me a while to realise I did not love myself enough to remove myself from the toxic situation. choosing to stay instead of leaving...afraid of change. I did not leave because I did not believe that i deserve love. I gave him a lot of slack as well...was forgiving and all that. but it was at my expense because nothing changed. in fact things got worse. So now I have split and its all about me caring for myself ...what I want to eat ...what I want to do...what I want in my life etc...etc... selfish as it may sound but its freaking awesome.

Struggle from day to day after break up

John2018 — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 02:44:42 GMT

See I’m going through that stage now that I do blame myself but I try and block it out.

somehpw I was made to feel like I was not trying but I truly I was trying everything.

My son was starting to get uncomfortable with her as he would ask if she was going to be home, so this made me wake up I suppose and I asked her to move out and to try to get back to basics. Agreed at first though some how it did not last as a few weeks later she ended it which did devastate me. I had truly let my guard down and convinced myself I would give it my all again.

I care so deeply for her but the mental abuse has really affected me, I just don’t know why I don’t feel relieved... I seriously have lost myself and I still don’t even know what I enjoy to do, hence why I do my walks.

im considering going to my dr on Monday and seeing if it is appropriate to get on something that might help with the thoughts. This does scare me but not been happy scared me more

Struggle from day to day after break up

IsaJett — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 02:46:00 GMT

So when you put yourself first and love yourself first ...you kinda set the tone for the way others treat you . I also am like you ...as in I was always putting others first..and that can work in ways that could sometimes hurt us.

i now firmly believe that when two people are in a relationship ...you show love and respect to each other..come together to make each other stronger and want to be better people. Often people get stucked in relationships where they feel small...and helpless and like...oh I can't live without him/her. which was me...a while ago.

I couldn't see how life would be without him...like I would rather stay stuck in burning hell with the gruelling pain...than leave him. But I learned the absolutely hard way and hence I survived to tell my stories to others so they too can see that it can be done. I am so happy to report that I am doing so well today in spite all the things I went through. I must admit I did not see much hope back then and it would just be in pitch darkness. But boy was I wrong . The art of letting go is also crucial...we gonna learn when to let go... I think I hung on for way too long. But that was the time I needed. Letting go of the relationship is one thing...and then telling yourself to let go of the pain ...is another. You have to give yourself the permission to let go of the pain. Believe I was in a world of pain and I searched and I searched...lol ..and look at me now..Im so damm happy now.

Look for the silver lining...trust me there is one...might not see it now ..but its there.

Think about the lessons she taught you if any.

Its better to have loved and lost and not loved at all.

I will jump online later too so find me there 🙂 haven't actually tried the online thing

Struggle from day to day after break up

IsaJett — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 02:51:26 GMT

trust me john you will be happy again...just give it some time.

How old is your son??

you mentioned you were made to feel you werent trying hard enough...did she make you feel that way??

I have heard that some people could be manipulative in a relationship and make you feel helpless ..was this the case with you at all??

Struggle from day to day after break up

John2018 — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 03:07:55 GMT

My boy is 11 and is very well mannered and quite responsible.

i was always second guessing myself, always thinking of what I was doing would be ok. I never got compliments and when I found something I would like or something I might consider we do, she would always offer alternatives. It’s hard explain.

i worked and provided, I’m scared to say to much on here but I did well and I was only reminded of my failures in business (meaning deals that might have not gone through) keeping in mind lots of other deals did go through.

it was always like I was second guessing myself and I did worry as I really wanted to please her. When she did compliment it was after I asked if this looks good it is this ok... I was always chasing her acceptance I suppose. It really hurt but I somehow still want her as I feel we could fix these things with the right counselling.

though it’s not possible anymore as we have separated.

Struggle from day to day after break up

John2018 — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 03:09:49 GMT

I did feel worthless which hurt me so much.

I found myself saying that a lot and I currently feel worthless.

Struggle from day to day after break up

IsaJett — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 03:31:43 GMT

hi John

you are not worthless...you are very much like me..I did everything to please him. But why wouldn't you when they are the centre of your universe. I felt worthless too...so worthless it was not even funny. and especially with all I did...i did not get anything in return. And I think thats where the worthlessness came in..you are like pounding on the door and no one is answering you back .

I would say I love you to him and he would be like a brick wall and gave me absolutely ZILCH!!!!

Would try to hold his hand to try and bring the love back just to have it flicked away.

But that is all my past...painful as it was ...but i learned so much about myself. It was by no means easy. I know you are in a world of pain now...but if I can show u what I see now..i hope it can ease your pain somehow..but just trust that you will be ok.

