topic More marriage issues. in Relationship and family issues

More marriage issues.

manoody92 — Sat, 08 Sep 2018 16:24:25 GMT

Well here I am again.

Its quite a personal topic this time.

I have been mentally unwell the past few months and have been trialling different medications to see what helps. It’s been quite a difficult time. My husband has been supportive of this, even though he does get frustrated with me quite easily.

Things haven’t been great and I’m finding it more and more difficult to connect with him. Tonight I decided to be intimate with my husband. I was trying to enjoy it, but I just couldn’t. I came to the realisation that I just wasn’t finding it appealing or my husband attractive. I cried immediately after wondering what’s wrong with me. I’m taking this as the last sign that my marriage might be over, or I at least need a separation to sort myself out. The only thing making me stay is our daughter.

I feel so lost. I see my counsellor Monday, but I just wondered what your opinions are?

More marriage issues.

geoff — Sat, 08 Sep 2018 20:08:16 GMT

Hi Manoody, thanks for posting your comment.

It's not easy to get trying different medications for the simple reason you may have to dry out from the previous one, and then you are frightened about what the new medication might do to you, so that's what you worry about more 'the side-effects' rather than it helping you.

All of these changes can also affect your spouse/partner who only want you to get better, but instead, react that they aren't doing anything.

This will make you nervous and uncomfortable when your doctor says 'we' change your AD'S ).

To be intimate is a way you wanted to reconnect with him, so to try and make your r/relationship closer, but if you didn't enjoy it then it maybe a good idea to separate, then you can concentrate on yourself rather than trying to make it better.

This doesn't mean that your marriage is over, you have to remember that you're not feeling well and finding it so difficult, so I would suggest that it's a good idea, but ask your counsellor and get their opinion.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

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manoody92 — Sun, 09 Sep 2018 07:53:58 GMT

Thank you Geoff for your reply.

Yes, the weaning process is probably what’s exhausting me the most. I’m having to wean and try and get through withdrawals all while caring for my 2 year old full time. Then starting the meds and realising they aren’t the correct ones for me is terrifying knowing I have to start the process all over again. It’s been extremely hard.

My husband works full time, and I feel he isn’t really aware of how difficult this all is on me, as much as I tell him I’m struggling. I know he expects me to power through but I just physically can’t at the moment. He does support me, but I feel sometimes this is forced and he doesn’t truly understand.

The intimacy in our marriage has been an issue since our daughter was born, I try my best to initiate things, but I feel he doesn’t really initiate things either. I felt like affection was the only thing that was keeping us connected. But I don’t even want that anymore. In any form. I just want my own space and to be left alone, which is making me think a separation is needed.

I will be going through all this with our counsellor tomorrow to see what she thinks. I suppose it’s just the fear of actually going through with it that’s holding me back from making the decision.

Thanks again for your reply.

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manoody92 — Mon, 10 Sep 2018 07:40:55 GMT

Just an update after going to see my counsellor today.

She suggested it might be a good idea if I’m feeling overwhelmed at the moment to maybe go stay with my parents with my daughter for a while until things settle down. She thinks if I continue the way I’m going I might have some sort of mental breakdown. I can totally see where she’s coming from but don’t know how to bring this up with my husband.

Many suggestions?

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manoody92 — Sun, 16 Sep 2018 04:07:59 GMT

Hi everyone. I thought I’d just put out there how I’m feeling today.

I feel terrible, I’ve been sleeping all weekend, headaches, anxiety. I just feel hopeless. I’m obviously unhappy, but I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt my husband but at the same time I know I need to focus on me to try and get better.

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Guest_7403 — Sun, 16 Sep 2018 12:11:40 GMT

Hey, just reading your posts...you never actually say that you've sat your husband down and actually told him how close you are to leaving or how mentally drowned you really are.

Have you done that?

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Anxioussinglemum — Mon, 17 Sep 2018 08:05:02 GMT

Hey Manoody,

I hear you, I have been separated from my ex, father of my 4yr old daughter, since christmas. We'd been together a long time & I had thought over the years many times of leaving him but it was the fear of actually going through with it that stopped me until last Christmas. As hard as it was, I had to tell him how I felt, like I had done many times before, but it wasn't until we separated that he is now trying to do the right thing, most of the time, & in my case it's too little too late. Once I got the strength to tell him that I no longer loved him & no longer wanted to be with him, I felt empowered, I was taking my life back, as I do believe a lot of my mental health issues have been a reaction to a lot of the rubbish that had gone on in my relationship. Yes I have anxiety & suffer from depression but I feel some of the things he did, or didn't do, helped exacerbate it. I still have anxiety nearly all the time, especially when I have to be open & honest in my feelings with my ex, as he is desperately trying to get us back together, but when I speak my truth & am honest with him even though I know it upsets him, the anxiety starts to dissipate, it never goes away just lessens enough for me to get on with things. It was when I tried to cater to his feelings & keep him happy, forgetting about my feelings, wants & needs that my depression & anxiety got worse. If there is something now that I need to discuss with him but know will cause him to get upset I text him with the details & say we can talk about it later but I am not going to argue about it. This gives him time to process without instant reaction to me causing an argument. eg. we are still living under the one roof, separate bedrooms. I was asked to house sit for a couple of weeks. When I told him, he caused such an argument & said some really awful things that caused my anxiety to become so overwhelming that I nearly pulled out from doing it, & it is simply house sitting in the same town, where we can share the looking after of our daughter quite easy but it is not on his terms & he no longer has control over me.

