topic I'm at a loss of what to do next in Relationship and family issues

I'm at a loss of what to do next

Helenmc — Sun, 03 Jun 2018 00:19:58 GMT

Hi everyone

I'm writing in hope to get some unbiased views.

my husband and I had an argument 9 weeks ago today it wasn't that heated but he says "fine I'll leave" proceeded to get in his car and drive off. I was holding his car door open begging for him to come inside but he just lost it and yelled at me never have I seen him like that before .

9 weeks on no contact except week 2 a short text message to tell me it was alol my fault. Nothjng since then .

he left with thr clothes on his back hasn't been back for any of his things since. He still contributes to thr joint account every week still reads my messenger messages when I send them but won't talk to me.

I communicte with him second daily but realise this has prob done my harm then good?

i love him we were happy together I don't want to loose our marriage but 9 weeks is a very long time

thoughts please

I'm at a loss of what to do next

White_Rose — Sun, 03 Jun 2018 00:36:38 GMT

Dear Helen

Welcome to Beyond Blue. I hope we can offer some suggestions and also lots of support.

Do you know where your husband is living? He has obviously gone somewhere and is still working. He is also contributing to the house costs so he has not gone entirely.

May I ask about your texts? I don't want to know exactly what you wrote, I am wondering if you kept asking him to return and why had he left. This has given him the right, as he sees it, to say it was all your fault. May I suggest you do not text him unless there is something to discuss. I know this will be hard but he knows how upset you are and is not helping. I think it's time to reduce the temperature.

What was different about him yelling at you? I don't mean the actual yelling but the reason behind it, financial problems, children (do you have any) work, anything that has had a large impact on his life. I also suggest you contact the Women's Legal Service and get some advice. Every state has its service which is free.

You are probably saying no, no, no, I don't want to separate and I think it's unlikely after a nine week separation. Just get an opinion which may useful in future.

Do you think your husband has some depression? Quite often a partner will leave the marriage because he/she thinks they are not worthy of staying or will be too big a burden.

Just a short post but I hope you will continue to write in.

Mary

I'm at a loss of what to do next

Helenmc — Sun, 03 Jun 2018 01:36:30 GMT

Thankyou so much for your reply.

We were arguing about our marriage we had no time together due to conflicting shifts but now he's left my shifts have gotten better. We woukd have had more time now it's too late. Yes the texts were initially begging him to come home now they're not. I do agree I should cut contact. Yes I do believe he has depression. He's done this to his daughters brfore just ignored them . I don't understand if he wanted it over ... why is or wedding rings his profile pic on FB.? I feel lost

I'm at a loss of what to do next

GoodWitch — Mon, 04 Jun 2018 02:30:38 GMT

Hi Helenmc

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Relationships are so hard. I think you've already received some good advice re: contact with him. Begging him to come home is not going to work if he doesn't want to come home, and it is only making you feel worse. It's good you've stopped doing that.

About the FB thing I don't think you ought to read too much into his profile pic. It's possible he's just too depressed/distracted to change it, and it's not a 'message' to you about anything. I think it would be a mistake to believe a profile pic over what he is actually saying/doing to you. That's the truth there, in his behaviour.

I hope he does seek help individually, whether he has depression or not. He needs to work himself out. In the meantime you need to protect yourself and your children. It must be heartbreaking for them to be ignored. They need to be your priority now, as they're depending on you (I assume they are still young?).

Good luck Helenmc, I hope things get easier soon.

I'm at a loss of what to do next

BluBelle — Mon, 04 Jun 2018 05:02:48 GMT

Hi Helen. It's clear in reading your posts that you're grappling with some intense emotions and having difficulty processing why your husband would behave in this way. It's obviously a complex situation and hard to boil down into a few words

As an outsider to your relationship, leaving for nine weeks with no communication is a pretty brutal and over-the-top reaction to what sounds like a minor disagreement. You cannot control his behaviour, but you can express to him the impact it has had on you. There is most likely something deeper going on with him, but it's not much use for us to speculate about what that is, since we don't know him like you do. You can let him know you will support him with whatever he is going through, while at the same time letting him know that this is not a healthy way to behave in a marriage. If he is open to it, I would suggest seeing a relationship therapist to help be a mediator in whatever discussions need to happen.

If you don't mind me asking, how are you dealing with all this stress in a day-to-day capacity? Do you have people you can talk to, or activities that make you feel better?

