topic Help- I need strength to leave my partner in Relationship and family issues

Help- I need strength to leave my partner

Guest_926 — Sun, 08 Jul 2018 21:22:58 GMT

Hi, I need some help and support. I have been with my partner for 2.5 years and have lived with him for most of that time. I was single for a long time before I met him; was in an abusive marriage for 12 years. I am insecure and do not trust easily. But he was so loving and still is at times, I thought I’d found my perfect partner. After a few months I found out he had been communicating with past girlfriends and was on multiple dating websites. He’d even contacted a woman on one. He assured me he would wipe his past and we started counselling. My trust was broken. He was eager to buy property together and get married. I held off the marriage but bought land with him. We have been under a lot of stress due to work and trying to blend families successfully. He is reasonably nice to my kids but complains they do nothing to help out. We are back in counselling as he pushed me a few times and I called the police. It doesn’t seem to be helping. He blames me for all our problems; he has tried to contact his past girlfriends a few more times and has met with one of his ex-wives to discuss our relationship which I had asked him not to do. I often wonder if he is a narcissist. Reading about it I can see some traits in him. We have a few good days and it’s so loving and wonderful but then I’ll say something he doesn’t like and won’t speak to me for days. This happens all the time and has been our story. I have reached out to his third wife to get some insight on what I thought was true - he cheated on his wives and lied. He has the potential to be quite horrible when drinking so I asked him not to drink much and he did agree but in the last two months he has started to go out with work colleagues (mainly women) and drink. It’s hard to express what I’m feeling. Basically some times he treats me so wonderfully but he can’t sustain it. Then he blames me and doesn’t speak to me for days. He is very negative about things at times and mopes about. He always talks about himself and will often cut me off. My psychologist is of the thought he won’t change and I need to leave. There’s been so many times he has lied to me or contacted other women or not spoken to me for days. I’m so confused. In my gut I know I have to leave; I think he will become mean if he finds out my plan. I’m worried how I will move everything out in one day. I don’t have many people to help. I can’t pack beforehand as he’ll know. But then he is quite loving. I need help to stick to my plan to go.

Help- I need strength to leave my partner

Peppermintbach — Sun, 08 Jul 2018 22:08:15 GMT

Hi Gilmore,

What a brave post. Thank you so much for sharing a little about yourself. I feel you have been through so much...

You sound as though you’re feeling betrayed, self doubting, drained and lonely. Broken trust is very painful...finding out that how he has been talking to exes must have really hurt.

His behaviour sounds so confusing and very self focused too. Loving one minute then he does a 180, the next minute. I feel this must leave you with such little stability...

Also, I feel pushing you was (and is) definitely not okay. So I’m very glad you called the police. That shows a lot of courage..

Speaking of courage, I feel you’re very brave to make the difficult decision to walk away/leave him. I know it couldn’t have been an easy decision.

I don’t know your financial situation but I was wondering if you could possibly call removalists beforehand to help you with the move on the day. Make it faster and easier that way...I’ve heard that there are some removalists companies who offer free moving services to people who have experienced domestic violence so this is something you might like to look into as well.

Also, I would suggest looking up 1800 RESPECT online; they have a 24 helpline and they focus on helping anyone who has experienced or is at risk of family violence.

You might also find the Penda app helpful. It’s a free app that has info and referral services for legal and financial help plus personal safety assistance for women who have experienced domestic violence. It was developed by Women’s Legal Service Queensland. That said, only download it if you have secure access to your phone...

Once again, I feel you’re very courageous. Let us know how things go as we would like to continue supporting you...

Kind and caring thoughts,

Pepper

Help- I need strength to leave my partner

Guest_926 — Sun, 08 Jul 2018 22:20:14 GMT

Hi Pepper, thank you for reply. I am so confused I don’t know what a ‘normal loving’ relationship should look like but I don’t think I’m in one. I’m so sad but I know I have to leave. I have to try and act normal so he doesn’t suspect anything. I can’t believe I’ve put myself and my kids in this position.

Help- I need strength to leave my partner

Peppermintbach — Sun, 08 Jul 2018 22:42:04 GMT

Hi Gilmore,

It’s good to hear from you again. None of this is your fault. If we want to blame anyone, i believe that should fall on your partner...

I feel people like your partner play mind games with their hot-cold (loving/abusive) tendencies. It’s part of their way to confuse and control...

For now, maybe just focus on your safety and sticking it out with leaving. You can do this. I believe in you.

Come up with a plan...maybe use some of the services and apps I suggested above with the plan. As I said, you can do this...

We are here cheering you on.

