topic Married 35 years first time in trouble in Relationship and family issues

Married 35 years first time in trouble

Selfcontrol — Sat, 21 Jul 2018 19:46:41 GMT

Hello eveybody
My wife of 35 years yes 35 ,had been distance and just different for sometime.
I noticed quite a few changes over the past year yes all the usual, weight loss ,new hair style, new wardrobe, etc etc chuck in menopause and it’s been a trying time.
No matter how many signs of an affair you want to tick she was ticking quite a few.
After a few failed attempts at getting her to open up over the past year ,recently I asked her straight out are you having an affair this was met with a no.
I let her know how I have been feeling I asked if there is something wrong anything we can talk through.
I asked if she been asked out that has given her cause for thought this was met with avoidance not a no.
I threw in a name that that I have heard.
in passing conversation with me in the past One such conversation she mentioned was his wife had left him four months ago.

This guy is a regular customer they see each other often.
Thinking it was just coffee etc I was shocked to hear he wanted her to come away with him on a European trip.
Yes he knows she is married
She told me she declined.
I asked if this no was a no that would let him know he is out of line.
She said I just said no as he is a really nice guy
This was some 4 weeks ago I asked if she has had any further contact with him ,yes nice guy....etc
Then she let me know about a week ago he put this app on her phone so he could send pics while he was away.
He doesn’t leave for another 6 weeks
its a privacy chat app Viber
he set it up.

I looked through the contacts and I couldn’t see his name.
After tears ,storm out etc Told me the assumed name she put him under.
Did he do that? ..no
she picked the name that on a quick glance it would look like an old female boss of hers.
I am totally gutted she says she has no feelings for him.
He is a nice guy 🤬 we’re just friends.

She says she doesn’t see it that he wants it to be more
I have asked all contact to cease which is possible she refuses to do this
She says that’s controlling I let her know how that it hurts me.
I can’t get her to see what this guy really wants from this holiday
How does a guy get the confidence to ask such a question?
I feel it was asking her to leave her husband and have a good time with me
Even hiding his name shows she knew it was wrong but refuses to acknowledge that.

What can I do or say that may help her see this friendship in a different light.
She doesn’t want me to approach this guy.
Any advice greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Married 35 years first time in trouble

Doolhof — Sun, 22 Jul 2018 06:40:10 GMT

Hi Selfcontrol,

Welcome to the community here on the forum.

Sorry to read you have quite an issue on your hands.

Is it possible for you to show your wife love, care and concern at this time. It seems to me she is flattered by the attentions of this man, if you were to show her extra attention she may well re-focus on what she actually does has.

I'm not suggesting that you are not loving your wife already, sometimes an extra effort goes a long way.

When a person thinks the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, they can be blinded by the lushness to what is right under their feet.

As you have asked your wife to not take this matter any further, I can understand you would be confused and hurt by her actions and words.

I hope the two of you are able to talk this out and work it out. You may benefit from calling Relationships Australia and talking to someone there to help understand how to proceed from here.

I know when my husband makes me feel like he loves me and cares for me, I go out of my way to be a better wife to him. Relationships can be difficult to at times. Hope you manage to work this out.

Cheers from Dools

Married 35 years first time in trouble

Selfcontrol — Sun, 22 Jul 2018 20:49:47 GMT

Hi everyone
Thanks Dools for those understanding words.
Due to the word count of this forum there was a lot of context I had leave out in my first post.
Every time I wrote it became G.R.R. Martin novel.

question before the long post.
Do I have the right or need to speak to the new guy my wife insists I don’t, I respect my wife’s wishes and have not.
he will know now that the app has been deleted. My wife won’t say what she will tell him about the why other than “I don’t know how to use “ .. here let me show you ....let it go I will deal with it etc etc

It in someway makes me feel weak by not talking to him.He is a huge guy so much bigger than me so I wouldn’t be in anyway shape or form intimidating to him. Looking at him and on the occasion we met I get the impression that he would probably knock the block off someone if they made a move on “his women”
The next time I see him just a little bit of me wants to call him by the assumed name my wife gave him.

