topic My gf left me at my most vulnerable in Relationship and family issues

My gf left me at my most vulnerable

mpatt — Thu, 15 Nov 2018 03:30:56 GMT

I have been battling depression for four months and one month ago my gf left me. And after speaking to certain people I now know that I was in a controlling, emotionally, digital and abusive relationship, she once physically abused me. Which I forgave her instantly because I loved her. The reason she hurt me was, she went through my laptop “claiming to check my privacy settings” and went straight to me blocked list. I had 50 females blocked because I didn’t want to get screenshots of friends with her asking who they are. When she saw this she got upset and then blamed me for having so many women that I probably slept with blocked. The next day she asked me to explain every person on the list, after 10 people she gave up and said give me your phone.
I had always said, no worries you can go through anything as I have nothing to hide. When she went through my phone she worked out I went on 3 dates in 2017 not the two dates I said. I completely forgot about the I had at the start of the year, she then found a message I sent my brother two years ago and accused me of being disgraceful to every women. It was a minor personal joke with my brother. She made me feel so bad about everything, yelling at the top of her lungs, and I’m extremely passive and avoid confrontation. She then proceeded to do a Facebook search and saw I liked a photo of my ex girlfriend two years ago, she was in a photo with my mates wfie ( we broke up 5 years ago). She accused me of being a promicuous man as I was chasing her two years ago while chasing my ex. I haven’t spoken to me ex in 5 years. When she saw this innocent liked picture she walked to me abused me. I laid on the ground in shock and disbelief. I never thought anything like this would come from her.

My gf left me at my most vulnerable

blondguy — Fri, 16 Nov 2018 12:34:19 GMT

Hello Mpatt

I apologise that you havent a reply for so long. We are usually quick in responding to members I am bumping your thread up and we will reply as soon as we can Mpatt

Paul

My gf left me at my most vulnerable

quirkywords — Fri, 16 Nov 2018 20:56:15 GMT

Matt,

welcome to the forum.

This is a friendly , caring and supportive place.

You have certainly been through a lot recently with your ex girl friend. I can understand how upsetting it is to have someone so suspicious of everything you do.

I wonder was there a reason why your ex girl friend was so insecure about you. Did she have a bad experience in a past relationship?

When someone does not trust you and wants to control you everything you do however innocent can be misinterpreted.ThAt must have been be so exhausting

All the time you were in a relationship with your ex girl friend was she always so controlling and insecure or was this something that happened towards the end of the relationship.? Were there signs at the start of the relationship that she may have controlling behaviours.?

I ask questions so I can understand and help you.

If you look through other threads on the forum you will find you are not alone and others can relate to you.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Quirky

Are you seeing any for your depression or tales to a counsellor or psychologist about the end of your relationship?

My gf left me at my most vulnerable

romantic_thi3f — Sat, 17 Nov 2018 00:02:22 GMT

Hi mpatt,

Thanks for your post and I appreciate you sharing what's going on in your relationship with us.

I'm not sure how you're feeling now, but from what I've read I'm glad that you're not in this relationship anymore. A big part of healthy relationships is trust and communication - which it sounds like she really lacked with you. There's no reason to want to go through someones privacy settings, or the blocked list, or the messages. It sounds like she was really invasive with your privacy, forcing you to explain things that you didn't really need to.

I agree with Quirky in that it sounds like a lot of it comes from insecurity. Perhaps there was kind of a self fulfilling prophecy there - she believed you were cheating or going to cheat on her, or perhaps that you were going to let her down, so she tried (maybe without realising) to show that it was true. I'm just hypothesising here of course from reading, but I know that this can happen in relationships like yours.

I'm not sure if this is helpful or not; maybe you can let us know how we can support you?

My gf left me at my most vulnerable

mpatt — Sat, 17 Nov 2018 01:20:17 GMT

Shes made me question myself, feel worthless and also made me think I was the crazy one.
I've been seeing a psych for nearly two months, then our breakup happen and the events from that have been horrible.. threats from her and also her mum... I also found out yesterday I won't have a job in feb, nothing happens gone right for me

My gf left me at my most vulnerable

geoff — Sat, 17 Nov 2018 17:17:28 GMT

Hello Mpatt, this is a sad story where you had a relationship which wasn't a 50/50 and definitely not a stable one as she had to be in control of the present, the past and probably the future.