Pepper

Help- I need strength to leave my partner

Peppermintbach — Sun, 08 Jul 2018 22:45:26 GMT

Hi again,

I think you’re very brave. Leaving and planning to leave is hard. I have faith in you...you’re stronger than you know. Do this for yourself...you deserve better.

Pepper

Help- I need strength to leave my partner

monkey_magic — Mon, 09 Jul 2018 00:15:26 GMT

Hi Gilmore29,

I understand your predicament and I'm sorry. Theyre not always who we think they are. They show us love and then abuse, so I can understand the confusion. Pushing you, ignoring you, blaming you, cheating and other things, I'm assuming the trust has been broken and it's not OK.

I've packed up and left before. I did it when he was at work.

I'd listen to your gut. And I'd do what Pepper suggested and call the DV line. They were super helpful to me. Good luck.

Help- I need strength to leave my partner

Guest_926 — Mon, 09 Jul 2018 00:40:59 GMT

Thank you. This is by far much harder than I thought it would be. Trying to coordinate everything in secret, maintaining the facade of wanting to be with him, and then being so confused by his loving behaviour. I have turned into a person I don’t like; checking up on him, looking through emails/texts etc... it is definitely behaviour he has repeated over the years. I’m so very sad and confused but I have already set the wheels in motion to move out. I guess I now just need to keep reassuring myself it is the right decision. I don’t think it is a healthy relationship.

Help- I need strength to leave my partner

Jigsaw9 — Mon, 09 Jul 2018 04:19:42 GMT

Gilmore

I admire you for your courage. Things like this are never easy, we just hope that it will be worth it in the end. He does tick many boxes of a narcissist. Narcissistic relationships are very hurtful as they often invoilve people you love. This makes it hurt even more.

Call 1800RESPECT is a good start. Your psychologist will know your situation better then me here, and if he told you to leave then i can only encourage that. As you have bought property together, i hope it is as less messy as possible.

You told me he spoke to his 3rd wife. I am assuming that at best you are his 4th serious relationship. Sometimes it is good for us to step back and ask ourselves what went wrong previously? Has he learnt from past problems and made it better?

With regard to moving, you can do something like post it on airtasker or a similar site/app. There you can specify your exact requirements and i am sure you will find a team willing to help you.

Hope this helps and keep us posted

Help- I need strength to leave my partner

Peppermintbach — Mon, 09 Jul 2018 22:19:34 GMT

Hi Gilmore and a wave to all your caring supporters here (excellent posts!),

Yes, this would be so hard. It will probably be one of the most difficult (but bravest) things you’ll ever do. Leaving an abusive relationship is never easy...

I say do what you need to do to survive and do whatever you need to do to go ahead with your plan to leave. I don’t feel you’re “turning into” anything; you’re someone who has been hurt and left confused so many times who is, right now, trying to regain control of her own life again. Of course this whole thing is confusing, scary and unsettling.

Yes, keep reassuring yourself. You can do this. As you’ve said, you’ve already started so you just need to follow through. We will be here cheering you on...

Write as much as you like. Feel free to vent, express fears, ask questions, etc. We are all listening and empathising...

Supporting you in spirit and cheering you on.

Pepper

Help- I need strength to leave my partner

Jigsaw9 — Mon, 09 Jul 2018 23:17:29 GMT

Well said peppermintbach!

Just wanted to thank you also on your input to the forums here. If everyone in the world was like you, the world will be a much better place.

How you holding up Gilmore? How are things going for you? hope all is well...

Help- I need strength to leave my partner

Guest_926 — Mon, 09 Jul 2018 23:19:04 GMT

Thank you. It’s quite hard as he has returned from being away and I’m trying to be ‘normal’ but I’m so sad. I realise I too am at fault as fighting doesn’t happen in a vacuum but it’s just so frequent. He can be so loving at times and I feel so lucky but then when we are not talking it’ll last for a few days. I don’t trust him and even when things are great I wonder how long it will be until he does something else. He claims he seeks out his exes to try and work out what’s wrong with him. I don’t know what a normal relationship should look like. Is seeking out exes and not getting along/talking every other week for a few days and making me feel like he isn’t choosing me sometimes with his choices a normal relationship? I am so confused. If it was a healthy relationship would I be so confused? I’m looking at a house today with the plan to move in 2 weeks. What if I’m making a mistake and he is the right one for me? He has had 3 wives and a few girlfriends before me. We are only in our mid 40’s. Is that unusual for a man our age? With each one he has built a house and married quickly. He wanted the same thing with me only I kept him at bay with the marriage side of it. Thankfully our land settles next week (it sold). Is that normal behaviour?

