topic Don't know how to go on with life without my boyfriend (26f) in Relationship and family issues

Don't know how to go on with life without my boyfriend (26f)

Kakapo — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 04:32:25 GMT

He has been trying the last 2 months to get better, had his first session with psychologist on Thursday (he did work with her 2 years ago too). He's been feeling lost, low self-esteem (can't love himself), and like our relationship is a pressure to him because he can't meet the expectations of being in a relationship. Thinks I would be better with someone else - even if it hurts him a bit. He's trying to be realistic. Our lease ends in November and he wants to go separate ways to recover and sort his life out (he just lost his job also). He doesn't know if he will be the same or if he will get better by the time he comes through the other side of this.

To say I am heartbroken doesn't describe the agony I am in. The pain is worse than when my dad died. My boyfriend was the kindest man I had ever met, driven and funny. He was very intimate. And then he just started slipping away from me. I was emotional and hurt, which pushed him further away. I started seeing a psychologist and taking prescribed anti-depressants to try cope.

I have plans to study next year (so does he). That helped initially to know I had something to focus on. But now I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to go to work. I'm trying not to cry at work. The pain while crying has been so bad I'm having trouble breathing. I moved countries for him and I have no family here. No really close friends. I am so scared and alone, all I want is to be loved again.

To have everything you wanted and lose it all, while still in love, is the most excruciating emotional pain I think we can experience. What do I do? I'm crying so hard and am in so much agony, I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare.

He's not who he was. I wish he would get better, and would love himself and me again.

Don't know how to go on with life without my boyfriend (26f)

Peppermintbach — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 21:17:08 GMT

Hi Kakapo,

What a heart wrenching post...

My heart aches for you...

Heartbreak is horrendous. I’ve had my heart broken before (multiple times) but I’ve also been the heart breaker too (so to speak). Either way, I really feel for you...

He sounds like he meant (means) so much to you. You gave up a lot and based many of your decisions around being able to be with him...

As you said, you even moved countries for him. I feel the depth of your love...thus, by extension, I also feel the depth of your feelings of loss and hurt too...

I think maybe you’re mourning for the man you once knew. Mourning and remembering (and missing) the good times you shared...it’s hard...coming to terms with this new and unexpected reality is painful...

I have no real insight or wisdom to offer. Only some small comfort in my words...I would suggest that you continue giving yourself permission to feel. Continuing to let the tears fall (painful as it is)...and continue bravely seeing your psychologist...

I know you have no family or close friends here, which must make it that much lonelier and harder. During some of my heartbreaks, some of my closest friends helped to hold me up. So I can only imagine how painful it must be for you to not have that support...

I know you don’t have close friends here but I was thinking maybe it would help to spend a little time with acquaintances? Obviously, I know they won’t mend your broken heart but perhaps they can help take your mind off things here and there.

Or if you’re feeling particularly brave, you could even try opening up to an acquaintance. Maybe you’ll be pleasantly surprised....some people respond well to vulnerability and heartbreak is such a universal emotion...just a gentle idea...

In the mean time, please know you’re always most welcome to write here any time. We want to try our best to gently support you as we know you’re hurting...

Comforting and understanding thoughts,

Pepper

Don't know how to go on with life without my boyfriend (26f)

Kakapo — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 23:44:05 GMT

Thank you Pepper, I appreciate your kind words.

I'm lucky that I have really good work mates who understand what has been going on. I also had a long talk with my mum on Skype last night and she helped me see things more practically and made me feel better.

I'm a little scared to let myself feel, because I don't want to get stuck in a rut. And it hurts so much when I do feel.. I'm trying to point out the things that weren't working in the relationship to get over it. And you're right I'm mourning the man I once knew - the current person he is, is not someone I would've gotten into a relationship with.

It's a tough time. Thank you again for your support.

Don't know how to go on with life without my boyfriend (26f)

Peppermintbach — Mon, 24 Sep 2018 19:45:26 GMT

Hi Kakapo,

You’re most welcome 🙂 Thank you so much for writing back. It’s great to hear more from you again...

I’m glad you had that Skype conversation with your mum. It sounds like she helped make a huge difference in your outlook. Your work mates sounds lovely too. Really understanding people based on what you’re saying...

