topic Adoption in Relationship and family issues

Adoption

Quercus — Mon, 19 Mar 2018 00:32:52 GMT

Hi everyone,

Last week driving my son to school there was a story on the radio. I burst into tears and all of the feelings of worry, guilt, grief, fear, anxiety and wanting won't leave me.

Ryan Jon posted a thank you to his biological mother on mother's day to thank her for putting him up for adoption. The story spread like wildfire because it hit home to so many.

But me... It left me feeling crap.

Why?

Because I asked my Mum (who was adopted in a closed adoption) to ask for her medical records. This means court because when she was very sick as a young Mum they refused to allow her access to records.

I have medical issues noone in my family has. And I have two kids of my own and I want to know if I have to worry.

I don't want to know them. Maybe I'm a terrible human being but unlike Ryan Jon I don't have any compassion to give them.

Now I'm pushing my own Mum away. Because four months later the discussion has been ignored. Nothing has happened and I feel like I don't have the right to demand the records myself because I wasn't the adopted child.

My Mum made it clear she has never discussed it even with my Dad. That the issue is a giant can of worms that I'm too scared to force open and hurt her even more.

I admire the bloke on the radio. He has a much bigger kinder heart than me.

Just had to get this out. It feels like poison in my head and heart.

Adoption

Quercus — Thu, 22 Mar 2018 09:08:43 GMT

Well I let this post of mine sit for a few days to remind myself of my worst.

Was tempted to report it as unhelpful. Am actually really ashamed to read it. Am I really this bitter and angry inside?

Then I searched for other threads about adoption. And found similar anger and hurt.

So I wanted to return and actually ask a question of others. In my hurry to vent I realised I never asked one.

If your parent is adopted... Do you feel you have the right to ask for records?

If they don't want to know is it choosing for the adoptee to seek the information?

Although I know I sound like a bitter twisted harpy I am not scary I promise. If someone has put a child up for adoption and needs a place to speak.... Please try?

I said (and I am deeply ashamed of this) that I have no compassion to give. That was a lie.

Nat

Adoption

Ggrand — Thu, 22 Mar 2018 09:51:12 GMT

Hello Quercus,

I had my 2nd child adopted out, and thought about him daily, Birthdays, Easter, Christmas, Mothers Day, they were they days at times heartbreaking days, because loosing a child to adoption is one of the worse things that could happen.

I will try to explain, I knew my baby was out their somewhere but didn't know where, I was always thinking is he okay, is he been treated properly, can someone give him the love that's unconditional like that of a biological mum. The pain of uncertainty is always hovering over you, the heartache of not being their for them, I made and still have a journal type book where I put what I thought would be his achievements. ie:- : how many bottles would he drink per day, age he might start walking, age he started talking, his first day at school etc, The love I had for my son was the same love I had for my other children, It remains with you..Oops I got carried away a bit..

My son found me, after searching records and going through government agencies for over 5 years, back then the records were locked away. we talked on the phone, then we met, he met his brothers,,,we cried, he called me mum I cried even more, but I have high anxiety and found it so difficult to talk to him, I was crying inside because he found me yet I was so overwhelmed I couldn't even make a conversation with him...He visited me in December, I think,, he asked me about the history of his family, I was only to pleased to tell him, after all he needs to know, his medical background, he left after a few days, we got to know each other, when he left he kissed me and said he will keep in touch, He sends a message every now and then, his latest one was on my birthday which he signed off on f/b msger, love you mum.

Because another 2 full siblings are involved things are complicated, but with time and the love I have for the three of them I know we will work things out..oh yeah, he gave me 4 more grandchildren to love, and they call me nanny, I had no concerns about giving him all he wanted to know about his ancestors.. I'm hoping the day will come that we all can meet for a family BBQ some where in the not so distant future..

I owe so much to some special people here that helped me make this possible. The respect and love for these people here will never leave me..

Grandy,

Adoption

Summer Rose — Thu, 22 Mar 2018 10:17:01 GMT

Hi Quercus,

Don't be so hard on yourself. Venting is good for the soul and everybody here knows that. We also read your posts regularly and know that you have plenty of compassion.

I am ashamed to admit that I read your original post a few days ago and I could feel your pain but I couldn't reply. It wasn't cause your post put my off, it was because it's a painful, tricky subject for me too and I didn't know what to say. I'm going to have a shot but I hope I don't upset you.

My father was a twin, born a minute before his sister. Their mother died in childbirth, as an unwed mother. Their father never stepped up. It was during the great depression and both my father and aunt were raised in a horrible orphanage and had a terrible time growing up.

