topic My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together in Relationship and family issues

My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

Leth — Sun, 03 Jun 2018 00:24:57 GMT

I was referred to the beyondblue website to read a thread about a mum and her pain that she was going through after her son had gone to jail. It's crazy, because when I was reading it, I could very much see the same pain my mother is currently feeling.

I needed to come here and put out how I'm feeling about the whole situation as well, from an older brothers point of view, but to be honest, I don't even know where to start.

My brother, with the biggest warmest heart, with physical and mental heath issues, developed an ice addiction, he neglected his health and in the last year, my mum and I have done nothing but tried our damn hardest to help him, both professionally, personally, financially, the whole lot.

He got himself into a fair bit of trouble about a year ago, and in lead up to his sentence, his smoking of ice increased, as did his lies, and everything was spiralling out of control for him and everyone around him. I left my well payed job to be more closer to my mum and brother in need.

The whole process has been so stressful, and it's been so hard to now see my brother get taken away. He's such a vulnerable person, a "gentle giant", who without pointing the figure, influenced to trying ice, became hooked and majorly lost his way. His bedroom became his haven, he never left it, and my poor mother who became so submissive to his behaviour, did her best to care for him while he was in the darkest time in his life.

I'm feeling fragile.

I'm finding myself withdrawing. Having a hard time sleeping, and when I do, I instantly wake up with a cracking head ache. I start crying at unpredictable times, I've somewhat distanced myself from my boyfriend, I have my mum staying with me until she's going to be ok living alone.

My brother has left behind some financial stress, and I'm left to now collect the pieces, to cancel his accounts, and to work out a ways to pay back all these "Afterpay" type transactions he's made over the last several months on top if fine reminders in the mail.

The whole thing is just hard, but there's that glimmer that this is perhaps that divine intervention that he's needed, as nothing I or my mum did worked.

I've been seeing an amazing psychologist for since this all began about a year ago, my GP has suggested I get on anti depressants which I'm almost contemplating.

Are there any other siblings out there who's maybe been in my shoes who might be able to give me some advice? I'd appreciate it immensely.

My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

Croix — Sun, 03 Jun 2018 11:15:57 GMT

Dear Leth~

I'm afraid both you and your mum will have had a terrible time and although you have tried your very hardest an ICE addiction simply is not responsive to care, love, common sense or hard work. The brother you love was consumed by that addiction. While I would like to say he will re-emerge it is by no means certain. It depends on may factors including facilities in prison and professional support on discharge.

Now is the time to rebuild your life, and I guess as far as possible help your mum rebuild hers too. You are a caring and sensitive person and have used yourself and your resources up. When we love somebody we tend to regard ourselves as bottomless wells of strength and support. Sadly this is not true as you are finding out.

I'm glad you are seeing that psychologist and your GP. If medication is suggested it might be worth considering, at least for a while. Headaches, no sleep, crying and distancing yourself are all signs you have pushed yourself too hard.

Is it possible to get back on good terms with you boyfriend? Now is the time when you need support and being with someone who loves you helps do this.

I'd question trying to be responsible for all your brother's debts, even if you feel you should. I would guess many fines can be shelved and taken out of Centerlink payments later on. Leaving your job would have placed you in a difficult situation and you have to survive, and maybe help your mum until you can get another job.

Hopefully your mum will not have gone guarantor on anything.

I do not know you brother's situation however have you investigated the possibility of prisoner drug rehabilitation and what happens when he is discharged? If he is not too far away it may be possible to visit him, something that may well be very welcome. Our 24/7 Help Line (1300 22 4636) may be able to steer you towards prisoner and their families support organizations in your area.

Although you may think it selfish please put yourself first now before your brother. That particular support phase is over. You need to be well for the long term for yourself, your mum, boyfriend and your brother. If dealing with anything relating to him or going for a visit is too hard on you please shelve it, at least for now.

You are welcome here, and of course in that other thread, whenever you would like

I presume the thread you mentioned was:

Forums / Long term support over the journey / Sadness,grief and regret over sons incarceration

(There are others).

