topic Advice needed - Relationship Breakdown in Relationship and family issues

Advice needed - Relationship Breakdown

Lady45 — Tue, 12 Mar 2019 09:33:03 GMT

I was due to get married in 2 weeks time. 4 weeks ago, my fiancé moved out.
He used to be the most loving and caring guy i had ever met.

He has a daughter (4) and a son (12). I also have a son who is 7.

My partner’s ex hates my partner. She withheld care of his kids, alleged he assaulted her and alleged he sexually assaulted his daughter. I have supported my partner throughout this whole ordeal, preparing for and attending court as he fought to gain care of his kids. I thought if we could get through that we could get through anything.The allegations were thrown out of court.

I also supported him financially as he was always saying he had no money due to legal costs. After regaining some care of his kids he moved in with me. I rearranged my home to feel like home for his kids and treated his children as if they were my own. My son became very close to his stepbrother and sister.

After the property settlement he bought a $53,000 car. That’s when I asked him to start contributing to the bills.

We started planning our wedding.That’s when things started to change. My partner became disinterested in organising the wedding. All he did was organise the photographer. I organised everything else. He became quite argumentative and highly critical. Before Xmas, I suggested that we take the kids away for a weekend. He said he couldn’t afford it. Days later he bought himself a $400 watch. I paid for the weekend.

He withdrew emotionally and I became frustrated. I kept asking if he still wanted to get married? The answer was yes but his actions said otherwise. I threw my engagement ring at him. He moved out. As he was gathering his things I told him in anger to “get out of my house”. He moved back in 5 days later and we tried to make it work. When he told me the wedding was not the wedding he wanted, I cancelled the wedding. I couldn’t go ahead with it after he told me how he felt about it. We continued to argue. He said I'd withdrawn emotionally. I hadn't.

4 weeks ago he moved out to his parent’s home and told me he needed ‘security’ because he didn’t feel like our home was his house.He felt like I could throw him out at any time, despite living together for 18 months. 3 day after moving out he put an offer on a house. I told him this was a deal breaker. He bought it! Thinking we could resolve our issues living under 2 rooves. I was not considered or involved in this decision.

I’m heartbroken.It’s so hard knowing that we would have been married in 2 weeks time...

Advice needed - Relationship Breakdown

Croix — Tue, 12 Mar 2019 11:36:16 GMT

Dear Lady45~

I'm very sorry this has happened to you. If you look around the Forum you will see others sadly have been in the same boat.

We tend to judge others by our own standards, if one is honest it may not occur that someone else might not be. The same holds true of being a caring person, it is hard to envisage others high simply be cold and self-centered.

Unfortunately you have been taken advantage of by such a person. You said his ex hated him, perhaps there was some justification, who knows. What you do know is he was happy to spend money on himself and ride on your efforts for all else.

He seems to make up tales to suite the moment. I doubt the type of wedding had anything to do wiht his reluctance, and blaming you for withdrawing is simple nonsense designed to put blame on you.

Being an attractive and loving person at the start and then becoming self centered and controlling does seem to fit a pattern.

I'm afraid you are not the only one that is suffering from this person's actions, your son being close to his kids is hard. I can't really see any way that can end happily.

No doubt you have a mix of emotions - anyone would. Not only grief and loss, but also self-doubt and anger.

It is a terrible time for you -and your son to I would imagine. Do you have family or friends to support you now? Trying to cope all on your own is almost impossible. I think in your position I'd see my GP with a view to getting counseling recommended.

Please let us know how you go

Croix

Advice needed - Relationship Breakdown

geoff — Tue, 12 Mar 2019 17:43:16 GMT

Hi Lady, thanks for being here.

I don't have much to add to what Croix has said, but everything might have got worse once you were married.

Some people who want to get as much out of a relationship or when you are just been married, change for the worse and then make the situation completely different.

There are times when we don't know why this is happening, unfortunately, and will not be able to understand how to stop letting them take advantage of you, but common sense will prevail.

If you are a person who always tries to help people but realise what are you getting in return and this maybe the situation you are in, and what he wants doesn't include you and your son.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Advice needed - Relationship Breakdown

Lady45 — Wed, 13 Mar 2019 00:04:21 GMT

Thankyou Croix and Geoff for your responses.

I've been to see my psychologist twice who has said that it could be possible to resolve the issues under 2 rooves however the impulsive nature of my now ex-partner and him buying a house so quickly she said was a red flag.

