topic Other girls make me feel threatened and insecure when i'm in a relationship in Relationship and family issues

Other girls make me feel threatened and insecure when i'm in a relationship

Bee1998 — Sun, 07 Nov 2021 02:15:44 GMT

I have felt this way in every relationship I have had. The past two make sense, as I was cheated on by both partners, but I have been struggling with the same feelings in my current relationship. This has been the only healthy relationship I have had, and it frustrates me, because I'm with someone who I actually can trust for once in my life. It's not that I think my partner is cheating on me, it's smaller things that bother me, such as him wanting to have female friends, and being in an environment where girls are dressed provocatively and acting in a provocative manner. I don't know why these things bother me so much. I guess I am just scared of being abandoned, or that my partner will be sexually aroused by other females other than myself. I feel like I care about these things on a religious level (i'm not religious), but it seems to be the one and only thing that ever affects me while I'm in a relationship. I can't stand the thought of my partner dancing around girls in a club who are wearing next to nothing... The biggest concern for me is this one female friend he has, who he has been friends with since high school. She is the type of girl who would get satisfaction from stealing people's boyfriends. I know my partner wouldn't go there with her, but she does things that I feel are intentional, to get under my skin. For example, she was at my friend's memorial earlier this year. My partner was also there, as he went with me to support me. We ended up seeing his friend there, and this girl approached us to say hi to my partner, but completely disregarded my existence and didn't say hi to me. She gave my partner a hug and told him how much she missed him right in front of me. She later followed us over to the table we were sitting at and sat right beside my partner, so close that her entire body was up against his. (My partner and this girl were sitting opposite me). This made me really uncomfortable, and I was extremely angry because why wasn't my partner sitting next to me? He was there to support me after all, not for a high school reunion.... The whole time she was calling him pet names in front of me and not even talking to me or looking at me. Just continuously flirting with my boyfriend. My boyfriend went out with the same girl last night. She put up a story on instagram, which was a photo of herself in a skimpy crop top showing her cleavage and her nipples. I felt like she put that up to rub it in my face that she was with my boyfriend.

Other girls make me feel threatened and insecure when i'm in a relationship

The_Bro — Sun, 07 Nov 2021 06:38:15 GMT

Hi there Bee1998 - your post was strong and very clear, your emotions came right off the screen!

With two past relationships where you were cheated on, I quite understand the way you feel.

Other people's relationships are all too easy to judge. Most of us have all sorts of issues of our own and cannot resist placing those values on to others. So I'll just make a few comments about what I have learnt over the years.

Firstly, guys can be very insecure without realising it. You say you trust your partner but are uncomfortable about the two way flirting that goes on with other girls. It sounds to me like he craves attention and praise to boost his self esteem. Do you intuitively feel he is happy with his life? Maybe you could try asking him to have a chat about something that is important to you and can he please give you his full attention. This needs to be done in a quiet place with no interruptions eg the beach, a walk, sitting in the park etc. Tell him very gently that you really care for him and trust him, but are uncomfortable with the way other girls behave around him - in particular that old 'friend' who flaunts her body around him.

Use this to lead into asking him how he feels about your relationship and about what you have just said. Then just let him respond back to you. Hopefully he will apologise and say he had no idea that he was being seen in that way, and has no feelings for the girl in question at all. If he says anything else, it will appear that he might not be committed to you.

The hard part about this is that it just may damage your relationship - on the other hand it may just reset it to where you feel comfortable again. But you cannot let it continue this way as the emotional toll on you is too great.

Whatever happens, you will be in a better place emotionally than you currently are, as it it not healthy for you to continue with these feelings.

I had to do exactly this with a beautiful girl I went out with. She was always being chased and reacted in flirty ways. When we broke up I genuinely felt free as she then had several short term relationships and became jealous of the new relationship I started after a year or so - which ended in a happy marriage!