I'm at a loss of what to do next

White_Rose — Mon, 04 Jun 2018 05:24:20 GMT

I started a post to you Helen but I think it got posted by mistake. I will check later and re-write if it does not turn up.

Mary

I'm at a loss of what to do next

White_Rose — Mon, 04 Jun 2018 17:36:49 GMT

Hello Helen

Well my post has disappeared so I will try again. I suspect I pressed a wrong button.

How are you going? How is your family managing without dad? It is important to have support from friends and family at this time. Writing in here I think will be helpful as we can offer support and make suggestions that will be useful.

I see your shifts have changed leaving your with more time to spend with your family. That is really good and sad that your husband isn't with you to start a different routine. Feeling lost and overwhelmed is normal in your situation. Please do not put on a brave face for family and close friends. You may be pushing away those who can help.

I wonder if you are in contact with his family. Is this where he is living? What is your relationship with your in-laws? Perhaps his family also feel your husband is depressed and can persuade him to get some medical attention. However that is his journey. You can only look after yourself and your family. BluBelle has given you some good ideas and they are just that, ideas. So if something doesn't fit you can ignore it.

I suggested talking to the Women's Legal Service above. With no contact from your husband about his intentions it will be hard to work out what to do. If I may say so, just marking time until he returns is not helping you. Some of the shock is wearing off and you need to think of your next step. So start with legal advice, talk to his family if that's possible and begin to look at what life will be like without him around.

I know it's very hurtful and you do not want to jeopardise a possible reunion. People do return after a period away and this may be the case. There have been several threads on this topic in the same forum (Relationships and Family Issues) where you are writing. It may help if you read these posts. At the very least you can join the conversation on any thread and maybe find it valuable.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Mary

I'm at a loss of what to do next

Helenmc — Mon, 04 Jun 2018 21:27:45 GMT

Thankyou for your replies.

In thr 9 weeks he's been gone without contact no idea where he's living he sent me one small text messsge stating it was all my fault that was 7 weeks ago. He's a very stubborn person and he'd stick this out for his ego he always had to be right. So he'd not be contacting me for his pride and ego. I realise he's not likely coming back now it shocks me how someone Can tell me how much he loves me and walks out that night . He's taken off before but always come home a few hours later. The day before the fight he went and saw his adult daughters and came home agitated one of them hated the thought of him no longer being at her beck and call and really caused a lot of problems in the marriage

Ive asked him if it's over to tell me he won't I've asked him to come and get his stuff he won't he won't even take his name off the lease. Yes he has contributed financially since he left still pays for my daughters phone (no kids together). he just won't respond to anythubg and I want his stuff gone.

Im not sure if he does have depression or he's just nasty. How does Someone just change like that ?

I'm an aged care nurse and have experienced 5 deaths in 2.5 weeks so as much as it's part of my job it's hard with no one to ask how my day was anymore.

I'm at a loss of what to do next

geoff — Mon, 04 Jun 2018 22:02:18 GMT

Hello Helen, I'm sorry about what's been happening as I know it must be difficult for you to try and understand why, but when depression is involved, it complicates the situation.

What can happen so often is the person who is suffering from this illness believes they would be better off by separating from their spouse/partner, but I'm not going to repeat what has already been said, so please forgive.

Now it's important you seek the necessary help available because if he does contact you, then you need your strength.

Best Wishes.

Geoff.

I'm at a loss of what to do next

Helenmc — Tue, 05 Jun 2018 00:52:09 GMT

Thankyou everyone for your replies and insights to my terrible situation.

Its made me think and yes a 9 week no contact is quite brutal I'm not sure if he's playing games or not but I've really had enough.

So I wrote him an email this mornjng giving to the end of June for contact . I said if he was open to being in this marriage with me and open to a therapist/mediator I would be too and I'd make the arrangements. I've also said if there is no contact then it's over for me and he can come collect his things sign himself off the lease.

I needed to set some kind of boundaries

i said to him as much as I love him I deserved to be happy in my life too and surround myself with people who do love and want me in their life .

I guess if it's meant to be it will be

I'm at a loss of what to do next

White_Rose — Tue, 05 Jun 2018 10:54:17 GMT

Dear Helen

That is a very courageous thing to do, setting boundaries for your husband. I said earlier that we have threads from wives (usually) saying much the same as you. Usually there is some sort of mental illness such as depression. Not necessarily all the time though. Partners move away for a multitude of reasons.

I think there is little point in trying to work out why your husband left or why he is staying away. It just adds to your hurt and unhappiness. He may be stubborn or nasty as you have said, he may be unwell. I don't need to list the possible reasons to you. The bottom line is it looks like he has gone for good leaving you to pick up the pieces.

