topic friendship taken away. can Men & Women be besties ? in Relationship and family issues

friendship taken away. can Men & Women be besties ?

Coffeelover1 — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 13:21:33 GMT

Hey guys so im 40 with 2 kids & a wife,a good job but because ive focused on work & family friends have slipped away. I was lonely & looking for friends. New neighbours moved into the street & our kids got along well so i used that as an excuse to catch up, my dream was for both families to be close. I organised bbq's get togethers, footy nights, boxing at the pub , lunches out & dinners out.There was a couple of boys nights where the dads had beers & watched footy & a couple of girls nights where the Mums saw a movie or drank wine. I suppose I used our kids friendship to get close to them. After 18 months i thought it was going well. The neighbour's wife was more friendly than the husband & i messaged her a lot to organise the catch ups & kids play dates, i though this helped strengthen the friendship

One night the Mums had a wine night at the neighbour's house. my wife txt at midnight for a lift home & i drove the 500m up the street to pick her up. When i got there the neighbours Mum offers me a bourbon and i get on it with her. My Wife decides she is tired & goes home leaving us alone.Me & neighbours Mum have the best night ever as mates drinking & laughing until 5am. I realise she is wasted so i put her to bed innocently at 5am & i walk home thinking we are best friends for life.

So i see neighbour's Wife a few times & im chummy as thinking were besties. Then after 2 weeks she just blows up at Me & tells Me she cant remember the night She was too drunk & from now on all our conversation should be left for when her husband is around

I lost it a bit & desperately sent a lot of txt & messanger messages saying nothing inappropriate happened, we were mates. Our friendship meant the world to Me

After some messaging between us she got nasty & said She felt uncomfortable around Me, we were never friends , she only hung out so our kids could be friends & She dosnt want to speak to Me She's happy to be friends with My Wife but not Me

We havent spoken since

Im totally devestated & struggling to get over it as she wont talk to me at all

obviously the friendship is over but i cant move on

friendship taken away. can Men & Women be besties ?

Croix — Sat, 10 Nov 2018 12:22:31 GMT

Dear Coffeelover:)~

This is a confusing and probably hurtful time for you. I also suspect it is a bit of a minefield. You asked if men and women can be besties, well some can, some can't. Also there is the problem of what other people think - your partner maybe.

Again some people don't mind if their partner is close to someone of the opposite gender, then again others will take it as a threat to their well being and security.

While you may be confident you can keep boundaries in place and simply maintain a friendship it may well be that your neighbor's wife either does not have confidence you can do that , or maybe that she would not be able to maintain such boundaries herself. Then too she may be wresting with problems related to drink.

May I ask if you have discussed the matter with your wife? I would expect if here is a sudden reversal of friendship then she may be wondering what's happening and a frank discussion between you may not only set her mind at rest but also she may be able to suggest practical solutions

What do you think?

Croix

friendship taken away. can Men & Women be besties ?

quirkywords — Sat, 10 Nov 2018 13:04:41 GMT

Coffee lover,

welcome to the forum and thanks for starting this thread as you raise many interesting issues.

I can understand how confused you feel when you felt your behaviour was friend,y and now your neighbour’s wife is being hostile.

I wonder before the drinking session what was the nature of your friendship with the neighbours wife. I know your children played toegether and the women and the men had nights out, but did you talk to her much ..

The time you spent drinking and laughing made you feel you had a real connection with her.

Do you think maybe the alcohol may have influenced how you felt about your friendship?

Maybe she felt guilty and possible did not recall too much so now she needs to distance herself. .

To answer your question from personal experience I think it is tricky men and women being friends when they have partners.

i can see how upset you are when you felt you had a real bind with this woman but she obviously feels uncomfortable or she may have told her husband and he was not happy.

I agree with Croix about talking to your wife about the matter if you have not already told her.

thank you for sharing your post and raising important points.

Quirky

friendship taken away. can Men & Women be besties ?

Coffeelover1 — Thu, 22 Nov 2018 23:36:25 GMT

Thanks for the input guys , I have spoken to my wife at length about this and She feels that I haven’t done anything wrong as I was friends with both the Husband & Wife.

I am not a jealous person so it was hard for me to accept that just because we were the opposite sex we couldn’t be Mates, I really felt we had a connection as friends & I thought she did as well. Now looking back I realise her Husband probably didnt like it .even though there were no bad intentions I guess it is a mine field

its sadly 2 friends lost that meant the world to me but life lesson learned I suppose

friendship taken away. can Men & Women be besties ?