If I may say this - maybe you need to work hard on your own self esteem as it sounds like you are a fierce and social woman, way too proud to have a boyfriend showing scant regard for what is appropriate.

Happy to discuss further if you like - I hope this has helped a little!

The Bro

Other girls make me feel threatened and insecure when i'm in a relationship

Positive_vibes89 — Sun, 07 Nov 2021 15:28:58 GMT

Dear Bee1998, Oh my gosh girl I know how you are feeling!!!! My now husband had a "best" female friend who was similar to what you describe. The annoying thing was that they had history in which he told me about when we started dating. I felt uncomfortable by the way they were acting and I said to hubby if you want to be with her I will not stand in your way. He responded with "If I wanted to be with her I would be right now. I want to be with you." But this did not stop her for being inapropriate, she sat on his lap one night and kissed him on the cheek. This girl had no respect towards me or our relationship. Hubby didn't do anything about her behaviour either. Some girls just don't know when they are crossing the line or they just simply enjoy attention from men. When It comes to your situation being similar to mine, I suggest you have a discussion with your boyfriend about how you really feel. You are having these feelings because he is giving you reason to feel that way. Your boyfriend needs to tell this girl that her behaviours are inappropriate towards their friendship and that she needs to respect that he is in a relationship with you. If you can handle some confrontation, I would actually pull this young lady aside and tell her what she is doing is very inappropriate and disrespectful. I did this with the girl who was like this to my husband. She did not like it whatsoever that I confronted her (she has a boyfriend at the time too), I told her if she continues to be disrectful I will tell her boyfriend. She blocked hubby and me on facebook, never saw or heard from her again. Dont let this girl walk all over you or your relationship. If you can confront her and tell her what she is doing is inapproprate and you feel it is nasty, maybe she might backoff. And tell her that you would like to be her friend too, but cant be if she continues to behave in such a manner. Maybe it is also time your boyfriend cuts friendhsip off with her if he wants to be in a long term committed relationship with you, sounds like she is a toxic person anways. Your trust issues are going to also weigh your relationship down and cause friction. You need to work on trusting this boyfriend. Sounds like you could benefit from talking to a beyond blue councillor over the phone for some help to work through your issues. Youre never going to have any trust in him, if you continue to hold onto past experiences in which will cause your relationship not to work.

Other girls make me feel threatened and insecure when i'm in a relationship

geoff — Sun, 07 Nov 2021 17:41:26 GMT

Hello Bree and thanks The Bro and Positive_vibes89 for your good comments.

This is very inappropriate, especially as you have had to suffer from previous partners cheating on you, and your partner, although he may want this should be stamping his authority and forbidding any of this to happen to remain in a relationship with you.

Behaving like this is certainly a way to damage a good partnership because regaining trust again may take some convincing and won't happen overnight and it may have to start all over again.

This has to happen by your partner and not so much by telling this other girl off, although that can happen as well, it's his priorities he needs to keep in order if he wants you to be with him, because if he flirts around then the relationship won't last and make you feel too uncomfortable.

If he loves you then he has to respect how you feel and not allow any of this to happen, ask him you want to change location, I hope this is no concern for him.

Geoff.

Other girls make me feel threatened and insecure when i'm in a relationship

Bee1998 — Sun, 07 Nov 2021 23:07:12 GMT

Thanks everyone for your replies. I feel like you all have some really great advice, so thank you for that.
my partner doesn’t flirt back with this friend of his , but I know he is too nice to tell her to stop , or may not even realise what that she is flirting at times, as he may just see it as her being ‘friendly’.

I’m really distraught about this … I don’t want to lose my partner. The way I have been acting is really affecting and damaging our relationship, due to me being jealous. I feel like my only option is to pull away, as I don’t want my emotions to bring my partner down. He really is a great person and has never done anything to break my trust. The issue is my own mind and emotions, and this girl….