Yes, I feel as though I get where you’re coming from. I agree that giving ourselves permission to feel can be daunting...

I’m with you that feeling can be frightening...that being said, I feel it’s also part of the healing process. But I also completely get where you’re coming from about how painful and unsettling it is to feel...

Sighs, it’s hard. There’s a famous saying about how one of the most painful things a person can do is to grieve/mourn a person who is still very much in this world/alive. I’ve had to do that multiple times in my own life, over different people and for different reasons, so I really feel for you...

There’s no pressure but please feel free to write any time to vent, release emotions, share thoughts, etc. Sometimes that can be cathartic...

Gentle and comforting thoughts,

Pepper

Don't know how to go on with life without my boyfriend (26f)

LeeA18 — Mon, 24 Sep 2018 21:29:46 GMT

Hi kakapo

there are a few of us on here that have been in the same position as you are currently in. I am 2 months in from this experience. It takes time. Unfortunately my ex is now self-destructing and has hurt me. So I feel like I go through the heart break all over again. I highly suggest you go No Contact. It’s hard but I didn’t do that and I got really confused and my mental health suffered. I confronted him about something the other day and now I don’t think he wants anything to do with me. Mind you, he was in the wrong so it might also be guilt and a tool to push me away even more.

dont put your life on hold. Try your hardest to get out. Join Meet Up groups that are available in your city. This is a great way to meet new people.

keep venting on here too 🙂 it helps.

Don't know how to go on with life without my boyfriend (26f)

Kakapo — Mon, 24 Sep 2018 23:25:08 GMT

One of the hardest parts I'm dealing with is waking up in the morning, because all the pain floods back in. It wasn't as bad as yesterday morning so hopefully I am healing slowly.

I'm walking away with nothing. So I decided to see if I could get him to compromise with me as to me, the relationship was okay before he started suffering this mental health issue. I asked if we can go on an indefinite break which he agreed to. No dating other people, so I can at least have time to get used to this all and hopefully detach.

If he gets better, is the same person I fell in love with, and I am still single (could be years) - then we can try again if it feels right and if he proves he can be trusted.

It sucks so much that this illness he's got (anxiety caused by commitment and low self esteem) can't be dealt with as a couple. He doesn't want to hurt me, says he's not able to provide for me emotionally in the relationship and that it sets off his flight/fight. He wants the best for me and someone that can take good care of me, even if it hurts him to see. He wishes he was feeling normal.

Truly this is a nightmare.

Don't know how to go on with life without my boyfriend (26f)

lost6 — Tue, 25 Sep 2018 01:43:32 GMT

Hi Kakapo,

I’m so sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like you gave everything you could into this relationship and you should never forget that. I am going through something similar. My partner blindsided me and left after almost a year together. He said he needs to be alone to work through his mental health problems, he can’t be in a relationship at the moment and he doesn’t feel he’s the person I deserve. He has asked for no contact. I feel like half my world has been ripped away. Like LeeA18 said there is a few of us on here going through similar situations, it sucks that we’re all feeling this way but maybe we can also help each other.

I agree that mornings are the worst. I woke up this morning (it’s my day off) and felt incredibly flat, I cried and then forced myself to get up. I guess this is how I also ended up on these forums this morning too, just trying to find some support. It’s been 3 weeks since my breakup and I can say that it does get the slightest bit easier, but each day is still tough. Are you riding the daily roller coaster of confusion/sadness/anger etc.? It’s consuming and exhausting.

(In the hope of not sounding like a hypocrite) I really hope that you are taking care of yourself the best you can. Remember to be kind to yourself, let yourself feel everything, but also try to do at least one thing per day that will make you happy if even just for a minute. My parents told me recently that partners are meant to be there for each other, to build each other up. I know depression changes people’s thoughts and feelings but we have been left feeling very alone and discarded so we need to look out for us now. Keep talking to your friends for support

Don't know how to go on with life without my boyfriend (26f)

Kakapo — Tue, 25 Sep 2018 03:45:52 GMT

Lost6 I feel you. It's sucks so much - I'm very fortunate (maybe?) that my partner wants to still be close friends with me and help support me move forward. I don't know if I will be able to move on that way, but I feel like I'm clinging onto anything that won't be traumatizing since I'm out here on my own.