Infatuation was not something I thought of I was saying love which she easily and rightly denied but your word would have been a much better term. Thanks for that.
My wife’s change wasn’t quite as sudden as the my opening post would have it seem.
My wife had never given me cause for concern in our marriage I trusted in her whole heartedly we told each other everything.
Had been that way for 33 years
As she was becoming distance from me ,by nature I’m a fixer if I see a problem I feel the need to fix it.
My wife on the other hand is an avoider.
With my wife’s change I started reading the many sites about like all the signs of an affair.

I learnt from that you can’t change someone else you can only change yourself.

So I did take a critical look at my own behaviour and try to see how my wife would view me.

I recognised my faults which all revolved around “me knowing best”
My wife would have felt like she had no voice in our relationship.
So I set about change around 18 months ago.
I opened up to my wife and sincerely apologised if she felt that way and said I wanted to change.
In short I am still not perfect but I do have a much better idea when I am not.
I hated the term try to “win her back” this is used a lot on the articles I read.
I don’t see my wife as some prize but I understand the idea.
Much like you say Dools I feel I tried to make my grass greener but after such a long drought I fear it will never been green enough.

Hopefully I can continue in a following post

Married 35 years first time in trouble

Selfcontrol — Sun, 22 Jul 2018 22:54:45 GMT

I have and my wife acknowledges I am better she appreciates the little gifts I give,
The extra work around the home and she says she absolutely feels I love her.
This new guy if it gets into a “contest”
He has far more disposable income than (us) me.
He won’t show his emotional baggage that I carry and I feel my wife only picks up on the faults.
Obviously he is being the best person he can be but this is bringing the worst out in my wife.
This guy turns out he has had two wives leave him
The last wife left not months ago as I was first told but only 3 weeks before asking my wife out on the European trip.
Even the way her asked her out
“When are you going to let me treat you like a Princess and let me take you to Europe”
My wife told me this and said it made her feel so special.
I take so offence to that like somehow he thinks or has been told I treat her like the old step mums from Cinderella.
One behaviour I can now change
Everything she did ,her looks ,what she would wear, beauty routines,trips to work when not working ,
The lack of intimacy, closed off withdrawn
I would judge ,scrutinise and at times question.
She felt my judgement, scrutiny and saw it as controlling.
Which now has got us to were we are.
Her behaviours affect my behaviours etc.
This cycle has to stop
She won’t break contact
So now I feel I must let go accept that there is an infatuation to a man that on face value can offer so much more.
If it turns into something greater I feel sure that this relationship built on lies and deceit will fall the same way.
My wife deserves so much better.

I just thought my wife was having some kind of an affair ,emotional or physical.
I now have no need to question the answer is clear.
Trust has gone yet to be rebuilt that I can’t do alone
I now or could ever control the outcome.

No more judgemental snide remarks, no more whys
My behaviours were fuelled by negative thoughts surrounding the possibility of an affair.
I will carry a positive attitude hoping that everything will be okay.
Focus on what I can do right rather than what my wife is doing wrong.
I will put time into myself open my world, find my worth and while I will do whatever it takes to “win” back the love and respect of my wife.
If it comes it will be brought about by the change in me.
First step is to join a gym boy I have a lot of work to do.

On a positive we have both agreed to seek counselling we have started this process Initially it’s one on one sessions.

thanks

Married 35 years first time in trouble

geoff — Sun, 22 Jul 2018 23:50:39 GMT

Hello Selfcontrol, welcome to the forum and thanks for posting your comment which has indeed upset you, I'm sorry that after 35 years this has happened.

I know you want to talk with this chap, that's understandable, but I'm not sure that's a good idea, the power and emotional strength has to come from your wife, if she says no to this other chap, then nothing will happen and no other 'friendship' will develop.

