topic Maybe lonliness is better than rejection in Relationship and family issues

Maybe lonliness is better than rejection

Samias — Thu, 03 May 2018 08:04:47 GMT

I can't make friends, havent since childhood and l'm in my 50's now. So tired of being lonely and pretending l'm a happy balanced person (which l mainly do so my kids don't start questioning themselves and end up like me). I have had a lot of short term friends, then they see something in me they dont like and they distance themselves so lm back where l started from. I often dont know what l have done to cause a potential friend to suddenly not want anything to do with me as l never had much opportunity to develop social skills when younger so am just left with that ever knowing feeling of sadness and having to accept rejection, a cycle that has been going on all my life. Because of panic attacks and being socially awkward l am aware l can at times come across as arrogant, needy, snobby, vain, or just plain bizzare as l stumble through conversations trying to be liked which of course turns people off me and of course to which they then avoid me. Then there is when l drink to cover up my nervousness or panic attacks then end up blind drunk and whatever l have done l will never know but the predictable avoidance from other people towards me raises its ugly head again! I presently live in a small town and am very aware that most in the town know of me and avoid me by now, so just going to the local supermarket is a struggle as it is humiliating to play the game of saying 'hello' to people who l know at the very least probably feel sorry for me as the 'wierdo' they know me to be, so l mostly stay at home and the lonliness is overwhelming causing more panic attacks and depression, l am presently at home feeling sick to my stomach from the loss of another potential friend by my last actions of getting blind drunk at their place being about the only one drinking (l should have picked up on those social skills, if hardly anyone else is drinking stay sober, but was too caught up in being so desperate to make friends to notice how others seen the situation) and now not having them reply to my msgs of plans we had made..... I really dont want to try anymore, have nothing left in me and have lost all hope.

Thankyou so much for listening to me and hoping your day is going well

Maybe lonliness is better than rejection

Lici — Thu, 03 May 2018 08:27:55 GMT

Hi Samias,

First off, I'd like to say welcome to the forums. I've only been here a few days myself and it's a really caring and inclusive community!

I'm sorry that you're going through such a hard time. I know how it feels to feel like no-one wants to get to know you, it's very isolating.

I wondered while reading your post if any of the people you've encountered have actually verbally told you they think this way? I know that when I was in the height of my depression that I thought that everyone hated me, my internal voice always had something to say ("they're just going to leave like everyone else, why would they want to be friends with you anyway?" Etc). The thing I didn't realise at the time (and that it took me a good few years of seeing a psychologist to grasp) is that my internal thoughts were sabotaging my friendships and relationships. While I thought I was displaying the correct behaviour etc, because I already thought that people were going to leave I'd inadvertently push them away. Needless to say it kept the cycle going for a long time.

I wonder if you've ever tried challenging your thoughts at all? Like physically writing down what you feel, why you feel that way, what other explanations there could be for that thought and what evidence for and against the thought you're having? I find that writing stuff like this down was invaluable in helping me realise that my thoughts were driving things.

Also, have you seen a GP or psychologist about your depression at all? It's a real struggle to try and manage alone and no-one should have to.

How long has it been since you sent the message to your friends? Sometimes people have their own issues that they're dealing with or are busy at work etc, so while it feels like a rejection, they honestly don't reply because they just don't have the time.

I really hope you feel better soon! Making friends as an adult is really hard as it is, and even harder when you have the black cloud of depression following you around.

I hope you stick around! Feel free to respond and have a chat. I may not be able to reply straight away as I'm at uni and am sometimes unavailable, but I'll always reply when I have the chance!

Kind regards,

Lici

Maybe lonliness is better than rejection

kanga_brumby — Thu, 03 May 2018 08:49:04 GMT

Samias Hi there welcome to beyond blue forums.

Where do I begin. I read your post and found that I was almost reading my own story not having friends or at least people who would be long term friends. There for a short time then gone.

In here it's anonymous yet most of the people in here are more friendly and accepting than down the pub or at your local cricket or football club. not only that in here In here you can tell most of the things that are really bugging you. Then someone usually will come up with a sensible answer that helps. And no one in your area knows it's you that had the problem. Cool. Most of the advice given in here is good. There is a social area where you can go into. In there there is the caff where you can leave messages have virtual coffees cake what ever. so come on We can at least try to be friends on line in here I have been in Beyond blue now for about three years. In my opinion I have some good friends in here.Thanks For joining our community.

Peter

Maybe lonliness is better than rejection

Samias — Thu, 03 May 2018 11:35:16 GMT

Hi Lici,

Thankyou for replying to me with you only being on here such a short time yourself!

I do really feel that l set myself up for failure many years ago exactly as you explained and am at a loss as to how to get out of this cycle of sabotaging friendships, having tried a few things over the years.

I will sit and wright my thoughts down, as l do feel better with having written the above and have noticed with reading it back l have picked up on things about myself.

I had made a drs. appointment for tomorrow about this, which is a big step for me!

I have given my friend a while to get back to me and do feel it is the end there, the main reason l struggle with this part is because of living in a small town, everyone knows everything making it all so much harder than living anonymously in a city when stuffing up again and again socially, kind of like being at a school in that sense. If l lived in a much larger populated area l would be fine with being out n about by myself or sitting in a cafe alone would not be an issue, allowing me to feel not so lonely, but in a small town everything is an open book, so awkward, shy people do get noticed making staying at home becoming isolated the better option

Thankyou Lici for taking the time to give me your thoughts and advice which l will be taking on board, take care

Maybe lonliness is better than rejection

Lici — Thu, 03 May 2018 11:47:52 GMT

Hi Samias,

I'm really glad to read that you've made an appointment with your GP. It's a super hard step to take and you should be proud of yourself! Hopefully this is the first step of breaking the cycle and on the road to recovery.