Why do people do this.. why can't they work through it WITH us? If I was in his situation I would push into him, not pull away..

What really hurts is that his previous experiences with his family/ex have lead him to develop this insecurity/emotional detachment. Their actions in the past are hurting ME, excruciatingly, in the present. It's not fair.

Don't know how to go on with life without my boyfriend (26f)

lost6 — Tue, 25 Sep 2018 04:10:32 GMT

I think it’s nice that he is being considerate and respectful towards you. Especially considering that it is such a horrible situation. Make sure you are looking out for yourself though. If unfortunately he decides to be completely alone you will have to prepare for that, as pessimistic as it sounds. I think people in their situation are so confused and make knee jerk reactions to their emotions so it’s hard to truly know what they’re thinking and it can change at any given second.

Im been struggling immensely the last couple of days questioning how someone who says they love you can change their emotions like a switch and end a relarionship. Do you feel that way? I feel used, discarded and rejected. My self confidence has also taken a huge hit. I just feel like I deserve to be treated better by someone who said they loved me.

I hope you’re getting through the day ok. If you’re into sport maybe you could join a team? There’s loads of sports that take single players. I know that playing a team sport helped me a lot when I moved to a new city and had to make friends. Just an idea though!

Don't know how to go on with life without my boyfriend (26f)

LeeA18 — Tue, 25 Sep 2018 04:23:31 GMT

You both are speaking my language! I could have written what you wrote kakapo. My ex broke up with me (apparently) because of anxiety from past relationships. We moved too fast really. He couldn’t handle it.

I’ve had my door open to him and he has known that. But I am not too sure now. My idea of love doesn’t match up to his. I know they don’t want to bring us down but pushing away brings us down too. There is many people that go through depression/anxiety with the support of their partners.

Don't know how to go on with life without my boyfriend (26f)

Kakapo — Tue, 25 Sep 2018 12:03:27 GMT

Yuup I totally understand both of you. It does seem like he's giving into the anxiety, which frustrates me. I don't see how he is going to get better, or know he is better, if he's already out of the situation. Shouldn't they try to desensitize themselves slowly? Maybe this is his way of doing that cause he feels flooded by anxiety to the point he can't cope.

I did feel used, yeah. I was actually married when I met him (I got married at 19, and the relationship was already 'dead' when he came along). But I felt annoyed that I left my life, my country (New Zealand), and my FAMILY.. so I could build a life here with him. Granted, I wouldn't go back to NZ to live cause I prefer Melbourne but oh man it just feels rude! I've gone through all the stages of grief, I got mad.. felt in denial, tried to pick up the pieces, felt like it was my fault and miserable. Cried to my mum on skype for 2 hours every day for a few days..

After I started assessing the things I wasn't happy about in the relationship it sort of started to help me see I deserve better. Telling my mum all about it (I'm usually very private and don't share these things), she could relate to her previous experiences with boyfriends and told me I deserved better. And that no, I wasn't needy - I had normal human emotions. I just wanted to be held sometimes. He couldn't provide that. And knowing that it's because he is unwell sort of helps too - he didn't leave because we weren't compatible, it's cause his mind is unwell. Maybe one day things will be different but for now I can work on me.

Going to work really helped today too. On Sunday it was another story, I was trying not to cry in front of the patients and was the only one on the front desk. That was pretty terrible.. Today I just felt freer, I felt distracted and like I could function.

I'm hoping to start part-time study next year - hope that will help me meet new people too. I just bought a car to help me get around and not rely on him / public transport.

A big part of me hopes he misses me when he sees how well I'm doing. And the home comforts I gave him. I hope he realizes what he's missing out on.. because frankly I think we are all probably very caring and good partners that just wanted to support them.