One thing that you may have now lost is your trust in people, and you need to find the support as you reach out to other people, family/friends who have the strength and ability to handle the situation.

When you meet someone, they may change over time, but we don't know how much this will affect us, and unfortunately, this is what has happened causing depression three months before she left you.

What you need to do is to eliminate any chance of them contacting you, change your phone number or block their number including their email's, because you can't begin to get better with them annoying you.

Think about changing your attention to something else and you will see what you were missing out of doing.

In regard to your job which I'm very sorry it's going to end and certainly not at a convenient time, but this could be a chance where you might want to think about doing something different, in other word's, change your whole scenario.

The other point is whether or not you are taking any medicine would be something to ask your GP so if you can please let us know.

Take care.

Geoff.

My gf left me at my most vulnerable

romantic_thi3f — Sun, 18 Nov 2018 22:33:28 GMT

Hi mpatt,

Thanks for your post.

I think Geoff hit the nail on the head with this post, and I agree completely. If you can rally up some support from your psychologist (which is great), and us - and whoever else - then you can know that you are absolutely not worthless and not the 'crazy one'.

Even though what you are feeling is awful (and that might be an understatement), know that it is pretty normal. Breakups in themselves are hard, but you've gone through a few extra curveballs - you've been broken up with, it was sudden - and most of all, the relationship wasn't healthy.

So yeah, it's gonna knock your self-esteem, but that's okay. Because the way I see it (and hopefully you will too) is that it's better this happens now, even though it couldn't be worse timing rather than having you live with that and be in a relationship with more and more abuse.

My gf left me at my most vulnerable

mpatt — Tue, 20 Nov 2018 09:21:53 GMT

I don't want to take any anti-depressants because last time I did, it made me a lot worse and I don't want to go back down that dark tunnel again...

She had a bad experience with a former bf and would use her insecurities part of the reason she did things. the whole family have accused me of being abusive and was toxic during the whole relationship and they've let me know that through text and email. I can't believe someone you love would be able to do the things she did and still look me in the eye and say I love you.
I fought so hard every time she ended things, I forgave her instantly whenever she said hurtful words because I knew one day there would be light at the end of the tunnel and the future we planned together would be worth it. The worst bit I was blindsided by the break up because she did something behind my back and twisted the answer to make it look like I did something, which I hadn't. I bought her a commitment ring 2 days before she called off our relationship

My gf left me at my most vulnerable

mpatt — Sun, 25 Nov 2018 03:04:39 GMT

I'm sick of being upset
51 days since the last day I didn't cry
I never got to say goodbye to her and it still hurts me that her and her mum used my mental health against me and they are scared. I'm the most passive person

My gf left me at my most vulnerable

romantic_thi3f — Wed, 28 Nov 2018 00:05:21 GMT

Hi mpatt,

Thanks for your post and apologies for the late reply.

I don't know why she did those things. I don't think I'll ever understand the way people can hurt others - it sounds like you really cared for her and loved her and I can see that.

Even though I'm glad that you're here, there's probably nothing that I can say to take that pain away. Putting all of that abuse aside, you both had a relationship - you were vulnerable; you loved her; you bought her a promise ring. Any breakup is going to cause a massive amount of grief. and yeah - tears too. So while I get that you're sick of being upset, I think it's good (in a not evil way!) because it means you're working through it.

Things will get better, and I really believe that you did deserve better.

My gf left me at my most vulnerable

smallwolf — Wed, 28 Nov 2018 00:22:30 GMT

mpatt,

Hi. I am really saddened by the pain you have had to endure. And knowing what to do can be difficult at the best of times. I am read your story, and will continue to listen to you. The only question I can really ask is whether you have someone (family, friends) that you can talk to? To help you deal with the pain you a feeling.

