topic Office fling is tearing me apart in Relationship and family issues

Office fling is tearing me apart

itsagamble — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 23:55:51 GMT

Long story short, I am married but was going through a down patch feeling lonely at home with all the attention on the kids etc. Sex life dried up and also a bit depressed about work, except that I had a crush on a girl at work and seeing her every day was my inspiration. She was a divorcee also in a long term relationship with a boyfriend of about 4 or so years. We were quite close and when she announced she was leaving, she became very flirty for the last few weeks. On her last day, we got drunk and ended up having sex, stopping part way through. The first few weeks after that was hell. I was so confused, crying all the time and shutting out my wife (who doesn't know). We ended up catching up with intention to talk it over but never did, just talked general chit chat, until a few weeks later, when she said she didn't want it to get out as her previous husband had left her for another woman after a long term affair. It seemed like she was more worried about repercussions than not wanting anything, but we agreed that it was a drunk fling and basically it didn't happen. This was months ago but I still have that crush. We see each other every now and then for drinks, only as friends, but she doesn't know how I feel and I don't want to stop seeing her - its the only thing that makes me happy apart from my kids. I literally think about her all day, every day. Have tried being intimate with my wife to get over it but she is always tired and never initiates anything. We're only in our mid 30s but averaging less than once a month for intimacy. I have tried to tell OW how I feel to see what she says, but I can't muster up the courage and then feel like crap again for days until I get a chance to see her. All has been friendly with OW, no intimacy , until the other day when we were flirty a bit and she blew me a kiss (after I joked about not kissing her and smudging her lipstick) then affectionately rubbed my arm when she said goodbye. That touch felt amazing. I am so confused and don't know what to do. On one hand, I want to be with her, but on the other I don't want to break up my family. Also, if I do split and OW doesn't want to join me, I would feel worse. My best guess at the moment is to get financially sorted so worst case I can afford a divorce and OW if she wants to, tell my wife and see if she forgives me. I think I would try pretty hard not to make the same mistake again. Should I just ask her if she likes me and if not bury it all? This sucks.

Office fling is tearing me apart

Croix — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 10:28:01 GMT

Dear Itsagamble~

Welcome here, if you have a look around you will find your situation happens quite often. It can be a very confusing and unhappy time.

In fact from what you've said it was an unhappy time that started this, felling your home life was not what it should be, feeling lonely with the kids getting all the attention, plus your depression over work. In such circumstances you were a prime candidate to look elsewhere, even if it was only in your mind, at least to start with.

I guess one of the big dangers is that you loose your sense of perspective and build up something in your mind that may not actually be there. After all you said it was a last minute fling, followed by a casual acquaintanceship. The other person has not expressed great enthusiasm and if I understand you is already in a relationship elsewhere.

When children come along a family changes a lot, and both parents tend to have their needs sacrificed to provide a healthy and loving environment for the kids. This new stage in life takes a lot of adjustment, and I'd expect that at least part of your wife's lack of enthusiasm for intimacy is straight out fatigue. Does she get enough support do you think?

It does sound as if you do value your family, in particular the kids who you say make you happy. Is it possible to improve your work situation so that is one thing less to worry about?

No matter what your feelings the only suggestion I'd have is not to rush. Circumstances can change.

Croix

Office fling is tearing me apart

Quercus — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 14:45:29 GMT

Hi itsagamble and welcome to the forums.

I'm going to give my honest opinion which is probably not easy to hear.

Your wife deserves better than this.

If you aren't content in your marriage that's ok but the bit where you wrote about being intimate with your wife to try block out the feelings made me feel pretty yuck.

Is it fair to waste your wife's time if you're solely waiting to see if this other woman is keen? If you don't want her let her go. There will be someone else out there to make her happy.

In terms of your kids it is always better to end things amicably then for one party to find out about infidelity. Once that's involved it is so hard to keep a civil and polite relationship which your kids will need.

