topic Struggling with work and parenting. in Relationship and family issues

Struggling with work and parenting.

manoody92 — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 04:47:10 GMT

Hi Everyone,

This is going to be a long post as I'm at my wits end, I have no one to vent to and I need outsiders opinions.

Ok, so I have a 22 month old gorgeous girl.
My husband insists I continue to work 2 days per week even though this means sending our daughter to childcare where she continues to get very ill and has had to be hospitalised 3 times in the last month due to different illnesses.

Because I only work part time I am then having to take the time off to look after her, which is now threatening my employment as I've had so much time off over the last 6 months.
This of course is taking a toll on my mental health and I am reaching breaking point knowing I am unable to work and look after our baby to my full potential.

After several discussions with my husband, he still insists I continue to work, and put our daughter in childcare.

This is simply just not working.
We are in a position where I know it isn't essential for me to work.
In his eyes if I am not contributing financially, I am not doing anything at all. He thinks I'll just sit at home all the time and do nothing (and yes, he has actually said that to me).

Yesterday, my daughter was so sick with fever she has a febrile seizure.
I called an ambulance, and I have never felt so sick in my life, my poor baby. This was the final straw for me.

How do I get through to my husband that this arrangement isn't working? And that I am contributing by being a full time mother to our gorgeous daughter? That I am not coping with working and sending her to childcare, and that it causes me horrendous anxiety?
I barely earn anything in my industry, and he earns excellent money.
I know we are financially ok, otherwise I wouldn't even consider this.

I just feel helpless, and like I am going to have to choose between my daughter or my job.

Advice/opinions would be much appreciated, I truly don't know what to do from here.

Struggling with work and parenting.

Croix — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 12:55:58 GMT

Dear Manoody92~

I'm sorry your husband has put you and your daughter in this position. From what you have said it appears to me to be very clear what the priorities really should be:

Your daughter's health
Your health
Your wishes
Your husband's wishes.

In the absence of financial pressure it the correct path seems simple, no work until it can happen without adverse effects - if in fact you then want to do it.

Do you have any idea why your husband wants you to work? Is it a case of bullying and wanting to be superior, or fright that money matters are insecure, or ? Apart from anything else I would have thought you daughter's illnesses would have given him pause to think. One cannot love a child and put them in harms way.

Choosing between a daughter and a non-essential job would seem it me from the outside to be quite straightforward.

You sound alone. Do you have anyone that could be on your side and give you support. A parent or family member?

Can I ask what you think you should do, and what could happen as a result?

Croix

Struggling with work and parenting.

manoody92 — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 13:14:32 GMT

Hello Croix,

Thank you so much for commenting, I was beginning to think no one would!

My husband continues to tell me that we are struggling financially so I will feel guilted into working. I know for a fact we are ok financially. He buys high priced items constantly, more than what my wage would be a week. He says its unfair that all the money earning will be put on him and that I won't be contributing financially and that's not fair to him.

I think our daughters health is priority one, and my mental health is also extremely important.

I am at breaking point after seeing my girl seizure yesterday, and he doesn't even seem phased by it. In fact tonight I spent an hour trying to put her to bed and he didn't offer help at all.

I'm truly at my wits end here. I am very close with my family, but I feel like the more I vent to them the more they dislike him. And all my friends are his friends so its hard to vent to them.

I think it would be wise to try counselling, but I truly don't think his attitude will change.

If I'm not working, I'm not contributing at all. He's actually said this.

I'm lost.

Struggling with work and parenting.

Juliet_84 — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 13:36:42 GMT

Hi manoody92,

Croix has already given you a very helpful answer. Although I’m inclined to agree with your husband on this one (sorry!) based on my experience. My mother gave up work to raise my sister and I, and to be honest it was the worst thing she could have done for her mental health. Over time her world became everything within those 4 walls and she had a constant laser focus on us. I have also seen the exact same thing happen with friends of mine. Those friends of mine who wuit work entirely also never returned when their children grew up and were fearful of returning to the workforce as they’d been out of it completely for so long. One of them is now also experiencing marital difficulties, which puts her in a very vulnerable position.

I understand that your daughter is getting sick at daycare. Unfortunately babies immune systems are immature at this age which predisposes them to infections. However, this is a necessary part of childhood and primes their immune system and will protect them later in life. I hope that I haven’t offended you, I just wanted to play devils advocate as sometimes what we want and what’s good for us aren’t always the same.

