topic My wife admitted cheating on me. I’m lost in Relationship and family issues

My wife admitted cheating on me. I’m lost

Clint82 — Mon, 12 Feb 2018 07:12:18 GMT

Hi.

I found out last night that my wife has cheated on me.

We were living apart for the reason of me getting my head in the right space due to suffering from depression and anxiety. I did not want my wife to have to deal with my crippling anxiety attacks and depression episodes that left me house bound and bed ridden. I did not feel it was fair on her or my young son.

During the time we were apart, we were still married. Spent nights together, family outings, nights away etc. plan was for me to move back into the family home in the new year.

last November I was away and she went out with her girlfriends. When messaging that night I asked her what she was doing and she told me she was watching tv at home when actually, (now I know), she was out at a pub/club with her friends. She met a guy and they kissed and shared numbers.

In the months after they met up a couple of times and messaged/spoke/snapchatted. Just before Christmas she had him come over to the house whilst my son was at kinder. At this time they had sex in our bed.

Just after New Year’s Day, (as I was making arrangements to move back home), she told me she wasn’t sure what she wanted anymore. I questioned her if there was another man and she denied denied denied. For 3 weeks I was a mess. Not sure if I was going to be with my wife again and not sure how I would live without her. Australia Day weekend she said she was happy to make it work.

numerous times I have asked her if there was anyone else and she looked me in the eyes and promised me there had not been.

Last night, 11 feb, I got a number of calls from a private number. I eventually answered and was told by an unknown man what my wife had been doing. I came back to bed and asked her about it. It took her a bit but she admitted to it. She then told me she wanted to tell me but was not sure how or when.

Her reasoning is that she was lost and not sure where we were at although we had discussed the move back in and also having another child this year.

she tells me she is extremely sorry and promises it will never happen again.

I love her but I’m not sure if I can get past this. I’m not sure if she’s only sorry because she got caught? Is this the only time?

I feel empty, worthless and not sure what the point of being here anymore is.

all the work I’ve done to deal with my depression and anxiety, feels like it was for nothing. I did it for my wife and son. I feel like it was a waste of time.

Feeling confused and conflicted.

My wife admitted cheating on me. I’m lost

white knight — Mon, 12 Feb 2018 14:09:15 GMT

Hi Clint, welcome.

I cant aduse you to go either way, forgive or reject. Its a decision you have to make. However, this situation is a little different than an affair while in a marriage.

At the time you and her were not together, and that makes it different IMO. She had insecurities and the stress of being a carer?

Normally I'd preach - no way! But I'm hesitant about condemning her. If you do forgive her make sure its 100% and you dont bring it up again. Also I wouldnt leave the family home again- it creates other issues.

Google

Topic: forgiveness and forgetting, the two F's for love- beyondblue

Tony WK

My wife admitted cheating on me. I’m lost

Jessicatherese94 — Tue, 13 Feb 2018 00:25:14 GMT

Hi Clint, I can't imagine what you're going through. Of course it's very painful and difficult to hear that you've been cheated on. If you want to make it work and she's expressed that she's sorry and wants that too you can definitely try and repair the marriage - perhaps through couples counselling or just talking through what's been going on? There is probably a lot of trust that needs to be rebuilt and often a counsellor can really help with something like this. Would that be something you'd like to explore?

My wife admitted cheating on me. I’m lost

bindi-QLD — Wed, 14 Feb 2018 00:45:08 GMT

Hi Clint,

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation:( Betrayal triggers such painful feelings, and you were already struggling with depression and anxiety. That's so hard for you, feeling pushed back into the black hole you were struggling to dig yourself out of. I feel its going to be rough for you for a while, and self care is going to be very important. If you have a psychologist that you can see, please do that. I know its hard to look after yourself when you are so low, but its important to do your best. This pain does pass, you just have survive it.

Having had experienced more betrayal than I would have preferred, I would like to help you with some suggestions.

First thing, is its really important to get control over your black and white thinking and panic-induced thinking, that cause your feelings to spiral out of control: Here are some examples, which we all feel when we've been betrayed:

`she cheated once, maybe she'll do it again or always cheated'.....another perspective may be to consider what were the circumstances, are they likely to occur again? Clint, like Tony mentioned, you do have a fairly extenuating circumstances to explain what happened. You were technically separated, and your wife was alone caring for your young child . I would say its fairly certain you could trust that those circumstances had a lot to do with what happened. You have the power to change how you deal with your depression. Leaving your family and responsibilities behind you impacted your marriage, and caused you even more pain. Are there other options you've considered? Its very important to have these discussions with your wife.

