topic Cheating on my husband with an ex online in Relationship and family issues

Cheating on my husband with an ex online

AnnRob — Wed, 06 Mar 2019 05:25:35 GMT

I've been married for 15 years. Very happily married.
Last year in August an ex reached out via email as he'd just moved back to Australia. The last time I saw him was 17 years ago. He's married with two kids. We've only chatted via Whatsapp and email for the last 6 months. Early this year I was discussing this online connection with a friend and my husband discovered this. Naturally, he was very upset and we went through a rough patch. But we worked through it and we're getting there.
My problem is that I did not end this online relationship. Instead I got another phone and set up whatsapp on that. I'm just so overwhelmed with guilt as my husband is trying really hard and I'm continuing this on the side.
To make matters worse, this ex has now ceased communication and I'm upset and torn. I felt very alive and flattered with the flirtatious nature of our relationship and now I feel so empty.
My husband deserves better. Why am I doing this to him and myself?
I have beautiful children and a wonderful life. What is wrong with me?
I just keep contacting the ex. I can see he's online and he keeps ignoring me.
This is how our relationship ended 17 years ago. He just cut all ties. Why have I not learned from this? This is affecting all aspects of my life. I'm finding it hard to concentrate at work. I'm getting snappy with the kids. My poor husband doesn't understand why I'm weepy all the time.
Help me

Cheating on my husband with an ex online

white knight — Wed, 06 Mar 2019 05:45:33 GMT

Hi, welcome

It is no use giving you advice on how wrong it is to be in such a relationship, you already know! That isn't the problem. You problem as I understand it, is you haven't been able to shut this ex out of your desire to connect up time and time again.

As that online relationship has included flirting, effectively it is an emotional affair that has no place in a happy marriage.

Why do you do it? My guess is that your life has not included that elements you need to be ultimately happy/ or, you like the excitement such a challenge?

I'm afraid this is a case for a relationship counselor. You can ring Relationships Australia 1300 364277

If you do get into any dispute with your husband here is a thread you can google that might help

Beyondblue topic relationship strife? the peace pipe.

TonyWK

Cheating on my husband with an ex online

Guest_7403 — Wed, 06 Mar 2019 07:08:04 GMT

That's because your ex is either cheating on you and his partner with someone else or he's decided the grass isn't greener on the other side

Either way your moral compass is severely lacking, tell your husband about your deceit and give him the opportunity to leave you instead of being played for a fool

Cheating on my husband with an ex online

geoff — Thu, 07 Mar 2019 21:19:29 GMT

Hi AnnRob, thanks for posting your comment.

'Why does your husband deserve better', well there are different reasons why this happens, and I'm not suggesting these do happen, however, something in your marriage has let the candle burn out, that is, maybe you've never taken the time to express your true feelings to your spouse lately, so you have wanted another person, new or old, to explain your situation and who has a listening ear to what you want to say.

Maybe this ex-friend has been caught out by his wife and been told to stop all communication with you, and if he has done this before, 17 years ago, then he's playing with you and probably other ladies as well.

If you want to find the problem in your marriage then you may need with a counsellor because changes may need to be sorted out.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Cheating on my husband with an ex online

grt123 — Fri, 08 Mar 2019 19:46:15 GMT

You clearly enjoyed the excitement and flattery of your online flirt - and while it sounded fairly innocuous if it made you feel guilty and imperiled a good marriage it should end. Stop trying to revive it - it's done. Go offline for a while and gather your energy back around you.

Cheating on my husband with an ex online

quirkywords — Sat, 09 Mar 2019 04:25:34 GMT

AnnRob,

welcome to this forum.

I think that today there are so many opportunities to renew contact with former loves that it is a real temptation .

The thrill of an illict flirtatious relationship is exciting and it can make you one feel very alive. The trouble is it can not end well.

I think you may e doing this because it is taking a risk and you feel like a teenager. I know you love your husband and your children and the guilt you feel shows that you realise it is not something you want to do.

Like grt said, maybe going off line and doing something that you really like with your husband and children. Discover the joy you have for your family.

I understand it is hard for you but you know what you have to do.

Thanks for sharing your story with honesty and feel free to post here as much as you like .

Quirky

Cheating on my husband with an ex online

AndyR — Sat, 09 Mar 2019 23:44:21 GMT

HI AnnRob

There have been many great pieces of advice in the previous comments so I won't repeat those.