And I don’t want to come across manipulative or controlling by continuously telling my partner I don’t like this girl , and I don’t want to be that person who asks him to stop seeing her, as they have been friends for a long time. Just feel like my only option here is for me to just fade into the background. But I really want to be with him, and be in a happy relationship with him 😞

Other girls make me feel threatened and insecure when i'm in a relationship

Positive_vibes89 — Mon, 08 Nov 2021 00:56:56 GMT

If you really want to be with him, I think you need to tell him about how you feel. A relationship is built on honesty and trust. It is a equal partnership, if you feel uncomfortable to talk to him about your feelings that is something you need to work on. Youl need to feel like you can talk to him about anything that bothers you and as a boyfriend he should be helping you to be at ease. Those trust issues are really taking a toll on you, you have some PTSD in relation to all this. If you want to be with him, maybe some councilling will help you. But I think hes given you no reason as to why you cannot trust him so give him the benefit of the doubt. Until he has litrally breeched your trust then you cannot trust him. This young lady is giving you a reason not to trust him, you need to talk to him about it. I didnt like some of my husbands friends, I would let him go hang out with them on his own. I refused to be near them (they were also girls). They also made me jealous at times, but I didnt want to deprive hubby of his friends. So I let him do things alone with them. I trusted him. You need to talk to your boyfriend about your feelings and if he is a good guy he will try and support you.

Other girls make me feel threatened and insecure when i'm in a relationship

The_Bro — Tue, 09 Nov 2021 02:15:08 GMT

Hi again Bee1998

It's me again! Oh please, please don't let yourself fade into the background!

Be a fierce woman with strength and self respect. He sounds like a great guy but has to be aware in no uncertain terms how you feel about his flirty behaviour.

I feel he will reaction will be very positive as most guys like a woman who has the strength to tell them if there is a behaviour issue. Just keep it very calm, start by telling him how much you love being with him, BUT there is one thing you find upsetting and could he please have a think about it?

Yes it takes courage to do this, but you will feel a great weight lifted off your shoulders immediately.

I look forward to you advising all of us how it goes when you have this conversation.

Breathe deep! The Bro.

Other girls make me feel threatened and insecure when i'm in a relationship

Miz — Tue, 09 Nov 2021 06:08:35 GMT

Hi Bee1998,

Sorry to hear about your situation - it sounds like you've had some disrespectful partners in the past and that might be affecting your current relationship. I just want you to know that these feelings of doubt and jealousy are completely normal given that you've had people cheat on you in the past. It's not your fault that you feel like this. But can I ask, would you feel comfortable explaining to your partner how you feel? I know it's so hard to admit that you are jealous and feel threatened (which happens to all of us) but sometimes when we tell our partner they acknowledge how it makes us feel and respond with reassurance about how strong their feelings are for us.

Your partner sounds like a decent person - maybe it's worth having a chat about it?

Here to talk x

Other girls make me feel threatened and insecure when i'm in a relationship

Bee1998 — Mon, 15 Nov 2021 05:22:24 GMT

I have spoken to my partner about all of this more than once. i am really open with him and tell him how I'm feeling a lot. I just don't know how to trust properly after being cheated on by both partners I had previous serious relationships with. I know the person I am with currently is not the same person, but every time I see a red flag, or think I do, I can't help but think that he's doing wrong by me. This really sucks, as I feel like deep down I do trust him, and I want to, but lately I've been finding it really hard. I've been over thinking everything and my head keeps telling me he's cheating.... I don't know if I'm trusting my gut because I had to learn to do that from my previous experiences, or whether I'm genuinely just being paranoid. What makes it even harder, is the fact that in my other relationships, I had evidence that I was being cheated on, but was still lied to right to my face. They denied cheating on me, even though I had proof. So now even if my current partner denies anything I am suspecting or having doubts about, how am I meant to know if he's telling me the truth?....

