topic Step son accusations/lying in Relationship and family issues

Step son accusations/lying

Guest_7403 — Wed, 13 Mar 2019 00:12:17 GMT

Hi all haven't posted a thread for a long time on here, not because I haven't been struggling...more because I know my issues and what I should be doing but something happened on Sunday that has thrown me completely and myself even wife don't know what to do about it exactly.

We have two 6 year olds (my daughter) and my wife's son....we also have a 6 month old together.

We have split parenting so the bigger kids are only here 50/50

My wife messaged her ex Sunday because she had caught her son telling little white lies (about eating his snacks etc) and that his behaviour and mood has changed and his lack of interest in school (grade 1) to find out if his dad had noticed any changes

His dad replied saying that a week ago his son told him "I sneak down to the toy room and push him to the ground constantly" he then stated that I "make him cover his eyes and walk into things as punishment".

Now I and my wife know that these are complete lies, and even his dad stated he's sure that I'm just playing around with him.

But the thing is when it comes to the step son I have a no touch policy, I don't play pretend fights with him, I don't touch him jokingly...I just don't find it appropriate and I do it that way to avoid things like this. I also let my wife discipline him, I don't like to discipline someone else's child unless necessary.

So my point being kids can miscontrue things, but in this case he can't be confused as I don't remotely do things he's referred too.

So my wife msged the ex and told him what I'm like with him. 10 minutes later the ex calls her apologising saying he's just challenged him on what he's said and he's admitted to making the whole thing up because "his brain told him too"

I'm very concerned about this as I spend a bit of time alone with this child when mum's at work.

At the moment we've cancelled his birthday party this week, and asked that he stays at his dad's for two weeks as a repercussion and learning experience. Too which his dad feels is appropriate.

My main concern moving forward is what to do and how to act with this child now, I don't trust him and have told the wife I won't be putting myself in a position where I'm alone with him to have anymore accusations thrown at me

I'm aware he is only 6 but I guess my concern is the seriousness and details of the lies that worry me about getting in trouble with dhs etc

I also feel sick to my stomach that he's done this to me, as I do alot for that boy and it really is a slap in the face

Step son accusations/lying

Guest_7403 — Wed, 13 Mar 2019 00:21:45 GMT

He also stated last week to his dad that a child in his class (he gave a name) had been pushing him over (3 times in two days) and asked us if he had mentioned anything.

So we asked him at dinner and he confirmed the boy in his class.

Yesterday his dad took him to school early to talk to the teacher about this other student...and when they reached the school his son told him "oh no it's a different kid that's not in our class) and completely changed the person and location of what he claims happened.

Another what appears to be a complete fabrication of a lie. It's a worrying sign to me

He also made a comment to his dad that I don't like him and only want baby and mum around.

We've researched lies and think he may be attention seeking and looking for that spotlight back.

I can understand it too an extent, but it still something I personally won't tolerate especially being accused of assault (strong word but sorta fits)

Thanks for the read

Step son accusations/lying

Croix — Wed, 13 Mar 2019 09:37:25 GMT

Dear Theborderline~

It is a situation that really needs professional help. As you rightly say a lot of habitual lying is an attempt at getting attention - or some sort of control.

Coming from a spit family may well have somethng to do with your stepson's behavior.

One thing I noticed that gladdened me was that his parents are talking to each other, and with you too. This allows for a much more consistent reaction to his behavior.

Do you think it would be practical for you stepson to be treated by a child psychologist/psychiatrist? I'd suspect without any action being taken his behavior may become more pronounced.

Croix

Step son accusations/lying

Guest_7403 — Wed, 13 Mar 2019 09:50:20 GMT

Hi Croix,

Thanks for the response, we have looked up several websites on child behaviour and the types of lies they tell and why they tell them

It's quite concerning, he doesn't really make up these kinds of lies here, most of these things come out at his father's house.

We believe (and from what my wife says about the ex) he possibly gaslights and winds him up...and this may cause a response that is blown out of proportion and blanks filled in with lies to satisfy the dad

I will speak to the wife about a psychologist and see her thoughts on the matter

Atm I am trying to keep distance between myself and him to protect me from any further allegations while this is figured out.