My ex partner is also a very insecure person. Always needing me to validate my feelings towards him. He now tells me that what I've said is "all words" yet it appears that my actions in supporting him and showing him how much I love him and his kids count for nothing which is both sad and very disappointing.

I gave all i could. My son has shown such resilience throughout all of this. My ex's baggage from his previous relationship has impacted myself and my son. My son was present when my ex was arrested for the alledged assault. He asked why my ex was going to "jail".

It has been a difficult situation for quite a while. My ex's children have behavioural issues because they are so damaged by what is going on between their parents. I've had to deal with all of this too but i took it all on out of love for my partner.

It's a big mess. I'm totally lost plus there are financial impacts for me now as i left my old job 6 months ago as it was high pressure and started a new job that is less pressure but also considerable less pay. I did this thinking we would have 2 incomes coming into the household so now my financial 'security' is not what it used to be...

Advice needed - Relationship Breakdown

Lady45 — Wed, 13 Mar 2019 00:06:51 GMT

Geoff I'm new to posting on forums and have replied to both you and Croix via Croix's original post. Thankyou for your response.

Advice needed - Relationship Breakdown

geoff — Wed, 13 Mar 2019 16:06:59 GMT

Hi Lady, thanks for getting back to us and yes I've read your other replies.

I'm sorry for this outcome, situations like this are never easy to cope with, especially when you have a son (7) who maybe finding it difficult to understand what's happening.

You are entitled to 10 free medicare paid sessions with a psychologist if you ask your doctor about the 'mental health plan.'

Your son could also speak to someone at ReachOut, Headspace an/or kids helpline, these are how to contact them:

-https://headspace.org.au/about-us/contact-us

-Kids helpline on 1800 55 1800

-https://au.reachout.com/urgent-help

-beyound blue 1300 22 4636

-https://about.au.reachout.com/contact

- 1800respect.org.au

Hope this help both you and your son.

Geoff.

Advice needed - Relationship Breakdown

Croix — Thu, 14 Mar 2019 11:54:51 GMT

Dear Lady45~

I'm sorry to be blunt. I think your psychologist's view that your ex buying a house was just an impulsive nature really misses the long term point. Firstly you are not some he regards as being in his life - or he would have consulted with you - and secondly there is no way to trust someone who goes off and does thngs like that.

From hte nature of his purchase it would appear they are all for his benefit, true impulsivity combined wiht sincere love would have prompted him to be extravagant in you favor too. It sounds, from what you say like being selfish, and and advantage of you. Perhaps that is harsh -what do you think?

You, and your son, need to have a partner who gives you feelings of security and love, not uncertainty and deep troubles.

His anxiety sounds like a bottomless pit - or an excuse. If it is a need for constant reassurance them medical support is needed - and it must to be wanted by him.

Talking of support, do you have family or friends ot support you? It is an emotional and financially difficult time, with all sorts of feelings from anger and loss to self-doubt and worry. Trying to face it all alone is hard.

There is only so much one can do when faced with this situation, and while it is only natural to wonder if there could have been more you could have done there are limits, and it sounds very much as if you have already done all you can.

Perhaps this is for the best, you deserve better.

Croix

Advice needed - Relationship Breakdown

Lady45 — Fri, 15 Mar 2019 10:14:53 GMT

Hi Croix,

I agree with you and I don't think you are being harsh. It's nice to know that someone who doesn't know me or my ex can see my situation for what it is.

My ex would probably disagree with you. He thinks I'm telling my friends only my side of the story. The truth is I'm telling my friends what exactly happened. I've got no reason to lie or withhold information and this is because if i have made mistakes i want to know about them so i can learn from them and be a better person.

I have a good support network of friends who i regard as my family.

I am on a mental health plan through my GP. I saw my psych again yesterday and we pinpointed where things started to go wrong....when my ex's property settlement was finalised the frequency of going to court stopped and therefore i was no longer needed (required?) to support my ex with court preparations, etc.

The dynamic changed and i needed the support of my ex to help me with the planning of our wedding. Perhaps supporting my ex with his battles was the glue that kept us together? And then when i needed support the roles were unable to be reversed.

This week has been hard. I cry every day but never in front of my son. I need to stay positive and focused for his sake.

Thanks once again Croix and Geoff for your support.

