topic Partner's drinking affecting relationship in Relationship and family issues

Partner's drinking affecting relationship

Mr_Walker — Sun, 11 Jul 2021 06:08:28 GMT

Hi everyone - I haven't been on here for a few years! But I wondered if anyone could give me some different perspectives on this issue...?

My partner and I have been together for 21 years - Ive suffered from Anxiety and Depression most of my life but getting better at coping all the time. I used to drink a LOT before I got my Anxiety diagnosed but I haven't had a drink at all for something like 12-14 years.

My wife though has been drinking more as she's gotten older (we're both 44). She drinks every day and drinks excessively (like falling down drunk) once a week or so. She realises she drinks too much but she doesn't show any signs of slowing or stopping - I've pretty much given up on the hope that she will stop.

But MY problem is how much it bugs me - I feel like I'm being unreasonable (and that may be the case) in wanting her to stop drinking - I don't want to be controlling or demanding - and it seems extreme of me (which it may be) to be remotely considering ending a 20+ year relationship over it - but more and more I feel like I can't deal with it.

I guess I would like to hear other people's opinions on this - is it unreasonable of me to demand that someone else stop drinking? Is it unreasonable of HER that she keeps drinking, knowing how much it's affecting our relationship? (We've discussed it a lot). Is there a different way I should be looking at the whole issue?

I know I'm in the minority in society being a total non drinker and it feels unreasonable to demand that of someone else... I've been trying to NOT let it bug me so much over the past few years but it's not working!

Many thanks for listening!

Partner's drinking affecting relationship

Croix — Sun, 11 Jul 2021 10:49:43 GMT

Dear Mr Walker~

Welcome back, it as been a while.

I'm most impressed you managed to give away alcohol, it is hard enough without the background of anxiety and depressor making things worse.

You wanted a perspective, OK, this is mine. When I married - I had one 25 year partnership and after that sadly ended in her passing away I entered another, which is still lasting after a similar period. I've been blessed.

On both occasions all of us changed in some ways, hopefully to be more accommodating and cherishing as well as all the normal things such as bringing up kids:) Plus experience.

What did not change was the conviction my wife had my back, was as capable as I (if not not more so) and a partner in decision making.

Sadly your wife is not the same person you joined 21 years ago and I doubt she would meet the expectations you both had earlier on. Alcohol is an insidious disease, life altering, poisoning, dangerous and leaves one with unclear thinking - pus it is highly addictive.

You are not with the same person. Even so your protective instincts for the one you loved may well be a trouble to you, maybe feeling that you are abandoning when you are needed most.

I'd not think it unreasonable to want your wife to stop drinking, however having a black and white attitude may not be the only answer, though for some it works. Getting her to reduce in stages might be a more realistic goal, hoping the person you knew will reemerge as the intake decreases.

I am pretty sure of three things, first your wife has to want to stop, and second experienced professional assistance for both of you is needed, her to help stop or reduce and have a plan in place which may involve another in emergencies, and for you - to be able to cope.

I'll stress that any reduction or cessation should be under the close guidance of a doctor.

Croix

Partner's drinking affecting relationship

therising — Sun, 11 Jul 2021 12:01:00 GMT

Hi Mr Walker

You sound like a reasonable person who's able to see good reason to look at things from different angles. Croix offers great advice when it comes to different perspectives. I hope I'm able to add to that in a way that can help.

My husband and I started our relationship as drinking buddies. As we progressed through our relationship, a number of factors changed. I became a mum who was primary carer to our kids on top of experiencing the end of a 15 or so year battle with depression, on top of beginning my quest for greater self understanding. When the depression came to an end, so did my drinking. On my quest, there have been a lot of questions, including 'Why was I so reliant on alcohol?'. Not sure if it's the same for your wife but, for me, I was an emotional drinker. If I was down, alcohol led me to feel 'up', before the crash that comes afterwards, making the depression worse. If I was bored, it led me to feel more excitement. Shy/nervous/anxious, it led me to feel confident. This list goes on. When I came out of depression, I found alcohol got in the way of the emotions I wanted to feel. Do you feel your wife is an emotional drinker and, if so, do you know what emotions or feelings she's trying to conjure up? By the way, I found alcohol also allowed me to conjure up 'numbness', for numbness was better than depression (so I believed at the time).

My husband still drinks, not excessively but enough to have an impact on the relationships around him. I've tried to lead him to see this on occasion but he refuses to. He does not believe his drinking creates problems. He's what you'd call a functional alcoholic.

