topic Partner will not discuss or support me in dealing with inappropriate behaviour from his adult children and his friends in Relationship and family issues

Partner will not discuss or support me in dealing with inappropriate behaviour from his adult children and his friends

MiaC — Wed, 28 Mar 2018 17:48:10 GMT

I have been with my partner for seven years now. He has two grown up children who have partners of their own. His son has been diagnosed with anxiety and can be quite obnoxious and rude to me. His daughters husband has anxiety and ADHD and has on several occasions acted quite offended as he believed that I had said some things that were insulting. However I had not actually said anything at all. On every occasion where my partner should have discussed with me what had happened, he simply blamed me for it. This has happened when some of his friends were quite rude to me, he tells me that I am too sensitive and laughs it off. If I ever get upset and state what really happened he will defend his son in law or his son or his friend. I am now supposed to visit his daughter during Easter. I said to my partner that I will be happy to visit her if he will support me and not allow any bad behaviour to go unchecked. I said that if he allows any unpleasantness to occur that I will not allow it to be ignored this time. He will avoid discussing it, saying that I am being unreasonable. It is not unreasonable to expect to be treated with respect. I dont enjoy seeing them and they certainly dont include my partner and I in anything at all. I did think it was because they couldnt accept their father being with someone other than their mother but now I realise that they really hadnt seen much of the father before I met him. He says to me that those things are in the past and dont matter. He will not simply say that he will not allow them to behave in an unacceptable manner and he will not discuss it with me so I dont feel that it is over at all.

Partner will not discuss or support me in dealing with inappropriate behaviour from his adult children and his friends

Croix — Wed, 28 Mar 2018 21:30:19 GMT

Dear Mia Cagan~

I'm sorry to read of the position you are in. It may seem naive or simplistic but as far as I can see a partnership is where each person puts the other first, and wants, due to love and affection, to care for them and ensure their life is as good as possible. Obviously there are ups and downs, even quite serous ones, however both parties should feel secure, permanent and loved.

Bringing two families together is often not easy, and as with your first thought there can be resentment of a new partner, in some ways it can seem to children to be the parent almost rejecting them. In this case it sounds as if your partner's relationship with his children was not the best anyway.

It's quite clear from what you said that your partner is not putting you first and does not seem prepared to offend his children or their partners, or even his friends, preferring to dismiss your unhappiness.

To some extent I can understand someone walking on eggshells around their kids if they want to establish a better relationship with them (though I'm not saying it is the right tactic) however he is harming his relationship with you to do so. Frankly I can't see any excuse for putting his friends first.

If I was faced with the situation you are in I'd have started off as you have done and said I'd only go to the Easter gather if assured of my partner's support - come what may. You have not received that undertaking, in fact simply a repetition of dismissive behavior.

I'd suggest considering first refusing to go, and secondly trying to get your partner to see the road he is going down will have serious long term consequences. Perhaps if he was willing to embrace counseling there might be a path to better things.

Apart from your partner are there others in your life to support you? This situation can make you fell very alone after all.

Croix

Partner will not discuss or support me in dealing with inappropriate behaviour from his adult children and his friends

MiaC — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 00:29:52 GMT

Thank you so much for your comments which make sense During my time with my partner I have tried to be compassionate toward his family and his friends. I have only had my younger sister to talk to, however she does not want to take sides. I have wanted counselling for a long time, but I could never get my partner to go. My relatives live interstate so I am alone. Refusing to go only makes things worse.

Partner will not discuss or support me in dealing with inappropriate behaviour from his adult children and his friends

Summer Rose — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 05:29:53 GMT

Hi MiaC

I'm sorry you are experiencing such difficulties with your partner. I don't have much to add to what Croix said, except to ask you to consider if your partner's behaviour could be more about him wanting to avoid confrontation than whether or not he actually supports you or not.

In the early years of my marriage, I sometimes felt disappointed that my husband did not support me in similar situations--mostly around his family. But I learned that it was his desire to avoid confrontation at all costs that was driving this behaviour. Something in his upbringing and family dynamics that was hard to pinpoint and hard for me to understand. It was okay for him to end up in confrontation with me because he knew I loved him and that I would eventually forgive him.

I chose to speak my mind when I thought it was required and there were occasional awkward moments in front of his family but the earth didn't stop spinning and my husband would usually weigh in to support me. Sometimes when he didn't I let it go, sometimes we later argued privately and on one occasion I simply decided that I would have no further interaction with one of his cousins because he was intolerable to me. I chose my battles based on how important the issue was to me. I also didn't want to always be forcing my husband to choose sides.

