topic Worried Sick in Relationship and family issues

Worried Sick

Worried_Sick — Fri, 26 Jan 2018 07:40:40 GMT

Hello

I'm a middle aged mother of two school aged children. I recently found content/downloands on my husbands computer by accident of school girls in private school uniform from leading private girls schools in our City. There are over 50 or 60 downloaded photos from the private sc schools. Although no Child Pornography on computer there is a lot of adult pornography links saved in bookmarks along with the downloads of school girls ranging in age from Kindergarten through to Senior years and only has private school girl photos. ie not from boys or co-ed private schools. The images have been filed in his computer with code names etc. Although innocent enough if there were a few - there are just fairly excessive given that they are tied up with Pornographic adult websites on comp as well. These girls are my childrens ages so I am sure their parents would be horrified if they knew this. We don't know the girls but they are just photos taken perhaps by the inhouse school photographer of girls in uniform on their school grounds. Around 6 or 8 private schools were targeted within our city.

It has affected me so much for some reason. I did confront my husband about it and said I came across some downloads of these images but he became so frighteningly angry that I was a "snoop" and bullied me into believing that I had done something wrong by using his computer. He has since deleted all the evidence although I have proof still as I made sure of this. When he became angry I backed down and did not demand for an answer as to why he had them. In the meantime I rang a domestic violence talk line and they ended up reporting it to Child Protection Services (they had my details/phone number from a past violent incident involving one of my children with their father). The Child Protection rang me the next day and visited me to chat to me about whether or not there was a child protection issue within our house. They felt it was not appropriate to question my husband about why he had images of such despite being extremely alarming and bizarre. After a 2 hour visit in my home when my husband was at work they felt they cant approach him about it due to safety issues.

I am now beside myself if my husband finds out that all these people know - he is going to hit the roof. I'm so scared I can't cope.

Worried Sick

demonblaster — Fri, 26 Jan 2018 08:25:37 GMT

Hey darl

God that'd be such a shock, wow and his anger doesn't sit well about it does it and that he deleted it all. Did he give any reason not that it's sounding good at all anyway even if it was a few and the code names, not sounding good darl. God I feel for you.

Do you have a close friend or family member or two that you can talk to about this as well for back up if need be with his temper and that he's now cornered and if he does find out. Not trying to scare you, just want to know you'll be safe. Can someone text you daily or ring when he's at work to check on you.

You could ring here on 1300224636, they maybe able to put you onto help of some sort if you scroll to bottom page on L) side in Red you could also email or chat online 3pm-12am

What I'm equally blown away with is the child protection saying it's inappropriate to question him...WHAT THE...but maybe because of potential violence to you but still. Surely this would be something they need to check into further.

Well done getting proof, thinking on your feet.

So he's been violent with one of the kids, what about you? & that he bullied you into making it seem you're in the wrong is he a domineering type? You sound strong darl hold onto that you've done everything right imo.

This is very hard to ask and probably be very hard to hear but can I as gently as possible suggest you ask your children in a round about way if everything's ok

Please continue to talk here anytime. I'm truly sorry for your situation

Worried Sick

Worried_Sick — Fri, 26 Jan 2018 09:54:13 GMT

Oh thank you. I've been very shocked at the some 50 plus photos searched on google and downloaded and filed of school girl photos within a 25 km radius from private schools where we live in our city. I have spoken to the kids. Child Protection don't want to question him for fear of domestic violence outburst posing a safety risk. But they say they are happy I have things under control and vigilant. I'm falling into a deep hole and won't be able to get out of it. I do t know what it means with regards to these images on his comp. it's disturbing.

Worried Sick

demonblaster — Fri, 26 Jan 2018 10:28:30 GMT

Ahhh god, please believe I"m not judging you, when your son said don't let it happen do you mean you didn't let it happen. The shower or did. No judge cause then you wouldn't have had reason to question it

God this must be soul crushing. So what they just bloody leave it as is for beep sake.
Obviously don't reply to anything you don't want to darl, how was your relationship till now? Is he likely to hurt you? Thinking if you have someone to stay with if need be organised. Trying to think who you'd contact, what about the domestic violence people, they'd know of safe houses if you don't have anywhere to go.

God it's a hard one isn't it. Hun You and the kids safety is first please get back up and tell at least a couple of people that won't fuel it up. Anything in this area is god what are the words, ok so some only look at pictures which is horrific in itself but wanting the shower's another level so where I'm going is & again I"m sorry I don't want to scare you more, just wanna be sure you & the kids are safe, you don't know how he's going to react from this point on. You know him & domestic violence risk.

How's he been since you confronted him?

