topic Scared to ruin what I have in Relationship and family issues

Scared to ruin what I have

Guest_294 — Wed, 24 Oct 2018 05:21:03 GMT

Hi all,

its been a while since I last posted. I’m in a bit of a rush so this will be a quick one. I am currently in the early days of a beautiful new relationship. Everything just feels perfect. We’ve been together now for a month and a half. He is amazing and everything is just cloud nine right now. The only problem is this: in a few weeks, I will be on a plane to America for 3 weeks. 2 weeks after I get back, he is on a plane to Cambodia for a month. I am so scared to lose this. I haven’t been this happy in ages and everything just feels right when I’m with him. What do I do?? I don’t want us to go away for two months, and him get bored or something. my biggest fear is that he will become bored since I told him I want to wait before having sex with him. I want to be more deeply connected to someone before I open myself up like that you know? All advice is appreciated as always

Thanks,

Scared to ruin what I have

Croix — Wed, 24 Oct 2018 12:47:47 GMT

Dear A~

A relationship is a two-person deal, and really needs love on both sides. You cannot stop him becoming bored, irrespective of if you become intimate.

He has to want the relationship to continue and in a way this is a good thing, you get to find out waht each of you is like in less than perfect conditions.

If you both make an effort to remain in contact, and that is not hard, then the time will pass and you will be filling each other in on what has been happening wherever you are.

Anther thing about relationships, well long term ones anyway, is that partners have to talk to each other about serious problems as they crop up. Two heads get better ideas, and are a support for each other. Maybe if you have not already done so a serious talk might be in order, to start the habit off

What do you think?

Croix

Scared to ruin what I have

geoff — Wed, 24 Oct 2018 18:59:55 GMT

Hello A, cloud - 9 isn't it a beautiful feeling.

If the love of each other while you're away, then there won't be any problem because no one breaks that trust, especially when your heart is pounding away with the need to make contact by Skype or by using your mobile is made daily.

No one destroys that trust when you're on cloud-9.

This won't happen if your relationship is so strong.

You can't break that love if you both want to be with each other.

Love to hear back from you.

Geoff.

Scared to ruin what I have

Guest_294 — Wed, 24 Oct 2018 20:59:25 GMT

Thank you both for your responses.

Croix, I definitely agree - there isn’t a whole lot I can do if he is going to become bored with the relationship and I guess I just have to hope and try for the best. The one thing particularly that makes me feel better is that he waited almost 7 months to ask me out because of a whole host of obstacles (I had another boyfriend, we got into a whirl of exams and assignments, I went away for a bit). But the whole time we were...I suppose you’d call it tuning(?). I’m hoping if we can have 7 months of fruitless flirting then we can get through 6 weeks of travel where we’re talking to each other every day. In terms of the serious discussions and the importance of this, we have had a few serious discussions since we started seeing each other. Especially on the intimacy front. But also other things. But I see where you’re coming from. There are certainly a few things I would probably want to talk about before not seeing him for so long. Maybe I’ll have a go at that!

Geoff that is so great to hear as well! I’ve heard from a lot of people that the “honeymoon stage” of a relationship comes to an end quickly and that it’ll all crash and burn (people can be very negative sometimes!) but it is so nice to hear you talking about the hope the relationship lasting. I don’t know that after a month I would say I love him but perhaps I would say I could? i.e. i can certainly see myself falling in love with this guy. It makes me feel a lot better as well that we have already been making plans for next year and for when we return from our respective holidays. We already have a road trip in the works! And it just doesn’t seem all that crazy to be making those plans you know? Like in spite of all our friends saying that we’re crazy to plan so far in advance - it’s like there’s no doubt in either of our minds that we will still be together when those plans roll around?

Many thanks again,

Scared to ruin what I have

geoff — Thu, 25 Oct 2018 01:40:45 GMT

Hello A, and thanks for replying.

You know that when you're on cloud-9, and you make plans for the future together, whether or not these promises to each other come true, then that's an indication of true love.

He waited 7 months to ask you out, I had to do this with my wife of 25 years, but time away will be the test for the two of you, sorry I'm a romantic at heart.

Geoff.

Scared to ruin what I have

Guest_294 — Fri, 11 Jan 2019 23:01:52 GMT

Geoff I must say, I hoped your advice would reign true, but unfortunately, sometimes things happen and life just doesn't want things to work out happily ever after. The few weeks we spent apart showed me something about our relationship: in person, it was wonderful and beautiful and so much fun. Comparably, when we were apart, in different countries, or different states, we never spoke; it was almost as though there was no relationship at those times. That's what made yesterdays decision quite easy for both of us. I found out this holiday that I will be moving away for university in a month, and as soon as I discussed it with him, we both realised that the only way forward was to break up amicably and try to maintain a friendship, rather than engage in a long distance relationship we know wouldn't work and end up resenting each other for it: the choice was inevitably simple.