You could be talking to one, two, then three or four people different men exhausting yourself not only with worry but concern, but if your wife says 'no' then they will back off.

The way I overcame depression was to turn a full circle and do everything that I hadn't done before because if I continued on doing exactly the same then all the same problems would likely return.

I can say this hoping you know what I mean, change how you approach your wife, alter what you are doing, you need to draw back her attention in another way.

Let me know.

Geoff.

Married 35 years first time in trouble

Selfcontrol — Mon, 23 Jul 2018 00:54:09 GMT

Thanks Geoff
I just feel like the butt of their joke just felt by calling him by the assumed name next we meet it would somehow turn the tables
I won’t do this I will respect my wife’s wishes and yes I agree Geoff she needs to the one to put this guy straight if that’s what she wants to but I have to be the reason why she says it
I would like her to reply no thank you I’m very happily married
I would like her to tell him that the app was deleted because it was so wrong
The assumed name was so wrong
I felt horrible that I betrayed my husband and I am doing what I can to regain my husbands trust
That would be a great step forward
Not there yet

Married 35 years first time in trouble

Doolhof — Mon, 23 Jul 2018 02:11:01 GMT

Hi selfcontrol,

I would like to commend you for your self control! To me you are thinking this all through logically and have plans in place to try and turn this situation around.

All the best with the counselling. Are you aiming for couple's counselling as well? I took my husband along to a couples session. He talked the whole time about everything that is wrong with me, then declared there was no point having any more sessions as I now knew all the things I had to fix! Needless to say he was very happy and couldn't understand why I wasn't. Ha. Ha.

Confronting this other man may feel like the right thing to do, but I am not really sure how that would go.

Attending a gym, building up your self esteem in healthy ways, connecting with friends, being social, keeping busy, all of these things may help you feel better about yourself.

Unfortunately some people do grow tied of their relationships. They see something that looks exciting and new and want to go for it, not looking to see what is actually lurking in the background.

I wonder how far into the future your wife has looked? If you become tired of her behaviour and ask her to leave would the other guy take her in and look after her? What is to say he would not tire of your wife and look for someone else.

Infatuation can be exciting, exhilarating and make us feel good about ourselves. I don't know how far you are willing to go to help your wife see things from your point of view. Could you organise a date night with her? Do something a little different and new to spice things up a little for you both.

Wishing you all the best, cheers from Dools

Married 35 years first time in trouble

To_Old_For_This — Mon, 23 Jul 2018 07:06:32 GMT

Oh Selfcontrol,
I have been where you are at and I am a little jaded. I tried being the good wife. I tried making myself prettier, more accommodating etc. It doesn't work (well not in my experience). I foolishly went along trusting my husband and respecting his right to have a friendship with a woman. He slammed me for behaving jealously etc. As it turns out, I had every reason to be jealous.

If she is not going to respect your wishes, then why are you so prepared to respect hers?

I read an article recently, talking about playing the 'pick me' game, where both partners- in this case you and him, both want to win. Meanwhile the person in the middle- in this case your wife, is the only one winning. She is getting attention from two men who want her. What better compliment than that?

Honestly, having been there and seeing it now, from the other side. I would think long and hard about what you want and what you are prepared to put up with. I truly believed many of the lies I was fed. I was gaslit and manipulated whilst my husband carried on an affair right under my nose.

I hope this is not what is happening in your situation, but please know, if she was prepared to lie about one thing, she is going to lie about a lot of other things. You trying to be a better husband, is only feeding her ego. Until she see's the light, you can't win her back.

My husband openly admits, he needed to face losing everything he had, before he realised what he was throwing away.

I want this to work out for the best for you. It's a horrible situation, but it seems you are a smart man. Don't let this ruin you. Stand up for what you know is right. Make your choices, set your boundaries and stick with them.