Advice needed - Relationship Breakdown

Juliet_84 — Fri, 15 Mar 2019 11:22:07 GMT

Hi Lady45,

I see a lot of red flags in your ex’s behavior, which Croix has articulated very succinctly. He seems very “me” focused, with everything seeming to be about what people can do for him. Buying lavish gifts for himself one minute and then shamelessly claiming poverty the next when you want to do things together is extremely selfish and hurtful behavior. It shows to me that he doesn’t value time with you, is not invested in the relationship, and only is in it for what he can get. Unfortunately, it’s very hard to build a future with that type of man. Same with requiring you to constantly meet his emotional needs, while he seems to completely disregard yours.

Some people are just a bottomless pit of wants and needs, sucking the life force out of other people. If it’s any consolation, these types always seem to choose the kind, insightful people who are willing to turn inward and ask how they can make the relationship better. But the truth is, you can never keep people like that happy and you will exhaust yourself trying to. I think if you separate all of things you wished the relationship would be, and actually looked at what the relationship was, you would realize that it did not meet many of the things that you want in a relationship. I’m not saying that it was all bad, but I always find letting go of “what could have been (but wasn’t)” the hardest part. Xxx

Advice needed - Relationship Breakdown

Croix — Fri, 15 Mar 2019 12:41:31 GMT

Dear Lady45~

I regret this has happened to you, and from what you say I do not think there is any relationship there to try to salvage -I'm sorry.

There are two things you said I'd like to comment on, the first being you might find though recounting what happened to your friends ways to improve yourself, make less mistakes and learn.

I'd say that you do need to learn one thing from this, and what you need to learn is very hard to explain. Before I try I will say there are loving, supportive and steadfast people in the world. I've been blessed to have had 2 as partners.

Naturally your trust in relationships will have been badly damaged. There may however come a time when you do contemplate another. If that happens the trap is going for the same sort of person again, and this is the hard thing to explain.

It wold be easy to find the things in the new person that were easy to relate to, easy to deal with, and you felt comfortable for the same reasons as you did before. It's familiar in some ways. Being "the most loving and caring person you ever met" was pretense and the hard bit for you will be deciding if it is a front with the next person too. So beware of the too easy.

I've no magic answer, perhaps the person's history might help. A battle wiht an ex, rather than an amicable separation might be one indicator, I'm sure here would be others.

I had it easy that way, because my first partner was so lovely I did look for the same again. You have the opposite.

The other thing is being brave in front of your 7 year old. If he is like my grandson he will in any case have picked up your distress. I have the feeling that for children it is important not to feel totally powerless, that way leads to self-blame. Handing a box of tissues and giving a cuddle to mummy when she is upset can be made into something he is doing to help you, a little bit of control of life.

Does this sort of make sense?

Croix

Advice needed - Relationship Breakdown

grt123 — Fri, 15 Mar 2019 17:05:07 GMT

You're a smart lady for identifying the disparity between words and actions. People can say anything they like - but it's their actions that are the real measure. I suspect you were a source of comfort and security at a time when he needed it - and then he didn't! Find someone who deserves you.

Advice needed - Relationship Breakdown

Lady45 — Sun, 17 Mar 2019 04:04:50 GMT

Today I'm feeling anxious and very teary. Can't stop thinking that it would have been our wedding day this coming Saturday.

I never saw this coming and feel like this is a nightmare that i want to wake up from.

It sounds crazy given everything my ex has put me through but i miss him so badly. It wasn't all bad during our relationship and we did have some really special and beautiful times together...this is why I'm in such disbelief that this has happened. I never expected he would behave like this.

I want to heal and i want to move on but i really don't know how.

I've cut all contact with him and haven't heard from him for almost a week...the longest we have not been in contact ever.

His house settled this week so I'm assuming he is busy moving in.

This week we should have been married. Now we don't even live in in the same town. I'm gutted and it's now been 5 weeks since we broke up and I don't feel like I've made any progress at all.

Advice needed - Relationship Breakdown

geoff — Sun, 17 Mar 2019 17:01:53 GMT

Hi Lady, it's not a pleasant thought to know that the wedding would be this weekend, I know it's disappointing but please remember what has happened and you can never be sure what surprises may have happened without your knowledge, which you could have disagreed with, no different to what has already happened.

You may remember the good that did happen in this relationship but there were reasons why you are no longer together, this can help you feel stronger and more determined to towards moving on.

My Best.

Geoff.