`I am worthless and unlovable' .... This is the most painful thinking of all. Almost everyone who is betrayed feels this way. I find you have to force yourself not to indulge these thoughts. Its simply untrue, and you will spiral down the more you let yourself think like that. Shut those thoughts down.

`I can't trust my partner'.....This is a hard one. You do need work together as a team to rebuild trust, it can't be a solo effort . Boundaries and transparency with things like phone and email do help a lot in the beginning. Perhaps the best perspective to have is to realize there are still a lot of things you can trust about your partner. Things about her nature, and capabilities. All you know for certain is she was untrustworthy when you left her to raise your child on her own.

I really wish you the best, please take good care X

My wife admitted cheating on me. I’m lost

Clint82 — Wed, 14 Feb 2018 07:30:49 GMT

Thank you for the replies. I may not have explained myself entirely well. Being that when I wrote this thread my train of thought is very jumbled.

Ues I was not living at the family home full time. But my responsibilities for my family were not forgotten or entirely neglected.

At the time that this occurred, now pinpointed to the 2 weeks prior to Xmas, I had spent a fair amount of time back in our home. We were talking about OUR plans for the new year which included having another baby which we already have names picked out for. It is pretty well established that when I went away for Work she had this man come to the house possibly that same day.

She has said to me that she was ashamed and knew she did the wrong thing the same day that it occurred. My thought process now is if she was ashamed of the event nearly 2 months ago why has she only just stoped being in contact with him last weekend? This makes me wonder what her intentions were and if it was more than once. It’s clear that they had formed some kind of bond and relationship of sorts. Although now it seems that the guy was really only after 1 thing from her. Which also hurts me to know that he used my wife as a conquest, possibly.

my wife was the 1 person that I had 100% trust in from day 1. And after the relationship I was in prior, that is very important to me, but not once did she give me a reason to doubt her or mistrust her. Until now. I am concerned that I may never fully trust her again. I am pretty sure I can forgive her but I do not think I can forget.

i am worried that this will be a wedge between us forever. And can we make it work.

My wife admitted cheating on me. I’m lost

bindi-QLD — Wed, 14 Feb 2018 09:16:11 GMT

Dear Clint82,

Its perfectly reasonable not to forget what you learned. Its part of your life experience and ultimately empowering. I find that if you are experiencing mistrust, its best to ask for reassurances, and for you to define them. You may only need them for a little while. The purpose of reassurance is that you can see evidence of her being trustworthy, and each time you see it with your own eyes, you will feel more assured and it will improve your relationship. I've been through it in my current relationship; once you've been through betrayal `magical thinking' type trust is not an option. You need to see evidence to feel trust again.

As an example, you could ask for evidence in the form of having access to her communications. Email, facebook, phone, all of it. Its not so you can be a crazy stalker, its for the purpose of you checking when you feel the need, and seeing evidence that she is who she says she is. That's what rebuilds trust - the evidence you see.

If she agrees to this, and she probably will, just give it few months. You will feel your balance again, and see your wife in a more positive light.

But yes, never forget what you learned. Its valuable and empowering. Try to articulate to her, what you really need to trust her again.Think it out, its not easy, but very important.

My wife admitted cheating on me. I’m lost

geoff — Thu, 15 Feb 2018 17:08:25 GMT

hi Clint, your post is very upsetting because the trust you had with her has been broken, especially when you were still part of the family and had plans for another baby.

The biggest problem is that it was something you never expected to happen, believing that you had nothing to worry about.

When I thought my wife was having an affair it made my ring her at work and query any reason why she may have been doing something, like ringing somebody from a public phone booth a couple of times and she rang someone when we were away on holiday.

The trouble is she wouldn't tell me who she was ringing, and that created doubt.

I agree with you when you say you can forgive her but not forget what's happened by checking the bank statements for unusual items or phone numbers that continually appear on your statement and if there are no problems then the trust can slowly be built back. Geoff.

My wife admitted cheating on me. I’m lost

Clint82 — Mon, 19 Feb 2018 16:47:20 GMT

Hi guys. Thank you all for the words. They have been helpful. The more I’ve thought about things I have come to realize this was not an act of cheating but it was in fact an affair.

more information has come to light.