You talked about sorting finances so it does sound like your mind is made up. Isn't it time to have a conversation with your wife so she at least knows you are unhappy and looking elsewhere?

Just my few cents. Feel free to ignore or be annoyed.

Nat

Office fling is tearing me apart

geoff — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 22:40:54 GMT

Hello Itsagamble, welcome to the site.

Having a crush on someone at work to eventually being intimate isn't being truthful to your marriage, as you're not being honest with yourself.

We all have a crush on another person at some stage in our life, but I'm not sure this should be a reason to leave your family and if there are problems happening within the marriage these need to be addressed, a crush isn't going to help just complicate the issue.

There's always been a saying that has lasted for many years and it says 'the grass is always greener on the other side', and I say this because people can have a crush and whether it involves intimacy or not it will damage your marriage.

You can't guartanee if you get a divorce that she will come and live with you.

I'm all for having a crush because it brings life back into you, but you may have different ideas, tastes and how you want to live, a crush is just that but you may not be compatiable.

Best Wishes.

Geoff.

Office fling is tearing me apart

itsagamble — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 23:13:27 GMT

Thanks guys. You're all right and I have considered all of this, that's why I'm so confused.

It was a 'last minute fling' as per Croix, but I know there was underlying attraction before then, months for me - not sure for her but I knew she was attracted to me, so could have happened at any time. Timing was just cos I had the guts (or stupidity) to do anything (dutch courage and all). We know each other quite well and would be compatible. My understanding is we actually have more in common than her and her BF.

I think hanging out and waiting if the OW likes me is me seeking the easy way out maybe, but I would sooner do what Nat suggested to not admit to my infidelity and maybe move on. But then there's trying to avoid that pain too. You don't think of all this when you're caught up in the moment. I just can't understand how somebody could live a lie so I want to ask her how she feels but without destroying the friendship. I'm happy if its a no and I'll deal with my guilt as long as I can, work on my marriage (which is just me, my wife is oblivious to any issues) and eventually the feelings may subside. I can and do love my wife, but think deep down I still would like to love somebody I haven't been unfaithful to. I've never really felt deep, head over heels type love, usually dies after the honeymoon phase so maybe this time is different??

Office fling is tearing me apart

itsagamble — Fri, 20 Jul 2018 00:57:30 GMT

Hey Quercus, I didn't mean I was intimate with wife to block feelings of the OW. I meant I tried to be more intimate so my feelings for my wife would come back. Trying to do what I've read elsewhere to get over it and move on with my family, but can't yet.

Office fling is tearing me apart

GoodWitch — Fri, 20 Jul 2018 00:58:18 GMT

itsagamble

I'm going to reveal a little bit about myself here to see if it helps you. I've been married 20yrs, many ups and downs and probably never has it been that 'head over heels' type of love you mentioned though I love & respect him deeply. I did feel that once with a man before my husband, everything was similar to what you describe. I couldn't go two minutes without thinking about him, read something into every glance, every smile. We also worked together. He had a long term GF and I was single. I had a few nice guys interested in me but I ignored them all because I was waiting and hoping this man at work would leave his GF and choose me.

In the end he broke my heart. It was always just a flirtation for him, he was never going to leave his GF for me. So I guess I lost faith in the 'head over heels' feeling, because it's often the mark of infatuation, not love.

Flash forward to now and there is a guy at my current work who I could easily fall for. He's cute, we get along great, he's in an open marriage & I'm pretty sure with one indication from me, we could have an affair. I've never done anything & never will because he's a fantasy, not reality. The idea of him might occasionally seem exciting but that's because we don't have this history & baggage between us like I have with my husband. He's a blank slate I can paint an imaginary perfect relationship on. I don't go out for drinks with him, never put myself in a position to be tempted even though I've had my own marriage difficulties including lack of intimacy. The thing is, he is not the answer to my marriage problems. If I leave hoping to hook up with someone else, I take my problems with me & ruin any chance to start fresh with anyone new.