Quirky suggested doing things with family and finding joy in that. I'd like to offer an alternate suggestion, and it comes with a question. You say you have a great marriage, great kids and great life. But you don't mention anything that is just yours. Something that is special to you that is not connected to husband and family. I'm wondering if this re-connection and subsequent flirting felt great because it was yours and yours alone, and that made it special, something just for you to enjoy outside the cocoon of family and marriage. Is it possible that the real driver is a wish for something independent, that gives you an identity not associated with all that you've built. For it can be that over time our sense of who we are as individuals can get lost in defining ourselves only by our relationship to others.

As for continuing it seems the ex has for whatever reason made a decision to cut contact. Perhaps it is time to call a halt to trying to have that reopened, and to reflect on what the reasons for doing this really are.

To find something that is yours that brings you joy and pleasure independent of marriage and family, and helps you build an individual sense of identity without risking all that you value so much might be something to think on.

please let us know how you get on

Andy

Cheating on my husband with an ex online

IreneM — Sun, 10 Mar 2019 01:44:32 GMT

Hi AnnRob

Thanks for posting your comment. I agree with the comments above on where to get advice.

It appears that you have two problems:

1. a lack of love for your husband or vice versa as Geoff may have suggested; and

2. a sense of social emptiness, along with guilt, from leaving your ex.

One way to find out who your true friends are, and marriage partners are no exception, is to be openly sorry, honest and upfront about what you have done and give him the opportunity to be supportive to you. When you get professional advice as the others have suggested, you could do it together.

I also support Andy's suggestion on finding something that gives you, personally, a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment. It could be a hobby, a type of cooking, gardening, or even starting something new. Like meditation and relaxation - yoga, dancing, the possibilities are endless.

Love you.

Keep us all posted.

Irene.

Cheating on my husband with an ex online

Maa — Wed, 13 Mar 2019 19:55:22 GMT

Hi Annrob

i just cannot believe it, my story is exactly the same. I wonder how can two stories b so similar. My ex contacted me last yr as well, we chatted in WhatsApp. Can’t explain the feeling to anyone it was magic

Then 10 months later he texted that his wife is suspicious and cut all communication. I have a loving husband 3 kids but I can’t see anything. All I m obsessed with is getting back to chatting with him. I contacted him again and he said we can talk but just rarely and that too we are only friends. That moron took me on a ride for all these months now he wants just friends. But I didn’t learn my lesson. I think I m depressed as I can’t stop crying, don’t feel like doing anything and my poor husband is wondering what has suddenly happened to her full of life wife.

Cheating on my husband with an ex online

AnnRob — Tue, 26 Mar 2019 23:24:53 GMT

Hi Maa

Sorry for not responding sooner. I'm still in the same boat and it hurts so much. Apart from that it is so exhausting putting on a brave face. This is such a ridiculous situation though and I'm not sure where to from here.

How are you feeling now?

Cheating on my husband with an ex online

AnnRob — Tue, 26 Mar 2019 23:34:06 GMT

Thank you everyone who took the time to share their thoughts. I have received so many insights and such good advice. I think the defining moment for me is the suggestion that I find something that is my own as AndyR suggested. I gave up my home country and career to come to Aus and a lot of my friends are overseas. I am truly defined by my marriage and family. I want something that is mine. My ex has been in touch again, but I've sought counselling on my own. It still hurts and the guilt is overwhelming. My husband and I are in a better place and I'm taking baby steps to freeing myself from my ex. I appreciate all of your responses. I do not have the courage to fess up to my husband yet and I'm not sure I will in the future.

I've taken to leaving my phone at work in the evenings and weekends - I know it's silly, but it works for me. Like I said - baby steps.

Cheating on my husband with an ex online

IreneM — Wed, 27 Mar 2019 10:37:45 GMT

Good on you Ann

I agree that it takes time to adjust and accept the fact that it can be over. Therefore baby steps are the best way to go to start off with.

Sometimes distancing yourself from who or what is hurting you can sometimes help. Find other ways to interest yourself, even if that is a hobby and when you're ready. This can help you feel more distracted from the problem, and help you to find another identity.

Relaxation can also help.

Take Care and check out the link on "Looking after Yourself" below.

Irene.

