topic Really questioning whether I made the right decision. :( in Relationship and family issues

Really questioning whether I made the right decision. :(

LSmith94 — Sun, 04 Nov 2018 13:08:15 GMT

Hey everyone!

I live with anxiety and depression, and I've made some big decisions in my life over the past year and now I'm not sure if they were the right ones.

I'm 25 and I've been with my BF for around 4 years. My family has never approved of my relationship, mainly for cultural reasons, but despite their objections and the hard times he's gone through trying to win them over, he and I have stayed together. We've also experienced tough times on his side of the family, but that's more related to issues they have. Anyway, last year I made the decision to move in with my BF... which obviously didn't go down well with my family at all. It actually put me in a really bad place with my parents for a while, but we've repaired our relationship, which is great, however we still don't speak about my BF and they have no intention on having a relationship with him.

Now here's where the problem is, I know I really hurt my family when I decided to just do what I wanted to, and I know it's taken a lot to repair our relationship. However, I'm starting to wonder whether I made the right decision by moving out. I just find my BF and I fighting more often at the moment, and I don't know whether it's a rough patch, or a sign that this isn't right anymore. I also find myself liking to be alone a lot of the time. For example, I used to hate that he'd come home from work, then go to the gym and we'd only get an hour or two together, but now I actually enjoy being by myself most of the night. We've had a great relationship the last 3.5 years, but the last 6 months especially have had some major lows. I find myself increasingly getting annoyed at small things he does and I find mysslf increasingly missing living with my family. At this point, I don't know if I just haven't moved back home yet because I still love him and want to work on this/think it's a rough patch, or if I'm just here because I like the independence of living out of home.

Really questioning whether I made the right decision. :(

geoff — Sun, 04 Nov 2018 15:30:05 GMT

Hello LSmith, and can I welcome you to the BB forums.

The situation you are now in seems to indicate that need time to step away from it all and have that space to yourself.

You've moved in with your boyfriend and had a 3.5 year relationship, but the last few months have been tough deciding that living together with someone you love isn't working out how you had hoped it would be and making the choice that you want to be alone.

Living with someone does test out whether that's the person you want to be with, but now all you want is to be alone, that doesn't mean you don't love him, but at this time don't feel comfortable being in the same house 24/7.

If are able to move back in with your parents maybe better, but they will have restrictions which could become a problem for you, so are you able to afford to live by yourself and there are ways that can help you do this, so please let us know.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

Really questioning whether I made the right decision. :(

therising — Sun, 04 Nov 2018 20:25:02 GMT

Hi LSmith94

I must say, you are an incredibly courageous and strong person to have challenged cultural expectations as well as family expectations. To be living with anxiety and depression indicates that the challenges you face in life are also deep internal ones, on top of all the external pressure. Again, you are incredibly courageous and strong.

Perhaps, instead of asking yourself 'What do I want to do?', try asking 'Who do I want to be?' Perhaps your responses may look a little like this:

I want to be someone who is

Independent
Adventurous (adding new ventures to life)/Experimental
Excited
Evolving
Mentally, physically and energetically well
Confident

etc etc.

I have been with my husband for over 2 decades now and I personally find that when the relationship feels lacking it is due to us not seeking adventure, experiencing excitement and feeling a sense of evolution (aka positive change). Of course, our mental/physical/energetic health will have some influence over our confidence or the belief in our ability to manage these things. The adventure, excitement and evolution factors are also things we must seek independently, for our self, within any relationship. I have learned over time that when I am looking to the relationship to satisfy me, it indicates that I should also be looking for a sense of general overall satisfaction in life, within myself. For me, the red flags go up when I start getting irritated by the little things my husband does (which bug me). When I am not happy within myself, these things come into greater focus.

With your partner having his own time (the gym), do you have something like this in the way of mental, physical and/or energetic well-being and self-development? I find a relationship works best as a bit of an 'ebb and flow' thing; we go out independently and return, reconnecting. We grow independently and mutually (within any relationship). You've discovered this process for yourself, with your family - you grow in your own space and return to their space to visit/reconnect.