We've now been together 30 years and don't have this issue any more (his family know I will speak out and they know my husband will back me and the boundaries are firm) but I do remember how angry and hurt I used to feel--just like you. I don't know if this helps you but you are certainly not alone. Hang in there.

Look forward to chatting more and hoping you have a nice Easter, whatever you decide to do

Partner will not discuss or support me in dealing with inappropriate behaviour from his adult children and his friends

Croix — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 05:37:46 GMT

Dear MiaC~

Thanks for your reply. I understand, other people can make suggestions, but they may not seem either realistic or practical. If your not going for Easter makes things worse I can see why you would be reluctant not to do so.

Unfortunately you are in a relationship with a person who does not value and cherish you, and has the advantage of your not having any easy avenue to remedy the situation.

I have the feeling that as time goes on your position may become worse and your ability to cope with it lessen - I hope not, maybe I'm wrong.

Rather than visit his relatives for Easter how about going interstate and visiting yours? Short notice it's true, and maybe expensive but it would get out out of a bind and also serve as a warning of sorts.

What do you think?

Croix

Partner will not discuss or support me in dealing with inappropriate behaviour from his adult children and his friends

MiaC — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 06:15:39 GMT

You are correct that my partner doesnt want confrontation with his children. However he doesnt mind having such with me or ridiculing me. I think that he his hoping it will all settle down and that I will tolerate their behaviour until it does....this will not be the case. I know that if it is short term behaviour perhaps I could tolerate it, but I think it needs a counsellor to sort it out.

Partner will not discuss or support me in dealing with inappropriate behaviour from his adult children and his friends

MiaC — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 06:19:18 GMT

I am going interstate to visit my relatives but not for Easter. I have avoided Christmas by doing so as often as I could. Last night I said that I will not tolerate their behaviour any longer and that it has to be addressed and I be supported. My partner, for the first time, gave an acknowledgement that it is them and not me and I think is hoping that this time it will all go well.

Partner will not discuss or support me in dealing with inappropriate behaviour from his adult children and his friends

MiaC — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 06:30:37 GMT

One thing is really clear, since discussing this issue online it has already helped me a lot. The reminder that my partner hates confrontation is very true. My partner said today that he will do his best to make sure everything goes smoothly. I realise that since I am now so uncomfortable in their presence that I dont present as a kind, caring person that I do to others. This time I not going to allow them to make me feel this way. They are aware that I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue and can no longer work, so if there are any issues this time I will be addressing them while I am there. If my partner does not act like a caring partner then i see no future for us.

Partner will not discuss or support me in dealing with inappropriate behaviour from his adult children and his friends

Croix — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 09:54:36 GMT

Dear MiaC~

I'm glad coming here is helping you, perspective can be hard to gain alone.

Frankly I would not worry about appearing a kind caring person to the family, they don't really sound worth your regard. Do you think your partner now understands what your intention is if he does not change his ways?

With Fibromyalgia the last thing you need is extra stress, let's hope the visit goes off smoothly, or if not your partner does come to your aid.

Croix

Partner will not discuss or support me in dealing with inappropriate behaviour from his adult children and his friends

Summer Rose — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 23:26:50 GMT

Hi Mia

If I understand your posts correctly it seems, you will no longer tolerate the bad behaviour, your partner has acknowledged they have been behaving badly not you, he's going to do his best to make sure it doesn't happen over Easter and you will all be together at Easter.

The good news is that it sounds like you are both on the same page and that you will be walking in like a team. You haven't had this support before, so that's really good. You've moved him quite a bit. Your partner now needs to walk the talk. You pull them into line if you need to. If you have to leave, to safeguard your health, you leave. If he doesn't do the right thing that's on him and you know what you are going to do next.

Be strong. I think sometimes our partners get away with things because they can. And when we stand up to them and they realise this isn't the case--that there will be consequences for them--then that's when we see change.

I will be thinking of you over Easter and sending good thoughts x

Partner will not discuss or support me in dealing with inappropriate behaviour from his adult children and his friends

MiaC — Sat, 31 Mar 2018 05:42:27 GMT

Thanks s much for all of your comments. I will do my best to i mprove the situation and if my partner then realises if we work together things will improve we may get somewhere. I am glad that I a member of this site as it is helping to have support, and be provided with confirmation that I am doing the correct thing.

Partner will not discuss or support me in dealing with inappropriate behaviour from his adult children and his friends

MiaC — Mon, 02 Apr 2018 04:28:45 GMT

I tried to force myself to visit my partners daughter and family. Last night I was so anxious about it that I couldnt sleep. I am having bad headaches like migraines so used that as an excuse. My partner accepted that I wasnt going but I could see how disappointed he was. I feel bad for not going but at the same time I am have to see my gp about the headaches and wasnt confident that I could handle any confrontation or stress well if I had gone. I feel as if I am lose no matter what I do. But for my partners sake I want to try. I like to sit and talk things through but that doesnt seem to be what my partners family do.