I heard a great piece of advice the other day, 'A person's behaviour changes through self awareness'. I imagine you'd be able to relate to this, given how far you've come in your own life. The more self aware you become, the more your behaviour changes and you go on to become even more self aware in the process. It's like raising yourself through a graduating form of self awareness. If someone flat out refuses to work on becoming more aware of their behaviour, they can't graduate through the challenge they face.

Do you feel part of your frustration involves you having worked so hard on your self and your wife isn't up to doing the same thing? Do you feel she's depressed? What do you feel is stopping her? While she's aware her drinking is a problem, is she aware of exactly why she drinks? Is the answer something you could find together?

🙂

Partner's drinking affecting relationship

UltimaMic — Sun, 11 Jul 2021 12:09:43 GMT

I have to echo therising here and really get to understand what is driving your wife to drink to such an excessive level. Sometimes we judge the person and make personality judgements before we understand the situations that can sometimes drive behavior - like alcohol abuse. Alcohol abuse can be related to many factors work, depression, anxiety, stress, boredom. It would be good to get a chance to talk to her - maybe go out in nature together and casually bring up how you noticed how she has been consuming alcohol and share your concern - you want to understand if there is anything that is causing this increase in consumption. She may not answer straight away but that question will stay with them and at a later time they may recognize the fault of their ways and reveal something to you.

Partner's drinking affecting relationship

Mr_Walker — Sun, 11 Jul 2021 12:12:36 GMT

Hello again! And thanks!

Yes you're right we are both very different people after 20 years!

I suppose I've moved more (maybe too far) towards it being a black and white issue because she's tried cutting down very many times - I don't think it would be a problem for me if it was a healthier amount - she just can't seem to stop once she starts.

Also I think, because it was was very easy for me to quit drinking (I don't know why - I expected it to be very hard) - I'm maybe underestimating how hard it is for her..

A lot to think about..!

Partner's drinking affecting relationship

Mr_Walker — Sun, 11 Jul 2021 12:25:15 GMT

Thank you for the replies!

Yes it's definitely emotional.. she has been diagnosed with depression but doesn't always take medication for it.

We have been through a LOT over the years! And currently have a few very stressful/depressing situations going on.

I guess that's another issue - because we have a lot of external stresses - I may be focussing more on how her drinking affects ME (because I'm already dealing with a lot) and forgetting how hard it is for her...

Partner's drinking affecting relationship

Mr_Walker — Sun, 11 Jul 2021 12:35:57 GMT

I should say it's also a social thing for her too - a lot of her friends drink too much as well and she gets a kick out of being known as the biggest drinker of them all. They like to brag about how crazy they get on nights out etc.

So there's a lot of factors to it... And yes, like therising we started out as drinking buddies/party animals in the entertainment industry but I guess I've changed a lot more than she has...

I think she also likes to act like a teenager with her friends as an antidote to getting a bit older...

Partner's drinking affecting relationship

Croix — Sun, 11 Jul 2021 12:51:25 GMT

Dear Mr Walker~

One hopeful thing "she's tried cutting down very many times". That's good, she realises these is some sort of problem, with her, or the drink, or the effect on you. Any is good.

Not succeeding can be a downer, or an encouragement, that's one reason a professional is needed. I guess if she still wants to have your back then maybe there is enough there to keep on trying. I suspect there might be.

I do know looking at myself when I have troubles, be they medical or whatever I may feel I've no control, it's hopeless. That can go two ways. I can react by picking on something impossible to try, and fail. That proves I'd no control over life, nothing to be done.

Then instead I could pick on something I might be able to control -and succeed. That gives me a smidgen of control over life.

That's irrational but I think important, at least for me. I'm probably explaining it as clear as mud.

With other external matters hounding the pair of you maybe you are picking on one thing.

If those matters are pressing on both of you your wife may see herself, or her drinking as an additional failure, and lack of contribution.

Maybe this drink and the mindset behind it are a two-person problem.

What do you think?

Croix

Partner's drinking affecting relationship

Mr_Walker — Sun, 11 Jul 2021 13:47:34 GMT

Thanks Croix - yes I know exactly what you mean - I do the same with the impossible tasks and the small victories!

And yes she does know it is a problem. She has even seen professionals about it before - but I think we differ in how MUCH of a problem we think it is..

Each time we talk about it she seems to agree with me and has a few days or a week off. I just feel like it's up to me to decide whether I can live with her drinking or not. I don't think she's going to stop and I don't think she can cut down.

But you're right it's better than being in total denial...

It's just a bit raw at the moment because she went on a big bender the other day and has been asleep ever since.

In general also we don't have much support (well I have less than her because my social anxiety means I'm quite isolated) but we've both been under pressure from our whole extended family from other issues. So when she's drunk or asleep I feel extra lonely! I know I shouldn't rely on her so much for emotional support (because she's under the same stress as me!) But it feels like it's us against the world sometimes!