This definitely sounds like another challenging time of growth for you personally. With such a time there will definitely be a lot of questions, especially in the way of direction. The greater the soulful desire for evolution, the greater the challenges will appear to be. On such a journey, I believe there always remains one significant question 'Who do I want to be?'

Take care of yourself LSmith94 on the quest to know your most authentic self

Really questioning whether I made the right decision. :(

LSmith94 — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 21:03:00 GMT

Hey Geoff,

Thank you for your reply!

I agree that I feel like we need a break. I'm still studying at the moment so living on my own isn't something I can currently afford. I could move back in with my parents for a while, but I think that considering they're not too keen on me being with my BF in the first place, it may be problematic in the long run. They're quite traditional, and don't really believe in the concept of taking a break, so if I was to take a break and then decided to move back in with my BF later, it would probably put them in more of a bad place regarding my relationship than they currently are.

Really questioning whether I made the right decision. :(

LSmith94 — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 21:16:25 GMT

Hey therising, thank you for your reply!

I feel like when I currently ask myself who I want to be and what I want my future to be like, I'm just not sure if I picture myself with my BF. There was a time when he brought out the best in me, but I just don't know if he does that anymore, and sometimes I feel like I'd be a better person without him (as horrible as that is to say).

I'm still studying and I also do a lot of arts and crafts as a hobby, so I have both of those as 'my time' things. I will say though that my BF and I used to fight a lot less before he started going to the gym, so that little bit extra time apart seems to have driven a bit of a wedge between us, and I think I can explain why. Living with my parents, I had responsibilities around the house, but so did my parents, however since moving in with my BF, I feel like I have the majority of the responsibilities. I think I'm starting to resent that he has a lot more free time than I do to go to the gym, or go out, or sit around playing PlayStation, whereas I need to schedule everything to be able to find time to do household stuff, plus study, plus have any sort of time to myself (and the latter doesn't happen anywhere close to as much as it does for him). So I think that's adding to my stress and agitation, and probably flares up a lot of arguments.

Really questioning whether I made the right decision. :(

geoff — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 21:49:45 GMT

Hi LSmith, thanks for getting back to me and this is one of the restrictions I had thought of.

If you move back home then are your parents normally willing to change their ideas or even happy to change the colour of the paint inside, for example, if they want to redecorate, as I'm just thinking if you do move back in with them, they may decide to give you a bit of leverage.

Circumstances may change for your own benefit, I certainly hope so please get back to me.

Take care.

Geoff.

Really questioning whether I made the right decision. :(

White_Rose — Tue, 06 Nov 2018 22:00:19 GMT

Hello LSmith

Thanks for telling us your story. I can appreciate how difficult it can be wanting to be with someone your family do not approve of. It may be cultural reasons or simply because they dislike or distrust him. Whatever the reason you are the person who knows that you want to be with him.

How long have you lived with your BF? All live-in relationships need time to settle down and adjust to the new way of living. I know you have been living together for about a year(?). The honeymoon period is over.

Therising has made many excellent points including WHO do you want to be. Partners lead different lives to each other which is a healthy way. The trouble is when there is too much difference and you do not enjoy activities together. I see you are an arty-crafty person, same as me. You are also studying and I wonder how much time you spend away from your home. I love my hobbies at home but I know if I am at home almost exclusively I start to go down and I live alone.

I understand about the desire to have your own time, we all need this. May I suggest you discuss this with your partner. Think about what you would like, how you see this partnership, what can you do together. Above all, who do you want to be.

You have said moving back home will be difficult and I absolutely agree with you. You have left and everything has moved on, including your family relationship. I think you may have problems settling in again. If you did this would you continue seeing your partner? I suspect it would be even more difficult. I have found that trying to go back to a certain time of life never works. It may for you or others but it is hard.

Write a timetable of what you do everyday. Look at where there are gaps. Compare it to your partner's activities. How can you have time together either at home and just be together or going out for simple activities like walking and other activities. Ask your partner to sit down and talk about this. I think you need to give him time to think who he wants to be. So perhaps have a chat and flag what you want to say and arrange to talk again when he has collected his thoughts.

Your decision to live together was made by both of you. Decisions for the future also need to be made together. You will need to say how you feel but try to be factual and not demanding. I hope it works out well.