But it is causing a great strain on my marriage

Step son accusations/lying

Croix — Wed, 13 Mar 2019 10:25:26 GMT

Dear Theborderline~

I can quite understand how this can put a strain on your marriage, though hopefully your wife will continue to see you are not to blame in any way.

It may in fact be due to a poor relationship between your step-son and his father or his father's household.

Step son accusations/lying

Croix — Wed, 13 Mar 2019 10:30:26 GMT

... Sorry, I hit 'post' before I finished.

While I can understand that 'hands off' policy and allowing his natural mother to be the provider of discipline I do wonder what effect this may be having, now and in the future, on your relationship with your stepson. Ideally of course it should be a close one.

Is there any middle path you might take where there is no risk to yourself in terms of unwarranted allegations, but at the same time try to build rapport?

Croix

Step son accusations/lying

Guest_7403 — Wed, 13 Mar 2019 11:12:25 GMT

I do all the things necessary...I feed him, buy him clothes and toys, make sure he gets to school/picked up...I joke with him. And I'll tell him off for certain things, but when it comes to really telling him off I leave it to his mother.

I'm not sure if I can mend this tho, especially at the moment I am quite annoyed and still can't believe it

Step son accusations/lying

Croix — Thu, 14 Mar 2019 12:19:10 GMT

Dear Borderine~

May I ask specifically what is annoying you - and what you find difficulty in believing?

In a situation like this emotions could (and here I'm looking at myself) include resentment at disruption of what could have been a loving family situation, and even at my ex - deserved or not.

You mentioned the whole thing causing your marriage to be under stress, do you have any idea why?

I know, I'm asking a lot of rather personal questions, I'm hoping something you say will be familiar with things in my own life, which will help understanding and may be of help.

Of course if you do find this intrusive please don't feel you have to say anything.

Croix

Step son accusations/lying

geoff — Thu, 14 Mar 2019 16:41:11 GMT

Hi Theborderline, I did reply back to you but it hasn't appeared, sorry.

Geoff.

Step son accusations/lying

Guest_7403 — Fri, 15 Mar 2019 00:20:30 GMT

I think when you try so hard to be a good step parent and this happens it leaves you gutted and angry

So yeh he suffers repercussions now but will he really learn? I don't want to spend my life on tiptoes aroubd him waiting for the next lie

Step son accusations/lying

Croix — Fri, 15 Mar 2019 12:49:38 GMT

Dear Theborderline~

I can exactly understand how trying one's best to care for a child, and having that if not rejected directly be ignored or used as a cats-paw in some lie or other is immensely hard to deal with.

The way you talk of it sounds as if you are alone. It is in fact a problem that needs to be addressed by your partner too, for your sake as much as anything.

May I ask if you have discussed specifically how your step-son should be treated and how to support you?

Croix

Step son accusations/lying

Guest_7403 — Sat, 16 Mar 2019 00:29:04 GMT

We discussed that his punishment would be to stay two weeks at his dad, and not have his 7 days here with us and his sister's.

Also his birthday party was cancelled

Upon his return I won't be having much to do with him, eg drop offs/pick ups from school if mum's at work those days

My biggest concern is my wife plans to have his party on the weekend he comes back

His dad picks him up and drops him off, he's just having more sleepovers at his cousins...there's no real repercussion so no lesson learnt

Step son accusations/lying

Juliet_84 — Sat, 16 Mar 2019 06:17:19 GMT

Hi TheBorderline,

I agree with Croix that it might be a good idea for him to see a child psychologist. A marriage breakdown can be traumatic for any child, and then a new child into the mix even more so. I think it would also be a good idea as you could tell the psychologist of these accusations so that they are at least in writing should anything arise in future. Hopefully it won’t come to that, most children lie or fib around this age and likely don’t realize the seriousness of the accusations. He is only little in the scheme of things so it would be a shame to damage your relationship further.

Step son accusations/lying

Guest_7403 — Sat, 16 Mar 2019 10:10:17 GMT

Thanks guys for your non judgemental responses to me, I have received some flak from my wife's parents in regards to the punishment and subsequent banning I guess you could say

It is only temporary to give me some breathing space to be better at dealing with him when he returns

I think a child psych is an appropriate next step