This doesn't make it any easier though, particularly as all the love and emotions were still there; are still there. I now have to move away from home for the first time knowing I don't have him anymore. I have spent last night and this morning crying because I can't imagine what my life will be like this time in two months when i no longer live at home, no longer have my boyfriend for me to call and talk with for hours on end. This move is going to be really difficult i predict.

Scared to ruin what I have

Guest_294 — Sat, 09 Mar 2019 12:52:54 GMT

How do you deal with the whole post breakup thing...it was the same when I broke up with my first boyfriend. A few weeks after it had ended, I found myself not necessarily missing him but missing having someone. This time it’s worse cause I’m actually missing the person. I miss his kisses and cuddles and how he used to tell me how beautiful I was. I miss laughing with him and spending hours with the same person, never feeling like there was a dull moment. I miss walking on the beach hand in hand and standing at the traffic lights with his arm around my waist, feeling protected and cared for and about. I miss the feeling of someone loving me and me loving them back. I don’t want to get back together and I know there’s so many things that drove me near insane about him. But how do you move on? I’ve been so busy moving I haven’t had a chance to think and all of a sudden I find myself desperately missing what I had.

any advice is always appreciated,

Scared to ruin what I have

Croix — Sun, 10 Mar 2019 07:22:04 GMT

Dear A~

I think you are wise on a couple of counts, firstly you can see there is no going back, and if you did the same factors that made you break up would come back into play once again.

The second is to see what others have done.

OK, I have not had a relationship breakup, but have lived though the death of my partner. There are things I wish I'd known then, they are not a recipe for feeling good, but I think all can help.

There are a huge mix of emotions on a breakup, not just grief - anger, sadness, loneliness, feelings of rejection, lack of self worth and uncertainty about the future to name just a few

To address and look at each of these write about them in some sort of journal. That way you see waht you are facing and may be be to minimize Cosme directly -loneliness for example.

Try to lead a healthy lifestyle, wiht nutrition (not too much binging on chocolate) plus reasonable exercise to get the body out of its slump and get one active and thoughts away from unhappiness.

List out all the things you have to be thankful for, it creates a more positive mood as well as being a distraction. Do it often, extra things will pop up.

Try some sort of diminishing allotted time in which you allow yourself to dwell with friends or family on your grief - but cut it off when the time runs out. Maybe 1/4 of an hour to start with, then less each time until to is virtually gone.

I drove my family and friends to distraction by endlessly crying out. The fact you reduce the time allows you to feel more in control and believe me your friends will thank you.

Do things you enjoy, even if you feel like giving them a miss, and if you can do some with others so much the better. Anything from concerts to volunteering. You would know what used to be good.

Get involved with others, try not to be isolated, and do try the social scene again.

None of the above is particularly original, and some may not be a good fit, but just having a plan and carrying it out will help.

Croix

Scared to ruin what I have

Guest_294 — Sat, 30 Mar 2019 15:12:13 GMT

Hi again everyone - I’m so sorry, I feel like I’m always posting these days. Just a lot going on at the moment. I have, since this post started, moved to my new university, I broke up with my boyfriend as I said, and I’ve formed an amazing group of friends. Now I am closest with one guy in my group. He’s an amazing friend but that is as far as it goes for me. Recently, he admitted his feelings for me and I told him I didn’t feel the same way and that I was sorry but it wasn’t there for me. That was 2 weeks ago now and he still just hasn’t taken the hint. I told him that I’m not going to change my mind and that I don’t want him to have false hope or anything and he said he doesn’t believe me and he would keep hoping it would change because the one thing that will make me happy (being in this relationship apparently) is just a try away. I feel like he doesn’t respect my thoughts and when I told him that I felt that way he said he does but he just doesn’t believe me. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to lose the friendship but it’s getting pretty ridiculous at this point.

Scared to ruin what I have

Croix — Sun, 31 Mar 2019 12:56:37 GMT

Dear A~

Why on earth apologize for posting, that is the whole point of this place! These is such a rich mix of people of all ages from all walks of life and sadly with such a full range of mental health conditions that the potential for benefit -both yours in leaning on us, and ours in the pleasure of imparting what we have learned -often the hard way - mean it is exactly the right thing to do.

Your account of recent events, new friends and a definite break-up wiht your ex sounds so encouraging.

That new guy is not listening, hormones and lack of experience can do that. I hate to say it but the phrase being cruel to be kind fits this situation.

You certainly do not need to get worn down and maybe enter something with reluctance becuse of pity or even just weariness.

It may perhaps be worth one try though any mutual friend if there is one, to tell him he is simply unwelcome.

If that is unavailable or does not work, if it was me I would say "Enough is enough, I'm finding your attentions both upsetting, intrusive and annoying. Go away, do not come back."

If that does not work then make a complaint (after warning him) to your School/Faculty secretary and take it from there.

This may sound like overkill, however sometimes people do not take no for an answer, and having someone fixated on you is upsetting, unnerving and can even be frightening.