Partner's drinking affecting relationship

Mr_Walker — Sun, 11 Jul 2021 13:54:12 GMT

We have been foster parenting our grandson over multiple 12 month orders so our lifestyles drastically change from year to year plus our whole extended family thinks he should be with his mother so we get constant pressure and no help at all and are treated like WE took her child from her - no one else in the family offered to care for him each time he was removed but we get almost BLAMED for the whole situation.

So it's very stressful and we go through a kind of grieving process each time he goes back - so I've been more depressed than usual lately too...

And of course drinking is it's OWN problem as well as a crutch and a symptom of other problems but you can't really talk about it with anyone... Friends of family I mean...

Partner's drinking affecting relationship

Croix — Sun, 11 Jul 2021 14:21:14 GMT

Dear Mr Walker~

It's past my bedtime but wanted to leave you with two thoughts

"it feels like it's us against the world sometimes"

That is a powerful matter.

The second is me and smoking. I started early in life as a small kid, lured in by packets containing 4 cigarettes that were within the range of a kid's pocket-money and guaranteed instant adulthood, sophistication and savoir faire.

I ended up in my teen's smoking 3 packs a day. As time went on the number increased.

I could not give up. I knew all the facts and acknowledged them, but no dice. Some half-hearted tries but never for long, with reversion at the slightest excuse. Smoking was an integral part of me and if it killed me so be it.

I mentioned I remarried, as it happened it was to someone who's husband had passed away due to lung cancer caused by smoking.

Every time I coughed she went white - but never said a word.

I gave up cold-turkey.

I could not give up for myself, it took ... well you work it out.

'night

Croix

Partner's drinking affecting relationship

geoff — Sun, 11 Jul 2021 17:53:31 GMT

Hello Mr Walker, can I also congratulate you for not drinking, I haven't drunk for almost two years but did while in depression and that's one reason my wife of 25 years decided to leave me and then divorce me.

For someone who did drink, like yourself, it's even harder for you to watch your wife drink, it puts another perspective on the situation and even if she doesn't drink for a day or so, you're just waiting for it to start once again and no matter what you do, nothing is going to stop her permanently.

As you are fostering your grandson, all it would take is for someone to report your wife and her alcohol problem to cause your help to stop or for him to mention to his friends that his grandmother drinks, and then for another mother to mention this to the authorities, sorry to say this.

Don't feel as 'it's us against the world' because when she is intoxicated then making a decision is not easy to obtain, it's virtually what you think and your wife probably won't remember anyway, however, if she promises your grandson something but doesn't follow through with it because she forgets then he is going to complain to whomever.

The only way she is going to stop, because reducing her intake normally doesn't and can't work for an alcoholic as it's an addiction, is for her to decide herself to stop, if you keep asking her will only encourage another drink.

It's very hard for someone who has stopped drinking to live with their spouse/partner while they keep drinking, it irritates how you feel.

I was annoyed when my wife divorced me, but we speak to each other every week, and I can't tell you what to do, but at the moment this is causing you more trouble than you ever expected, I'm very sorry to say.

Would like to hear back from you whenever possible.

Geoff.

Partner's drinking affecting relationship

therising — Sun, 11 Jul 2021 22:03:37 GMT

Hi Mr Walker

Sorry to hear you're going through multiple challenges. When a partner finds their form of escapism, like alcohol, it can be so triggering when you feel like you're trying to manage a lot of the challenges on your own.

Yes, that claim to fame, I can relate. My husband still tells people on occasion that I used to be able to drink any guy under the table. To be honest, back in the day this was something I was insanely proud of. Much prefer to leave that part of my life in the past, where it belongs. My current sense of pride comes from progressive self development, not self destruction. Maybe it could put things into better perspective for your wife if you mention 'What you're proud of is your ability to put enough toxins into your body to the point where it can take it days to fully recover from overwhelming dis-ease'. Gee, the body's a resilient thing, until it gives up on us.

It's true, giving up drinking is different for everyone. For some it's incredibly hard, for others it's incredibly easy. For me, giving up the booze was a breeze. When my brain changed beyond depression, I couldn't tolerate the smell of alcohol. It's like my brain/body was thoroughly repulsed by it. As time went on, I eventually found I was able to drink but also found I was still a binge drinker. This is why I consciously manage not drinking. Binging turns me into who I don't want to be.

I believe it doesn't matter how much you try leading a drinker to imagine what they're like when they're drunk, if they can't imagine what you're telling them or they refuse to imagine it, not much may change. My 18yo daughter is fed up with her father and is about to reveal to him the audio recordings she's made over time, that involve him going on some drunk rant about stuff. He refuses to imagine he's that bad. He's about to get a wake up call, on top of the one I've just given him. I'll share it with you in the hope that it helps you in the way forward...

