topic Struggling with loss in Relationship and family issues

Struggling with loss

Supportrequired — Mon, 28 May 2018 05:50:38 GMT

Hi All,

Struggling after the man I was seeing decided to end everything due to his current mental state.

I kept pushing the topic on where our "relationship" was going. As we have been seeing each other for 7 months - from a distance. It was hurting me to know he still had single on his Facebook and didn't want to make it official.

He is suffering from depression and anger issues and is seeing a GP - which in my opinion should be referring him to a specialist to treat him adequately, rather than changing antidepressants because they haven't eased the condition.

I have found the breakup very hard as he said he can't give me what I need and there is distance involved. His ex has caused many trust issues for him and he can't wipe her out of his mind as they still share children together.

I have tried to be there for him - as a support person. As he too tried to commit suicide twice last year.

As much as my heart is breaking I wanted to be there for him. But the on and off communication and mixed vibes has caused my mental health to deteriorate.

My anxiety has gone through the roof and I too have had to seek help from my GP. I'm feeling guilt and very lost on what I should do. I think I have ruined any chance we had of being together. The worst thing I did was giving an ultimatum about our "relationship". It's pushed him away.

Any advice will be appreciated.

Struggling with loss

PamelaR — Mon, 28 May 2018 07:59:14 GMT

Hello Supportrequired

Welcome to Beyond Blue forums. You'll find people here are caring, friendly and supportive. It does sound like you're in a difficult place at the moment.

Relationships are hard. It is never easy because they take a lot of work to build and maintain. 7 months isn't very long and perhaps he was feeling a little pressure that he doesn't need. Whereas you are in need of that reassurance.

I'm not a health professional and don't provide professional advice, though I can share with you my experience and knowledge of what's worked for me.

To be honest, when I was in the situation the other person did not want to put 'any effort' into the relationship, then that was okay by me. I moved on. However, I learnt after awhile, I needed to be sure about what it was I wanted from a relationship, e.g. - companionship, friendship, similar/same values (about people, animals and the environment) , willing to hold hands in public, willing to talk through disagreements. So it really wasn't until I sat down and drew up a list of everything I wanted that it became easier to want to build a partnership with someone. I've been with my current hubby for over 30 years.

It's not been easy as we both have PTSD, anxiety and depression. The biggest thing is we both know it, we both talk about it and we are both willing to compromise when necessary. His children will always have a place in his life, as they should do

There are many things you can do for your anxiety levels. Have you had a look at the Beyond Blue homepage? You can do a search for TIPS FOR MANAGING ANXIETY. There is a lot of useful information on this website.

For me, it's important you think about you. You are the priority. Do what is right for your health and wellbeing.

I hope some of this helps you. We'd like to hear how you get on, so let us know when you can.

Kind regards

PamelaR

Struggling with loss

Supportrequired — Mon, 28 May 2018 08:43:25 GMT

Thank you PamelaR.

I was very happy with how it was all progressing. Like you said I just needed the reassurance. Plus it didn't help that I had every man and his dog in my ear about the 'single' status on facebook.

It wasn't me that perused this at all. As I came out of a 5 year relationship and had not been with anyone for 3 years. I've had time to process what I do and don't want in a relationship. But I feel he has not done the same.

He is the right person for me - we clicked instantly. It's just all the sudden things have got too much and I'm easier to drop at this stage. He feels incredibly guilty for it and doesn't feel it's right to lead me on. But I've already developed these immense feelings for him and the break has happened so suddenly. Just not coping with it and all I want to do is talk to him 😞

My GP has given me a week to get myself together as my anxiety is causing terrible tremors in my hands. Plus I have had dark thoughts - something I've never experienced so strongly. It's scared me.

I know time heals. But I really do believe I've lost the one I am meant to be with. I just can't cope with how he is dealing with his issues. But only he can get himself there if he won't let me in to help right now.

Struggling with loss

danahbell — Mon, 28 May 2018 10:40:35 GMT

so, my grandfather recently got diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer. and i know hes going to die, but i dont want him too. im so scared to call him because i think hes not going to remember who i am :'( weve always been super close and ive always been his favourite grandchild. but i dont know how much longer he has. my dad is acting so coldly about it all. my mum wont listen to me when i say i need to talk to someone about how im feeling.

when i try to tell someone how i feel, i get so confused, i start feeling like they done care, and that him dying doesnt really matter. but i miss him so much. im so scared to lose him. i cant be away from my phone with out thinking im going to miss a call from my grandparents saying hes gone. i dont know if im grieveing or not but all i know is i dont want to lose him. im so scared hes gonna die before i get too see him again.

Struggling with loss

geoff — Tue, 29 May 2018 20:02:32 GMT

Hello Supportrequired and Danahbell, welcome to both of you to the site, and I'll first start with Support if I can.

It's so difficult to help someone suffering from depression whether it's a partner or family because their illness has shut them off from the rest of who are trying to help them and that's heartbreaking.

By giving him an ultimatum is a suggestion we sometimes say to people who are helping another person, simply because it may convince them to finally realise that they do need to get the help, but it's hard to say if it actually works, but with each situation does depend on their circumstances.

Time does heal r/ships and with help he may become the friend you want, but because of his depression he could be a different person.

You can still be in touch with him, but at the moment you do need to look after yourself and get help to rationalise these dark thoughts.

Please take care.

Geoff.

Struggling with loss

geoff — Tue, 29 May 2018 20:34:22 GMT

Hi Danahbell. I'm so deeply sorry to hear of your grandfather's condition, I know it must be heartbreaking for you to know of what's going to happen and perhaps if you google 'brain cancer support groups australia', although as you have little support from your parents contact Reachout, Kids Help Line for those under 25 years on 1800 55 1800, but I would like to hear back from you as I had a friend who also had a brain tumour and want to see if I can help you.

Geoff.