I understand your confusion. It's easy to see someone else you find attractive as a potential escape hatch from a difficult situation. But I think it's only the idea of the OW that provides the escape, the reality would be far different. If you leave your relationship, it should be because you've tried everything you possibly can to save it first, you have children to consider. There is no way to avoid the upsetting discussion you need to have with your wife that won't make everything worse. Be honest with her, tell her what you're going through. It won't be worse than what will happen if you leave one failing marriage for the illusion of another.

Office fling is tearing me apart

itsagamble — Fri, 20 Jul 2018 01:21:00 GMT

Thanks GoodWitch. A good perspective.

I am confident if I was to confess that marriage would be done anyway. I think that's where I am getting confused and holding out hope for OW, who, as you said with your experience, is probably unlikely to leave her BF, unless she is hiding feelings also I suppose. I just don't know if I could continue with the guilt and also, if she (OW) doesn't have feelings, how can she continue with it?

Office fling is tearing me apart

GoodWitch — Fri, 20 Jul 2018 01:54:10 GMT

Your marriage might be done if you confess, but as long as you have one foot halfway out the door your marriage is going to disintegrate anyway, it'll just be slower and probably more painful.

As for the OW I can't second guess what's going through her head, and neither can you. 'Feelings' could mean so much. She might have feelings for you but no desire to actually have a relationship with you. She might be madly in love with you but still would rather stay with her BF. If she's having her own relationship problems, you could be nothing more than a distraction for her, a way of rebelling against her responsibilities, of feeling alive. For all you know, she could be a serial cheater. How well do you really know her, as opposed to your idea of her?

This is stuff you ought to know about her before you even consider her as an alternative to the woman you share a home and children with. If you can't live with not knowing how she feels, ask her, if it destroys the friendship so be it. Frankly, it's not as important as your marriage anyway and that ought to be the focus. Your wife deserves your loyalty, so I think you need to forget this other woman until you work out what's going on in your marriage. If your marriage ends anyway, only then can it be time to contemplate other relationships.

I hope you sort this out, itsagamble.

Office fling is tearing me apart

Just Sara — Fri, 20 Jul 2018 09:07:59 GMT

Hi IAG;

Having an extra-marital fling's controversial for most people, but as you've asked for help, I think it's a credit to you.

Coming back from this will take some attention no doubt, but well worth the effort. What are your biggest concerns at this point considering emotions vs practicality?

This forum's ideally a non judgemental space to be yourself and discuss options for your situation; please don't feel you need to defend yourself. We're here to help and want what's best for all concerned.

Kind thoughts;

Sez

Office fling is tearing me apart

blondguy — Fri, 20 Jul 2018 12:02:19 GMT

Hi itsagamble

I just wanted to thank you for being a part of the forums.

Like Croix mentioned above your situation is not uncommon. I feel for you as we are only human and you are trying your best to do the right thing. Good on you!

You never have to justify your situation on the forums....Its not how we function. We are here to provide you with the best possible support we can without judgement

Can I ask if you have had a reasonably happy relationship with your wife until your fling happened?

Great to have you with us itsagamble 🙂

My kind thoughts

Paul

Office fling is tearing me apart

Tams20 — Sat, 21 Jul 2018 01:43:58 GMT

Hi itsagamble,

I’m prone to developing crushes, I sometimes think that I do it just to give my brain something to occupy its time with, to see how well I cope with some additional emotional stress in my life... 😏 It’s mostly on people who are unattainable and therefore pretty safe. Occasionally it’s with somebody who is interested, but I haven’t ever acted on it. I’ve realised that it is just the idea of being with someone else that gives me a boost. The thought that things would be so much better than in my marriage. But then I start thinking about life with them without wearing ‘rose coloured glasses’, start visualising life with them during stressful situations and how that might pan out, start thinking g about the impact on my husband and family, and on their family... it usually kills the fantasy pretty quickly! And I always get over them with time.