Mary

Really questioning whether I made the right decision. :(

Chickenhead — Wed, 07 Nov 2018 19:53:07 GMT

Hi LSmith,

Ive personally found that the cultural difference between how my husband was raised verse how I was runs a lot deeper than I ever expected. I had weekend chores as well as expectations during the week as to contributions, i.e. Dishes, cooking, taking bins out etc. My weekend was first and foremost about doing my chores, then study, then church commitments. If I had time left over, then social commitments would get a look in.

My husband was primarily left to his own devices. He didn't have chores, he didn't study, he was left to wander the neighbourhood as he saw fit.

Its not that he doesn't feel the need to contribute around the house, but his sense of priority and timeliness has been a never ending struggle for us, and half the time it's my expectation which is the problem. You mention you need to schedule everything to fit in study, household chores and free time, whereas he doesn't. Have you considered that you are prioritising household chores too highly? It's taken a long time for me to grapple with this concept, but if it doesn't get done, does it matter?

Also, if it doesn't get done, would he step up and do it?

My parents ran a tight ship, with 4 children and their own business, they had too. But that model does not work in my relationship with my husband. It's quite a shift to make but it is possible.

I guess the question I'm asking you is, is his expectation the same as yours when it comes to the state of the house and what/when chores need to be done in order for the house to run efficiently? And are your priorities aligned with regards to chores verse other endeavours? It is definitely worth the conversation.

Chickenhead

Really questioning whether I made the right decision. :(

LSmith94 — Tue, 27 Nov 2018 14:42:14 GMT

Hi Geoff, Mary and Chickenhead!

Sorry for the late reply... I’ve just been sitting uni exams. 🙂

My BF & I have been living together for 1.5 years, so I understand that the honeymoon period is over. However it bothers me that the number of fights we have has increased. We used to once or twice a year when we started dating, but since we’ve moved in together, it’s gradually increased to being at least almost every two weeks, or potentially several times a week.

We have around 2 hours we can spend together each night & usually we do spend the time together. But it bothers me sometimes that that 2 hours is spare time for him after he’s done everything he wants to do, whereas that 2 hours for me includes me doing things just for myself. He gets to spend the rest of the night at the gym, working on hobbies, watching YouTube or playing PS4, whilst I’m spending that time doing things for him or for the house or for work/uni, and sometimes I feel unappreciated.

Chickenhead, I’m in the same boat as you! In terms of chores, we were definitely raised very differently. My family did a lot for me so I could focus on studying, because that was their priority for me, but they still made sure I had responsibilities and that I was able to do things for myself. My BF seems to have had most things done for him & he never had to learn how to do a lot of things. For example, I’m a lot better with tools and fixing things than he is.

I don’t think I prioritise all chores too highly. If I can push something (e.g. ironing or mopping or re-organising a cupboard) until later because I have more important things to do regarding work/uni, I’ll do it, but I also like order and organisation around the house... Partly because it helps me reduce my anxiety levels. But some of the chores that definitely have priority are cooking, and making sure we have clean, ironed clothes. Unfortunately if I didn’t do those things, they wouldn’t get done. My BF doesn’t know how to cook, or do laundry/iron. He definitely knows they’re a priority to get done though.

I guess my basic expectation is that if I’m making sure the important things are done, I don’t want him adding to my list of chores... e.g. leaving his clothes/shoes all over the house, leaving dishes in the sink instead of washing them etc. And we’ve spoken about those things, and he may do it once or twice, but sooner or later he goes back to his old habits, and then if I bring it up again, it potentially ends in a fight.

Really questioning whether I made the right decision. :(

geoff — Tue, 27 Nov 2018 17:30:06 GMT

Hello LSmith, I hope your exams went well for you and please let us know if you want to.

Once 2 people in a friendship start living together the relationship can change, whether it's only slightly as the 2 of you get used to each other or maybe it's where you start arguing, but it should be a 50/50 and when one of you isn't well then the other needs to pick up and carry the load until they get better.

If he has been holding back the same activities every day, but now doing exactly the same as he wants to, then you have to decide whether you want to let go and move on.