Have the kids at any time been withdrawn or different behaviour?

You poor darling

Worried Sick

Worried_Sick — Fri, 26 Jan 2018 10:48:01 GMT

No I did not let our daughter have the shower with him. I stopped it. I have asked the kids if anything has gone on and they said no and I have been the main carer at one while husband works long hours. I want to Persue an answer from my husband again but scared. I'm angry he will once again get away with his bad actions. Everyone is so scared of posing a safety threat behind closed doors. If I'm happy and don't ask questions he's happy. If I ask questions he gets angry. Should I stay here and remain on guard in my own home until my daughter is an adult? My teenage son wants to stay but my daughter would have to come with me and I'm worried leaving my son here due to domestic incidences between them where I have had to call police in past. But I'm so angry now about the photos of school girls. What is behind the mind if a father who dies that? Should there be a concern down the track? He will only get better at covering up now.

Worried Sick

Worried_Sick — Fri, 26 Jan 2018 11:10:11 GMT

I did not let our daughter have a shower with him. Child protection also knew about this. They are worried about safety in the home. What is behind the mind of a father who enjoys downloading and filing of such pictures in a beautiful filing system? What else is there that I have not seen? He is happy today as he has deleted stuff and I have stopped talking about it so in his mind he has won yet again. What else can I do if Child Protection knows about it. What hope is there? I've told my psychologist and she wants me to leave but my son is too stubborn to leave with me and I don't want to leave him here without me. What is s one supposed to do ?

Worried Sick

demonblaster — Fri, 26 Jan 2018 11:37:25 GMT

I thought that was what you meant good on you darl.

Glad you're seeing a psych was gunna ask but knew or thought she'd be obliged to report but she knew you had.

Yeah was thinking same thing about leaving, was going to approach you soon about that too.
It could be damaging to your son, is he old enough to talk to about why which would be a hell hard talk but he thank god had the education to say don't let him so he'd at least know your reasons.

I think you'd find in these circumstances and you have the proof too that he'd be ordered to go with you but then there'd probs be resentment.

What a mongrel of a position you're in.

Do you have a good relationship with your son?

Worried Sick

Worried_Sick — Fri, 26 Jan 2018 11:41:18 GMT

My son is 15.5 and refuses to leave his family home and I can't force him to do so as he is 6 foot tall

Worried Sick

Worried_Sick — Fri, 26 Jan 2018 11:53:34 GMT

Yes good relationship with my son. My husband nice when he is not questioned about anything. I took photos of all the proof and psych saw them and is horrified but no child pornography. I want to know what it means for a father to source pictures of school girls in uniform from leading private schools in our radius and files them in c drive along with thousands of other images of women's clothing and uniforms of all sorts and health s of porn. But he denies it all. In a deep hole with two great kids and my son panicked about making sure I watch over his younger sister from future showers from dad. He's worried about his sister and worried about making dad angry too

Worried Sick

demonblaster — Fri, 26 Jan 2018 23:08:32 GMT

GOD this is just so WRONG, I can't see you but I'm hearing you and you are one incredibly strong good lady & fantastic Mum

Although we don't know who's doing a thumbs up, I usually do esp if I can't get back immediately which I do have to choof for a bit but will be back today all going well

Glad you're in a good with son, what a beautiful kid looking out for his little sister and at this age you've got a good relationship, NICE GOING, damn this. The impact on the kids & unbelievable stress you'd be under.

POWER to you, are you able to get any extra psych consults at all, just thinking also is there a number you can talk through this regularly actually quicker would be to ring here 1300224636 cause they maybe can put you onto a support line. Jeez I know you've got so much to be thinking about as to what's the best to do. I guess at this point you'd be needing anonymity till you sort what to do in case of violence

What about ringing Child protection again cause they know the score, I get the DV part but it's still sounding poor on their part because of the obvious BUT if they can't help more could ask if there's a support no:

Sorry I know I'm constant on this but do you have somewhere to at very least take daughter & you if need be
Spose one good is he's ok in between. It's a mental Illness

Cya later

Worried Sick

demonblaster — Sat, 27 Jan 2018 04:42:39 GMT

Darl If it gets to police or court if the system works with the proof you've got you'd be granted custody from what I hear. Aware & hate the trauma for son & resentment aspect for you both & hard to hear but he can be forced to go with you, far from ideal but if he's at potential risk of harm as you know from previous occasions
Sons loyalty to him, unconditional love or god how to say, ok gotta put it out there is it possible hubbies got something over him or threatened to hurt sister you or him. How's their relationship apart from previous domestics, I know violence once has he other times too (sorry I am reading & look back, memory not great atm)

He's caught out so he wouldn't want to be attracting attention to himself (violence to son, police involvement or child protection service coming back)

When/if you leave you could organise police to be there with you

Think it could be Salvos connected with DV so when I find out I"ll let you know, might be able to anonymously get more info which for now I'd be gathering as much as you can discreetly (you're clued up so you'd know that) putting protection in place, organising somewhere to go before talking to him again

He's lied. You know as fact.

