topic Broken heart for the best? in Relationship and family issues

Broken heart for the best?

Calv — Mon, 07 Jan 2019 08:02:35 GMT

Hello,

So I’ll start off my girlfriend of neally 4 year broke up with me about 3 weeks ago. We lived together did a lot together and I thought she would be the one I would marry and have a family with.

After the breakup I stayed in the house for a week because she broke up with me because “ she just doesn’t love or attracted to me anymore” I then went to her parents for a week for Christmas because we booked flights and they lived interstate. I was hoping to try make it work while up there but it did.

I feel like I felt it coming we cooked dinner together she ate it in bed and went to sleep without a goodnight or kiss or anything and I ate it on the couch and went to bed later at night. No sex only when she was drunk and if I ever tried to initiate it she would crack it. I’m 24 she’s 27 so we’re only young. She never kissed me hello or anything I always initiated it all.

I loved her so much and she rarely gave me any love but it’s all the small things I’m really missing the jokes and little hugs and just activities together.

My first breakup ever was really hard and I ended up with depression but I was in a bad place to start with no job or money and mum lived away and I lived with dad. This time I have a good job and money have moved back in with mum but dad passed away two years ago. I didn’t get depression when that happened because I had my partner. Now I’ve lost my dad and partner I just feel so sick lost and dunno what to do. I want to move on and find someone who has as much love as I have to give but I just miss her so much and everything we did together. Everything I have and wear we got together I just can’t get her out of my head.

All I want to do is msg her and try work it out but I know I need to give her space, but with the space im worried she will forget about me and move on.

Any advice would be great. Thanks!!

Broken heart for the best?

Rabbit33 — Mon, 07 Jan 2019 09:56:39 GMT

Hi Calv,

I'm so sorry to hear about your break-up. Unfortunately, this is a part of life and from every relationship we have, (Whether romantic or simply just friendship), there are good times and bad times. Maybe it is space that she needs, or maybe it is time for you guys to grow apart and start the next chapter of your life. I don't know but i do know that it's not easy and if you're finding this transition difficult, the best thing to do is to keep yourself distracted. Surround yourself with close friends as well as your Mum. If you're feeling really low or believe you may be suffering from depression, consult this with your GP and see what they suggest. A broken heart is always hard, but there are always better days ahead. Everything happens for a reason and you may not see it now, but there is always a silver lining.

When i broke up with my ex, i thought it was the end of the world. I was an absolute mess for weeks. Waking up in the middle of the night with tears already in my eyes, barely able to eat. We spent every day together, lived together, and then suddenly they were gone and out of my life. But as time went on, and days became weeks, and weeks became months. I started discovering new things about myself and was excited to get back out there.
3 years down the track, my ex and I, are now house-mates, we live together and we get along really well. (Occasionally we fight lol) but i never would have thought that there would be a time that i could live with them like this and be so content. But it's like the universe was telling us that we were probably only ever meant to be friends. So try not to see this all as a bad thing. These situations tend to make us grow and help us realise what we want in a relationship, what we want in a partner and also help us realise what we could have done differently.
I really do hope that you are okay. And please feel free to reach out. We are all here to support you.

Maybe have a read through some of the other threads as there are a few on here that may provide you with some comfort during this time.

Sending you positive vibes! 🙂

Broken heart for the best?

PoohBear2018 — Mon, 07 Jan 2019 10:33:43 GMT

Hi Calv,

I'm really sorry to hear about your break up. I can see it is affecting you a lot and you've been struggling quite a bit.

If you need to cry, let it be. You'll feel better after each cry. Have some sound at home. Like your favourite positive music or from the TV to musk out the silence which can be deafening. Talk to your friends and be close to your mum. You'll feel better when there is someone to listen to you or by your side. Write down your emotions if you'd like to. Walk outside even for a short time to get some fresh air although you may feel hiding under the sheets is all you want to do. Eat something. Drink something. Need to fill up energy and replenish tears. Speak to a counselor if you're comfortable with. Watch or read some online help on healing.