Married 35 years first time in trouble

therising — Mon, 23 Jul 2018 09:16:16 GMT

Hi Selfcontrol

Good to hear you are heading down the path of counseling; reassuring to know you're both invested in nurturing the marriage (she obviously still cares for you).

Could be wrong but I imagine your wife is revealing things to you to indicate the idea that other men find her attractive/interesting. Is this an invitation for you to express the same towards her, in a variety of ways? If she's an intelligent woman, I suggest you appeal to her intelligence when sweeping her off feet (no large amounts of money needed in many cases). Intelligent women often appreciate many simple gestures! Personally, I'd absolutely melt if my husband suddenly pulled over to the side of the road to run into a florist. In my imagination, out he would come with a single rose proclaiming 'This is nothing in comparison to your beauty!' Sounds soppy but it's a winner. A single rose, a few dollars. I've tried telling my husband 'Romance is expressed through the gesture of feeding another person's soul'. I'm still waiting for that rose! In truth, he is a great guy.

If this guy's intentions are sinister, he sounds like a self-serving so and so who lacks some basic intelligence and self-control. You have the advantage of knowing who your wife is (her likes and dislikes); you have a history there to work with when it comes to what she would define as romantic or 'soul-speak'. If you have the cash, go for a nice weekend away up to the hills or down the coast and say to her 'I have saved $50 for every kilo you have lost over the past months, all the effort you have made, which has led us to enjoy this time together. Let us celebrate you!' Something that speaks to her soul would reveal you as being a mature thoughtful friend and husband and that dude as being a basic selfish sleaze. By the way, make it $20 for every kilo if she's lost a lot of weight, you don't want to send yourself broke.

You sound like you have both done much work on self-development already over the months and you are to be seriously commended. I hope you keep the ball rolling in the process of now growing together.

Take care and, I must say, I do admire your self-control!

Married 35 years first time in trouble

Selfcontrol — Tue, 24 Jul 2018 07:22:14 GMT

Thanks so much to old for this, sorry to hear you went through something similar it does give me hope reading that you guys pulled through.
Yes I have struggled with that very question but love is one of those funny things I love my wife and until I don’t I won’t give up on her or us.

My belief is two wrongs wont make a right.

If I wanted to be respected I have to act respectfully.

If I get crushed doing the right thing so be it .
Then I will learn to unlove. Yes there is a google search for that😞

Trust is now the big issue of course I just don’t know what to believe.
Sadly I asked to look through her phone etc for evidence to backup what she was telling me.
I felt awful she got defensive is this how’s its going to be?
I have asked her to research regaining or rebuilding trust because it is not something you can just wing it and well what do you expect it doesn’t come back overnight if at all.
Actions and a willingness to change is what I’m looking for words are meaningless at this time.

At the moment the counselling is on individual bases I do hope it leads to couples counselling.
Hopefully we are both on the same page with a willingness to stay together
If that’s the case I would be pretty sure the one bit of advice would be to break all contact with this divisive person .
He has no respect for the sanctity of marriage.
Hearing it from just me she sees as controlling and I get the same line that just infuriates me ....he’s just a nice guy
hopefully hearing it from someone with higher stand will carry more weight
That will be the make or break for me I can’t go on if she considers him a friend
He obviously wants to be more and my wife well time will tell.
I have no doubt she is infatuated with him or the lifestyle he can offer.
I Just hope she can snap out of it like your husband did I am not prepared to give up yet.
Thanks again for your comments it does help to know you pulled through.
I am so glad I posted here even just writing my problems out has been a help

Married 35 years first time in trouble

Selfcontrol — Tue, 24 Jul 2018 09:10:53 GMT

Hi therising
Thanks for your comments sadly much of what you say have being doing for the past few years.
It would seem to me that my efforts don’t hold as much weight as those from others.
Movies ,walks ,even just watching tv etc etc were always met with the to word ...to tired ...to much to do ...