Another idea might be to write what you are feeling into the journal as a way of releasing the grief and pain. Or you could write here? The one advantage of writing here is that other people will respond to what you are saying, and give you some support or help?

There is also a lot of good information on the reachout site as well....

https://au.reachout.com/articles/coping-with-a-breakup

Tim

My gf left me at my most vulnerable

mpatt — Thu, 29 Nov 2018 03:41:13 GMT

I gave her little hints I was struggling with depression, I didn’t want to be a burden on her as she was going through some tough times herself.
I can’t believe the threats I coped from her and her mum and the verbal/emotional abuse, yet I am made to look like I was the issue.
I just can’t believe her reaction when she read two immature messages I sent two years and April this year… she walked to me and hurt me.
99% of our arguments had to always be through text message, never a call or in person. She would use what I said against me later on, which I’ve known to be “score carding” now. I avoid arguments as I dislike conflict, and to her it meant I was hiding things from her. My anxiety has been getting worse and so has my depression, she’ll never know how much her actions and words have hurt me, because I’ve been giving strict instructions, any contact we will call the police. I never got to say goodbye. How it ended was, she used a fake profile to contact a certain individual on IG , who she was obsessed with and thought we dated in the past, which we never did.. The female replied we didn’t date but said “ I think we matched years ago on a dating app”, which never happened either , therefore I lied how I knew this certain individual and it was over right then.
I should of left her the first time she threaten to call the police over the minor incident which she wrongfully accused me of, I didn’t get an apology.. I just thought she was having a bad day so I let it slide. She kept trying to find a reason to call me a liar, sending me pics of my female’s friends asking who is this person, constantly going through my social media hoping to find something. I never did anything but show her my love and that I wanted a future together.. it seems like she just wanted to sabotage our relationship. I never asked her about her past relationships yet she was constantly searching for anyone I dated in the past. She has completely broken my heart and broken me. I still can’t believe she used my mental health against me , saying that Im scaring her and her mum telling me I am toxic and abusive. When I told her how bad my depression was, a day after we broke up, she said you looked fine two days ago 😞

My gf left me at my most vulnerable

mpatt — Wed, 05 Dec 2018 22:39:25 GMT

My anxiety and depression is getting worse. Just finding it hard to come to grips with everything that happened. Why would someone send you 50 pics in a row of 3 different women and some guys saying they’re so hot some me them abs. One of the females in the pictures sent my ex made a fake account to message her to ask if we ever dated on oct 5th, and of course we never did, but the female said “ I think we matched on tinder years ago” therefore my ex said I lied in how I knew her, I don’t even now this person. My ex also told me she had screenshots of all the liked photos I had of this woman from before we started dating, does this behavior fall under anything? Its hard to understand how someone can say they love you then the following day tell me I’m a lying cheating disgusting man because I went on dates while I was chasing her for four years . What does she get out of following females I followed trying to find pics I liked before we started dating etc? Her mum started following someone I dated in the past, why? Is it really that big a deal that I completely missed one person following me on Instagram that I didn’t remove? because I legitimately thought I got rid of them all…. Is it really that bad that I said I only went on two dates in 2017, then she worked out in was three last year when she went thought my phone? Does promising you didn’t do something because you genuinely didn’t remember doing it make you a liar? (when she sent me a text message asking if I asked a particular person out from a drink, she found a comment I wrote 100 pictures deep in on their Instagram account, when I said I didn’t ask her she instantly sent me screen shot of the comment from Nov 2017) instantly calling me a liar. This was done 14hrs I bought her a commitment ring. Is having over 60 ppl blocked on FB a red flag, I only didn’t it because I knew she would probably screen shot me the people asking who they were and blocking makes their likes disappear on photos. When she went on my fb “ claiming to check my privacy settings” she flipped out and starting verbally abusing me and then found a picture I liked of my ex girlfriend two years ago and said some horrible things to me and physically attacked me and left the room.
Also why would someone who loved you, threaten to ruin your career and threaten to call the cops on you more than once.. After the laptop incident I lost count how many times she said “I’m so done its over”, Im blocking you from everything.