You're definitely not alone. I am also grieving at this time after knowing him for 8 years. But there are people who knows and loves me for who I really am.

Rabbit33, some people don't think you can be friends post break up. I probably can't too.

Broken heart for the best?

White_Rose — Mon, 07 Jan 2019 11:17:03 GMT

Dear Calv

Hello and welcome to the forum. Glad you found you way here. It's a place for you to talk about hurts and grief knowing it is a safe place. No one will harm you in any way.

The breakdown of a relationship is hard and causes much pain. I imagine most people writing here will have experienced a similar event though that does not mean everyone feels the same. As you say, it's the little things. I’m really missing the jokes and little hugs and just activities together. This is what makes a romance so wonderful and now it has gone. Even though I left my husband I still missed those things and found it hard for a while.

So what can you do? May I suggest you do not try to contact your GF. If she changes her mind she will contact you but in the meantime staying away will help both of you. I know it's easy for me to say accept what has happened but hard to do. You say you are working so much of your time is taken up with your job. That's a good thing as it will keep you grounded. Evenings and weekends are the hard part. Rabbit and PoohBear have offered you support and their experiences. It can be helpful to know how others have coped with a distressing event.

PoohBear has suggested some very practical options such as keeping hydrated. Drinking sufficient water does make a difference regardless of how silly it may sound. If your appetite has gone then don't worry too much. Eat what you can when you can. Keep drinking water.

We all have our preferred go-to actions when we are upset. Mine are listening to music or at least having the radio on in the background. I like silence but if I am upset in some way I find background music helps to sooth me. Having friends around is good, not just because it provides a distraction but because keeping your life as normal as possible will help. Enjoying someone's company really can help the hurt to heal and does not leave lots of time for you to brood.

My GP put me onto a great way to deal with this. Give yourself a specific amount of time, say half and hour, and sit down to think about your GF and all the issues about the break up. Set an alarm if it helps but only allow yourself this time. Once the time is up go and do something completely difference. I often suggest weeding the garden as both practical and a metaphorical way of dealing with your grief. As a bonus your mom will be impressed.

If writing here has helped please continue.

Mary

Broken heart for the best?

Rabbit33 — Mon, 07 Jan 2019 11:18:03 GMT

Hi Poohbear2018,
Some great tips! Totally agree with you.

Just to clear it up, my circumstances with my ex were just me speaking from my personal experience with my ex and kind of just saying that anything is possible.
You are very correct though, some people cannot remain friends with their ex's but i know plenty of people that have maintained a friendship and i think it is great. But for those who don't, that is also great because it allows them to grow and move on and find better things for themselves.
Either way, the future holds great things for us all. In these tough times of heart break, definitely surround yourself with loved ones and let it all out. But remember to be good to yourself! Try exercising as it releases endorphins and helps promote a healthy outlook. It's amazing what a run can do for our well-being!

Sending positive vibes to all 🙂

Broken heart for the best?

White_Rose — Mon, 07 Jan 2019 11:21:59 GMT

Dear PoohBear

I also offer you a warm welcome to the forum. So sorry to learn of your disappointment and loss. You seem to have worked out the best way for you to manage this situation. Congratulations. It's never easy even when you have these distractions in place. Perhaps you can try the suggestion I passed on to Calv about sitting once a day only for a limited time to consider what has happened.

I am also glad you have found your way here and feel ready to offer your experiences to others. Great stuff. I hope to see you around the forum.

Mary

Broken heart for the best?

PoohBear2018 — Mon, 07 Jan 2019 13:49:06 GMT

Hi Mary,

Thanks for the warm welcome and useful suggestions. At this point of time, I'm still struggling and the wound is still very raw.

What makes things harder is he is the closest person in this country and is the one who chose to cut off me off. My family and friends are based overseas. His departure has left me emotionally crippled.

Hence, I'm still trying to get better. Even if it's baby steps. Tomorrow I'm having my first counselling session.