Cheating on my husband with an ex online

white knight — Wed, 27 Mar 2019 12:51:45 GMT

Well done Annrob,

You are making progress

TonyWK

Cheating on my husband with an ex online

geoff — Wed, 27 Mar 2019 13:49:07 GMT

Hello AnnRob, it's always nice to hear back from the people we've offered support to, and baby steps mean taking one step at a time.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Cheating on my husband with an ex online

Maa — Fri, 29 Mar 2019 02:55:39 GMT

Hi Ann

hugs your way for being strong. I haven’t contacted him in 2 weeks, not even a “hello”. It surprises me that our stories are so so similar. Seems like 2 people going through exactly the same situation. I am also talking baby steps, one day at a time and trying very very hard to resist the urge to text him. I have also migrated from overseas and my husband and kids are all I have in this country. I m thinking of seeing a gp and get a referral for a pysh as anything minor trigger my emotions and I fall into this dark hole of thinking and over analysis

Cheating on my husband with an ex online

AnnRob — Fri, 29 Mar 2019 04:51:13 GMT

Hi Maa

I spoke to my GP who I've known for years and I then went online and signed up for email counselling as I express myself better through writing. I'm finding that I am getting my power back, but it is still very much 1 step forward 2 steps back. But I keep reminding myself that my husband and my children are tangible, precious people while the ex is just a flirty message on a phone. I think the sheen is beginning to wear off.

Big hugs to you too..

Cheating on my husband with an ex online

Maa — Fri, 29 Mar 2019 22:39:02 GMT

I m happy to know that counseling is helping you. I might look for online counseling as well as I m good at expressing myself whilst writing. I am just angry because first he ghosted me and it makes me wonder that I wasn’t even worth a text or phone call and when I contacted him, he was like it was necessary as we were too emotionally invested but we can still stay in touch as friends. I am angry at myself for having no self respect that I kept texting him and he would just whenever it suited him give one word reply. I am angry that I wasted my emotions and cheated on my loving husband for an online ex. We had nothing physical just online flirt. Wht can’t i look at my marriage of 19 years, husband and kids and still cry and miss all that....I just don’t know, some days I m feeling ok but then other times I m a total mess. Two of my friends who live in other parts of the world know abt it and it’s of no help telling them everything as they think that how can you not get over it. It was just an online fling. I m glad I saw your post as I think you will understand what I am going through

Cheating on my husband with an ex online

AnnRob — Sun, 31 Mar 2019 23:37:12 GMT

OMG - our stories are so indeed alike. I also have friends overseas who have just said "block him" like that solves everything. I wish I could just erase the time I did start talking to him. I look at photos of times before he came on the scene and I was so happy. I cry when I read updates on FB of friends and their happy marriages. My husband dotes on me, buys me flowers every week, looks after me hand and foot - and I do this to him???

I so understand and I hope we can get strength from each other.

Hugs to you

Cheating on my husband with an ex online

IreneM — Sun, 31 Mar 2019 23:59:42 GMT

HI AnnROB and Maa

It's so good to see how much you two understand each other and may both be looking into online counselling.

Meanwhile why don't you also consider the "Staying Well" section of this forum. There's a thread there called: "Do you like Yourself?" This is a challenge for all of us. Even I hated myself for many years before I got my Psychological Therapy. So yes, many of us will relate to you both.

The "Looking after Yourself" link below is also worth checking out.

Irene.

Cheating on my husband with an ex online

Maa — Mon, 01 Apr 2019 05:36:24 GMT

My dear Ann

Hugs for u. I just came back from work and was hoping that u might have texted me. We might b lost twins or something, my husband is just adorable. He looks after me, cooks for me, let me sum it, he is perfect that friends envy us. My ex, he’s not good looking or some milti millionaire but I don’t know and neither can my friends understand why I fell again for him again. He is not bold or strong enough to watch my back if something went wrong. We didn’t end up getting married because he was too scared of his mum, whereas my loving husband fought with his family because he wanted me, but I m a complete idiot to overlook all this and miss his texts and cry over all his texts and make it tough for myself and my family. I went to a counsellor who thinks there is something wrong with my marriage but no one understands that it’s not the marriage. Maybe I was bored with my perfect marriage and he came into my life to wreck it all. Tell me more abt yourself, how r u coping. It helps when I read your replies