Don't know how to go on with life without my boyfriend (26f)

LeeA18 — Tue, 25 Sep 2018 20:33:20 GMT

It takes time to heal. Let it all out and cry. I was doing grocery shopping yesterday and had tears. I take tissues everywhere.

my ex deleted and blocked me from Instagram on the weekend. He also deleted a photo. That took me back a step. This was after I confronted him about something last week. I haven’t said anything to him. I won’t. What I said must have hurt him but he has done things to me over the last 2 months that have really hurt me and I haven’t said anything or reacted. I truly believe that he is with someone else now. But, you know what, she can deal with all the issues that he has. I need someone that is stable and will share experiences with me, even these types, as they can bring a couple closer.

i hope you have a good day.

Don't know how to go on with life without my boyfriend (26f)

lost6 — Tue, 25 Sep 2018 23:07:08 GMT

Kakapo your strength in your last post is great to see. It’s good to hear that you’ve opened up to your Mum and continue getting the support you need. Melbourne is definitely a great city so good choice in staying if you like it here. It sounds like you’re taking really great steps for your own wellbeing at the moment which is the important thing.

I liked what you said about all of us being supportive partners and that it didn’t work out because of the mental illness not because of compatibility. I go through waves where I try and convince myself of that and other times where I think of tiny little things (like, maybe I shouldn’t have called him when he was studying etc.) and wonder if I hadn’t done that would he have left still. But I didn’t know my ex was struggling with depression because he didn’t tell me until we broke up so it’s only in hindsight that I can see it.

LeeA18 I completely understand about tears at random times. For some reason I find grocery shopping actually tough at the moment. Maybe it’s bevause we’re used to buying for 2 people not one? Social media is also wreaking havoc with my emotions too. The photo being deleted would’ve been incredibly hard. But great job on standing up for yourself. It sounds like you’re beginning to realise how you deserve to be treated. I’m dreading the day when the photos he has up of us get deleted too. It’s sounds silly because the relationship is over, but seeing the memories disappear will hurt.

Don't know how to go on with life without my boyfriend (26f)

Kakapo — Wed, 26 Sep 2018 00:01:04 GMT

Waking up this morning was better than the last mornings. 2 days ago I felt like I was being hit by a wave of emotions in my heart, yesterday it felt like the pit in my stomach felt anxious. I just woke up now and it was slight discomfort. So this is a good sign. I'm a bit worried I'll have bad days and slip right back into not being able to function.. Did either of you have bad days like that?

Being pushed out of his life (blocked) would seriously hurt. I'm sorry you're experiencing that. It seems cruel. My.. 'friend' (I'm not sure what to call him now.. that sucks) fortunately has always been one to stay in (healthy) contact with his ex + didn't remove them from his life. So he won't do that to me either. I mean we're currently still sleeping in the same bed until I move out probably around November when the lease is up (we have to pay the rent until then). I find myself still trying to inch closer to him in bed, and sleeping nearer to him for comfort. I'm an affectionate person - I would do the same with my mum, or close friends.

For me, knowing I deserve better helps me see things more practically and takes the edge off the pain. Acknowledging also that if he was like he is now, back when I met him, I would not have dated him. He's not the man I fell in love with.

I know what you mean about blaming yourself. I slipped into that a little last night when he told me there were things I did that triggered the pain his mother had caused him growing up. It really sucks because in those times it happened, I often was reacting in pain to him not giving me enough love (and I'm not particularly needy). I'm glad he can at least see how his past is mucking up his future, and how he has to rewire himself. It's all to do with attachment theory - and I believe he is the avoidant type. Have you guys heard about that? It gave me an enormous amount of insight to what is going on. I also learnt I am the anxious type, and place too much of my security in partners.

He still checks in with me which makes me feel important in his life so that helps. He vents to me, asks me my opinion, checks to see how I'm doing. I'm really fortunate - he is caring underneath it all. I think he's more the fearful-avoidant. He wants love deep down and is a peace maker who hates arguing, but when he gets too close and someone reacts negatively he backs right off because it scares/hurts/triggers him from the way he was treated.

Don't know how to go on with life without my boyfriend (26f)

LeeA18 — Wed, 26 Sep 2018 03:02:33 GMT

I still have bad days. It feels like just one thing after another.

I wonder what I could have said or done differently. I regret what I did last week but he has hurt me himself. We had a great relationship until he did that last week. I’ll just give him time and space.