Talking with your hubby might be good for both of you. Being open & honest about how you are feeling is hard but it's doing something right by you & allowing yourself to validate your own feelings may give you some relief. Time out is good for everyone once in a while. Do it for you & your daughter, it might be just what you & your relationship needs, some space.

Take care x

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manoody92 — Mon, 17 Sep 2018 15:41:52 GMT

Hi, yes I have told him. We’ve had the discussion several times.

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manoody92 — Mon, 17 Sep 2018 15:46:18 GMT

Hi thank you so much for your post.

I feel like this is the direction I’m heading in. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me.

Can I ask what were the sort of things your partner was doing that were exacerbating your anxiety/depression? Just so I know where you are coming from?

Thanks so much again.

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geoff — Mon, 17 Sep 2018 19:04:43 GMT

Hi Manoody, I'm sorry I missed your reply but I like Anxioussinglemum's reply, especially when she says ' he no longer has control over me'.

There is a big difference between someone who really listens to what you are saying, than someone who seems as though they are listening and reply with a mandatory 'yes' or 'no', the latter indicates they're not interested or their mind is elsewhere.

I tend to agree with your counsellor and that's why we are worried about you, simply because this discussion that you keep having with your husband is like a 'tug of war', not so much as that, but a pull and take, the same principle, that's why it's possible that it could be building up inside you.

The discussion will never end in a mutual agreement so you need to do what's best for you and your daughter.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

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Anxioussinglemum — Tue, 18 Sep 2018 01:31:41 GMT

Hey Manoody,

No worries, I'm glad my story might be able to help.

It's really hard sometimes to pin point exactly what he does. It's kind of like an uneasy undercurrent. I never knew what sort of a mood he would be in. He used to smoke pot until we broke up at christmas (he says he hasn't done it since then) and this, I believe made him irritable and selfish. He didn't want to spend really any time with my family or go and do anything for any length of time with me, like shopping or out for lunch as it would mean he would be without his pot.

He was quite controlling, he didn't like me doing anything much outside of him. He would constantly pick on my driving and get frustrated most days, or every other day at something I did. He didn't pull his weight around the house and became quite obsessive with the computer, searching for information on one of his obsessions at the time. I didn't spend any money on myself as I felt like he would become upset with this, even though I was the main bread winner.

I didn't like to have a confrontation with him because he could get nasty and spiteful and he would say things that really hurt about me or my family, as I am extremely close with my family, only not in distance, and he knew that was how he could hurt me.

He is the most judgmental person I have ever come across, so I always was worried about what I said to him about my friends or family in fear of him judging them.

The beginning of our relationship was tumultuous, we fell in love so fast but there was a lot of jealousy and I think he needed to feel in control of our relationship and to some degree me and what I did. I believe now this is due to insecurities. There was also episodes of DV in the first couple of years, which I believe I possibly suffer PTSD from as any confrontation with him now causes negative physiological and psychological issues, it could also just be anxiety from it as well.

Hope this helped.

How are you going? Have you gone to your mum and dads for a break?

Thinking of you.

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GoodWitch — Tue, 25 Sep 2018 03:15:38 GMT

Hi Manoody just checking in with you to see how you are. we've been following each other around the forums a bit and I relate to a lot of what you're saying. did you end up going to stay with your mother for a while? It's good that you have that option available, a chance to get some space without actually having to find accommodation or sign a lease somewhere else. Maybe that's provided some clarity?

I also sometimes cried after sex because it felt so empty and pointless to me, like I was nothing just a piece of meat. It's why I eventually stopped doing it, been over 9 months since anything more than the occasional kiss on the cheek occurred, and that's bec the counsellor advises me to do it. I don't know how long a relationship can go on without sex I know some people do it, but when you started out with more it's hard to know whether you can adjust to the loss of it. It's soul destroying.

Your posts are very helpful Anxioussinglemum, thank you for what you've said. I hope you find the strength to sort through what's going on with you. No physical violence in my relationship but I did grow terribly afraid of his moods and the nasty way he usually reacted to any perceived complaint on my part. It does lessen your confidence when dealing with conflict I totally get that. best of luck to you xo