topic Stressed mumma in Relationship and family issues

Stressed mumma

Ms11 — Tue, 31 Jul 2018 10:38:52 GMT

I don’t know where to start. I am married with 2 kids. My husband has barely anything to do with the kids and has little interest in doing anything for them. My children feel like hard work. The older one has huge attitude talks back has no respect and won’t listen. I’ve been told it’s because she is a spoilt brat. The little one has always been difficult with anger issues and extreme stubbornness and meltdowns. They both take 2 hours to put to bed by the time they do I am so tired I go straight to bed angry that I never get any alone time to wind down. They fight all the time. I have no friends and no family support. My mum helps occasionally but her priorities have recently changed. We are in massive debt due to renovations. Our house does not feel homely because it is always under construction. My job is stressful and emotionally draining. My husband has no interest in spending time with me and we never do anything together. We don’t even celebrate anniversaries. I love travelling but can’t afford it because all of our money is being spent on the house. I have nothing to look forward to. I feel pretty stressed and hopeless at the moment. I feel I just need to vent sorry if I’m offending anyone or sounding selfish

Stressed mumma

Hang10 — Tue, 31 Jul 2018 12:54:16 GMT

Hi Ms 11,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue team. You find many people here that are caring, understanding and thoughtful.

You have been thru a lot in your post. First up I like to say well done for all the effort you have made to try to make life easier for your family. You are doing well.

Your husband maybe a bit depressed. The distance you mention form his family is maybe his way of trying to deal with things.

Keep trying to talk to him to see how he feels and what on his mind. Gentle talk will help understand a bit more of his troubles.

The kids may be playing up a bit more cause they can sense the stress in your household. Some children are very sensitive. They are like sponges with parents moods.

It awesome that you got your dreams of traveling. You get there and when you do it mean so much more to you When I stressed or depressed I always dream of traveling. It a bit of mental medicine that helps me.

Money stress is so tough. I go thru all the time about money issues but I find that in the end everything will be ok. It great that you doing you family house up. It give you all great warmth and comfort when completed.

No family is very tough. I also know what you mean. I only got my mum who got her own issues. It tough. Help is always out there if you need it.

I hope that this is just a testing little time and that in a few weeks things will get easier and you can see more positive results and happier time.

All my very best.

Hang 10.

Stressed mumma

Ms11 — Tue, 31 Jul 2018 15:02:12 GMT

Thank you for your words hang10, very optimistic 🙂 he probably is depressed although would never admit it and refuses marriage councelling. He doesn’t really talk about anything deep and meaningful. Just superficial stuff.

The kids do definitely feed off my stress they seem to enjoy it the more distressed I get the more naughty they get. I hope it will get easier and that things will settle down soon.

I guess I’m just starting to really notice different interests and priorities to my husband which is concerning to me but not him. He has no interest in travel anymore either so I will have to wait a while until the kids are old and sensible enough to come with me without making it a chore or be left at home with my husband. Maybe in 20 years time.. !

We do have plenty of other family just no one that is willing to help which is a whole other story 😞 I guess that is just the way it is these days. Everyone is stressed and has their own problems and we are much less of a community compared to when I was young. Everyone is working and we are all just trying to do the best we can with huge mortgages and a million and one other commitments. We all compare and judge and parenting has become a competition sport where you feel like your always doing it wrong. Constant guilt is just a normal part of parenting now I guess. Shame though. Feels like it does take the fun out of it. Can’t even do something simple like pack a school lunch without being judged anymore.. allergy free, home made, no packaging, no sugar, no sandwich, no processed meat, organic, bento box, gluten free lunch. So much pressure lol

Stressed mumma

geoff — Tue, 31 Jul 2018 18:33:43 GMT

Hello Ms11, and a warm welcome to you and thanks to Hang10 for responding.

I agree, your husband could be depressed but from what you have said there is a lot of stress happening and perhaps your kids need to talk with someone that can relate to how they are feeling and then help them to understand what's actually happening.