I don't do it anymore, but I used to write in a journal all the time, it was like writing letters to someone else but they were for myself. It's sometimes surprising to see the language you use when talking about yourself that you're not aware of. Writing is such a wonderful thing that way.

I'm glad my response was of some help! Please keep me updated on how your appointment goes.

Kind regards,

Lici

Maybe lonliness is better than rejection

Samias — Thu, 03 May 2018 12:08:49 GMT

Hi Peter,

Thankyou for welcoming me on board.

This is so refreshing for me to hear that l am not the only person in the world having to live this way, although l dont at all want for yourself or others to have this in your life, l dont feel like such a freak just from reading your first paragraph, thankyou.

It is so true that the world is really harsh and unforgiving, l do feel that battle everyday and yet am now feeling relaxed and more able to get on with the fight so to speak since submitting my post and seeing the acceptance and kindness given

I know l have a very long way to go but am so glad l am here now, maybe moving forward for the first time and do look forward to joining in on the social area you have explained about.

Thankyou for all your information and your warmth it is really appreciated

Samias

Maybe lonliness is better than rejection

Samias — Thu, 03 May 2018 12:20:16 GMT

Hi Lici,

I will be starting a journel as l can very much see what you are explaining and it makes a lot of sense.

Yes is a big day for me at the GP tomorrow, l will keep you up to date, thanks for all your support, my day has finished so much nicer than it started!!

Kind Ragards

Samias

Maybe lonliness is better than rejection

Lici — Fri, 04 May 2018 07:14:05 GMT

Hi Samias,

I'm glad your day finished better than it started!

How did your doctors appointment go? I had one today myself and it went really well, I hope yours did too!

Kind regards,

Lici

Maybe lonliness is better than rejection

Samias — Fri, 04 May 2018 15:16:59 GMT

Hi Lici,

Yes it all went really well thankyou, l'm seeing a psychologist on Monday. I am really glad your doctors visit went well too, it is a good day!

l am so glad l have taken these steps, the way l feel today compared to yesterday has been a huge change for the better, thankyou so much for your encouraging words. There is so much more support in here and out there than l had realised,

Warm Regards

Samias

Maybe lonliness is better than rejection

Lici — Fri, 04 May 2018 15:34:32 GMT

Hi Samias,

I'm so glad to hear that your appointment went well and that you're seeing a psychologist! That's such a huge step to take and I'm super proud of you!

It's such a great feeling to know that you've taken the first step to recovery isn't it?! I hope you keep coming back and keep me updated on how things progress!

You've definitely put a smile on my face and I'm really excited for you.

Kind regards,

Lici

Maybe lonliness is better than rejection

Allan533 — Sat, 05 May 2018 04:14:35 GMT

Just wanted to say that while I haven't been in your situation exactly, my situation is broadly analogous enough that I think I might be able to empathise a little bit. I have Aspergers - pretty high-functioning, all told, but social situations, especially those involving a large number of people or unfamiliar people are very, very hard for me. Meeting people is difficult, making any kind of connection even moreso, and certainly not any kind of lasting or deep connection. And it sucks when it inevitably fizzles out or they leave. That part, I know. I've been extremely lucky to make one friend, but even that's a constant fight to not accidentally push them away by saying or doing the wrong thing. I'm doing my best, but honestly I'm counting the days before they decide I'm too much work.

I wish I had some advice for you, at least advice I'm sure you haven't heard a thousand times before. I attend a Go club most weeks, which while it isn't a meaningful connection, does help scratch that loneliness itch the tiniest of fractions. The shared activity helps take a lot of the mental load off, because I can chat to them, or I can just focus on the game, and both are completely acceptable. That helps me a little bit, but not nearly enough.

I suppose all I can say is that while I'm not in your situation exactly, I think I can kind of understand where you're coming from, at least a little bit. I don't know if that helps at all.

Maybe lonliness is better than rejection

Guest_1584 — Sat, 05 May 2018 08:01:09 GMT

Ho Samias how u doin.

similar ages and ahh , l don't have any either. Small town thing here to l only moved to 18mths ago .

l was open to whether it works out or not but firstly was to stay close to my daughter .l've decided l'm moving again soon though , next yr or so she'll be nearly 18 and absolutely nothing has happened ofr me here and l struggle with it a lot, l don;t fit , l know that. add my natural gift of l dunno , pissing people off somehow or something given enough time, not good.

Could you just move , ?l'm from melbourne and l don;t have the knack for this small town social thing it's an art form all it;s own,

For me it's exactly like you said , even if l don't make new friends in somehwere bigger at least it's big enough that l don't feel uncomfortable and l won't even be noticed anyway and so l'm happy to just do my thing if that's the way it goes again.

Could be a solution for you.

l also use to drink when l went out to cut back anxiety but then l'd go too far and so it was a catch 22. Nut after years of practice , l realized if l just have one or two , even before l get there, l'm loose when l arrive and all is fine= after that - just sip , haha. Give that a go,