A relationship is a two way street...usually when it goes only one way...issues arise. I felt worthless for a long time coming but couldn't pinpoint it...it is so subtle until you can step out of the situation and be an outsider looking in then you will see the imbalance and it explains why you feel the way you feel.

Struggle from day to day after break up

John2018 — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 03:47:52 GMT

Thank you for taking your time to talk to me on a weekend 🙂

i do struggle and I’m trying to not by blocking it out and this week has gotten tough.

i did all those things too, sometimes though she would try but it was like a bipolar environment at times as it would switch.

I feel like I have failed! Though at the time I remember wanting out, and not wanting to put up with it anymore.

everything would get turned around onto me and I would walk away second guessing myself.

Our friends would say it’s just not fair how I get treated and that I deserve better 😞

now im scared of even that thought, like I’m getting old now, maybe the next person will not be right either. It all overwhelms me.

i sometimes struggle to even function. It scares me.

Struggle from day to day after break up

IsaJett — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 04:10:03 GMT

Hi John

Don't be afraid of getting old. The next person would be a better fit cos you know what to look for and more importantly what to avoid.

The thought of ending up alone I think scares most people myself included. I remember not functioning at all when I had the split. I remember feeling so much pressure on my shoulders with my son who is 12 now.

This is a good time for you to start focusing on yourself . What is one thing you haven't done that you would like to do but never had the chance to ? Besides the walk. Some kind of hobby...tap into that first and see how you go. its a start in the right direction.

I started to play the guitar and my dance since my split...things I wanted to do ...but never had time to. be your own best friend john

The things you are telling yourself now...would you say those things to a friend that is going through what you are going through??

I spent a long time beating myself up over and over again for what could have been, which is what I hope wouldn't happen to you. Therefore I share my story with you 😉 give yourself permission to let go and permission to be happy again, permission to be yourself and shine again.

Struggle from day to day after break up

John2018 — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 04:32:43 GMT

Thank you and I am trying. Truly.

i just had my parents ring me to check on me and that went bad as they started dating that I’m stupid and I should just let go and be happy which really upset me

Struggle from day to day after break up

IsaJett — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 04:39:03 GMT

Hi john

your parents care about you and I don't think they meant to say you are stupid ..so don't worry about that . They just don't want to see you hurting ...probably don't quite know how to convey it...lol.. you know they love you:-)

How long were you in the relationship for?? if you don't mind me asking.

Struggle from day to day after break up

John2018 — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 04:41:43 GMT

Yes I know it just hurts when they don’t listen to me when I say it’s hard on me.

7 years

Struggle from day to day after break up

IsaJett — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 04:53:27 GMT

so when did you guys started having problems?? only recently?

Struggle from day to day after break up

IsaJett — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 05:02:14 GMT

hey john

I know it hurts badly now..but maybe writing would help you document your pain and somewhat release some pain...just so you are channelling it ...dont keep it bottled up. or you can rant to me here...like just get it out of your system. ..whatever you are comfortable doing .I had a friend that I confided in and we would laugh and cry and then laugh some more or cry some more . And that was an awesome outlet for me. If I had a magic wand...i would wave it for you to make the pain disappear.

Struggle from day to day after break up

John2018 — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 07:30:53 GMT

I wish that wand did exist. It’s very nice of you to even say that. So thank you.

i have tried the writing at the start and it must of worked as I was coping more... I did think for a while though that maybe she would come around and want to work on us again, so maybe it’s hurting now as that option just fades away.

i will give it a go this week.

i just went for a walk and it was nice, now I have no idea what to do, but I am thinking another walk. I don’t kno what else to say to myself to convince me to just go home and chill out.

Any tips are welcome

Struggle from day to day after break up

John2018 — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 07:31:47 GMT

Did my message come through? I hope it did 😞 as I just replied but the page said it had an error

Struggle from day to day after break up

IsaJett — Sat, 07 Apr 2018 07:53:05 GMT

Well there is something that I used to do ...that kind of helped with me just letting go.

if you go on youtube..and type "letting go meditation jason stephensen" another one of my fav is

jason stephensen PEACE sleep"

he is very soothing and just helps you sleep or relax and just takes your mind off things.

Thank god for him ..I was able to get some vital needed sleep.

there is lots of these videos out there but I found his was the most calming. go through the jason stephensen I'm sure there will be one that works for you .

I dance as well ...but I don't know if you dance...hahah but you could just pop some loud music on and just dance in your house ...with your son too maybe ...i used to do that with my son...and we have a lot of fun.

this is just to help you get out your frustrations ...thats what helped me.