Prior to the one time, (so I’m told 1 time), act of sleeping together, my wife was going to introduce our son to this man. I actually think this devastated me more than the sleeping with him. With the advice of perhaps asking for full transparency of Phone and email I asked to see some messages between my wife and one of her close friends. After fighting very hard she agreed to show me. It was clear that a lot of messages had been deleted but a few remained. Her relating what the other guy had said. For example when she told him she was dying of boredom and him telling her what he’d like to do to her that would fix the boredom. Calling her babe with xxx after it. And my wife telling her friend she was taking my son to the beach and she really wanted to invite this guy. Also all the times he asked her out but she couldn’t go because too hard to explain to me where she was going. And the bit where he told her that she needed to make a choice between me or him as he was not going to wait forever. This was right before she told me she needed to think about things, which mind you was the day before the anniversary of our still born daughter. It also shows how her friends were encouraging her to continue the affair, although I believe they are not aware that she slept with him.

I feel like I was perhaps just an easier choice to stay with as I’m familiar, I work my ass off so she doesn’t have to work, we have a son together which would be difficult Through separation and that getting a divorce feels like a failure.

Today is our 7th wedding anniversary. I’m not even sure I can say happy anniversary to her. We are meant to be going away this weekend to celebrate. Every time the reminder comes up on my phone or the hotel emails me to remind me I just cry. I dont know if I can say the words happy anniversary to her. She wants me to. She just wants me to forget this happened and move on. I dont know that I can. This will always be there. My anxiety will play on it all the time.

urrrrrrgh. I feel so lost.

My wife admitted cheating on me. I’m lost

geoff — Mon, 19 Feb 2018 18:35:34 GMT

hi Clint, I'm really sorry once again for you because to try and overcome cheating is different than to overcome an affair.

You can't blame yourself because as soon as you do, then all the other things you might have disagreed with will come to mind and they will mount up causing negative thoughts and maybe repetitive.

When I was served the papers I was truly devastated, the love of my life couldn't live with me any longer, but after awhile I began a new life, I couldn't go back nor could I stay and I couldn't continue the way I was, I had to change and that's what happened, I did a full circle and changed everything I did.

It takes two people to make a relationship and if she wants you to try and put this behind you then she can do the same, turn the page and start a new chapter. Geoff.

My wife admitted cheating on me. I’m lost

bindi-QLD — Tue, 20 Feb 2018 03:33:34 GMT

Hi Clint,

I have been in similar situations, and I can't think of a pain much more terrible than that .I'm so sorry you're going through it, your feelings are so raw and you don't know what to do. I remember having similar feelings, like I was used, lost self worth, lack of trust .

Clint, you don't have to make any rash decisions, you can take your time with this. Only you can decide if you want to try patching this up or not, but maybe consider giving it a little while to see what is possible and what you really want?

Hugs, I'm sorry for your pain

My wife admitted cheating on me. I’m lost

Clint82 — Tue, 20 Feb 2018 08:46:22 GMT

Bindi and Geoff thankyou for your words. This thread is helping keep me sane.

I am trying to have a day without talking about this with my wife. It’s hard. But getting there.

My wife admitted cheating on me. I’m lost

bindi-QLD — Tue, 20 Feb 2018 09:08:49 GMT

Clint, I don't know if this really helps, since every situation is different. But the last time I went through betrayal, I decided I wanted to patch it up because they showed a lot of remorse and I did believe our relationship was very valuable to both of us.

I looked for people who had gone through it online, just as you have. What I found is its normal to still have questions afterwards, a lot of them. You don't have shut yourself down, or your pain. Its normal to express your pain in front of your partner and ask questions that make them feel uncomfortable. They may prefer to escape all the guilt, but you are still where you are, devastated. You do have to move on eventually, but that's later down the road.

I found the way I communicated helped. Sometimes you just can't help getting mad. But when it came to dealing with feeling worthless and depressed, I found it helped most just to say to my partner `I feel worthless and depressed, I really need to talk can you help me please ?'. And then just pour out your feelings, try not to guilt trip. If your partner is worth anything, they will say `sorry', a lot, and hug you through your tears. It really does help.

There are moments when you do this, when you see it register on their faces, that they get it. That they hurt you and you matter and they care. Those moments do help to rebuild your trust.

Later, you can look at the problems. Was there relationship stress, were either of you unhappy, how can you fix it together? Maybe you can, maybe you cannot. But that's later. Right now, don't hide your pain, ask her for the help you need. To listen to you, to reassure you. She may or may not give it to you, and that will help you gauge what she is worth to you.