In reality I think it is a self fulfilling ideal.
I would think when she has conversations with “friends” you get more attention if you just say your weekend was pretty boring just did some grocery shopping and laundry.
I think this ties in with his use of the “princess” line and the trip Europe
I doubt I would give her any reason to throw me into conversations in effect I’m invisible.
My own doing to some extent something I will continue to rectify.

I also believe this guy has no feelings for my wife he sees her a just another
notch his belt.
It’s so sad that my wife is infatuated with this type of person
The behaviours she is exhibiting just go against every core value my wife held some two years ago.
I know I have needed to change but the change in her is so dramatic I don’t believe it’s all me.

Wether it’s a shift due to menopause,life expectations or she just lost interest in me
Time and a lot of work will tell.

I no longer fed her soul I guess it got stale I understand the lift you would get from others , that feeling of “oh I’ve still got it.”
It’s when you act on them and not give thought to those that really care that destroys your soul it has change my wife into something she never was.

Just hope counselling is the answer ,well it will have an outcome that I’m sure of just hope it’s an outcome that we are both happy with
Thanks again it nice to feel others care

Married 35 years first time in trouble

therising — Tue, 24 Jul 2018 20:55:40 GMT

Hi Selfcontrol

Sounds like you're putting in a lot of effort, which is truly admirable! Adaptability is definitely an admirable quality.

I can remember some years ago looking into marriage counseling, when troubles were present and our kids were young. The counselor put it beautifully, 'There are 3 individual tiers to work on: 1) The self, aka The foundation, 2) The relationship with your partner and 3) The overall family unit.' Would be good for you to seek clarity regarding how the counseling process will work for you, what the plan is.

Getting to know yourself (your strengths and quirks) within the relationship is definitely important, before understanding the relationship dynamics. For example, I know that when my self-esteem is low, it tends to impact my relationship with other people including my husband. It's not that others around me have changed in any way, I have. Relationships tend to be both active and reactive in many cases, in the way they play out.

Holding focus on yourself to a degree is so important at this time. Try to remember that you are of great value no matter how your wife is acting.

Take care

Married 35 years first time in trouble

Selfcontrol — Wed, 25 Jul 2018 21:55:59 GMT

Hi everybody
Thought I would update you on our progress.
Things really haven’t changed.
A few days ago was my wife’s first opportunity to speak to this other person regarding deleting the app ,I had said to her that he will know it’s gone so a conversation will follow.
She wasn’t interested in talking through with me what she was going to say ,she will handle it is how it was left.
Sadly it is here that I have made things worse of course I wanted to know, did she see him today, what was said.
I tried not to ask but I was unsure if she would tell me if she did ,it hurt so much not know.
It caused friction.
The day she did see him she told me that she approached him and said
“My husband knows about the app,So I deleted it ,it just felt wrong”
He replied that’s fine.
Then she said they just went on with general chit chat.
I am so sad to me that appears like only because my husband found out
Just looks like it’s all on me.
How am I supposed to react the next time I see him.She is insistent I say nothing.
I feel so belittled I see myself through his eyes looking less “manly” for not
approaching him.
Felt wrong? It should considered be very wrong.
No ownership of the wrong doing ,no clear sign that whatever they had will not continue.
Then to have chit after 🤨 well I asked if this chit chat will now stop
No ....is the answer ,will you tell me when and what conversations you have with this person ,no.
It will only upset you that we still talk.
He is just a friend
No he is not a friend ,I have said that they both have crossed that friendship line
He by asking you on the trip
I asked her surely you would think he would expect intimacy on this trip and what was his plan when both of you returned home?
She will not think down those lines says I’m not a mind reader I can’t think for him.
My wife has crossed the friendship line with the app and assumed name.
She has a few other male work colleagues that I have absolutely have no problems with they all are friends.
She doesn’t see it or rather wont see it that way.

So now if she goes to work I have to wonder what’s happening ,if I continue to badger or dig it makes home life unbearable for her so work is a fun place home full of turmoil and discomfort not what you want trying to rebuild a marriage.