Croix — Sat, 24 Nov 2018 12:43:18 GMT

Dear Coffeelover:)~

Thanks for coming back and letting us know how things turned out. I guess the most important thing is that you were able to talk things over with your partner and all is well.

It can be really destructive when such things are not out in the open, lack of trust and misunderstandings corrode.

As for the 2 'friends' - probably better described as acquaintances - they sound as if they have their own problems relating to drink and trust. You are right it is a minefield best avoided.

Croix

friendship taken away. can Men & Women be besties ?

Coffeelover1 — Sun, 25 Nov 2018 06:39:58 GMT

Thanks Croix I appreciate the wise words.

sometimes I get so focused on the negative things in life and let little things tear me up , this site has really helped me realise that everyone is living with their own issues and it’s not all about me

now that I have taken the time to step back and look at my situation I know what seems so important now will be completely forgotten in years to come , neighbours I don’t know drive past me every day & it doesn’t affect me at all who cares what strangers think really

friendships end all the time & I’m a nice person if I put myself out there I will find good friends , I’ve made friends before & there will be more to come

being part of this site has made me less lonely already thanks everyone 🙂

friendship taken away. can Men & Women be besties ?

Magnetic — Sun, 25 Nov 2018 09:41:53 GMT

Hi All,

I have only 2 same sex friends (female) all the others are male. I realised the challenges with having opposite sex besties when one didn't invite me to his wedding.

'how would my wife have felt' was what he said. We've been friends for 5 years know each others secrets and spend at least 20 hours a week together.

Sorry to sound super negative here; after wasting 10 or more years investing in 'friends' that can't own their feelings and friendships.....I think I am better off with the one or maybe two girlfriends I almost cast aside for the male friendships and the love of myself (when I can find it) and maybe some good music and books.

I wouldn't be too heartbroken CoffeeLover sounds to me like your friend couldn't trust herself and thought she'd point the finger of blame before her husband pointed in misguidedly at her.

I'll just step down from my high horse now 🙂 thanks for letting me offload.

friendship taken away. can Men & Women be besties ?

Coffeelover1 — Mon, 26 Nov 2018 23:30:52 GMT

Thanks Magnetic, I totally understand what you mean ,

to put so much time & effort into an opposite sex friendship , then to have it seen as inappropriate when you have no bad intentions is devastating.

I felt like I was being accused of something...that I had bad intentions or couldn’t be trusted, but in reality I was just a lonely guy who clicked with an opposite sex friend.

had I made the same connection& friendship with a guy it couldn’t be taken away so easily

friendship taken away. can Men & Women be besties ?

Tess2 — Tue, 27 Nov 2018 02:49:43 GMT

Hi coffee lover,

i have been giving your post a lot of thought. I don’t think men and women can be besties and once in married relationships I am not sure they can be close friends. Unless that is as couples. Even then it is dangerous territory. I used to think I had a close friend, who was a man, it nearly destroyed my life in many ways, too complicated to go into. We are no longer friends and I grieve the loss still 8 years since I have seen him.

I see and hear happily married friends who say that their wife/husband is their best friend. I think that is how it is meant to be.

i am sure you had no bad intentions and your wife trusts you, don’t worry about this , focus on the friend you have at home

tess

friendship taken away. can Men & Women be besties ?

Coffeelover1 — Wed, 28 Nov 2018 00:55:27 GMT

Yes good point Tess2 I totally agree with you now and I am questioning all my interactions with other couples and the Women in my life I’m really trying to think about things from other peoples perspective now

I was at a point in my life that I craved a social life Just someone else outside my family to be social with,obviously I tried to be Mates with Her husband but it’s probably sad that I find Women more chatty & willing to open up about their life , where Men put up walls & can be hard to get past chit chat sport & what not , Women would make great friends if it wasn’t such a minefield

friendship taken away. can Men & Women be besties ?

Tess2 — Wed, 28 Nov 2018 03:39:02 GMT

lad you might be feeling better. For the record , my husband, now Long dead, would agree with you about ww

hy women make better friends. Women are more chatty and willing to be open it is great to find men who respond to that. My husband was a hairdresser and adored women. It didn’t make me jealous rather appreciative of him. He was the man at a bbq who was not with the men,rocking on their feet and admiring themselves, but with the women, gossiping and laughing. But his work gave him that in. He would also never cross any boundaries.

There are lots of people out there to be friends with, it is this woman who had the problem

tess

friendship taken away. can Men & Women be besties ?