Croix

My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

Cindy_looloo — Sun, 03 Jun 2018 11:22:54 GMT

Hi Leth

my younger brother went to jail twice, he abused alcohol and other drugs when he wasn’t under the influence he wouldn’t hurt a fly, was kind and put others first etc. the substances change people, it gets a hold of them and they don’t hear anything even what family say, we tried to get help over the years sometimes it would work but only for short periods, when he went to jail we visited regularly, they need to be given hope, it’s the only thing that gets through as hard as it was for us, we still got to talk about it afterwards. We had to accept who he was and set boundaries ie Keep your substance use until after we have had the family function, didn’t always work though

as for the fines, it’s no good you taking them on - your brother can let the Prison know he has fines outside, they contact SDRO and put them all together, this includes Afterpay , as easy as it is to just pay it, you need to take a step back and not to own that part

My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

Leth — Mon, 04 Jun 2018 01:58:14 GMT

Thank you so much for the detailed response Croix and Cindy Ooooooh, it's very comforting know that someone has heard me.

Today is a new day, my mum has gone back home to face the fact that she's still got things to do around her home, and surrounding areas like grocery shopping, seeing friends etc, which is positive.

My partner has been a tremendous support, but my distance is driven by shame I think, embarassment as well? And I almost can't believe that my partner would even want to be around me knowing what has happened, I fear that he might have gotten put off from me, but I know it's not the case.

Im really worried about my brother ultimately, I'm scared that due to be sever social anxiety and his strong attachment he had with my mum, that he's going to have difficulties accepting what is happening to him, and what he has done.

I know that prior to this, both my mum and I would "jump" at any time he showed distress, anxiety, fear, and I know now he's going to still need that sort of comfort/validation, but he's not going to get it, and eventually he's going to have to learn to essentially grow up in there. Will this make him better? Or will it make him worse?

As for his repayments and fines, I don't know where to get advice on freezing his debts, and I'm worried that neglecting them is only going to further get him into trouble.

I know I have to let it go, but the fresh reality of it all is so debilitating and makes my mind overthink nonstop, and I'm feeling extremely depressed by it all.

My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

Guest_7403 — Mon, 04 Jun 2018 03:03:56 GMT

Once hes been sentenced he can have his sheriff warrants (fines) called in, and can have them added to his sentence.

I believe it's like $300 per day in prison. It's the best way to clear them

I work in a prison if you need information on what to do

My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

Leth — Mon, 04 Jun 2018 05:45:55 GMT

That would be a tremendous help if you could provide me with more information?

My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

Doolhof — Mon, 04 Jun 2018 07:54:10 GMT

Hi Leth,

I don't have any information to add, only a caring heart and a listening ear. If you have been reading the thread by July about her son, you may recognise I have popped up on that thread a few times for support.

You have received some great, caring replies here. It sounds like The borderline may be able to provide you with more advice. People here are very obliging with their time and care for others.

Hoping your family find all the help and advice they need right now. Best wishes from Dools

My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

Leth — Mon, 04 Jun 2018 08:00:03 GMT

Thank you Doolhof, yes, I have read the thread by July.

Its still very fresh, and I have moments where I'm in disbelief, and then I get a bit of reality and that's when my anxiety really spikes.

Ive read an interesting article on "how to prepare for jail" online, and I really wish I could somehow pass on that information to my brother. It's very useful information and I feel it might help him.

As much as I'm trying to move forward, I'm feeling extremely stuck for him, and it's really hard to accept it, but I know that's the only answer.

My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

Guest_7403 — Mon, 04 Jun 2018 09:13:13 GMT

Warrants cant be called in until a final sentence has been given, prisoners can apply for them via a form (available from there unit staff).

They can also speak to the "offender services" team within the fail.

I have seen people with $30k citylink tell fines spend time clearing them.