Love is such a strange word, so what does it mean, well everyone has a different interpretation, it means affection, contact, caring, intimacy and many other factors, we all have different meanings to the word, but when someone isn't helping out or sharing the load and it's been spoken about before and has now returned to that behaviour, a relationship is going to be very difficult to survive.

I don't know about the circumstances where you are living but perhaps you could let us know if you want to.

Take care.

Geoff.

Really questioning whether I made the right decision. :(

LSmith94 — Thu, 10 Jan 2019 08:26:14 GMT

Hi everyone! It's been a while since I replied on this thread (sorry Geoff, I just realised I never replied to your last post!).

I passed all my uni exams and finished my degree. 😄

A lot has happened over the Christmas break! My family welcomed by BF to Christmas dinner (and to everything ever since). It's like there was never any problems whatsoever. So everyone gets along great now... and that's been a massive relief for me and also has made me really happy.

However, I'm still having some serious concerns about my relationship with my BF. I'm still not sure I'm making the right decision in being with him (and obviously seeing as I've been having this feeling for months now, it's really starting to make me worry). I don't know if he makes me happy more than he makes me feel negative emotions, I don't think I'm as strongly sexually attracted to him anymore, and I don't know if we share the same goals for the future anymore, or if I even want him there when I'm achieving my goals. I find myself wanting more and more time away from him, and in all honesty, I'd rather spend that time with my family. I feel completely taken for granted and underappreciated a lot of the time. And I find myself contemplating leaving him more and more.

What always confuses me though is that I feel a lot of these things at a time when we're fighting having problems (the time when most of us are irrational and over-thinking things), and then when I calm down and look back on it, especially during a good period in our relationship, it doesn't seem as bad. I don't know if I'm just overreacting and overthinking at the time, or whether I'm just downplaying it all later.

Really questioning whether I made the right decision. :(

geoff — Thu, 10 Jan 2019 18:45:52 GMT

Hi LSmith, thanks for getting back to us and you don't have to worry about not replying earlier.

I'm sure that you're pleased to have finished your exams and congratulations on passing.

What you have told us is that I do think you want to part your ways but when you aren't arguing you want to still be friends and not leave on bad terms.

Your comments about leaving are much much stronger as you feel completely taken for granted and underappreciated, and I can't say whether or not to stay or leave him, but I do think you have made up your mind.

You're still young and you need to be happy, sure all relationships have their ups and downs and in my 25 year marriage there were times when I wished we would separate, but to counter-balance this, both of us still shared our duties and covered for each other when one was not available.

Couple counselling maybe helpful if either or both of you have lost touch with each other and want to find out if the relationship will stay together or whether you decide to go your own way.

Please take care.

Geoff.

Really questioning whether I made the right decision. :(

therising — Thu, 10 Jan 2019 20:05:18 GMT

Hi LSmith94

Congratulations on passing all your exams and finishing your degree, an amazing achievement in life!

When it comes to dealing with the climate of a relationship (as well as room temp) - years ago when my husband and I 1st started living together, he'd insist on having the central heating turned way up in winter. We'd get around in shorts and singlet tops. I seriously hate the heat by the way. I mentioned to him how much I was suffering but he'd insist on how much he loved the indoor temp. Grrr, cue resentment! Eventually, I told him that if we couldn't find a mutually comfortable temperature, I'd have to leave. We found it and were both content. He adjusted by wearing track pants and a t-shirt, whilst I finally stopped perspiring throughout winter.

Compromise is definitely key when it comes to a mutually comfortable environment. Adjusting to each other's needs is important. There has to be more than just one of you adjusting.

My advice, if you're seriously uncomfortable in your environment at home and your partner's not willing to reach reasonable compromises, then it may be time to give greater consideration to your own personal comfort. Reasonable compromises can translate to 'Reasonable common promises', where the 2 of you commit to making promises to each other in the way of mutual growth. If he's making a promise to himself that he's never going to change or doesn't really need to, this is what you're both facing.

Taking it a step further: Wedding vows, for example, are full of expressions of common promises - 'For richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health...' There is a mutual exchange in the way of recognising the need for negotiating life's challenges and good times together. Vows are always exchanged, they are never spoken by just one member of a couple.