I'm so sorry, its just so painful, I know there's nothing worse. I promise you, you will survive it though. Just one day at a time.

Hugs X

My wife admitted cheating on me. I’m lost

Clint82 — Tue, 20 Feb 2018 10:46:15 GMT

Bindi

thank you. That is how I feel. Although when I talk or ask questions she gets angry and yells, says I’ve answered everything, says I don’t know or tries to turn it back on me. I feel she has no right to get angry with me as I am not the one who had the affair. She says that she’s said she’s sorry. I don’t really see the remorse on her face at all. I still feel that it will be me doing the work to keep us together.

My wife admitted cheating on me. I’m lost

bindi-QLD — Tue, 20 Feb 2018 20:50:02 GMT

Dear Clint,

Hugs, I really hear you. I found it such a difficult time too, when its all still very raw for you, and they want to stop talking about it. We had lots fights too. I remember feeling like I was in such a deep hole, I couldn't work out what i needed even.

Like you, I felt like I needed to see a lot of remorse for the main specific actions that hurt, not a general `sorry' . Its frustrating when they lie or defend themselves, isn't it? You can't get what you really need, when they want to shut the conversation down.

My partner's evasiveness softened after a while, he said that he was scared if he really copped to what he did , I would leave him. But we did start being about to talk about it. It was gradual though. After a few months, I hadn't left leave and he started to be able to talk about some details, and show the remorse I needed to see. That's why I say give it a bit of time. They are very scared too.

What you can do in the mean time though, is ask for the comfort you need so much. You know those times when you feel so low, lost and you feel like crying? Those times you can go to your wife and ask for a hug and reassurance. To really get that comfort, I found it was important to not talk about the details and thoughts. That's a separate conversation, for another time. I got more of the comfort I needed when I mainly spoke about how I feel in the moment, and what I was afraid of. And asking to hold their hand or for a hug makes it even more comforting.

Is that comfort something you are able ask of your wife, do you think?

My wife admitted cheating on me. I’m lost

Clint82 — Wed, 21 Feb 2018 06:45:44 GMT

Bindi thank you. I hear what you are saying. It’s very hard not to think of the details. Especially at home. Currently I’m sitting on the couch where they started and then I go to bed where it continued. Arrrghhhh. In this lounge room is family pictures of us and our little boy plus our wedding photo and her framed bouquet. I feel I can’t look at them. Especially the wedding side. 😞.

Yesterday being our wedding anniversary I made a very conscious effort not to talk about it. But it ate at me a lot.

Friday we are meant to have a romantic 2 nights in the city in a suite with amazing views. She still wants to go. I don’t know that I can. I feel like I want to take my 4wd and motorbikes and go bush for the weekend. Just to be away from it all. But for some reason I feel guilty.

Comfort? Yeah she will give me comfort. However I now question how genuine it is. I really do not know what’s real and what to believe.

My wife admitted cheating on me. I’m lost

Moey83 — Sat, 01 Sep 2018 05:31:32 GMT

Hey Clint

Hope this message finds you in a better way than the last you were writing on here......
I fully understand everything that you are going through as in August 2011 I discovered my wife cheating on me.
It took me roughly around 5 years of consistent investigation through phone records emails Facebook old phones pictures man you name it I went through it.
The reason behind the length of time was because she would deny deny lie make up stories etc...
I drove myself into the ground literally. Mentally I was messed up!I ended up finding out about 12-15 guys she had either slept with had a affair with one for a year and a half
Brought them to my house in my bed on my lounge in the bathroom in front of the girls.

Your probably wondering were I was ? I was a fifo worker who literally was begging her to stop blowing money on rubbish as I didn't want to be away from home and that went on for the last 2years were every month the bank account was back on 0
I now realize why and we're the money was going.

Anyway I ended up giving up on yeah number 13or 14 .
When I was able to prove that she was having a affair with only the first one I tried to leave with my bag and she would not let me do it.
She screamed yelled crying and by then the neighbors had called the cops they came after I had gone

Not knowing I would come back to the house to get more things and find nearly my entire family there I asked what they were doing and they replied "the police are looking for you as apparently your running around with a handgun and you have just taken off after beating your wife.

Couple of hours later my front door came down with police everywhere arresting me and raiding my house......
She would stand on top of me and was crying! I asked if she was happy now? Then somehow accidentally copped a boot in the head!!! I was lucky enough that the size of me was double the size of my wife and the domestic violence officer came and asked if it's this guy (me) who had hit her? She called my wife in and asked her to do a strip search and noted that there was not a single mark bruises or any kind of injury on her body.

