topic A tad confused in Relationship and family issues

A tad confused

LeeA18 — Sat, 04 Aug 2018 10:13:34 GMT

My boyfriends depression/anxiety returned about 2 months ago. He stepped back from our relationship. I have been keeping in contact with him every few days as I haven’t wanted to bombard him when he is going through this but I also wanted him to know that I wasn’t going anywhere. He slowly opened up to me about a few things. Over the last week he has shown signs of being his old self. I am quite confused as to whether he wants to move forward again or if he still needs space to sort himself out. Without sounding like I am presurring him, but for my own sanity, how should I approach him about it or should I just see how it plays out over the next few weeks?

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Croix — Sat, 04 Aug 2018 13:10:40 GMT

Dear LeeshA82~

I suspect have done exactly the right thing. While there is no guide as to how to behave when someone you care abut is suffering depression and anxiety not pressuring is important. As someone who has those conditions there are times when it is to difficult to cope with others so not being forced to deal wiht someone all the time is good. So is letting them know you will be there, that can be a real comfort.

My partner found it difficult, as I'd not be consistent, one day accepting her asking how I was, the next reacting with resentment. Most importantly she did have here mum there to support her, she was not alone. Can I ask if you have family or friends to give you support and care? Trying to deal with this situation is upsetting, worrying and does leave one feeling very alone.

Talking of support, do you mind if I ask about your boyfriend? Does he have proper medical help, maybe with therapy and possibly medication too? I needed those to improve, and I'd imagine encouraging him to seek help, or use it fully if he has already started, is a most important thing you can do for him. Too many are like I was and struggled on for too long without it which simply made me harder to treat.

As I got better my relationship with my partner got a whole lot better too, I found I still loved her (something that was hidden from me for a while by my depression) and I'd expect your boyfriend's relationship with you will get better too. You would probably have a more accurate idea than anyone what stage he has reached.

It would be great if you kept on talking here, it is a difficult time.

Croix

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geoff — Sat, 04 Aug 2018 16:42:59 GMT

Hello LeeshA82, thanks for posting your comment and a warm welcome to you.

You have done the right thing by not 'bombarding' him because what someone suffering from depression doesn't particularly want, is to be asked question after question, he won't have any answers and to think about it is hard work.

If he wants to talk let him say whatever he wants, you can join in, but try and let him have the floor, once this starts it's good not only for him but also for you, simply because you won't let him go.

I know all of this will be confusing as what to do, but depression can't be turned on/off like a switch it takes love and support, but if he talks with you then that's a good sign.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

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Sophie84 — Sat, 04 Aug 2018 20:44:33 GMT

Hi LeeshaA82,

I am going through the exact same issue as well. My boyfriend has very bad depression, and it’s hard to find the right balance, one minute they pull you in and the next they push you away. It’s soo hard to know where you stand with them. I love him so much, but it is like walking on egg shells and can be very frustrating. Just want you to know you are not alone and I understand where you are coming from.

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LeeA18 — Sat, 04 Aug 2018 22:25:23 GMT

Thank you so much for your comforting replies. It is good to hear from people that have gone through this.

My boyfriend has been getting help and is on medication. Which I am grateful for.

I have got a couple of people that support me. One of those people told me to go and speak to a professional about it. I have been doing that and have another appointment this Friday. Just seems like a long time between appointments. I have also been doing a bit of self care and trying to keep my mind off him, but that seems like an impossible task.

I have found that I have been overthinking everything he does and says. It really does feel like an emotional roller coaster. It would have been easier to walk away, and I am sure that’s what he was expecting. But he forgot how stubborn and strong I can be!

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geoff — Sat, 04 Aug 2018 23:01:38 GMT

Hello Leesh and Sophie, I can sympathise with the two of you because I was at one point in time the same as your partner and I'm sure it was really tough going for my then wife and 2 sons, as I was also self medicating with alcohol.

Now I'm a social drinker, but I can't turn back the clock, I wish I could, but it's too late.

Along the way, I have learnt a lot and still speak with my ex and we meet each other at our granddaughters birthdays and Xmas.

I realise that everything he says goes around and around in your mind, but there's one thing you both need to do and that's to look after yourself, your first priority.

Please get back to me at any time.

Geoff.