Rabbit33, my issue with being friends post break up concerns how the new friendship is going to be. I know he will continue to be nasty to me as a because of his temper issue. He doesn't ask if I've recovered from my sickness. Real friends don't treat one another like that. I'm not a punching bag.

Broken heart for the best?

White_Rose — Mon, 07 Jan 2019 22:03:46 GMT

Hello PB

I'm glad you can see this man has been unkind to you. Sometimes people fail to see how the other partner has damaged them. I don't mean simply because of the hurt of parting, but the realisation that the other feels he must continue to hurt you for what seems like no reason. Often the person will do this out of guilt even if they do not realise this. So getting him out of your life is a step forward no matter how lost and alone you feel.

It must pretty hard to have no family around. Are there activities you enjoy which means joining a group? Book clubs, sports teams, lifesaving, volunteering at places such as animal refuges etc.

Mary

Broken heart for the best?

PoohBear2018 — Tue, 08 Jan 2019 00:50:39 GMT

Hi Mary,

Thanks for your kind words.

I don't think I'm in the right state of mind to be with groups of people for clouds of pain and grief is still with me.

I just finished my first session of counseling and now I'm standing at a corner crying as the world goes by.

I don't want to walk on the streets with tears rolling down my face again.

I love and care for him still. But I also don't want to be abused by him anymore.

Broken heart for the best?

towalkon — Wed, 09 Jan 2019 06:06:08 GMT

Hello all,

Even though you feel alone in your terrible sadness at this difficult time please remember that because you have had the courage to write your stories and to seek help, there are now others who have read your story and think of you and understand how deeply troubled and sad this time is for you.

I have a post under' Relationship breakdown after 3years and ghosted and still troubled after 3 months apart' Maybe you might find something in there that could help as well.

Broken heart for the best?

PoohBear2018 — Thu, 10 Jan 2019 10:55:06 GMT

Thank you Towalkon.

I'm still struggling....

Broken heart for the best?

Rabbit33 — Thu, 10 Jan 2019 19:07:02 GMT

Hi PoohBear2018,
Sorry, i was unaware of your situation and I now have a much better understanding. I apologise, and hope i wasn't coming across negative or rude towards you in anyway earlier.
Some ex's are to remain in the past, but only you will know that and you'll know when to make that decision.
You should listen to Ariana Grande's new song 'Thank you, next' . It's about ex's, lessons and very uplifting and encouraging!
Away from the current ex that i live with at the moment. I have another ex that I don't have any form of relationship with nor do we even keep in contact at all, as it ended badly.

If the person is toxic or damaging to your mental or physical health, then it is best to walk a way and move forward. No one deserves to be treated like a punching bag, this is the part i know all to well, my situation was from some family members though, but i know the hurt it creates.

If you still love him, as you said earlier, then i think For you to move forward, you may need to be at peace with it and with him. You don't have to forget, but the willingness to forgive so that you can move forward and be happy.

A few suggestions on how I would try approaching them;

- Maybe a controlled environment where you can both communicate without one or the other having a stronger position, that you can both be heard properly. Like Couples therapy or a close gf or bf to mediate?

- Write him a letter, wait a day or two, read it and see if you're still happy with it and then send it through to him.

It's a horrible feeling loving someone but knowing that they are no good for you. It's almost like You're damned if you do, damned if you don't.. But the reality is, time will heal things and you will be in a much happy position in the near future.
If you do decide couples counseling, it can be very eye opening and very emotional. You never know how you're going to feel walking out of there but you do know, that it is you taking the steps to be on the right path.
Perhaps someone close to you could come along just for emotional support?

Be good to yourself! Treat yourself with something special! You deserve it.
You're who is important here and you deserve to be treated kindly, with love, happiness, affection and should be lifted up by your partner, not taken for granted!
Don't let someone dim your shine! 🙂

I wish you all the best and hope that you are feeling somewhat better today.
Sending you strength and courage! 🙂

Broken heart for the best?