I'd be keeping a very close eye on your PC, do you know how to make it impossible for him to retrieve history

Lawyer? At this point you're needing to talk to someone that won't let on to him till you can figure out what to do though his obligation to report this may not apply because you've reported.

Do you have a good GP, if you can get a long appointment presuming you're not sleeping which exacerbates the major stress you're under, you need every chance to keep a clear head & potentially give you more info & help. Might be easier to put the points in writing, print it for them to read

How olds Daughter and how's she going

Sorry untold questions, wondering if son looks up to anyone who could help you to convince him

My heart truly goes out to you Worried please don't doubt yourself you're doing everything right by your children but look after yourself to be able to continue being an amazing person & mother

Worried Sick

Worried_Sick — Sat, 27 Jan 2018 07:53:35 GMT

Oh thank you for your reply. It is nice to know that I feel something is just not right at all. I did speak with my husband about it again today and he just denies it and has now put a password on his laptop because he thinks I've been snooping. (All of it is on his computer - not mine). He's smug and happy because it is just my word against his and he will deny it to anyone who questions him. I have proof though with photos I took on his computer showing all the history searches, downloads and files but the photos don't prove that he is the owner of the laptop. Now there is a password on it I can not monitor it as I have done in the past so now I will be forever wondering what he is doing. Perhaps I should have kept quiet about it but I though he may confess that he has a problem which needs help and I guess that is what i was wanting. He has outwitted me so he is happy now despite being very angry yesterday about it. He has once again found a way to get away with it. My son just wants me to be forever "on watch" in our house over our daughter as he knows his dad watches Pornography. I said to my husband today that I am not wanting him to have any showers with our daughter but he said that I am "abnormal" as many parents have showers with their kids. My reply was that he has never had one ever before with her - so you can't start now. My husband has said he just wants to "get on with things" and be happy and that I need to drop all the suspicion. I will seek some more guidance throughout the week. It's a dark deep hole to be in but I am not depressed but just wish I was not in this situation. I want free of the lies and cover ups. But my kids will be affected down the track and they will blame me for instigating a break up. Ive seen it before - especially with teenage kids. The dad will turn our son against me and I'm afraid my son will never talk with me again. My son happy but wants me to be "on watch" over his sister always and asked me for this guarantee.

Worried Sick

demonblaster — Sun, 28 Jan 2018 07:59:02 GMT

You're welcome Worried, while I think of it if for any reason I'm not here I'll get back when I can so if you continue talking it bumps this & others might come in too & I can catch up.

Possible Child Protection (Bloody better be) are in the background looking into this. I guess at this point it might be in your favor that they haven't acted on it to give you breathing space to work out the best outcome for you & the kids.

The following thread is new so more numbers being added I'm working on DV & Woman's Shelters but not sure when but I'll try for today for shelters.
HELPFUL numbers, Threads, Apps & Internet sites. Quick forum reference-in Depression section.

Domestic Violence Hotlines & Contact Numbers Australia | White Ribbon
https://www.whiteribbon.org.au/find-help/domestic-violence-hotlines/

White Ribbon is a DV for women

Find domestic violence hotlines. If you have experienced sexual assault, domestic or family violence, call 1800 RESPECT on 1800 737 732 (24/7 counseling

Is there anything I can do for you? don't hold back if I can't I'll try & get something sorted.

Does he/has hit you?

I've been thinking hard about this comment because I don't want to add to your stress but we need to cover every angle. First believe me when I say it's very clear you're an awesome mother
If no action taken moreso daughter in later yrs might have resentment towards you. Sorry

Oh darl it's an incredibly hard situation, heartbreaking knowing what you're going through & the kids at this bloody age.

Truly sorry for your dilemma
Look after yourself Worried

Worried Sick

demonblaster — Sun, 28 Jan 2018 12:05:26 GMT

Hi darl Salvation Army looks like a good one to check out because they cover a lot of things including Shelters & DV

Salvation Army (02) 6742 0540 big site too

Womens Community Shelters 0432630359 NSW also Vic/Qland/Sth Australia/N.Territory/W.Australia/Tasmania/ACT

Link2Home 1800152152 -NSW crisis accommodation & referrals

Hope you get some good sleep nigh night