So not only did she sleep with all those people she tried to get me locked up!!! Till this day I still ask why she didn't just go ? Why would you try get me locked up?

My wife admitted cheating on me. I’m lost

Clint82 — Mon, 17 Jun 2019 12:35:11 GMT

Hey guys I’m back unfortunately.

so after a lot of soul searching last feb/March I forgave my wife of the affair. I did say that I couldn’t forget and said it maybrear it’s head again. She promised not to lie to me again or cheat on me. She promised to speak to me if she was feeling neglected, alone etc.

fast forward to March 2019. After a hiccup last year, we decided to try for another baby in the new year. In March 2019 she came to me with the test and said she was pregnant. I was happy. We were excited. We did the doctors and ultrasound. She’s had the stitch in her cervix as she has troubles carrying a baby. however, whilst playing a game on her phone a friend of hers, (new of less than 12 months), asks how she went at the doctors. Now we don’t tell people early on about our pregnancy after having a miscarriage at 16 weeks and a stillborn at 21 weeks. I asked her if she had told anyone and she said no. At this stage she would’ve been approx 8/9 weeks pregnant, we hadn’t even told her parents or our son yet. I asked her 3 more times over the next month and she finally admitted telling her friend. I asked why she was lying to me and her response was she didn’t want to lie to her friend so she lied to me. Of course after all that happened with her affair in 2017/2018 I questioned her loyalty. My concern being she was more worried about lying to her friend than her husband. We had an argument where at the start of it she told me to pack my shit and leave. She asked if I cared if she loses the baby and I replied I don’t care about the baby at the moment as I want to sort us out. (Bad choice of words for what I meant). She then said she would raise the baby alone. I asked do I take no responsibility for it? She also said what don’t you think I can go out and get pregnant to just anyone.

so now, I gave her some space as requested. The Wednesday after mother’s day she text me saying marriage over. The following Monday after days of trying to contact her I asked if I could have our son overnight on the Wednesday. Pick him up from school and then drop him off the following morning. She went to the police and filed for an intervention order. Claiming emotional abuse, financial control and that I would take our son away from her.

She now won’t talk to me. It’s been 4 weeks since she filed for the order. I haven’t seen my family for over 5 weeks. I’m an absolute mess. I do not know what to do. I live for my family. I’m nothing without them.

My wife admitted cheating on me. I’m lost

Red_Pill — Mon, 24 Jun 2019 00:08:10 GMT

Hi Clint82

What i will say to you will fly in the face of everything you have heard above. It is very likely that your wife is a highly manipulative person with strong narcissistic tendencies, inflated sense of entitlement and disregard for boundaries.

What has been suggested so far wont work for a simple reason. It requires a person, your wife, with a strong sense of integrity and empathy. Everything you have mentioned indicates that she is lacking those. It is also probable that the affair or affairs have been ongoing since last year. Time will tell, but you being booted out and strong measures taken against you indicates that she is implementing a plan already considered in advance.

If you continue to blame yourself, you have nothing to apologise for nor do you need to engage in incessant introspection or self flagellation to satisfy people's warped sense of morality, you will go down a spiral that will take you a long time to crawl back out of. What your wife did has nothing to do with you. It is a character deficit on her part. Do yourself a favour and start looking back at her behaviour from the beginning of you guys dating and start to recognise patterns. Whatever you do, do not go down the path suggested above. It will prolong your agony, low self esteem and sense of worthlessness. This old decrepit model of couple counselling where cheaters' needs are equated to the abused spouses, continuously encouraged to pursue 'perspective' at all costs and to engage in destructive self criticism is fast coming to an end. It is an industry promoted and prolonged by counsellors who make good living out of it. Reconciliation rates for such relationships are abysmal. The model does not work.

I would suggest visiting chumplady.com to get a better understanding of what has been happening to you. The level of abuse and manipulation in situations like yours are mind-boggling and the victim has no way of discerning what's going on without taking a step back and looking at the situation rationally. You will also need to talk to people who have been in your shoes.

I was in your shoes once so i know exactly what you are going through. Also start looking into character aggressive disorder, narcissism and disregard for boundaries. Boundaries are extremely important and i am willing to make a bet with you, your missus does not acknowledge them. Start paying attention to details and incongruence of her behaviour from her image projection.

Good luck