Other girls make me feel threatened and insecure when i'm in a relationship

Positive_vibes89 — Tue, 16 Nov 2021 01:06:18 GMT

I think for now just give him the benefit of the doubt until you have hard evidence that he is cheating on you. Red flags are not always what they seem. But from what you have expressed, I feel as if your mind is well and truely made up that he is cheating on you. You are having so many doubts about your relationship, maybe he is not the guy for you? I do think you have issues that you need to work on, and because of this youre not ready for a relationship. To be able to give and receive love you need to work on your issues deep down first. Your relationship will not work because of the unresloved past feelings in which you have taken into your new relationship. You are taking out your unresloved feelings on your boyfriend, it will eventually take a toll on him as well. He may not want to stick around if it continues. I think personally, you are not ready for a realtionship and need to take a step back to work on yourself.

Please consider some relationship councilling from Relationships Australia, this could be a really good place for you to start some self healing 1300 364 277.

Other girls make me feel threatened and insecure when i'm in a relationship

Juliet_84 — Wed, 17 Nov 2021 03:22:47 GMT

Hi Bee,

I went through something similar in my past relationship, where my partner had been cheated on and would accuse me all the time of cheating, I would need to account for every hour spent etc and he would monitor my phone etc. It was an awful way to live for both of us and the reality is that type of behaviour drives a wedge between partners and probably acts as a self-fulfilling prophecy to a large degree. The reality is that if someone is going to cheat on you, they’re going to find a way, it doesn’t matter how many times you accuse them or monitor them, someone can always find an excuse to get away. And these things have a way of being found out, whether you accuse them incessantly or not. Your previous partners sound incredibly immature - I’m not sure how old you were then but I would say in your 20’s? At that age these things tend to happen more frequently as it’s less likely that you are with people who you are seriously considering settling down with. However, I think that most people in their 30s and above are a bit more interested in looking for a genuine partner and cheating, although it still occurs, is more often due to a lack of intimacy or problems in the relationship. I’ve always been of the mindset that your best guard against a partner cheating is to have a happy relationship based on mutual love, respect and trust. So that if the opportunity presents itself, they wouldn’t want to do that to you. I may have been cheated on in the past, I’m not 100% sure as I’ve never really looked for it. And to be honest, I don’t feel worse for not knowing. You can spend your life worrying about perceived threats but if anything it seems to bring about the very thing you fear anyway. I hope that you can find a way to work through your insecurities and settle into the relationship

Other girls make me feel threatened and insecure when i'm in a relationship

Juliet_84 — Wed, 17 Nov 2021 11:40:29 GMT

Hi Bee,

I’ve just read through my previous response and I fear I came across a little blunt unintentionally. It’s really good that you have found someone who you can trust, but I understand that things such as him having female friends or going out to places where there are girls act as triggers for you. I suppose what I was trying to say is “what will be will be”. If he is the type of person who’ll cheat then he will but if he’s not then he most likely won’t if he is in a happy relationship built on mutual trust and respect. Kind of like the old “if you love something set it free, and if it comes back it’s yours. If it doesn’t it never was”. I think that you are already well on the way to trusting your partner it seems but just have these last few hurdles to overcome. Would it help if you met the female friends?

Other girls make me feel threatened and insecure when i'm in a relationship

Bee1998 — Thu, 16 Jun 2022 06:45:48 GMT

HI Juliet_84,

Sorry for the extremely delayed response... I stopped using BeyondBlue for a while.

This is still an ongoing issue for me, and I have not met his one female friend, as he never invites me to things with her.... which is another reason why it's making it hard for me to trust what's going on.

I also am struggling with trust in regards to other females, as I was cheated on by my previous partner, and lied to about it (even when i literally caught him out with her face to face)... This is what makes it so hard for me to know whether or not someone is lying to me, or being faithful... it's the not knowing whether or not what is coming out of their mouth is true or not.