I would suggest Reachout, these people are trained, but they wear casual clothes which means your kids won't be frightened to talk to them.

Constant guilt isn't your fault, your working, trying to cope with the rest of the family, cooking, shopping and, boy, the list goes on, and don't forget about renovating your house, I can remember doing this and everything is upside down and put in another place, that's very stressful if you're not used to doing it, and can cause you to become anxious.

I'd be interested in your family because this may also be causing you to feel this way.

There are many discussions that need to be talked about and when they're not it complicates the situation, and I wonder whether you have seen your GP lately because I would suggest it would be a good idea.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

Stressed mumma

Ms11 — Tue, 31 Jul 2018 21:44:08 GMT

Thanks for your reply Geoff, I just had a look at reachout and it looks like it’s aimed at teens. My little ones are junior primary age. I did take my 7 year old to the doctor but she wasn’t concerned about her. The counselling is $200 an hour in our area which we will have to try and budget some regular sessions for her for. The little one doesn’t seem too affected they have always been the same regardless of what situation their in. The doctor got me to fill out a depression and anxiety quiz but then just said my emotial state is situational and I should be ok once all the renovations are finished. Pity it has been ongoing and still is for a couple of years now as we are trying to diy because we can’t afford contractors. Hopefully he was right and that I’m just not going to be depressed and anxious now normally.

So I guess the plan is to save some money and get some counselling. I’m not sure how regularly and how many sessions are usually required? For me and one child at $400 a week will add up pretty quick! I guess health is a priority so I will have to work it out somehow.

Stressed mumma

geoff — Tue, 31 Jul 2018 22:59:23 GMT

Hi Ms11, thanks for getting back to us.

Kids Helpline is for children aged between 5 to 12 on 1800 55 1800 and is a 24 /7

another place is Kids Matter which you can google and there is a form you can fill out which maybe able to help you.

I would check around as there are psychologist's who bulk bill or you ring the BB phone number 1300 22 4636.

Let us know how you get on.

Geoff.

Stressed mumma

GoodWitch — Wed, 01 Aug 2018 05:12:18 GMT

I hope you don't mind me jumping in with a slightly different perspective (working mum of 2 here who felt every one of your words Ms11!).

You have two young, demanding kids, you are renovating your house as well as working outside the home. That's a lot to cope with, and you say your husband has no interest in doing anything with the kids. I'm reading this as he doesn't do a lot to help you with the child rearing. Everything in your words suggests to me that you are putting the kids to bed on your own, packing their lunches on your own (I hear you about the healthy lunch pressure it is insane), dealing with your kids' moods and probably being blamed for any bad behaviour they dish out (the 'spoilt brat' comment I suspect was directed at your parenting by someone..?)

Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong on this and ignore the rest of my post if so.

Your husband may well be depressed. If so I hope you can convince him to get professional help. But whether he has a clinical condition or not, I think what you need is more help with the parenting. Is there an even division of labour in your household? because I'm getting the impression there isn't. That may be another reason your dr suggested your emotional state is situational. You are clearly overwhelmed, stressed, and likely underneath it all resentful as you go to bed angry. You've given up your travel dreams to renovate this house & care for your children & it's taking over your life & identity. And what's worse you seem to have the impression, warranted or not, that your husband doesn't care about any of this. Of course you're angry.

Do you think he would be open to helping you draft a roster of chores? maybe he puts the kids to bed some nights at least. If the kids know there are two adults giving them directions, it is a lot harder for them to muck around and stretch out bed time for 2hrs. Kids do pick up on your stress and their behaviour matches it, at least in my experience. So if you can present a united front for your children, I suspect the behaviour issues might improve as well as your mood. Can you communicate well enough with your husband that you think you can get these ideas across? Cheaper than counselling if you can hash this out a bit between you (also it sounds like your hub is resistant to counselling tho hopefully he does go)

Feel free to ignore me if I'm way off base. But if I have presented any valid points, let me know I'm quite happy to discuss further.