There came a time where my aunt wanted to know about their parents. Same as you, she wanted medical records but she also had a burning desire to know who their parents were and why nobody ever came to adopt them. It caused a terrible row between my dad and my aunt. My dad just couldn't go there and my aunt couldn't bear to hurt him--her one and only love and protector through those very dark years.

It was only after my father died that my aunt began her quest. Today I am grateful for the information I have about my heritage and family but I would have never asked my father to act. My father and I were very close and we often talked about his painful childhood and the impact the absence of his parents had on him. In many ways he was a broken person but he was my dad and I loved him dearly.

I think the issue between my father and his sister, and you and your mum is similar. There are very legitimate competing needs to be consider and there is pain all the way around the issue. I don't know what's right or wrong I only know that I couldn't do it. Please don't judge me too harshly.

Adoption

Quercus — Thu, 22 Mar 2018 13:40:18 GMT

Hi GGrand (sorry I find Grandy hard to use as I know another Grandy),

Thank you for sharing. I do remember on your thread how scared you were when your son contacted you. I think it is really lovely that you have kept trying.

❤ Nat

Adoption

Quercus — Thu, 22 Mar 2018 13:51:10 GMT

Hi Summer Rose,

Nah no judgement here. I'm not sure I can do it either.

I'm thankful you shared your story. I kind of lost it at my Mum via text over it all and pretty sure I've just caused damage like your Dad and Aunt. So reading your story really helped me feel less alone. Thank you.

Sorry I haven't given much of a reply. I'm pretty upset. I love my Mum very much. If it wasn't for the fact that I feel like I need the medical records (autoimmune meds aren't working well anymore and I'm pretty frightened actually) I wouldn't have had the guts to be scared/angry/bitter/terrified enough to ask.

Thank you.

❤ Nat

Adoption

CMF — Thu, 22 Mar 2018 19:42:02 GMT

Dear Nat,

i don't have much to offer but want you to know you've been heard and I hop you can get what you need. I read your other thread and came here to offer you some support.

cmf x

Adoption

Summer Rose — Fri, 23 Mar 2018 00:05:43 GMT

Hi Nat

Thanks for your kind response.

I worry that the relationship between you and your mum will be damaged, whether you pursue the issue with her or not. The risk is angry words that are hard to take back in pursuit of pushing your mum and what could be long-term resentment if you walk away now. Resolving your medical issues is important and could impact your health down the track and I don't believe that your mum wants to cause you any harm. Being unable to help you in your time of need will undoubtedly create guilt for your mother.

I don't think anybody wins if you drop the issue but I think you need help to successfully work it through without causing harm.

I would like to suggest that you reach out to your state agency that supports children of adoption. I think you and mum could benefit from the guidance of someone who really understands the complex issues and can help you both navigate through.

This way you and your mum will both feel that you have been "heard" by the other in a supportive environment and you will both gain a genuine understanding of the other's perspective. This genuine understanding is really important because no matter what decisions you make, your mum is your mum for life.

I know you're upset right now and you don't have to respond but I am happy to keep this conversation going as long as you need it.

Kind thoughts to you x

Adoption

white knight — Fri, 23 Mar 2018 05:21:18 GMT

Hi Nat

I see one parallel with this and some elderly people that dont disclose their final wishes.

We've had that on both sides. Recently my MIL went into hospital and we thought she'd pass away. My wife tried to get details-next if kin, will, power of attorney etc. Nope, thats all a secret. Yet my daughter at 28 has all of ghis info in case we both lost our lives.

Its a responsible thing to do. Yet some hold these details including medical details as a secret and all it does is cause grief to their loved ones.

TonyWK

Adoption

Quercus — Fri, 23 Mar 2018 14:50:16 GMT

Hi Tony and CMF and Summer Rose,

I just wanted to thank you all for your words and kindness.

Summer Rose you are right about damage. I am certain now I've made a hash of this but it is too late now to walk away. I did check whether I could do it myself but that isn't allowed while Mum is alive. So asking her to do what she doesn't wish to is the only option.

My family want me to drop it and forget it. I won't. I can't. They see my worry as ridiculous but I can't escape the memory of constant pain and not being able to move. If these records can help then I want this information. And if not... Well at least I tried and am not going to always wonder.

You're right about angry words. My sister had a few I can't erase from my head. I really feel like walking away is the best option for me but I'm not letting this be for nothing. I didn't hurt my whole family for nothing.

Bleh. I told myself I need a few days off and I do. But I wanted to say thank you all first.