Other girls make me feel threatened and insecure when i'm in a relationship

Juliet_84 — Wed, 22 Jun 2022 13:34:08 GMT

Hi Bee1998,

I understand what you are going through to a large extent, but from the other side, as my ex-partner was incredibly jealous, insecure and controlling. He had been cheated on in his previous relationship and had been lied to and so was paranoid that it would happen again. Unfortunately his way of dealing with it was to control every aspect of my life, monitor my phone calls, harass me constantly, dictate what I could and couldn’t wear, constantly accuse me of cheating, and interrogate me for hours. It made my life a living hell and irreparably damaged our relationship. Having seen that, I am a firm believer in what we are most afraid of, we attract. I am an incredibly loyal partner but he caused so much anguish and starved me of affection so badly that I honestly contemplated cheating, something I feel incredibly strongly against. Your greatest guard against infidelity is a happy, loving relationship. If someone is out to deceive you, they’ll find a way regardless of whether you accuse them or not, it’s not like they’d ever admit it. Regarding trust, my attitude has always been that you can’t trust that no one is ever going to screw you over, but what you need to trust is that you will cope/survive if they do. Realistically, worrying about being cheated on won’t get you a better outcome than trusting your partner. We all have our trust betrayed at times and that is your cue to move on, they clearly aren’t someone you want to be with so better you find out sooner rather than later. It says everything about them and nothing about you. But the inability to trust will rob you of ever having a truly loving relationship. all well and good, but how do you overcome it. If you are insecure about his female friend, explain that to him and that you would feel comfortable once you meet her. Meet and assess the vibe, are they acting weird or is it normal. What are the signs that make you feel you can’t trust this person? Ie assess whether you believe this person is inherently trustworthy. Resist the urge to check through his phone or belongings, the longer you go, the better you will feel. Practice trusting even when you don’t feel like it. and consider seeing a psychologist to work through your trust issues.

Other girls make me feel threatened and insecure when i'm in a relationship

Bee1998 — Thu, 30 Jun 2022 06:36:44 GMT

What do you do when you don't believe something someone says, because you've been lied to before? Do you choose to trust them because society says you can't have a relationship without trust, and you want a healthy relationship, or do you listen to your gut and what your body is telling you?

I get it... just because you've been lied to in the past, doesn't necessarily mean they're lying... but why is my gut telling me otherwise?

My partner recently put up a new instagram post, and as any girlfriend would, I had a look through his likes on the post. I came across a particular account and had a suss. I noticed she had been liking his posts from a few months ago, until now, and he had also done the same. (I get it, that could just be a coincidence), but when I asked him how he knew her, he told me his friend met her out once years ago, and they all hung out. I instantly did not believe this, as his friend wasn't following her on instagram, and why would they both be liking each other's recent posts from the past couple of months, but no earlier (if they had met years ago).

All of this probably sounds petty, but to me it's a big deal not knowing whether or not i'm being told the truth. I also have shrugged off ( or at least been told to shrug off my gut feeling in the past ) , but it turned out every time I had been suspicious about something or someone, I turned out to be right all along.

Other girls make me feel threatened and insecure when i'm in a relationship

james1 — Thu, 30 Jun 2022 07:05:09 GMT

Hey Bee1998,

I don't think you are being petty at all. It's a big deal because it means you don't feel safe and secure in these relationships, and that's not a good place to be for anyone. It's painful, even more so if you've been hurt in the past.

From your latest post, it sounds like you are feeling suspicious and don't trust whether you are being told the full truth. I am not sure if your questions are rhetorical, but I guess my answer would be that you can only do what you think would help you feel more safe and secure. As others here have mentioned, if you feel like you generally have issues trusting others, that could be something to discuss with a counsellor or psychologist. If you feel like that isn't a problem, but that your partner is genuinely untrustworthy, what kinds of actions would you feel safe in taking to help?

I hope that's not too vague of an answer, but I understand you're struggling to work out what to believe and what not to believe, and a lot of that is because the very act of trusting someone often means you can be hurt. It sucks when that happens, and we are here for you regardless.