If you need info on anything inside the prison and how it works let me know

My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

Guest_7403 — Mon, 04 Jun 2018 11:35:39 GMT

Sorry I did include a link but they removed it from my post.

Try googling "calling in warrants" or "using warrants to pay fines during prison sentence" etc

Otherwise tell him to talk to his case load manager or offender services.

Let me know if you need answers about prisons

My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

Leth — Mon, 04 Jun 2018 11:37:23 GMT

Thank you for giving me that information. You're being a great help, thank you.

Is it something that he can apply for in the near future?

And what do I do with any unknown fines that may present themselves? Do I advise them of my brother's incarceration?

My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

Guest_7403 — Mon, 04 Jun 2018 12:04:46 GMT

He can apply inside the jail once all his court related matters are resolved (eg. Hes sentenced with no further charges pending)

Once that happens he calls in his sheriff warrants and they send him a list of all fines he has outstanding and hes given options on how to pay, money or serving more time.

The offender services team will contact centralink and other places on his behalf.

Is her currently on remand at mrc? Or is he sentenced already?

My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

Leth — Mon, 04 Jun 2018 12:10:11 GMT

Currently at MAP waiting to be assigned to a prison to serve his time...

My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

Guest_7403 — Mon, 04 Jun 2018 12:18:08 GMT

Right....so he'll either head to mrc if he is on remand or he'll go to a sentenced prison.

A ratings go to barwin or port philip

B to marngoneet, lodden and Fulham or ravenhall

C to durringle or beechworth

My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

Leth — Tue, 05 Jun 2018 01:31:51 GMT

Thank you for all your help and information Theborderline, would it be ok to ask you more questions if I need to?

I can't thank you all for your support and information, it's been so helpful and reassuring.

My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

Guest_7403 — Tue, 05 Jun 2018 02:38:27 GMT

Sure anytime, make sure he adds you to his visitors list so you can drop off clothes and money

My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

Leth — Tue, 05 Jun 2018 03:39:27 GMT

Yes, we have made those arrangements already. Would we need to resubmit that information after he has been moved from MAP?

My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

Guest_7403 — Tue, 05 Jun 2018 05:02:07 GMT

No, his phone numbers, visits list and finance all follow him. As does his valuables and property.

It's a good idea to get him to despatch his valuables out to you so they're not in storage.

Also if he is wearing nice runners tell him to have them stored in his property, or they will be "taken from him" by the other prisoners.

He can only have $140 dropped in each calendar month, but he can work to earn more cash inside a well

Check the prison he goes to website for what property you can drop off, as it varies at each jail

My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

Doolhof — Tue, 05 Jun 2018 06:59:34 GMT

Hi Leth,

My heart goes out to you and the family. There must be so much you are dealing with at the moment.

Hopefully as a family, you can all openly talk about how you are feeling and if required find services and counselling to help yourselves through all of this.

I had a neighbour whose husband went to jail. I invited female neighbours all over for afternoon tea, she was surprised I had invited her as well. I told her that her husband had done nothing wrong towards me, he made a mistake, so why punish her at all?

No doubt you have been receiving different reactions from people when they learn your news. Hopefully you are all holding up okay.

Hi Theborderline,

I am so very pleased you are able to help Leth with these enquiries. On behalf of everyone who needs help now and then, I thank you very much.

It is very admirable of you to offer advice and suggestions.

Cheers to you both from Dools

My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

Leth — Sat, 16 Jun 2018 13:56:32 GMT

Hi again Theborderline,

My brother has been moved to a remote jail in Victoria from MAP.

The jail is a much larger scale than where he was at MAP, and after one day of being moved, he's facing incredible social anxiety as he's expressed over the phone with me.

I understand it'll take time for him to get used to his new surroundings.

It's of a much lower security standard, and has the option to be outside of lockdown for much longer than he was at MAP.

are you able to elaborate more on the overall structure he'll have to face at the new jail?

Treatment by the guards and inmates? And what should be do if he's struggling socially?

Any advise would be a great help in alleviating my anxieties as all this seems so foreign to get my head around.