Help- I need strength to leave my partner

Jigsaw9 — Mon, 09 Jul 2018 23:27:36 GMT

Gilmore

Strange things happen at any age. I don't think however that exes can help him sort himself out. He needs professional help. Constant arguing is never a good thing in any relationship. Congratulations on the sale of the house and the plan to move. I think it will help you having a little time to your own to think things through. Perhaps if you miss each other you will come back stronger.

Help- I need strength to leave my partner

monkey_magic — Tue, 10 Jul 2018 00:26:44 GMT

I think to be in a " normal" relationship u have to be with a " normal" guy that has open communication, doesn't hide things and who u feel " secure" with. Being with a narcissist rings alarm bells for me. I guess you have to weigh the pros and cons and figure out whether u want to remain in this relationship long term or leave it. I left mine because of the abuse. It hurt. And hurting someone isn't an act of love. It is so confusing when they have different sides. A normal relationship is built on trust and u don't have that with him. I too felt so lucky because of how much love he showed me but he was also a monster with a lot of issues. He hid things from me and was cheating too....

Do u know why it didn't work out with the other wives and girlfriend's? This might give u all the answers you are looking for.

Help- I need strength to leave my partner

Guest_926 — Tue, 10 Jul 2018 00:42:59 GMT

He cheated on his first two wives. I spoke to the third one on the weekend and she left because of his mental health issues and how they were impacting on her and her children. He was also drinking quite a lot. She isn’t aware of whether he cheated on her or not. He did move on quite quickly. I don’t encourage drinking at home so I haven’t seen what she was seeing. However, he has started drinking with work people at the end of the week. We are in counselling as a result of him pushing me. I’m not sure it’s working, the nicer times are now longer than before but i still just wonder. I know I have trust and insecurity issues that I bring into the relationship but he hasn’t helped the situation by trying to contact exes... I check his emails, text messages, phone, computer and haven’t found any other evidence of cheating. I’ll be buggered if I know what the right thing is to do. I’ve tried to contact my counsellor and my pyschologist today but they’re pretty busy. We have an appointment tomorrow together and I have one on my own Thursday.

Help- I need strength to leave my partner

Lily78 — Tue, 10 Jul 2018 01:03:08 GMT

Ending a relationship is always going to be hard. From what you have mentioned in your post, I want to give you all the strength I can from afar. Without knowing the whole situation, I'm still fairly convinced you should part. If a person is willing to change or give a relationship all they have, they will. Actions speak louder than words.

I have been in similar situations, and continued to try and try right up until my own mental health was seriously affected. My regret now is giving these chances. When trust is gone it is gone. And you can't change a person. It sounds like your partner needs to see a counsellor to deal with some of his past.

I am here if you need someone to vent too. Please look after yourself and be strong. I think you know what you have to do. You just need to be brave and follow through.

Help- I need strength to leave my partner

Peppermintbach — Tue, 10 Jul 2018 21:30:24 GMT

Hi Gilmore (and a wave to all your lovely supporters),

I hear the confusion, distress and uncertainty in your latest post. I feel this must be such a stressful time for you.

So I’m extra glad that MM, Jigsaw and Lily have also chimed in with their beautiful support...

Is it okay if I ask how you’re feeling today?

Caring and kind thoughts,

Pepper

Help- I need strength to leave my partner

Jigsaw9 — Tue, 10 Jul 2018 23:56:53 GMT

Gilmore

Hoping you go through with the appointments and get the help you need. We're all here cheering you on.

Help- I need strength to leave my partner

Birdy77 — Wed, 11 Jul 2018 05:13:10 GMT

Dear Gilmore,

You have a beautiful support team in here and i would like to join.

I have replied to you on another thread about narcissistic abuse, and then saw your personal thread here.

We would love to know how it went with the psychologist ... We are behind you and supporting you 100%.

Your life can b e so much better. Someone who treats you this way is not someone you should be with forever.

Strength and courage to you Gilmore.

We're with you.

🌻birdy

Help- I need strength to leave my partner

Guest_926 — Thu, 12 Jul 2018 00:54:48 GMT

Hi thank you all so much. I’m really struggling at the moment. My psychologist says one thing but we see a counsellor together and separately and she is saying we can work through our problems. He has seen her a few times on his own and we went yesterday together. She explains why he has done these things in the past and assured me he truly loves me and just wants me. But it’s so hard. I’m seeing her again today (I’m damaged too from my past) so hopefully I’ll get some clear guidance.

Help- I need strength to leave my partner

Terry73 — Thu, 12 Jul 2018 11:09:02 GMT

Hi Gilmore,

I am not sure I can give advice here, but I just want to give you my support instead, and say that you have many people here that are able to even just listen should you want to get things off your chest.

I hope all goes well, trust in your own feelings, and then make choices based on what will make your life better in the end. Finally, just stick with your decision and never look back in regret, just keep looking forward to that brighter future

Terry