Partner will not discuss or support me in dealing with inappropriate behaviour from his adult children and his friends

Croix — Mon, 02 Apr 2018 06:29:16 GMT

Dear MiaC~

I know exactly what you are going though and understand how debilitating and limiting physical reactions - such as headaches - are.

There is one thing I would like to say. In your last post you seem to imply it is a failing in you, you are for example disappointing your husband. It really should be the the way around. Your first post pointed out how rude his family was, and how dismissive he was of your feelings.

They are the ones that are setting up the barriers, and expecting you to jump over them is simply unacceptable. Reasonable people understand - or try to anyway - and are supportive. Having to cope with those who are not is just about guaranteed to increase your symptoms.

Please try to regard yourself as a strong person dealing with heavy situations.

In passing I'd mention my psychiatrist assisted me quite effectively with my headaches and other physical problems though prompts on lifestyle and medication. Not having such a high level of headaches etc made for a lot less stress in itself.

Croix

Partner will not discuss or support me in dealing with inappropriate behaviour from his adult children and his friends

Summer Rose — Mon, 02 Apr 2018 08:59:21 GMT

Hi Mia

You did the right thing for you today--you safeguarded your health. A sound decision and that's a win in my book.

I just wish you weren't in this situation, where the thought of a family gathering with your partner makes you so ill. I hope today wasn't too hard on you. I know what it's like ... you want them to go but at the same you kind of wish they would stay home with you.

This happened once with my husband and I and his family. Once was enough for my husband to take action to make sure that never happened again because he didn't really enjoy himself without me--he spent the time worrying about me and wishing I was there. You might find your partner starts to see the light after today.

I agree with Croix, none of this is on you. Don't forget that. You have nothing to feel bad about. There will be other opportunities when you are feeling stronger to try and sort this out, if that is what you want to do. It might be easier with a smaller group, on your turf, without the pressure of it being a holiday. Something to think about.

Kind thoughts to you

Partner will not discuss or support me in dealing with inappropriate behaviour from his adult children and his friends

MiaC — Mon, 02 Apr 2018 10:23:34 GMT

Thank you for your support. I feel that I made the right decision not to go asI am not well enough to. I am afraid that his children do not visit our home. But I am taking on board that perhaps I can invite them to come and make it a lovely occasion. It has made a great deal of difference to me to have supportive comments and feedback. I am in tears at the moment after reading such supportive comments as they have not been forthcoming from my partner or his family. One member of his family is kind and that is his father. His father has stayed at our home and even took me to lunch and actually asked how I was. If I did invite them and some of my friends to support me then I may be able to ensure that everyone enjoyed themselves. I will try this in the future it has been difficult for me to do so due to fatigue and pain but I am going to ask my neighbour for help.

Partner will not discuss or support me in dealing with inappropriate behaviour from his adult children and his friends

Summer Rose — Tue, 03 Apr 2018 00:58:40 GMT

Hi Mia

You are an amazing woman, contemplating making a lovely family occasion for your partner's sake after what his children have put you through.

It could be a real turning point but you must make sure you have your partner's unconditional and full support before you do this. Your friends will be a bonus but you need your partner more.

I would like to suggest that your partner talk to his children before the event. His family must know before they accept the invitation that it's important to you and your partner that everyone is respectful to each other while in each other's company. Your partner needs to tell his kids/family that you are going to a lot of effort and that he expects them to meet you half way. Your partner should be willing to explain that this is important to him. If they love their father as much as you love him, it could all work out.

I am glad that our support has made a difference in your life. Keep posting. I am happy to talk anytime x

Partner will not discuss or support me in dealing with inappropriate behaviour from his adult children and his friends

Croix — Tue, 03 Apr 2018 02:00:42 GMT

Dear MiaC~

As Summer rose says thinking of inviting them all to your place is an amazing idea. With your friends present too it might well work, though whatever happens you will find it a most taxing exercise. Still it is probably the best option you have. Would it be possible to have his father present too, or does that come with other problems?

Croix

Partner will not discuss or support me in dealing with inappropriate behaviour from his adult children and his friends

MiaC — Wed, 04 Apr 2018 17:41:05 GMT

I was hoping to have my father in law present. I hope that it can happen, my partner did not say much when I suggested it. I will take your suggestions on board and hopefully it will take place.