Best

Stressed mumma

Ms11 — Wed, 01 Aug 2018 11:32:59 GMT

Thanks Geoff I got my daughter to call the helpline it was so good. I had heard of them but thought it was for more serious matters such as abuse. What an awesome service can not speak highly enough of them

Stressed mumma

Ms11 — Wed, 01 Aug 2018 11:45:55 GMT

Thanks so much for your reply GW it is good to know I’m not alone in my thoughts 🙂 your right in that he doesn’t really help me. Even if I am really unwell I am left to still do everything. I do feel judged about my parenting by other people because my kids have very strong personalities (which does make me feel bad about myself). We do need to start making some time for eachother to try to sort out the issues. Thanks for taking the time to reply it did make me feel better to know someone understands 🙂

Stressed mumma

geoff — Wed, 01 Aug 2018 19:26:18 GMT

Hi Ms, I'm pleased it helped.

Remember when you or anyone else is not feeling well then we naturally believe other people are judging us in a negative way, that's part of the illness.

Geoff.

Stressed mumma

GoodWitch — Fri, 03 Aug 2018 02:52:13 GMT

FYI Ms11, There's nothing wrong with your kids having strong personalities. Both mine do and isn't it a good thing that they know their own mind? That they fight for what they want? Doesn't mean you don't fight back of course, that is your lot as a parent. It's tiring I know. With my youngest it took me...about 4 years to get her to eat veggies without tantrums, tears, fake vomiting, actual vomiting or being sent to bed with no food (because she wouldn't even eat the chicken if it had touched the carrots, and I refused to let her eat nuggets and chips every night). It nearly did me in many nights, I went to bed crying. But now she eats veggies. She knows no ice-cream unless the greens are gone and that seems to work. She eats curry and onion and all the things but it took a hella amount of stubbornness on my part to out stubborn her.

I guess what I'm saying is parenting is HARD. Go easy on yourself. Others might judge, but if your kids are healthy, clothed, being well educated and cared for...the rest really isn't any of anyone's business. Most important thing is that your kids know you love them--even if they will not always like you.

good luck!

Stressed mumma

Ms11 — Fri, 03 Aug 2018 12:21:51 GMT

Thanks GW I can relate to the food stubbornness battles for sure. Your right it is a good thing. I have always thought that them being extremely strong willed, not taking no for an answer, and questioning everything is extremely annoying as a parent day in day out but it should be great if they remain that way as an adult. Massive amounts of determination would be a great asset as an adult! Your right I’ve always had that mentality that I’m their parent not their friend and if something is important or unsafe I don’t care if they don’t like me for saying no. They will work it out eventually that it’s out of love even if they don’t get it now. Thanks for your post 🙂

Stressed mumma

Groucho — Fri, 03 Aug 2018 12:58:14 GMT

Hi there. I could really relate to your post. It can feel lonely being the parent looking after most of the children's needs, especially when you feel your efforts are unappreciated! A lot of what we do as mothers is noticing and responding to our kid's emotional needs. It's exhausting. I'd rather face a mountain of washing up than negotiating with my 13 year old daughter. I would like to remind you that you're doing one of the hardest jobs in the world and the fact that you've posted means you care about doing it well. Good for you. Also, the renovations will be over one day and things will settle down, you and your partner will have more space for each other and the kids. If you make the time to go for a bushwalk or get a massage for yourself in the meantime, you'll be doing everyone a favour by doing something good for you. You're the one holding things together, so give yourself some love. All the best x

Stressed mumma

Ms11 — Sun, 05 Aug 2018 12:34:47 GMT

Thanks Groucho your right once things settle down hopefully life will be a little more fun. As a Mum it is true that you take no time for yourself but sometimes it needs to be done for everyone’s sanity 😉 thanks again x