White_Rose — Fri, 11 Jan 2019 00:09:11 GMT

Hello PB

I think you are coming closer to an acceptance of the separation though not without tears and hurt. Perhaps groups are too much at the moment, but keep the idea in mind for when you start feeling stronger.

I suggest that couples therapy will not work unless you want to return to the partnership. If you don't you will be sending the wrong signals to him. Mediation is a good but does have to be done by an expert. Not sure what the situation is in your state. In Qld we have a free mediation service managed by trained personnel. I was having all sorts of trouble with the priest in my church and it was suggested by a mutual friend that we had a mediation managed by this friend. It was a disaster because the friend actually thought I was in the wrong anyway and made no attempt to stop the priest bullying me. Friends and family are biased because they friends and family. Mediation needs an unbiased facilitator.

Actually I would walk away from this situation. I don't usually say this kind of thing because what I would do and what you would do are not necessarily the same and it is your decision. I have walked away from two situations. My husband of 30 years because I finally found the courage to go and another person who was charged and convicted with fraud and forgery. I hasten to add the fraud was passing himself off as an expert until his employer found out. My involvement was a side issue but very distressing.

Forgiveness is a strange beast. I know many people see it as letting the other person off the hook and continuing your life as though nothing has happened. In reality forgiveness is part of accepting the situation has taken place, accepting it has caused you harm then moving forward. It's not saying to the person I don't mind the harm or I will accept it, because that is unreasonable. You are only required to accept there has been abuse, because that is an historical fact, and that you are walking away to become healed in the future.

It does help if you know why he did this but not necessary. It can help to have a context . My husband and his siblings, were abused by their mother and my ex was never going to allow anyone to have any kind of power over him. Any disagreements were seen as control and the situation got worse the longer I stayed because I was allowing it to happen. I left 18 years ago and It has taken me at least ten years to start healing, lots of depression and even guilt.

Don't know if that helps but I hope so.

Mary

Broken heart for the best?

PoohBear2018 — Sat, 12 Jan 2019 12:41:12 GMT

Dear Rabbit33 and Mary,

Thank you very much to both of you for your kind advice and sharing your experiences with me and others. Much appreciated.

I still love and care heaps for him despite what happened. Sometimes I wish those affections would just end at this minute so I don't have to grieve and be hurting anymore. Unfortunately, it is not the case and I know it is going to take a while to heal for those long 8 years of connection. I understand that this is a "normal" process.

I am very hurt by him. Not only he broke my heart, he broke me. I was once a strong, cherry and independent person. Now I'm reserved and keep to myself.

I keep telling myself that I should not be blamed for what happened although I enabled his temper and abusive side all these years. He doesn't see how that is affecting me. I feel unloved and unappreciated by him. And I forgive him each time, hoping that he would learn from his bad behavior. But he didn't or has yet to change himself. Couple counseling was suggested by me. But he refused. "Do you know how much it is going to cost?" he asked.

I'm trying to find peace within my grief by understanding why I'm so down. Afterall, it is only a man, as a friend said. Watching my closest and best friend becoming a stranger to me. His cruel attitude and behavior towards me as I stood in front of him crying and shaking in fear. Trying not to remember those words of abuse, "you stupid b*tch," "go to hell," "hope you get HIV," "make yourself useful," and etc. that affected me. Do I deserve them after all the years of love, care and support given to him wholeheartedly? No. Did he love me or I'm just fitting his void?" If it is the former, he wouldn't be giving me crap.

I'm slowly picking up the pieces he shattered. I'm trying to learn to walk away from someone I love so much and he hurting me so much as well. He was given heaps of chances but he is too selfish to see them. He thinks I cheated on him but I didn't. His insecurities tell him otherwise. His friends are giving him ideas on what a disgruntled ex would do. I can't fight those rubbish even if I want to defend my honor. I showed him my world only to be destroyed by him.

Eventually I will be ok. I will stop crying every day. I don't have to suffer anymore.

P.S. I heard the song by Ariana Grande.