Just as a bit of a side note, I understand looking through your partners' instagram post likes may feel like a pretty ordinary and harmless thing. From my own experience, I wasn't even FB friends with my previous girlfriend and I hid everything on my profile from non-friends. It never became a problem, though probably also because we never did anything that made the other person suspicious. I expect it may have been problematic if there was reason to suspect. So while I don't think you are doing anything wrong and I hope I don't come across as being negative at all, I thought I'd just offer an alternative story.

James

Other girls make me feel threatened and insecure when i'm in a relationship

Bee1998 — Thu, 30 Jun 2022 08:36:27 GMT

Hi James,

I have just read your response, and found everything you said extremely comforting. Thank you for being so understanding and gentle with your words- that is exactly what I needed right now. ❤️

I am in a pickle right now, because of something that happened between my current partner and I. We broke up for a short period (less than 2 months) and I found out that he paid to have a threesome with two other females. (Keep in mind, I was his first and only relationship) we are both 24. This hurt me on a whole other level.... given how loyal I am, and that I was his first everything. Hearing that honestly tore me apart in ways I don't even want to think about.....So this is one of the reasons I think I'm finding it so hard to trust him in regards to other females.

Other girls make me feel threatened and insecure when i'm in a relationship

geoff — Thu, 30 Jun 2022 17:35:38 GMT

Hello Bee, being able to trust a partner/spouse comes from experience, because you know what their little quirks may be, but in the end you are either told or learn about them in a congenial way and then both have a laugh.

When you break up this trust has to rebuild, it can't naturally be accepted straight away because there is a reason why you have broken up, so confidence, love and honesty need to be established once again.

If, however, he has paid for a threesome while you were apart, then questions are going to be asked whether or not you will be able to trust him again and this won't happen if he starts to keep secrets or has nights away or locks his phone for some unknown reason, because if this does happen then doubt will cause you to wonder whether you can trust him.

Please get back to us.

Geoff.

Other girls make me feel threatened and insecure when i'm in a relationship

Bee1998 — Sat, 02 Jul 2022 07:49:40 GMT

Hi Geoff,

Thank you for your response.

I agree with you saying that trust has to rebuild. I feel like I have mostly moved past the whole threesome thing (even though it crosses my mind every now and then), but I am finding it hard to believe that something like that won't happen again. I get stressed about my partner going out with his mates because 1. they are all single, 2. I've run into them out once , and my partner was offering to buy drinks for two girls right in front of my face, 3. I have recently noticed he follows random girls he meets while out clubbing.... I found this extremely suspicious. When I brought this up with my partner, he made excuses like, "my mate met her" "it was years ago" etc.

Other girls make me feel threatened and insecure when i'm in a relationship

james1 — Sun, 03 Jul 2022 13:55:01 GMT

Hey Bee1998,

Thank you for sharing that. It seems like it was a bit of a painful memory, and I think that says a lot about what you want in a relationship and a partner. I understand how that would make it hard for you to believe it may not happen again, as your trust was broken by him already. And from your description of how he's behaved when going out, it sounds like you're seeing patterns that make it hard to look past what he's done before, and hard to just accept his excuses at face value. I've had similar issues in the past and understand where you're coming from in terms of being suspicious.

I hope you don't mind me asking this question as it might be a hard one to answer, but I don't want to put my own values and needs before yours so I'd really like to understand your thoughts a bit better. What kinds of actions or words from your partner do you think would help rebuild the trust, or otherwise sway you to move on?

I ask because it seems like you're very near a conclusion about whether you think his behaviour is acceptable or not, but seem to also be unsure about what to do. I think you're absolutely right in asking for what you expect in a partner, so I guess I am generally curious to understand what you hope or think will happen from here on?

We're here to support you in however you choose to proceed. Relationships are really hard and it can be really tough to know what to do, but I generally find that things work out for the better overall as long as you have good people around you.

James