When you say his belongings are still at your house, do you mean personal stuff like clothes? Or does he own pieces of furniture etc which are more difficult to move from house to house. Presuming it is personal items, why not pack them up and tell him they are at your front door. Sounds bit final doesn't it? Well just a thought.

I agree you have the right to set boundaries and if he wants to return you both will need to agree the rules.

You said earlier he ignored his daughters at one time. Is it possible he finds it difficult to have relationships with his daughters and you at the same time. I gather from an earlier post there is some tension between you and at least one daughter. Always difficult with adult children who have left home and are living their own lives. They expect to be treated as adults, which is fair enough, but they also want parents to help them out no matter if the problem is big or small.

And parents can also feel neglected when their children leave and are making their own life. My home felt incredibly quiet when all my four children left for various reasons. I think masked the difficulties in my marriage so when the children were gone it was all made clear. I left my husband nearly 18 years ago. No dependents which was good. I was working and I had a house built for me and I still live here. I did unfortunately fall into a huge depression. You would think I should be happy at the move, and I was. Just shows we should never underestimate the black dog.

Love to know how you go.

Mary

I'm at a loss of what to do next

Helenmc — Wed, 06 Jun 2018 04:53:46 GMT

INTERESTING UDATE

my husband without any contact for 9.5 weeks turned up without warning with a truck to collect all his stuff!!! No warning nothjng

no apology nothjng. He was cranky couldn't even look at me

When I asked him why he says you told me to get my stuff out so I am. Wouldn't talk no eye contact when I said do you love me he said yes when I asked about counsellors he agreed to go I asked about wanting to save the marriage he said he didn't know at this point.

i told him to contact me re the counsellor appointment

he was shocked I had moved all his stuff up into the back shed he said god you move fast ??!!

he didn't want to acknowledge anythubg was his fault he just zoned me out woukd basically walk half way around back shed rather than walk past me

he left without even a goodbye got in the truck and left

i don't know whether I should make the appt or not or was he just saying that to shut me up 😔

I'm at a loss of what to do next

White_Rose — Wed, 06 Jun 2018 06:25:31 GMT

Wow! That must have been a shock and quite hurtful. Obviously wanting to make it your fault he has had to collect his gear and totally ignoring the second part of your comment about getting together again.

Why not make an appointment with the counsellor and if he does not contact you, go by yourself. You can use the time to discuss where to from here. Much better if he was with you but not a total disaster. I think you need to talk to someone face to face and in real time. This is one of the disadvantages of writing on a forum, no real time interaction.

Actually, now I think of it, you can hold an online chat with one of the BB counsellors. Look at the bottom of the page at Chat online. It's only available between 3:00pm to midnight, but it is real time talking. Do you think this would be helpful.

It sounds as though he is feeling very guilty which I think is why he is keeping up the facade that it's your fault. That's a shame. So much better if he could swallow his pride and talk. What can I say.

Do you know where he is living yet? I find that an intriguing mystery.

How are you going? I hope you have found the hurt reducing a little though I know it can also return with a bang.

Mary

I'm at a loss of what to do next

BluBelle — Wed, 06 Jun 2018 10:45:26 GMT

Hey Helen, good on you for making it clear you won't tolerate being ignored in a very reasonable and supportive way. If he is struggling with depression or doesn't know how to handle his anger/emotions, it's fair to ask that you make some concessions and be patient - however he needs to acknowledge that first and communicate with you. Otherwise he can go on behaving poorly indefinitely! If it were me, I'd make the counselling appointment (checking first to make sure it's refundable, just in case) for a time when you know he doesn't have work, then send him the details of when and where to turn up. If he doesn't attend, well I guess you have your answer about the future of the marriage. It's terribly harsh, but you can't maintain a relationship with a brick wall. Something needs to change, and it sounds like if you give any more (on top of an already stressful job) you'll just have nothing left in your emotional tank.

I'm at a loss of what to do next

Helenmc — Wed, 06 Jun 2018 11:04:47 GMT

Hi there

well I've made the appointment for the counsellor it's next Tuesday

I've sent him all the details of where when what time

lets see if he's a man of conviction or not at worse I know I've done everythjng I can

I'm at a loss of what to do next

White_Rose — Wed, 06 Jun 2018 12:13:57 GMT

A quick note. Well done. Hope it turns out OK but as you say, you have done everything you can.

Mary