Coffeelover1 — Wed, 28 Nov 2018 04:21:09 GMT

Thanks Tess2

I really appreciate your input, the B.B. community has really helped Me through this drama

Me growing up with 2 older sisters and their friends hanging around and then having a Wife & 2 Daughter’s Probably makes Me more comfortable around Women than a lot of guys would be

Your Husband sounds like a beautiful soul sorry for your loss, but your memories of him have helped Me with my perspective on life 🙂 thank you for sharing

friendship taken away. can Men & Women be besties ?

quirkywords — Wed, 28 Nov 2018 04:28:16 GMT

Coffelover and everyone reading or posting here,

This is a great thread and has involved beyond your issue, into a very interesting discussion about male and female friendship and the advantages and the pitfalls.

In an ideal world it would be possible but once other people are involved it can be incredibly awkward and difficult.

I know a friend who is friends with her ex and his new wife and friend's husband is ok about that.

This I suppose is rare and is even more complicated than being friends with someone you have never been romantically involved with.

I wonder if people in their 20s will approach this difficulty. I know a woman in her 30s and single was best man at her male friends wedding.

I find it fascinating. I am sorry coffee lover that the friendship ended for you but I appreciate you sharing the dilemma with us.

Quirky

friendship taken away. can Men & Women be besties ?

NotYetEffulgent — Mon, 24 Dec 2018 16:00:24 GMT

Hi everyone,

I’m 25 and finding this conversation of a great insight, as this is a question I’ve been asking myself. Since my ex and I broke-up 8 months ago I’ve been quiet lonely and have missed the deep level friendship one gets in a relationship more than anything else. I’ve got a small friendship circle, but no one I can really rely on for a deep conversation. I’m not really in a stable or responsible spot in life and so don’t feel comfortable entering into a full-blown relationship. Ideally then I’m looking for someone to be best mates with.

A few months ago I was trawling around on a dating website, just looking, not really expecting to find what I was looking for. Eventually after a week I came across this woman with what was a fairly cryptic but profoundly compelling profile. What she had written just popped right out at me and I could tell we were going through something similar. I sent a heartfelt message basically explaining how much her profile had touched me. Her reply was pretty cautious but I could tell her intrigue was as strong as mine, after establishing intentions we actually set a meet. In her view we should just meet and bear ourselves to each other as people just didn’t do that kind of thing. It was an amazing meeting, we talked nonstop 2+ hours and if she didn’t have to leave I reckon we could’ve been there hours more.

She made it clear in that meeting that she’s still hung up on one of her ex’s and that she has intentions of winning him back. I explained that my intentions are that of purely friendship, and that in someways I’m still attached to the memory of my ex. It seems like we have an understanding and might become really good friends. We have one or two more fantastic meetings, but then one day out of blue she’s asks if I’m available to talk. We meetup and she starts talking about her plan to go and confront and apologise to her ex. I’m totally supportive and listen to her plan which sounded solid and well thought out. For valid reasons she can only go and see him at a certain time on a certain day. We meet a few times before the date she plans to woo her ex, when that date comes I wish her luck and enquired afterwards how it went. She hasn’t replied since. It could just be that I’ve been too eager in being apart of her life, clingy almost, or maybe she’s gotten back with her ex and I’m a irrelevancy, perhaps it went bad and she’s embarrassed, or maybe she just got board of me.

friendship taken away. can Men & Women be besties ?

NotYetEffulgent — Mon, 24 Dec 2018 16:03:19 GMT

Shes inspired me, in a way she’s the person I wish I was. It felt like I learnt something new about myself every-time I met up with her. I thought my companionship, honesty and friendship might have been valued higher, but I guess not. She’s had a massive impact on me, and I’m left just trying to make the most of what I’ve gained from it.

I’m not sure if women and men can be close friends or not. I feel women are often easier to talk to on that deeper level. Men can be closed or cryptic. I wear my life, on my sleeve, and there’s very few areas I would not discuss even with strangers, though I try not to gossip or divulge others confidence. But I find most people even old friends are really confronted with talking about ones deeper issues if there’s no connection. So I’m not sure if I just haven't found the right guy/gal to connect with yet.

It’s also made me reflect on the kind of relationship I had with my ex, and if anything I wish that relationship had remained good friends rather than having gotten romantically entangled. Hindsight is a gift and a burden.

