topic Depression and cheating in Relationship and family issues

Depression and cheating

JL1690 — Mon, 18 Oct 2021 14:21:21 GMT

Hi all,

It’s my first time on these forums and I guess I’m hoping to find advice from people who have been in similar situations.

My husband and I got married last November after being together for 6 years. Since he began working from home (maybe 18 months ago now) and as lockdown became stricter, I’d been noticing that he began to put distance between himself and his friends (for example, complaining that nobody cared about him then not picking up the phone when lifelong friends called), withdraw from activities that previously made hom happy, and become more and more clingy around me (to the point where it seemed I couldn’t do anything without him).

Our relationship has always been somewhat unconventional - not open exactly, but it did sometimes involve other people with a lot of talking and boundaries around that fact. Earlier this year he began speaking with someone else, and when that relationship began to break the boundaries of our agreement, I asked him to end it. We entered therapy and I was told he no longer had anything to do with her. Unfortunately, 2 months later I heard from the other woman, who informed me in great detail that there had been an affair going on the whole time. I confronted him, and he told me the reason she’d gotten in touch was that he’d ended it earlier that afternoon. I kicked him out of the house and we’ve been separated for nearly two months.

I know that mental illness doesn’t excuse cheating (and in the context of our relationship, we both consider it cheating). I’m also not sure how much of this may have been motivated by his deteriorating mental health - this has proved a catalyst for him to finally recognise he isn’t doing very well, and he has chosen to seek help now despite being adamant he wouldn’t in the past. I think there is enough there to try therapy again and see where it takes us.

Are there others out there who have experienced cheating concurrent with mental illness? What was your experience?

Depression and cheating

geoff — Mon, 18 Oct 2021 17:40:53 GMT

Hello JL, thanks for posting and welcome to the site.

It must be disappointing for you to learn of your husband's affair and when he says 'it ended earlier in the afternoon', is an interesting remark as the affair had been going on the whole time but told you that he had nothing to do with her.

Distancing himself from friends, not wanting to pick the phone, and probably more important to be much more clingy around you may have been because he wanted to watch everything you did and not to find out about his affair, is understandable as your marriage was unconventional and seems to be strange.

If someone is suffering from any type of mental illness, it's not unusual for them to seek comfort from another person, and I'm not a doctor to say this, but have known other people to do exactly the same.

One particular friend presumably sought help with a counsellor and the two are still married and goes once a month just to clean out any problems and now has grandkids to look after, so it is possible for this to end, but this depends on whether your husband actually wants to do this or whether he's doing it just to please you.

Can I suggest you notice how his behaviour changes and this may indicate how he feeling and would love to hear back from you?

Geoff.

Depression and cheating

JL1690 — Mon, 18 Oct 2021 19:06:57 GMT

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for your response. It’s been a tough time to navigate, particularly as our families are now finding out a lot about us and the relationship that they hadn’t expected (or particularly wanted to know). Part of the reason I’m so thrown is that on the handful of occasions we’d invited others into the relationship, a ‘no-strings attached’ dynamic applied - we had agreed not to pursue anything where there was a potential for an emotional connection. I should also note that the majority of this occurred via social media over a 2 month period - they only met each other twice. I almost like the affair was a culmination of a slow decline, which makes it strangely reassuring to hear that others struggling with their mental health might reach out to another person for comfort. As an essential worker, my life wasn’t impacted nearly as hard by the pandemic, whereas he lost a great deal of contact with his colleagues and friends due to the restrictions. I can see how having someone focused as intently as she seemed to be on him could have felt like a lifeline.

I think I do believe that he genuinely regrets what has happened - and I’m willing to put in the effort when it comes to further counselling etc. I guess it’s going to come down to whether or not he continues with it after the initial dust settles.

Will keep things updated, thanks again

Depression and cheating

Despond — Tue, 19 Oct 2021 10:57:33 GMT

I was in a similar sort of situation a couple months ago now. In an open relationship - with rules and boundaries I later found out were imposed on me and not him due to his paranoia of me messing around with his friends/siblings.

We agreed to close the relationship, and a week later he slept with his ex SIL. At the time he said he didn't think, that it was a mistake. After a couple weeks of trying to fix things, he told me he was in love with her, that he could never be with only me again and it destroyed me further.