Adoption

SassyJ — Sun, 23 Sep 2018 22:25:40 GMT

Hi,,

I think I'm in a similar situation and really needing some advice and want to hear others opinions also on this situation.

My mum is adopted, raised by amazing people. I feel its always affected her, my upbringing and her treatment toward me was not the best (some physical and metal abuse). In my teens I talked to her and always showed interest in finding her mother. She started to then stopped. In last 2 years my aunty got right into ancestry and started the journey again with success informing my mum throughout the process. Once she was found mum said she didn't want to contact her but if I wanted to I could, so my aunty called telling me the news with her number I had so much running thru my head and so many emotions so i called her.. then kept my mum informed with everything after that so there was no secrets and she could tell me how she felt.. I ended up meeting her (2months after the call with a few txt in between) with my hubby and children. Unfortunately after that things went south with my mum, complete anger, resentment, hate towards me. I'm left so confused and at a loss what to do. Obviously I have no clue (and have expressed that to her numerous times) that I can't imagine her pain or begin to understand her feelings and what she's going through.

So I'm struggling with Mum telling my aunt and me that I could get in contact with her, I was keeping everything in open with her so she could tell me her feelings or let me know to stop or not meet her (but was never told otherwise) and a couple of weeks after the meeting she lost it with me telling me that I should have checked, if she didn't want anything to do with her that means I dont have the right to know/meet her or my children. She says she doesn't like me or trust me as it wasn't my right to do what I did. I'm devastated seeing my mum like this, I'm struggling to understand as originally she said I could???

Family is huge to me that's our roots our heritage, I'm also compassionate to mum's biological mum with her life and how it all got to be, I know I'll never know what mums going through and feeling. I suppose I'm lost as she was telling me one thing obviously feeling another and I acted thinking she was fine with it and now she's so hurt.. I just don't know...

Adoption

Quercus — Mon, 24 Sep 2018 15:41:52 GMT

Hi SassyJ and welcome to the forums.

Thank you for sharing your story too. I'm sorry to hear you are in such a painful position but I also felt somehow reassured that I'm not alone.

Are your adoptive grandparents still alive? Like you mentioned my grandparents were truly wonderful people too. When I learned of mum's adoption I began to also learn how Mum saw the issue of adoption. It was clear even wanting to know her biological parents was considered traitorous. It meant disrepecting my grandparents and belittling the fact that they chose to provide a loving home and family.

We were expected to feel rejected and angry and hurt. To reject Mum's biological family because they rejected us.

The only reason I was able to ask finally was because my grandparents have passed away. I can't hurt them anymore. But sometimes I think I can never truly comprehend how painful Mum finds this topic.

At times I've asked her if I find information do you want to know or not. She never replies. I suspect there is a need/want to know but also a strong fear of rejection/hurt/shame/anger. It makes her unpredictable at times.

Do you wonder if that might be happening with your mum too? That she is fighting conflicting emotions. It must be hard to feel rejected and know your child has been acknowledged and accepted but you were not.

My Mum lashed out once and was honest. She said it feels like I'm rejecting her too. That our family isn't good enough so I'm trying to find another one.

That has stuck with me... That at the very heart of the issue for Mum it all comes back to rejection.

I don't think you've done anything wrong but I do know the feeling of hurting a parent and it is horrible.

Is your Mum open to having a cuppa and to clear the air? It did help Mum and I to do this. I needed her to know that I'm not trying to replace her.

None of this probably helps but it did help to write.

Welcome. I hope you keep writing these forums are a supportive place.

Nat

Adoption

Quercus — Fri, 22 Nov 2019 14:52:18 GMT

Hi all,

Well it's been a year and not much has changed really.

I read a thread on the forums about adoption and it opened up all sorts of hurt so here I am again.

I jumped through the hoops of getting the paperwork and letters needed from my Psychiatrist and Rheumatologist and Mum said she had submitted the request. That was about a year ago. Nothing has been said since.

Part of me has accepted Mum hates having her adoption brought up and that if she hasn't said anything by now her biological family have most likely just refused access to medical records yet again. That part of me says just let it go.

The other part of me knows I have done something my Mum would hate me for. I got a DNA test. Found a match that is very closely related and contacted them. Amazingly she replied and told me that she had female family members with the same autoimmune condition as me. I was right to be worried about my kids. It seems to pass on mostly to females in her line and I have a daughter.

I didn't feel I needed to dig any deeper. It helped me to see I do want to know more about who I am and yet that doesn't mean I want to be involved or meet relatives.