As GoodWitch said, I would just ask her how she feels. If you are really serious about ending your marriage for this woman I think you should stop speculating about how she feels. If it was to end the friendship then that would at least give you some closure. Might not be a bad thing? Then you can decide whether you still want to leave your wife.

Tams

Office fling is tearing me apart

itsagamble — Tue, 24 Jul 2018 03:04:43 GMT

Maybe I'm over-analyzing things, blind lust and all. She was definitely flirty before the event, but not so much any more. Very friend like. I think I've been friend zoned but scared to ask how she feels or if she ever felt anything (which I assumed she had and I guess I acted based on that - I mean, you don't flirt with somebody and have sex with them if you don't like them right?). Maybe she does feel something but is blocking it out. I know she is concerned about her past and not wanting to be seen in the same way her ex husband was.

Just confused as we text occasionally through the day and sometimes at night etc and she is responsive, but replies to any compliments/flirty stuff with replies like HAHA and LOL (I hate texting!), but that's what she's always done. She still asks how I'm doing and how other things are going etc and we have good conversations when we're together so it seems that she is interested in some capacity. And she definitely doesn't try to avoid me, but I don't know that she'd go out of her way to see me as I do her. I think its just the affectionate touch that threw me off, perhaps it was nothing, maybe her consoling me or something I don't know.

Breaking down and stressed at home so want to sort stuff out soon so I can tell wife and see what she wants to do. She is upset seeing me depressed and not knowing why. Its been months, still so much confusion.

Office fling is tearing me apart

blondguy — Wed, 25 Jul 2018 11:18:00 GMT

Hi itsagamble

I understand that this is a difficult time for you feeling 'stuck' at home. Since there is no thing as a dumb question on the forums....can I ask you your thoughts about having a talk with your wife?

The replies you have getting from your friend at work seem to indicate that she is keeping her distance from you with the brief lol's and haha's when your compliments/flirty texts...(as she has always done)

Just my humble opinion if thats okay.....you have to have a talk to your wife....as in yesterday....even for your childrens sake

We are here for you....no worries!.....any questions or thoughts are welcome always..

My Best

Paul

Office fling is tearing me apart

geoff — Wed, 25 Jul 2018 20:39:28 GMT

Hi Itsagamble, maybe she might be feeling that you have told your wife and then feel some guilt, all in all, a decision needs to be made and unfortunately believe this has to be you who makes it.

There are 3 people who are involved in this situation and all of you are wondering 'what if'.

few points to consider:

-you cannot love someone you don’t have respect for

-you can't leave them wondering what you want to do

-one thing a man wants is for a woman to tell him that she feels safe around him.

- never make them worry you might leave them

Let us know your thoughts.

Geoff.

Office fling is tearing me apart

Croix — Sat, 28 Jul 2018 04:21:02 GMT

Dear Itsagamble~

A difficult time and as Geoff says there are three people involved, plus your kids of course. Please excuse me if I just offer some thoughts, which may be well off-track.

I guess firstly if your mind was made up you might not feel so confused, uncertainty is pretty destructive after all.

I do wonder a bit about the level of the OW's involvement, it is very easy to assume others are as deeply affected as oneself, and there does not seem to be much reassurance from her direction. If you have to ask there may be less there than you think.

Your wife's being upset at your distress does seem to point to her caring about you.

Another thing I'd be unsure about is how much or how quickly one might tell one's wife. In some circumstances it might be like giving her the responsibility for any break-up, even though it would be a response to a situation not of her making.

All I can do is wish you the wisdom and clarity you need.

Croix

Office fling is tearing me apart

itsagamble — Thu, 02 Aug 2018 03:00:39 GMT

Thanks Croix. I think you're right about OW. We see each other and communicate as friends but there's no real intimacy or affection from her, I think maybe I am just hoping for it. The flirting is occasional and in a friendly/joking sort of manner at best but its confusing as to whether its signals or just friendly from her. I just don't understand how she could feel nothing when I previously sensed an attraction from her and I think that's why I'm confused. I could understand if I was a stranger. Maybe she does feel something and is hiding it. Too scared to ask her though because I value her friendship and don't want to scare her off. I'm even trying to erase everything by treating it as what it was and bury my feelings, but I can't.