My experience isn't positive, however is based on the other party not being removed from our lives and from only trying as two broken people to fix something we couldn't. If you wanted to fix it, I would really recommend help from a third party. Good luck with it.

Depression and cheating

quirkywords — Tue, 19 Oct 2021 11:09:36 GMT

JL1690

Welcome to the forum and thanks for your post.

Your post brings up so many interesting questions and ideas.

When I was manic I once cheated but I wasn’t with a partner but the other person was. I would normslly never do that. I know of people who have reached out others when depressed but for me I was so low I could barely talk to anyone when depressed.

Thanks for your honesty . I think if you both agree what you want for the future a counsellor may help

Depression and cheating

geoff — Tue, 19 Oct 2021 15:04:30 GMT

Hello JL, I hope for your sake that counselling opens the door and can reconcile your relationship with your husband.

I'm very sorry Despond that his connection with his ex SIL became such a strong issue that remained and you're right this is where a third person needs to be brought in to try and sort out an existing problem.

Take care.

Geoff.

Depression and cheating

JL1690 — Wed, 20 Oct 2021 22:55:23 GMT

Despond,

Thank you for your reply. It makes me feel less alone that there’s others out there who have had a less than ideal experience with this type of relationship dynamic - in my search for advice I’ve tried a few forums where open relationships and polyamory were the focus, only to be told that this happened because I didn’t understand what I was getting into or wasn’t mature enough for this type of relationship. I’m truly sorry that your boundaries were also disregarded, it’s an awful feeling.

Depression and cheating

JL1690 — Wed, 20 Oct 2021 23:00:08 GMT

Quirky,

Thanks for sharing, I imagine it’s not always easy to open up about your experience with mania/depression to a complete stranger. Your comment about your personal experience in a depressed state vs that of others was really helpful, it makes sense that not everyone will feel the impact of their particular struggle in a similar way.

Depression and cheating

Juliet_84 — Fri, 22 Oct 2021 06:28:43 GMT

Hi JL690,

I’m really sorry this has happened to you, and also that the response from forums was that you didn’t understand what you were getting yourself into or weren’t mature enough for this type of relationship. The way I see it is that every relationship is different and everyone has different boundaries, which you both clearly communicated before getting into it. However, he broke those boundaries. I do agree that it can be a dangerous game, because emotions can be quite overpowering once felt for even those of us with the best of intentions. I suspect this is probably why some people stick with monogamy even when it isn’t necessarily working for them. Does your husband seem remorseful about the affair?

Depression and cheating

JL1690 — Fri, 22 Oct 2021 09:10:50 GMT

Hi Juliet,

Thanks for such a balanced response, I think this is the sort of conversation I was hoping to open up by seeking out help on various forums to begin with. I actually commented to my therapist yesterday that I'm starting to hear a shift in his tone - rather than how this has affected him, he's started talking about how much his actions have hurt me and us as a couple. More often than not at the moment I think there is genuine remorse there, but I think there's an element of two steps forward, one step back. There are still times that I think he has no inclination that what he did was wrong. At the same time, there are positive signs in that he's actively seeking help from a mental health and sex therapy standpoint. I feel like it's going to be a long road but one I'm going to have to travel down for a bit longer to figure out what to do.

Depression and cheating

Juliet_84 — Fri, 22 Oct 2021 10:01:02 GMT

Hi JL1690,

I’m glad you found my response helpful. Unfortunately some people on the internet are more interested in being self-righteous and lecturing people on how to do things and it seems polyamory forums are no different. I’m glad that there is a shift in your husband’s focus away from himself and how this has affected him, towards a greater understanding of the hurt that he has caused you. I think that some people have a tendency to rationalize their bad behaviors and can be in denial about the hurt that they have caused their partner and minimize their feelings. I think that it is easier to live with themselves that way rather than admit they have betrayed someone they love. But it can be incredibly hurtful to not have your pain and feelings recognized and also doesn’t make you feel confident that they have truly learned from the experience. I am in a similar position although the circumstances are different. It is increasingly apparent that my partner is an alcoholic, and he has moments of clarity where he admits that he “has a problem”. But then I lose him again and he denies he has an issue, that I’m the one with the problem etc and why should his drinking affect me in any way. Your sentiment really resonated with me that it’s going to be a long road but one you need to travel down a bit longer to figure out what to do. I think I am on that same road. Ultimately your husbands behaviour will decide whether you can put your trust/faith in him again.