I said to him, among other things 'I have now reached the point where I refuse to repeat the same destructive cycles. I have now chosen 2 paths. One is the path where you make conscious decisions and changes in your life. The other is the path where we (the kids and I) leave you to live the way you choose to live. You still have a choice in which path I choose. Choose wisely'. I believe we must have something to look forward to, either way. We must look forward to a difference, as opposed to the same cycles repeating.

🙂

Partner's drinking affecting relationship

Mr_Walker — Mon, 12 Jul 2021 02:44:17 GMT

Thanks Geoff. Yes I've worried about her drinking coming up in the foster issue.. especially because there is some conflict and some vindictive people involved...

And yes it's hard as an ex-drinker - I know how hellish it was for me and it's a bit like going through it again having to watch it...

Really helpful being able to talk about it here though! Thanks everyone!

Partner's drinking affecting relationship

Mr_Walker — Mon, 12 Jul 2021 02:53:10 GMT

Thanks therising - yes I had the same experience - it was REALLY easy to quit (much easier than when I quit smoking - though I expected it to be much harder). And ever since, I've had a very strong aversion to it - the smell makes me nauseous! It's kind of like kryptonite!

And yes I feel a bit of resentment when she cops out and gets drunk and I have to deal with all the family dramas and be the family Uber etc..!

I understand it because I used to do the same years ago but we're in our mid 40s now - she went to a party the other day and she's slept for two days to get over it...

I guess I KNEW I couldn't cut down - I had to stop altogether, I think she thinks she can manage it but it's really not working.

Partner's drinking affecting relationship

Mr_Walker — Mon, 12 Jul 2021 03:11:34 GMT

I think the other thing is, because it was so easy to give up - I've always had a fear (almost a superstition) that there would be some sort of price to pay later - a sort of karma - I think it's partly why I'm SO averse to alcohol - I guess I'm kind of scared of going back to drinking - I've never had the inclination but there's definitely a fear there.

Im also similarly scared of going off my Anxiety meds - I just can NOT go back to how unbearable life was back then...

Partner's drinking affecting relationship

Mr_Walker — Mon, 12 Jul 2021 12:58:18 GMT

Well we had a bit of a breakthrough today - not sure how we'll go but she has said she doesn't want to drink and is going to try to stop. Which is probably further than we've got before...

Thankyou to everyone here - it felt a bit hopeless before talking about it - I still don't know what's going to happen in the future but it's definitely some progress where I didn't feel like there was going to be any..

Partner's drinking affecting relationship

geoff — Mon, 12 Jul 2021 16:52:25 GMT

Hello Mr Walker, and thanks therising your reply was good.

When she says that she wants to stop, that's great but with all alcoholics 'the proof is in the pudding', and I only say that not to be mean, but wonder how she will be able to cope when difficult decisions need to be made or go against how she actually feels herself.

Her doctor can prescribe some medication which takes away any urge to drink, I've tried it, but she has to have a big glass of fizzy drink, lemonade or tonic water that fills her belly up and have something to eat, this doesn't encourage someone to drink and the medication certainly helps, if she decides to drink while taking these pills, then she won't benefit from the alcohol at all, in other words, it's wasting money on grog, plus there is no point taking them every second day because the alcohol will finally win.

Can I ask whether or not she has given you an explanation why she wants to stop, only answer if you want to and also wonder how she is going to feel if all the alcohol in the house is removed, that you can see and not hidden elsewhere in any bottles or cans or even outside, although you will notice if she has been drinking.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

Partner's drinking affecting relationship

Mr_Walker — Tue, 13 Jul 2021 08:32:08 GMT

Hi Geoff, yes it's a small step so far and it's a long process ahead... But she hasn't said she wants to STOP before, only that she wants to cut down or have a break - so it's some kind of progress - I mean I THINK she's agreeing that cutting down hasn't or isn't going to work..

We haven't talked about WHY she wants to stop yet.. But yes it will be hard next time there's a birthday or a particularly stressful day or any of the other excuses we make for ourselves!

Partner's drinking affecting relationship

geoff — Tue, 13 Jul 2021 17:13:04 GMT

Hello Mr Walker, it is good she says she wants to stop, but if this hasn't happened before, then she doesn't the trials and tribulations of what it's going to involve, especially when faced with difficult decisions that may affect how she feels, or as you say when there is a time to celebrate.

It could be awkward at the beginning but hopefully, she will learn along the way.

Best wishes.

Geoff.