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Sophie84 — Sat, 04 Aug 2018 23:07:08 GMT

You sound like you are in the exact same position as me. My boyfriend is also on medication, early days so he is still getting use to it. I am also seeing a professional, I wish he would do the same but he isn’t quiet there yet and I don’t want to push him. I have been extremely patience with him, but patience can also ware you down. I overthink everything as well, I just keep reminding myself that this is his journey. It’s hard when you love someone and all you want to do is fix it for them but at the same time only they can fix it. It is certainly an emotional roller coaster, especially the push pull senario. I guess it comes down to space and time. It’s also finding a balance between helping him and helping yourself. I am glad you are talking to someone about it, it’s the best thing I could have done. It helps a lot with my anxiety and overthinking.

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LeeA18 — Sun, 05 Aug 2018 01:42:43 GMT

Thank you Sophie. It is so hard to know where you stand when they take that step back. You remember how good everything was before this started and it’s hard not to want to fix them.

Today is a bad day for him, which means it’s a bit of a hard day for me. So I know to just leave him alone now. I don’t want to be dragged down further as my own anxieties go through the roof.

I have started to read affirmations and self-help books. I have been seeing friends on the weekends. I don’t believe he is ready to see me yet and seems to make excuses up. Which is fine for the time being.

Like you Geoff, he also self-medicates with alcohol. This is such a dangerous combination.

Thank you for your replies. They are very insightful and helpful.

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Sophie84 — Sun, 05 Aug 2018 06:05:55 GMT

Tell me about it, Trying to work out where you fit in his world is hard. Especially when you see glimpses of the person they use to be and when they are having a bad day your right your own anxieties go through the roof. I found turning my phone to slient has helped, therefore I am not always waiting for that message from him, if I check it later and there is a message, I seem to be able to approach it a lot calmer and with not so much anxiety. A good book which I am reading at the moment is 30 days 30 ways to overcome anxiety by Bev Aisbett. It is a really good book, very easy to read and makes a lot of sense. Although our partners are the ones with the depression I feel we need to arm and educate ourselves to be able to cope with it as well. I completely understand where you are at and feel for you. It’s nice to talk to someone who knows what I am going though as well. We seem to have a lot of love to give, I just wish our partners would see what we see in them and why we love them so much.

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LeeA18 — Sun, 05 Aug 2018 07:19:10 GMT

It is nice to know someone else is out there and can relate to me. This disease can feel quite lonely for the partner too. I sometimes wonder if he realises how hurt I am. He asked if I was worried about him and I said that I was. But he hasn’t asked how I was handling the relationship side of things.

I might purchase that book. Will get him a copy too.

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Sophie84 — Sun, 05 Aug 2018 08:24:16 GMT

The book is pretty good. I only thought the other day how lonely I feel in this relationship too. I wonder the same thing about the hurt as well. My partner wouldn’t know either because he never asks and when I try and tell him a little about my life it seems like he isn’t interested or preoccupied and that really hurts, but then I cling to the “I love you” and “I will see you soon” and that gives me hope as I genuinely love him. Sometimes I do ask myself if I should walk away but my heart is so in love with him. I hope these guys will realise how lucky they are to have us one day.

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LeeA18 — Sun, 05 Aug 2018 09:50:40 GMT

Yeah, I cling onto those little positive things as well.

I am sure they will see how lucky they are when they come out the other side. Sometimes I like to think that mine is just a little lost at the moment and is just trying to find his way home to me again.

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geoff — Sun, 05 Aug 2018 20:10:22 GMT

Hello Leesh and Sophie, I want to thank you both for the passion you both have in your relationships.

Unfortunately, that's what I didn't appreciate I was in denial and used alcohol to numb my feelings, it may sound to not be respectful, but it was my way of getting through each day.

Depression is a horrible illness.

Geoff.

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Sophie84 — Tue, 07 Aug 2018 10:01:14 GMT

Hi Geoff,

thank you so much for your feedback. I really appreciate it. I am trying so hard to be patience and understanding. I gently try and suggest professional help and it’s almost like coaxing a mouse out of a hole. I am trying to back off a little, let him come to me. I find there are a lot of empty promises, most of the time it’s when he suggests catching up, he is so excited when he suggests it but then it never comes thru. I think the intention is there at the time but the depression just seems to outweigh it. Do you have any suggestions on how to continue this support with him, I appreciate your words known the experiences you have had. How is life going for you now?