Struggling with work and parenting.

Summer Rose — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 13:52:20 GMT

Hi Manoody92

I'm sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult position. From your posts it seems finances are your husband's top proirity. He doesn't seem to get the emotional side of the situation or parenthood, for that matter.

I'd like to suggest that you try talking finances with him. But first I'd like you to create two spresdsheets.

Spreadsheet one. List all of your costs associated with going to work. Clothes, lunch, snacks, coffee, transport, childcare, hair dressing, make up, and anything else you can think of. Then compare this to your earnings and see where this puts you. If it is costing you more to go to work than you earn, this one is done. If not, identify things you can easily cut from your current spending to ensure you come out ahead by not working. Pick things that aren't necessarily important to him (so he doesn't feel he's being treated unfairly).

Second, list all the duties and responsibilities you take care of at home and give them a value. For arguements sake use your current wage. This would include things like grocery shopping, cleaning, errands, childcare, gardening, entertaining, organising your home, making travel arrangements, laundry, etc. This will enable you to demonstrate the dollar value of your contribution at home.

What do you think?

Struggling with work and parenting.

manoody92 — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 14:12:17 GMT

Hi Juliet_84,

No you haven’t offended me. I understand the point you’re making. I certainly don’t plan on leaving work forever, just until my mental health improves and I am able to cope with being a Mum and working all at the same time. Maybe 6 months to a year.

The fact that his support just isn’t there is what is upsetting me the most.

Struggling with work and parenting.

manoody92 — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 14:14:32 GMT

Hi Summer Rose,

Thank you so much, this is a great idea. I was thinking of doing something along those lines.

It does sadden me though that I should even have to put it all in writing in the first place though.

Struggling with work and parenting.

Summer Rose — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 14:33:57 GMT

Hi again

I know it saddens you and I understand why. It seems a no- brainer for you to leave work, and your husband's reaction to you suggesting leaving work seems odd. Two things to consider.

First, some people just don't get mental health. It could be that your husband has never experienced a mental health condition and really doesn't understand what you are going through. It might help to try to educate him. I recommend all of the materials on the bb website. Have a look and maybe print some out and ask him to have a read.

Second, it could be that as a new father your husband is feeling a lot of pressure in being the family "provider". Knowing that you have a job might be helping to ease the pressure he is feeling. In other words, he might be scared to be the only one working in case something goes wrong. New dads go through a lot of changes too.

I don't know your husband, just speaking from my experience.

Struggling with work and parenting.

Terry73 — Wed, 18 Jul 2018 15:11:26 GMT

Hi manoody,
Just putting my view in here, and showing you that I care and will listen to what you have to say.
To me (like what Croix says) its a matter of priority, and first and foremost in anything comes family over work, as work can be changed and altered to suit you, where family cant. I would suggest always look at what your childs needs are first, because that is how our family court systems work, they will always act in the best interests of the child (something I am a strong believer of and something I know far too well in the system from experience and research). Even if this is not in line with what your husband agrees with, the courts will rule that way, so I believe you and your husband should take the same approach.
Can I ask if everything else is ok with your husband apart from this issue? it would help us get a better picture of the situation, for example if he is being more of a narcissist or merely someone that is worried about a future falling apart. The help here can be more "tailored" to your needs, and appropriate help can be suggested (example, if your husband is more the bullying type, maybe looking at solving that issue, may solve the issue of work, as well as other issues, but if he is more the worried type, maybe a more gentle "parenting" style of mediation could help better).
Either case, I think your husband has to learn that family is far more important (from what it seems so far),

I hope my input helps

Terry

Struggling with work and parenting.

manoody92 — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 04:31:37 GMT

Thanks again Summer Rose,

I appreciate your knowledge and advice. I am having the chat with him tonight. Hopefully we can resolve some things.

Wish me luck.

Struggling with work and parenting.

manoody92 — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 04:37:22 GMT

Hi Terry,

Thank you for your comment.

I completely agree, our child’s needs should come first. I will be having the much needed talk with him tonight about everything.

My husband is a great man, he is loving and compassionate most of the time. But before I came along he was alone for a while and only ever had to worry about himself. I think he still isn’t used to having a family and is therefore very money orientated and believes if I’m not contributing financially than I’m pretty much useless. This attitude has to change in order for our relationship to survive. I’m at breaking point.