I don't know if its lust or I'm in love/like (I don;t think so but have considered what future would be like with her) or I just want sex again or if I simply just want to know she likes me to make me feel better, its so confusing.

I'm almost at breaking point and feel like I will confess to my wife soon, for better or worse. Obviously this will make things worse, but at least she'll know why I've been upset and angry and she can choose what she wants to do. It will be devastating for us and especially with the kids,( I'm crying typing this, so sad). My brother has just gone through a similar thing with his family (he had an affair and left for OW) so people are going to think the worst of me. My parents will wonder what they did wrong. I'll lose friends and family. I have no doubt if I tell my wife, I'll have to tell her the details and how silly it was which hopefully may help her understand. Then I worry that my marriage will be destroyed and OW will be happy with her BF. I suppose that's jealousy. Then if I do tell my wife the whole truth, will OWs BF find out and she'll then be hurt. Maybe best thing is to let it go and wait for the attraction and guilt to wear off. I never expected so much pain - it was good but not worth this.

What do I say - honey, I have been upset because of guilt and rejection. I cheated on you with this person as I had built an attraction for them and I thought it was mutual. It was a once off and they told me this, but I got hooked and have held on hoping for more. I mean, how stupid am I?

Office fling is tearing me apart

Terry73 — Thu, 02 Aug 2018 07:41:19 GMT

Hi itsagamble,

I can say how I personally feel about all this, but I dont think that would help you aas those same views have been put to you by other people here.

Now, I am not saying at all here to not tell your wife about the OW, but I am saying that you should focus on your marriage problems that are bothering you first with the wife. Get them sorted out first, because fixing that problem (or problems) is something you must do, for good or bad. Once those are sorted out, then you should have a clearer mind (and heart) to deal with the affair problem and be in a better position to work out whats going to happen.

In sorting out your marriage problems you are going to come to 2 scenarios, first is that you and your wife are able to get back on a loving family path that you once were hoping of when you married her in the first place, with a few extra scars of course, but still getting back on track, second is that you and your wife then break apart. In the first case, your feelings will change from the OW to the wife naturally, and then you can easily shrug off these feelings for the OW. In the second case, you are now free of the burden of marriage (not saying that it is a burden now, but if apart you are now free of those responsibilities) so you can re-assess your feelings properly without the complications of a marriage involved.

Trying to solve it the other way (affair problem before marriage problems), you will always be in the marriage problem(s) still, hence clouding your judgement, and never being able to really open up and solve the issue.

Again, I am not saying not to come clean about it, just solve what you can first that has the highest priority, which I believe is your marriage in your case, then decide on what to do after.

I am not sure if this advice will help or not, and it is just my view point on it all, but I do hope it all turns out for the best, for yourself, your wife and the OW,

Terry

Office fling is tearing me apart

Croix — Thu, 02 Aug 2018 11:30:26 GMT

Dear Itsagamble~

Reading though your posts again I think uncertainty and indecision are making your life worse. Even deciding to do nothing is a decision and may bring a little peace.

I think Terry has given you some good advice also like Terry I'm not saying stay silent, but I'd look at why I was going to disclose everything. Sometimes we can be truthful to make ourselves feel better, and it may be at a big price others pay.

Croix

Office fling is tearing me apart

blondguy — Thu, 02 Aug 2018 12:24:34 GMT

Hi itsagamble

Terry and Croix have provided sound invaluable advice/support through their own life experience

You have everything to gain by attending to your marriage as a matter of urgency. I understand you are upset and thats fair enough considering your situation. The occasional flirting from the other woman is secondary at this time.....until current issues are dealt with

we are here for you

Paul