But it has left me feeling angry and guilty and even resentful. So I find myself avoiding my Mum. I feel angry that my family made my request out to be an overreaction. And now I know I needed to worry.

Above all I'm angry at myself. I should have just said nothing, done the DNA test myself and kept the results quiet. Instead I've damaged my relationship with my parents.

Haven't spoken to my sister in over a year and don't intend to change that. She will be furious if they find out about the DNA test and I've had enough of being told to put everyone else's feelings above my own.

There is an old thread here called Adoption is a Curse. I'm starting to agree with Splodge on this.

Adoption

white knight — Fri, 22 Nov 2019 18:22:17 GMT

Hi quercus

The older I get the more angry I get from anyone that violates peoples rights, furthermore if they expect others to perform to their whim.

Briefly, when my brother took his life over 40 years ago as my parents were old fashioned they couldn’t take the stigma. So mother made up stories about how he’d passed away. Two years ago when interstate, relatives there were shocked when I mentioned the truth. For 39 years they believed a lie.

Id read the letter he left and attended the coroner court for the suicide verdict. The point is, no one should be forced to lie.

And no one should be denied their family tree. And for me, if I was you I would stand my ground and complete any investigations I could, it is your history.

Sadly your family unit has been damaged but if it wasn’t this issue it would be some other issue such is the complexities of “family”. They can have their rights if keeping the skeleton in the cupboard as you have the right to inspect its bones

TonyWK

Adoption

Quercus — Sat, 23 Nov 2019 03:27:41 GMT

Thanks Tony,

I really appreciate your reply. It's reassuring to hear I'm not the only one feeling so angry.

Your family covering up about your brother's death sounds like an unintentionally cruel thing to do. I get that everyone copes the best they know how to. But it makes me angry too when someone decides 'what is best' for the whole family. That must have been so hard on you having to go along with your parent's story.

Investigation is a sore point for me too. Mum told me when I first raised the issue that until she dies I don't have the legal right to request anything formally. It has to be her. So DNA and ancestry websites are the only options.

Although I got my most important question answered searching raised more questions. The biological relatives I spoke to couldn't work out how we were related either which implies affairs or rape. It left me feeling a bit sick really. I had to close my account because we couldn't afford it any longer.

Reading another thread here has set me off a bit too. I feel angry generally for everyone hurt by adoption. I made the mistake of re reading a document I saved on my phone. An apology from the government for those affected by forced adoptions. This includes the Stolen Generation but also non Aboriginal people.

My Psychiatrist's wife told me she was involved in researching the importance of history on people's wellbeing and the impact of adoption on all parties. So I know what I feel is valid and very real.

But I feel like the negatives are downplayed all the time. I am perfectly aware that if they had chosen abortion I wouldn't exist and yet that always seems to be brought up. I'm aware we were blessed with a loving family and are fortunate. But that doesn't mean I loved my Grandparents any less just because I feel lost and confused.

I'm tired too of being told how I should feel.

Thank you for letting me vent and rant and showing understanding anyway.

❤ Nat

Adoption

white knight — Sat, 23 Nov 2019 09:53:46 GMT

HiQ

We've recently done our family trees. Heritage is far better than ancestry BTW.

As an ex PI, have you tried knocking on doors next to your family members? Many old neighbours might recall who was whom?

Your mum might claim you have no legal right but I dont even take opinions from trusted loved ones- things change all the time. So message is- dont take no for an answer. Keep ploughing ahead.

Also, death certificates marriage records are freely available. I got my brothers death details online free and the inquest details total cost is $39 in Victoria which are about to arrive by mail. All from our public records office.

here is yours in WA

https://www.sro.wa.gov.au/state-records-office-western-australia

good luck

TonyWK

Adoption

Late_Discovery_Adoptee — Sat, 18 Jan 2020 21:29:58 GMT

Hi White Knight Not sure how you came up with your rating of MyHeritage but Ancestry has a far far bigger database especially for Australians. I have very few matches and even less close matches in MyHeritage (2,258 matches), where as Ancestry I have 18,848 matches (415 close matches). One advantage of getting Ancestry is that you can upload your raw DNA Data from Ancestry to Myheritage, Gedmatch , FamilyTreeDNA, 23andMe etc but you cannot upload any of those to Ancestry. Ancestry has a far more accurate Ethnicity base than does any of the others certainly far better than MyHeritage There are many Facebook sites dedicated to this research notably CCMoore's DNA Detectives & DNA Detectives Down Under. Most Australian Facebook sites would recommend Ancestry & uploading DNA to other sites as more cost effective & productive and my experience.