Not so from her perspective her actions tell me it’s not my trust she is after more over she just wants me to let it go.

Cont.

Married 35 years first time in trouble

Selfcontrol — Wed, 25 Jul 2018 22:00:52 GMT

I had my second counselling session after this conversation and discussed this with my counsellor, to put briefly that was their suggestion to ...let it go ...don’t pester ,ask questions etc it won’t change anything as just knowing what they talk about will only escalate the conversation creating that unhappy Home life.
It’s for my wife to choose.
What value does she put on this friendship over our marriage.
For now it’s seems higher.
Second piece of advice was to give me some me time.

Its like giving this guy a free hit it just sucks its not in my nature to do nothing.
How can I be this happy husband if my mind is just full of doubt.
I am to continue with my own change ,date your wife movies ,meal ,walks etc
Tried twice this week ....to tired....nothing on ....
Bought her bunch of roses ......”what did you do that for”
I know she would love beauty treatments ,facials etc but I can’t bring myself to those sort of gifts I feel that anything along those lines are for the other person I cannt pay for that.
I understand that it won’t change overnight or there is any short term fix.
It just seems I’m the one apologising for her indiscretion
I’m the one that has to “win” her back.
I still love her and I feel the need to protect her from making a terrible mistake with a guy that may not have genuine interest in her.
Geez it was only three weeks out of his second wife leaving him when he asked my wife out.

Everything just sucks
Ultimatums or leaving is not an option nothing will be gained from that
I feel sure my wife would like that freedom ,I have to work at staying but I know
I can’t just pretend that everything is ok for very long.
How on earth can I do that
My insecurities will see me being judgmental ,scrutinising ,thinking what’s going on. I will bite my tongue try not to verbalise my thoughts or hurts
A Cycle feeds a cycle.

Undoubtedly this will harden my heart and erode the love I have for my wife
Making the next step easier.
That thought just sucks

The hope I have is she snaps out of this infatuation with the help of her counselling
I hope she can see the good in what she has rather than focus on any past negatives that she feels hard done by.

Let her go to get her back
I understand the concept but to put it into practise from my side it’s just horrible.

Married 35 years first time in trouble

therising — Thu, 26 Jul 2018 19:51:37 GMT

Hi Selfcontrol

It's good your wife told the guy that you know about the app, giving her cause to delete it. I understand you wanted more but, still, what she said sends a message to this guy and that is 'There are things my husband will not tolerate and I need to be more considerate of him'. It also says 'There is a line my husband knows you are crossing.' There you go, it's out there now. I know you'd like to confront him but most women would be embarrassed and angry if their husbands did the physical/verbal confrontation thing. Sounds weird but from a female perspective it's a little like an 'ownership' thing (aka 'Hands off my property pal!')

Although frustrating, good advice from the counselor in regard to focusing on yourself. They will also be able to give you some tips in how to approach your wife in positive ways with any serious concerns. With the one on one counseling, your wife will be doing her own self-focusing. When the 2 of you eventually come together, things should appear much clearer in regard to the path of the marriage (definitely a slow and frustrating process although worth the effort and time). I understand you want more answers for all the questions you have to ask your wife but there is always the risk of you pushing her away in your search for satisfaction.

It's a tough situation with elements of helplessness thrown into the mix. In a productive and healthy sense, the only person who you can truly control in this case is you, so continue to focus on yourself and...

Take care

Married 35 years first time in trouble

To_Old_For_This — Fri, 27 Jul 2018 05:18:18 GMT

Oh Selfcontrol

I want to tell you to trust your feelings. Trust your instincts. Maybe your wife needs a shock. (That's what my husband said he needed). Put your foot down. Him or me.

I am probably the wrong person to give advice on this, but I can see the pain oozing out of your words and I want it to stop for you.

This guy is not a friend. If this 'friendship' is causing so much grief in your marriage, wether there is something going on or not, it is not a healthy friendship and needs to stop.