Depression and cheating

JL1690 — Sun, 07 Nov 2021 01:46:41 GMT

It's a few weeks down the track, and things seem a little less volatile. Discussions around what has happened make me think that he is very much remorseful, and we're seeing each other a couple of times a week. He had his first therapy session since everything blew up yesterday, and he hasn't spoken about it much beyond saying that he 'has a lot of issues'. I guess we just see how things pan out. The next few weeks are going to be rough with our wedding anniversary coming up, though.

Depression and cheating

VV1991 — Thu, 11 Nov 2021 12:30:37 GMT

Good on you for throwing him out and keeping him out. I don’t have the balls or courage to do it or leave.

This has been an ongoing issue for me, my fiancée doesn’t physically cheat, he can’t because of COVID and he can’t travel to Asia where its easy. Thank god!! But emotionally cheats on me with girls from South East Asian countries. I honestly never knew of this until I went through his phone when he left it unlocked.I am not sure if these are people he met before on his travels or randoms from some dating app.

I can’t confront him about going through his phone because I’ve done it before early in the relationship and he lost his mind and threatened me if I did it again he would break up with me. So now I do it privately when the opportunity presents itself.

I am due to merry this asshole, I’ve put so much money and effort in this relationship that I just can’t walk away.

i honestly dunno what to do, should I stay and have a blind eye or leave him and start again?

im starting to believe all guys cheat and are assholes.

Depression and cheating

geoff — Thu, 11 Nov 2021 16:45:43 GMT

Hello W1991, and thank you for being frank and opening up to us and can feel the situation you're in.

If I can say I knew someone who had been living in a de facto relationship who eventually had a baby, who was doing exactly what you've told us, before COVID, and the excuses he gave his partner were at first believed until his partner found out what he was doing and ended their relationship.

He too was going overseas to Thailand to find people he could have an affair with, and once he came home he would bring someone home and house her, that's how he was caught out.

I can't tell you what to do, but can suggest that this won't end up the way you had hoped if you stay with him as there will be many questions you may want to ask him about his behaviour, secrets that will eventually become uncovered as well as financial issues.

I am really sorry this has been happening and if you want to ask any questions, please do so.

Geoff.

Re: Depression and cheating

Bearnap — Sat, 28 Jan 2023 04:23:40 GMT

Hi JL1690,
I cannot believe the similarities between your story and my current situation. Together for 9 years, 4 years in i was contacted by someone on social media telling me she had slept with my boyfriend. He called her and asked her to stop calling, said he only sent her a picture, that she was crazy, then broke down and blamed it on attention and that he couldn't connect with me. I tried to end it there but he was remorseful and wanted the relationship to work. I stayed. Shortly after that time he asked me if i'd like to occasionally open up the relationship. I agreed because it sounded fun and it was fun, until we met someone who wanted a bit more from him. I found out he was talking to her online only because she stalked and harassed all of my friends on socials to eventually get our address and turn up at our house. He said he had been trying to get rid of her for months but she was making threats to him - the police had to escort her away. He wasnt ready for therapy. I asked that we see a counselor together which he agreed to until one day he felt humiliated that i had gone to see the counselor alone and was physical with me. That's when i realized i needed to take a step back and assess this whole relationship. It's also when he realised he didn't want to be that type of person and so he understood he needed help. He started reading about CBT and began implementing small changes which i noticed. He proposed and i said i can't marry someone who won't help themselves. I assumed he wouldn't want to get help, but he started therapy and has made some changes over the past month. Over the whole relationship his moods are probably what stands out the most, for example basic decision making around the home was difficult, i couldn't do certain mundane tasks without him having a fit because he didnt agree. I would have anxiety for days before i needed to have a conversation with him about something, fearing his outburst. Our communication deteriorated due to me bottling everything up until a few weeks ago i just let it all out. He's in therapy now and the change so far is amazing, but i'm shocked that we can have open and honest communication now where i feel safe and comfortable. I don't understand how depression can do this? We aren't together at the moment as we're on a break. He is 110% determined to make this relationship work and is doing everything he can to show me but i'm just not sure if i can trust this person.