My gf left me at my most vulnerable

Guest_7403 — Thu, 06 Dec 2018 04:01:15 GMT

She sounds like a very jealous/insecure person that could be very unpredictable.

I'd let her walk mate and start with someone new

My gf left me at my most vulnerable

LauraRH — Fri, 07 Dec 2018 00:31:09 GMT

Hi Mpatt,

I'm sorry to hear you are going through a tough time. When we are caught up in a situation, and emotions are running high, it's sometimes hard to get perspective and see the bigger picture.

If you are still in contact with you ex, perhaps it would be an idea to cut all ties and have a clean break so you can concentrate on yourself, especially as it seems her whole family have become involved. She does not sound like a healthy addition to your life, relationships are supposed to make us feel good. It sounds like you were in a very volatile relationship, where love could be given one moment, and snatched away the next. It seems you're spending a lot of time going over what's happened (we all do it!). But it's clearly making you miserable.

Have a think about what you would consider to be a great relationship, then think about the relationship you had with your ex. Is there a difference?

My gf left me at my most vulnerable

mpatt — Fri, 07 Dec 2018 01:49:56 GMT

I've been given strict instructions from her family, if I contact anyone they will get an IVO against me.
Everything was perfect, then one night it changed everything. When I explained everything, things went back to normal. A week later she would constantly look to ways to call me a liar, questioning me about things that happened a year before we started dating and searching social media platforms to try and find anything she could cause an argument with. I was called everything under the sun, it was like she didn't care of my feelings. Yet when we saw each other in person it was like nothing ever happened.
Everything I use as a coping mechanism, is a trigger as all our interests were similar. I wish she would of let me talk to her in person, 99% of our arguments were through text. She's in her late 20's an I'm in my 30's, the texting killed me, as I struggle to understand the context of a message sometimes as I have auditory processing disorder and a lot of the time I would use the incorrect word which would at times make the situation 100x worse or misinterpret the message . It felt like she loved to call me a liar and for the last two months would tell me I needed help because I am a lair, abusive and manipulator.
I've never cried more in my life, everyday since Oct 5th. There times at work I needed to walk to my car so my colleges wouldn't see me upset. She'll never know how much she's destroyed my self esteem, confidence and I get constant flashbacks of the night she was physically abusive and I stood there in shock and couldn't move.
It sucks so much, I had everything organised to move closer to her in Jan 2019 and were talking about starting a family next year. Now its all gone forever and her last message to me was threaten and her mum decided to join the party on that.

My gf left me at my most vulnerable

mpatt — Mon, 21 Jan 2019 21:44:22 GMT

My depression is getting worse and I do miss her a great deal.
I feel so lost and lonely. I wish I could go back to the first night we met.. She's never going to know how much she broke my heart. I try everyday to keep my mind off her but I'm fining it impossible. Our future was over through a text. I just can't believe how it all ended and I never got to say goodbye to my best friend and the love of my life. She would only talk through text.
I can count on one hand the days I haven't cried since October. I kinda fill worthless and hopeless at the moment. I really wish I could write her a letter, but they both threatened me if I do ever contact her.

I'm really struggling

My gf left me at my most vulnerable

JessF — Mon, 21 Jan 2019 21:57:24 GMT

Hello mpatt, what if you wrote that letter and didn't send it? It sounds like you have a lot of feelings you need to put down on paper, the writing of the letter may help ease the pain a little.

My gf left me at my most vulnerable

mpatt — Mon, 21 Jan 2019 22:13:56 GMT

I've tired that..
It just doesn't seem to get any easier..
If anything I feel worse than I did in October

My gf left me at my most vulnerable

JessF — Mon, 21 Jan 2019 22:20:08 GMT

Hello mpatt, grief doesn't follow a straightforward path, sadly. You may well feel worse before you get better. But the old Winston Churchill saying is, if you're going through hell, keep going. Think about the moments during the day when you haven't been feeling worthless, hopeless, or thinking about her, even if it were only for a short time. What were you doing? What else might you do to distract yourself?