Advice needed - Relationship Breakdown

Lady45 — Tue, 19 Mar 2019 06:50:45 GMT

Today i had to come home from work because I broke down. I haven't stopped crying all day.

A few weeks ago i messaged my ex fiance's ex wife (not the ex who is the mother of his kids). She messaged me back last night and as it turns out the traits of being controlling and selfish were there 20 years ago.

After one week of no contact i spoke to my ex today and told him about the messages. There was no love in his voice. It was icy. He said we are finished and he doesn't want to see me again.

Today it hit me. It's over. Final. I've organised for my son to stay at his Dad's tonight. I've had 2 friends come over and spoke to 2 friends. They've been supportive. I am so distraught that i rang the Beyond Blue helpline.

This is a nightmare I want to wake up from. It's not real.

I want the pain to stop.

Advice needed - Relationship Breakdown

Shazzy62 — Tue, 19 Mar 2019 20:23:09 GMT

Hi,

I know just how you feel and I am feeling for you. Try and look after yourself, one day at a time, it's ok to feel sad, but just remember, these things make us stronger, you may have saved yourself a lot of grief in the long run. Try and have a good day 🙂

Advice needed - Relationship Breakdown

Lady45 — Wed, 20 Mar 2019 06:35:42 GMT

I didn't go to work today. Spoke with my psych and she made me an appointment with my doctor. At one point they were going to admit me to a private mental facility due to my low mood and inability to eat.

I've never experienced so much emotional pain in all my life.

I've got great friends who have come to see me and take me to the doctors.

Just wish things were different. I'm still so much in love with my ex fiance. We would have been getting married in 3 days time.

I'm heartbroken and depressed.

Advice needed - Relationship Breakdown

Croix — Fri, 22 Mar 2019 23:46:30 GMT

Dear Lady45~

Contacting his ex was a brave and good move, you learned exactly what he has always been like and I believe in the long run that will help you see yourself in a better light - you did not cause any of this.

Of course it is terrible, heart-break is no small thing. It tuns your whole world into a truly horrible place.

It is however an injury, like being an an accident, and in both cases you need time, specialist help, support and all the resources you can muster to recover. I've found anger a good one. It helped me keep going when I was invalidity retired due to terrible management practices.

Try not to judge yourself, taking time from work, getting medical help, leaning on friends. All this is part of a serious injury.

Croix

Advice needed - Relationship Breakdown

Lady45 — Tue, 26 Mar 2019 09:35:29 GMT

Well as i expected the day that should have been my wedding day felt like a funeral.

At 11am when i thought I would be saying my vows, i was sobbing uncontrollably while my friend comforted me.

I wouldn't wish this situation on my worst enemy.

After much research and look for answers I've realised my ex is a covert narcissist. The worst kind.

I'm still in disbelief that this is my life right now. Every morning i wake up and BOOM! It hits me all over again.

I'm in therapy, on meds, trying to be a good mother and working full time. I feel like I'm just coping...existing.

I'll never forget or forgive this man for the pain he has put me through when all i ever did was show him and give him all of me in the way of unconditional love and support.

Advice needed - Relationship Breakdown

Tess2 — Tue, 26 Mar 2019 09:59:01 GMT

Dear lady45,

what has happened to you is truly awful. This man is a disgrace. I understand that you are still in love with him, but he is just not worthy of your love. I could pour out lots of platitudes here, but you have most likely been told them by your friends.

It is really good that you have such supportive friends and are doing all the things that you are doing to manage.

you are entitled to be sad and angry and cry a lot, I know I would be crying heaps.

in time you will heal and get better and then you will be grateful that you did not marry this awful, awful man

tess

Advice needed - Relationship Breakdown

Croix — Tue, 26 Mar 2019 10:22:59 GMT

Dear Lady45~

I think you are absolutely right in your summing up of that person, I personally do not use diagnoses because I'm not a doctor, but my views, for what they are worth, are the same as yours. No chance of his changing either.

Yes at the moment you are existing -and coping. This is important and encouraging. That will, when you look back in a year or so, be one of the worst days yet you kept on. I'm glad you had a freind with you.

It gets better, grief does, so does loss. In dribs and drabs. You end up finding yourself laughing at something, or feeling affection for someone, even waking up and having something in particular to look forward too.

You are a responsible caring person with strength and experience and deserve a partner who will cherish you - and I honestly expect you will find one.

Hang in there Lady45

Croix