I can't agree with you having to suck up to her and trying to make her see you as the good guy. As I wrote before, it's like rewarding her for her bad behaviour. It's akin to giving a child a lolly so they will stop throwing a temper tantrum.

Follow your gut, Selfcontrol. Do what you feel is right, because no matter what anyone else says, you have to live in your life and this is your marriage on the line. No one else's.

Married 35 years first time in trouble

Selfcontrol — Sun, 29 Jul 2018 00:19:23 GMT

Hi everybody
First I have an apology to make to the board after re-reading my last post
I only focused on the negative responses regarding roses.
Although the first response was not what I was expecting or wanting ,the thank you and appreciation for the roses did come in away that was genuine.
I understand her first response it was a reaction to me doing something out of character.
I failed to see a tree hidden in the forrest and posted emotionally. Painting a picture of my wife that suited my feelings. Sorry that was very wrong of me.
Lesson number 2 don’t post when things are too fresh and raw
Therising,
Thanks again for putting in a different perspective and I do agree and it is certainly better than no conversation at all.
My wife also telling me about this conversation is another positive step that shows a willingness to move on.
The deleting of the app and my wife’s chat with him I feel I needn’t have come into that conversation at all other than the hurt it has caused.
I wanted it to be clear that he gets the message that what she did was wrong and hurtful.
I don’t feel it has closed anything off.

If he is a nice guy maybe he won’t need any further hints and will step away.
That’s the mark of a nice guy to me.

Married 35 years first time in trouble

Selfcontrol — Sun, 29 Jul 2018 00:33:54 GMT

To Old For This,
I admire your courage you had a strength, a greater feeling of self worth that I currently lack.
Sadly an ultimatum will only end in our separation giving me no room for improvement, I do not have the courage to take that step.
While we are together I feel I can have some roll to play regaining what we once had.
It still resides in me and while it does I will do what I must. I do acknowledge that this has a time limit and boundaries.
For now it I feels I must control my reactions and have faith in the process.

Other than a difference of opinion on the use of the term friend and “nice guy”
It’s the boundaries that we disagree on.
I want no contact ,my wife believes she can remain cordial and polite and limit contact.
She feels anything other will be rude ,I know being rude is totally against her nature.

I believe he won’t respect those boundaries and he will draw her into conversation at every opportunity. This man has no respect for me or our family.
There is no place in my mind where I am comfortable with her talking to this man on any level given the history and knowing he has a desire for it to become intimate.

For me to move on I do think it will take a proper no contact chat with him and he gets the message from my wife that what she did was wrong and crossed the line of just friends.
Hopefully going on to say,
This has hurt my husband so much and damaging the trust he had in me that I want to rebuild the first step to repairing his trust in me is to break all contact with you.Please respect my wishes.
Hopefully with counselling and my efforts she can find the courage and she will say something along those lines.

That will take a huge effort on her part I do not under estimate how difficult that conversation would be for her it’s just not in her nature.
I just wish that conversation would come as easily as installing the app and hiding his name did.
Whilst she, at least outwardly to me , is in a denial stage of what is happening that conversation won’t take place.
All the above is just full of hope I trust it’s not a fantasy.
If I focus on this hope and not the negative narratives I make up I will become a more positive person .hopefully 😊
I will continue to work on myself both physically and mentally and I maybe in better place to handle whatever comes next.

Thanks again for giving me an outlet I do feel my world it just that little bit bigger.
I really do appreciate all the above input and it is a big help.

Married 35 years first time in trouble

Doolhof — Sun, 29 Jul 2018 06:53:11 GMT

Hi Selfcontrol,

It would certainly be a lot easier if we could just erase issues that we don't want to deal with or struggle with.

Seems like you are finding ways to move forward, have an idea about looking after yourself more, that can only be beneficial.

Relationships can get messed up. Hope you manage to get yours back on track again. One thing I have learnt, a relationship can never be the same again, it is always different than it was.

Cheers from Dools