Hopefully after our chat tonight, we will come up with a solution. But to be honest I don’t think it will end well.

Struggling with work and parenting.

Terry73 — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 05:40:34 GMT

it is good he still is a good man to you, it is just sad he doesnt put family first because work can be changed while family cant.

Tell him that by you stopping work, you can put full time into caring for the kids better, making life easier and better for all.

Well thats what I would suggest, and keep telling him that

I hope everything does go well for you,

Terry

Struggling with work and parenting.

Summer Rose — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 08:23:21 GMT

Hi Manoody92

Good luck. Please feel free to let us know how it goes.

Struggling with work and parenting.

Juliet_84 — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 08:39:40 GMT

Hi manoody92,

Thank you for being open to listening to an alternate perspective. I think that whatever happens, you need to sit down with your husband and have a frank conversation. He needs to be open about what he’s feeling and why this is so important to him, it may be that he is afraid of shouldering the entire provider role or it makes him nervous, or it may be related to his upbringing and his work ethic. And I think that you need to sit down and talk about what’s going on with you rather than ‘building a case’. There’s no shame in saying you are not coping, and I think he may actually appreciate that more. If he is concerned that this is it for you working ever again, perhaps you could put a rough date on things to put his mind at ease.

Thw other thing is that sometimes when we are not coping or we’re depressed, we can blame one thing as it’s cause and focus on that. I did a similar thing, I have a serious medical condition and 4 years ago suffered a major stroke. I was working full-time at the time and attributed it to that and wanted to throw it all in. But in the end I found a job that was much more enjoyable and accommodating and I have actually felt it is so beneficial to my life. Even if you end up not working, please make sure that you get some time for you, whatever that may be.

Struggling with work and parenting.

Croix — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 09:09:13 GMT

Dear Manoody

Well, I hope you are wrong and he changes his mind after your conversation. Not everyone fits right into a family way of doing things at once and priorities do have to change, the most important being a desire to look after the other person. sometimes it takes a shock for this to come about.

Frankly it was helping look after the baby that made me see things from a new perspective. There is nothing like dirty nappies to be washed to change ones priorities (Yes I'm from a previous generation:)

Apart from trying to persuade him yourself ar there others in his life who could talk to him too?

Croix

Struggling with work and parenting.

manoody92 — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 13:20:39 GMT

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for all of your helpful advice.

I spoke with my husband tonight, and I'm glad to say it didn't turn into a screaming match this time. He listened to what I had to say and I stayed strong. We have decided to go to counselling together and I will be ceasing work and pulling our daughter out of day care to focus on both her health and my mental health.

You have all been so understanding and I truly appreciate all of your comments and input into my situation.

I will surely stick around to offer the same support to all of you, and keep you updated on our progress.

I truly thank you.

Struggling with work and parenting.

Croix — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 13:48:54 GMT

Dear Manoody~

I'm really pleased things have worked out so well. It really is a win for your husband too even if he doe not recognize it straight away, a healthier child, your health plus a better relationship with you, and priorities in their right places.

It must have been hard to stick to your guns, but I guess you'll remember that for the future too 🙂

Croix

Struggling with work and parenting.

Summer Rose — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 14:01:48 GMT

Hi Manoody92

I'm so pleased with the outcome. Good on you for staying strong. I know that conversation couldn't have been easy, particularly as you've been feeling unwell.

The counselling is really important for your relationship and your family, so I encourage you to make it a priority.

I say this because I can imagine that you are still likely hurt and bewildered and he may be carrying some mixed emotions too. I feel it's important for you to get to the heart of why he feels the way he does about you participating in the paid workforce to ensure you don't end up resenting him or vice versa.

I wish you the best if luck for the future. Post any time.

Struggling with work and parenting.

Terry73 — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 14:28:27 GMT

This is great news manoody, hope all things keep getting better for your whole family

Terry

Struggling with work and parenting.

GoodWitch — Fri, 20 Jul 2018 02:19:08 GMT

I followed this thread all the way through manoody and I'm so glad you were able to talk to your husband and more importantly he listened. So much of what you said triggered memories of what I went through when my kids were little and I was seriously angry with your husband for a while there lol. Counselling is a great idea and hopefully you'll work out what has caused this disconnect in ideas so you can sort it out.

Best wishes