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LeeA18 — Tue, 07 Aug 2018 10:57:25 GMT

I am struggling with meeting up at the moment too. Just seems to make excuses. I am afraid to suggest anything cause of the rejection feeling. I even started overthinking it and thinking that he was cheating. I just wonder how long I can tolerate the push-pull for. It was push away again the last couple of days.

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Sophie84 — Tue, 07 Aug 2018 11:13:23 GMT

I know that feeling...I always find too that when we are together we always have a great time so that confuses me more when he doesn’t want to see me. Do you feel that as well? I know he is adjusting to meds at the moment and the side effects are full on. Sometimes the only way to clarify it in my mind is to know deep down inside he isn’t ready for a relationship no matter how many I love you’s I get. So I detach a little that way and look at it like I am supporting a friend. It’s helps take the pressure off from my side of things even though he doesn’t know I think that way. I also took away any expectation of him, ie like meeting up, phones calls etc, I do love him but I think he is just incapable of a relationship at the moment.

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LeeA18 — Tue, 07 Aug 2018 22:07:20 GMT

Yeah, that’s how I feel too. They can’t commit at the moment. I try and tell myself that I have to be just a friend but it’s hard when emotions are there too.

I am pretty tired of the emotions I have been feeling. Up and down. I’ve had a tough couple of days. Just this feeling that he is lying and is cheating can’t escape my head. I trusted him 100% until a couple of weeks ago. His behaviour has been erratic as well. I feel like I am going crazy and that I’ll become needy, which isn’t me.

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Sophie84 — Wed, 08 Aug 2018 10:17:52 GMT

I know exactly how you feel, Its very hard when emotions are involved, and unfortunately what I have found is that they don’t have the answers we want at the moment. I know my partner has depression, I mean why makes things hard when they don’t need to and it’s a horrible thing to see someone go through it. I have been where you are, your mind wanders and thinks of all sorts of possibilities like are they cheating, etc. That’s our anxieties coming out, the best way I dealt with that was to ask myself what evidence do I have to support these thoughts whatever they may be, when I realised I didn’t have anything, my anxiety drops.

My partner is erratic as well which I think is part of the depression. Things have settled a little but we mainly communicate via text. We only see each other every few weeks. I think it’s been close to a month since I last saw him. I am just trying to keep it simple in my head at the moment. This is his journey and when he is ready we can move forward, but I also know that at some point I may have to cut the cord and do what’s right for me if it becomes too much, and I don’t think that’s anyone’s fault it just wasn’t meant to be. I don’t think I am there yet as I still have hope.

I think it’s natural to feel how you feel. I ended up confronting my partner in a non aggressive way. I went to him as I knew he wouldn’t come to me and just explained how I felt and told him it was ok if he wanted to end the relationship but I needed to know where I stood. We agreed he wanted me in his life but didn’t have the answers yet as to when he would feel better but that we would ease into the relationship. You may need to go to your partner perhaps. It wasn’t easy to see my partner at first, he kept saying save your money and he would come see me I just told him no it’s ok I have other stuff to do in the area I am coming to you. I needed to take control of the situation and that’s why I went to him, without him realising I was in control. Does that make sense...

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Sophie84 — Wed, 08 Aug 2018 10:29:33 GMT

Geoff made a good point earlier on in the thread, if you do talk to him, let him have the floor first, listen to what he has to say first, it’s the best way of finding out a little more about how he is feeling. When my partner was talking to me he said some pretty sad things, I didn’t react at the time or interrupt as I didn’t want to disrupt his flow of conversation. I waited till the end and chose my words carefully. I also told him when it was my turn to speak that he didn’t need to respond but to just listen. I could tell he didn’t want to hear anything negative and when I took the pressure off him to respond he sat there and listened and ended up responding at the end. It all comes down to communication and how you approach them I think...I am just learning all this as I go.

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geoff — Wed, 08 Aug 2018 18:59:42 GMT

Hi Sophie, it's very easy to say with any person who is depressed that they will make contact with their partner in a couple of days, they are able to make this commitment because it's NOT at the present time, in other words, no talking has to be done, that's why it's easy to make it for in a couple of days, but when the day actually comes, that's when they get itchy feet and may cancel the meeting.

This is common as I make plans for a couple months time, but when the day approaches I find ways of how to cancel.

You make a good point maybe 'he isn’t ready for a relationship', that's a decision for you to decide on but it depends on the strength you have, I'm certainly not trying to say anything here, but when I was divorced that's when I suddenly became better.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.