Sorry for the double post. I can waffle 😞
NotYetEffulgent

friendship taken away. can Men & Women be besties ?

quirkywords — Tue, 25 Dec 2018 00:50:27 GMT

hello all

NotYetEffulgent,

Thanks for your posts which do not waffle but are very interesting and descriptive.

I suppose you wont know why she has not replied and maybe she will in her own time. It is good you could relate to her and be supportive without wanting more.

I think men and women can be friends but the context has to be right. If you have a partner and you have a friendship with the opposite sex, I feel your partner must be understanding.

I know people who are friend with an ex spouse but I think that maybe the exception. I know someone whose husband is so friendly with his ex and they do have children together, but she finds it takes lots of patience and tolerance.

Thanks for your contributions.

Coffeelover,

How are you and your family. This thread you started is till going and sparks interest.

Quirky

friendship taken away. can Men & Women be besties ?

Coffeelover1 — Wed, 30 Jan 2019 15:30:45 GMT

So these neighbours haven’t spoken to me for 4 months.

It has eaten me up inside, and been a major mental hurdle to have someone not be on speaking terms with Me

We live in a small town our kids do activities together and go to the same school & our paths have crossed a few times and I have been unbelievably uncomfortable they have been an arms length away and not spoken to me

well you wouldn’t believe it I went to register for the local over 35 soccer team & guess who is there THE HUSBAND

i almost left & went home the last 4 months have been tough for Me I am anxious and uncomfortable driving down my own street

so anyway I decided to play soccer even though he is there and invited him to the pub for s beer Tonight

What do I say to him at the pub?

do I discuss the drama?

do I just make a plan with him on how to interact in a polite way & not be friends?

should I try & be friends with him ?

friendship taken away. can Men & Women be besties ?

quirkywords — Wed, 30 Jan 2019 20:50:05 GMT

Coffelover,

good to here from you and your update. I suppose in a small time you will meet up with that couple.

So I am assuming he agreed to come to the pub. That is a good start.

personally I would not bring up the past at all. O

can you play it by ear and see how he reacts, I am guessing if he turns up to the pub that is a good sign.

I can see you are worried but may you can talk about shared interests sport etc. He may be as apprehensive as you are.

Be as polite as you can .

just a few ideas but I don’t know him and how he will react.

i am pleased you still,played soccer and have invited uhim to the pub.

Quirky

friendship taken away. can Men & Women be besties ?

sister moon — Thu, 31 Jan 2019 00:55:33 GMT

What an very interesting topic!

Good luck tonight coffeelover. Well done for doing the things you want despite the discomfort.

I am not sure about the men and woman being friends thing. I think it is a matter of making sure that both people are on the same page and that there isn't any romantic attraction there.

I have a brother and I grew up hanging out more with him and his friends (mostly male) than female. In many ways I was more comfortable around those males (friendship wise that is I had 0 confidence when it came to dating etc). That said my brother and his friends may not have been "typical" males and did communicate well about lots of interesting topics and emotional things there were a couple of females in the group and one of them is my brothers best friend and now shes very close friends with his wife as well.

As a single woman I find it tricky to be friends with married men because I fear this might be misinterpreted by their wives. I find it hard to be friends with single men because friendship is often not what they are after.

I had a friendship break down with female who had a female partner because the partner was jealous (despite my not being same sex attracted). Also another one break down with a female friend who was romantically attracted to me.

Outside of the situations with jealous partners (which is often a trust issue springing from other things that may not have been addressed) or attraction beyond friendship. I think friendships with people of the different genders, gender identities, of sexual orientation are important and healthy and add to our understanding of people.

This said on some levels I found it tricky being with a man who had close female friends.... But I realised that it wasn't actually anything to do with the friendships and everything to do with my own insecurities and trust issues. I was also aware that that there are many benifits to being with someone who has female friends and a the different perspective that brings. Same goes with men who are/were close to their sisters.

One thing that did strike me about your story Coffee lover was the time of night and the drinking. I have no doubt that you didn't cross any lines, and not suggesting you did anything wrong. But it does put things on another level to daylight interactions with out drink...... Just food for thought.

Hopefully you will find like minded people to connect with in the future.

best of luck tonight

friendship taken away. can Men & Women be besties ?

Coffeelover1 — Thu, 31 Jan 2019 05:06:24 GMT

Thanks for the support guys it’s not long now and I’m actually getting really nervous

The last 4 months has been emotionally draining and a challenge for me mentally

hopefully this puts an end to it all tonight

thaks for the emotional support guys

cheers coffee lover