Take care LSmith94

Really questioning whether I made the right decision. :(

LSmith94 — Fri, 11 Jan 2019 11:49:42 GMT

I think I’ve made up my mind, I think I’m pretty certain that this relationship no longer brings me happiness and that I don’t see us heading in the same direction in the future. I think, for whatever reason, moving in together has made us become two very different people. I think he’s different in the sense that he’s lost a lot of appreciation towards me and he’s also no longer very rational or understanding when it comes to many issues. And I think I’ve changed in the sense that I no longer let things slide as much as I did before, and seeing more of his behaviour repeat itself week in week out has also made me exhausted and been a real eye opener.

I don’t know how to end it though. I don’t know how to bring it up, or what to say, or when to say it.

I feel very conflicted as well. My BF is actually here on a partner visa, so if I break up with him, there’s a strong chance he’ll have to go back home, and as upset as I am with him a lot of the time now, I don’t want him to have to go back to where he came from. He doesn’t have any family he talks to there, and he’s been away from there for a very long time, so going back would be a very hard thing to do. It’d be hard for him to get a job to support himself for one thing. And he spent a lot of money on the visa, which will all go down the drain if we break up.

I also feel a bit guilty as I know my BF is unable to do many things - cooking, ironing, he doesn’t have a car to buy groceries etc. I do care about him a lot, and I just don’t know how he’ll get by on his own.

The both of us don’t really have any friends either. I’m lucky that at least I have my family for support, but if we break up, he’ll have nobody at all, and that’s another big concern I have. I’d probably feel a bit less worried if I knew there was someone that could take him grocery shopping, or someone to cook for him etc.

This is such a horrible feeling.

Really questioning whether I made the right decision. :(

therising — Fri, 11 Jan 2019 20:28:54 GMT

Hi LSmith94

It's understandable how this can all seem like one complex situation yet, from what you say, it appears to be comprised of many individual issues such as:

Staying in the country (VISA)
Emotional support
Relationship issues
Daily living responsibilities

From what you say, you sound like you've been shouldering a lot of the responsibility in regard to the above. Even as far as the partner VISA is concerned, you've been requesting in a variety of ways, over a period of time, that he contribute toward making the relationship more of a partnership (by sharing the responsibility). Keeping the VISA valid does come with great responsibility on his part, besides form filling and paying VISA fees.

In regard to addressing the relationship: Making statements such as 'You haven't been contributing much' can be seen as being accusatory and can be met with an understandably defensive response. Asking questions of our partner can be key to having them see things thoughtfully, from a different perspective. Perhaps you can think of questions to ask your partner, such as:

Can you see us continuing to live this way, arguing fairly regularly, without the promise of resolution?
In what ways do you feel responsible when it comes to contributing to the running of the household?
What are the goals you see us having together in the future?
Do you think us drifting apart doesn't produce a sense of separation? How separate do you want us to be?

These are just some of the questions that require him to honestly assess the relationship. His response will provide a cue for you to either end the relationship or proceed with it. Basically, you're putting the ball in his court, so to speak. For example: If he says 'Look, I really don't want to talk about it!' That can be your cue to say something like 'I just can't live with a one-sided relationship, in regard to little thought and communication'. If the questions you ask prompt him to become more conscious and genuinely begin making greater effort, it may unexpectedly revitalise things. If the outcome involves you splitting up, he needs to be able to take responsibility for his part in that. He also needs to take responsibility for anything that happens after that (in regard to how he'll stay in the country and how he'll feed himself, for example).

Take care LSmith94

Really questioning whether I made the right decision. :(

geoff — Sat, 12 Jan 2019 00:35:46 GMT

Hi LSmith, thanks so much for getting back to us.

When two people decide to live together after they have had time going out with each other, certainly does change circumstances.

You get to know exactly what he/she does being 24/7 but you have to look after yourself first and foremost, if you keep having to worry about what someone else needs to do and forget about 'you', then you won't be able to move forward.

The main point for you to move forward, is not to stay in a relationship, just so it helps your partner out, that's what he has to sort out himself, you have to consider yourself first, and if you have made up your mind already, then ask him to move out, this is for your own well being.

Your number one here.

Take care.

Geoff.