Please let us know how oyu go

Croix

Scared to ruin what I have

Guest_294 — Sun, 28 Apr 2019 04:22:23 GMT

Hi again,

So I really just need to get this down and have someone hear it without thinking im crazy...I dont imagine there is much advice to give. I think i might be falling for my friend (a different friend from the one in the situation above - maybe a contributing factor to my saying no). I feel like this has been a quick turnaround given I only broke up with my boyfriend in January but I can't help how I feel I suppose. Here's the issue. This guy is amazing. He was a rock through the issue discussed above and I confided in him at every point. He is my confidant, my best friend, the first person I talk to with a triumph or a disaster. We are very touchy and cuddly friends. Most nights are spent watching a movie cuddling or touching in some very non-sexual way - like grabbing each others hands at an intense scene. I love spending time with him - we can talk for hours. We sit at 3 in the morning talking about anything and everything. But we are still just friends. It's crazy, everyone already thinks were together including his and my family who have both questioned our friendship, and though we both deny it fervently, I've found myself questioning more and more. We had a conversation recently, talking about the fact that our friendship (cuddling, movies every night, touchy feely) will not hold up if one of us is in a relationship and the suggestion came up to distance ourselves now so it isnt forced later. Even thinking about this made me cry. I can't imagine not having him in my life in this way. Now none of this seems like an issue yet, until you consider the fact that I am not physically attracted to him at all. I love cuddling with him and talking with him and spending hours in the day with him but i cannot imagine kissing him or doing anything sexual. I dont know what's wrong with me?? I asked if he was into me and he said he wasn't but in the least shallow way possible, i'm not sure thats quite true. In saying that, i'm scared if i say something i will lose one of the best friends i've ever had. I've always had male best friends and i have always been a cuddly affectionate friend but never quite like this. There has always been a very well-established boundary in the friendship and i know how i feel and he knows how he feels. This is the first time for me that i've found myself really questioning a friendship. But i am scared to lose him completely...since moving out of home he has been a constant support.

Any advice is appreciated.

Scared to ruin what I have

Guest_294 — Sat, 04 May 2019 10:53:09 GMT

Just a quick follow up on this. It’s only getting worse 😬 I was in his room (we live in college together) and we were watching a movie and then we started talking and we were up talking for hours and then all of a sudden it was 1am and we were still talking and then we stopped talking and just lay there in comfortable silence and then he fell asleep and I suddenly found myself really wishing I didn’t have to leave. I knew I did but I just wanted to fall asleep there and not worry about the consequences. Similarly he said yesterday he was worried he made it awkward by holding my hand in front of our friends and again I just wish that wasn’t a problem. I just wish we could be cuddly and not worry or watch a movie and talk until we fall asleep in the same room and not worry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me!! I’ve been feeling really anxious too lately. I don’t know why, I just feel perpetually on edge. The other day he didn’t respond to a message for a few hours and I found myself in the same age old panic I’ve had so many times before thinking I’d said something and he hated me and then after a few hours he texted saying he’d accidentally locked his phone in his room and then had to go out without it. I feel like I’m going crazy over a crush...why

Scared to ruin what I have

Croix — Sat, 04 May 2019 11:51:15 GMT

Dear Guest_294~

Your emotions have been all over the place for the past few months and it is very natural you want a partner and are seeking him out.

The wanting I guess comes in two ways, there is the companionship and friendship side, with physical closeness as in being there to talk wiht, hold hands and maybe cuddle. That by itself in a world where one is by oneself is a comfort. It can lead to intimacy or not, it depends.

The other side is when one reaches the stage of love, and no I can't describe that more than anyone else, however it is more than the forgoing, and means confidence the other person loves you, will not let you down and will be constant, the same sort of things you give to that person yourself.

The first can lead to the second, it depends on the people involved.

All that is complicated enough for anyone to try to work out, you have an additional hassle in that you are "perpetually on edge", and I suspect this many have been the case for quite a long time, longer than you have been posting here perhaps?

Do you think it might be worth visiting your GP in an extended appointment and say how you have been feeling, always thinking the worst is gong to happen, that you were to blame, that you have panic attacks, and all the rest. Ask to be tested for an anxiety conditon and see what happens.

I have one, though nowadays it is mostly under control, which makes my life an awful lot easier and and a better partner for my wife

What do you think?

Croix

Scared to ruin what I have

Guest_294 — Sun, 05 May 2019 00:09:02 GMT

Thank you for the response Croix,

i am sorry my posts have been so up and down - it has certainly been a crazy few months and I think whilst outwardly to my friends and family I’ve been very relaxed, inwardly it’s been all over the place.

after reading your response I came to a rather comforting realisation. I don’t think I actually like him. I think I like the idea of him. I love having someone to cuddle and be in bed with and be physically close to but beyond that I can’t imagine a relationship. I think all the things I’ve been feeling I’ve been misinterpreting. I don’t want to fall asleep in his bed, I want to have someone to fall asleep with. I’m not jealous at the idea of him being in a relationship with someone else, im jealous at the idea of him having that and me losing it. I think I’ve just been sorely misinterpreting all the things I’ve been feeling. In saying that, maybe I’m speaking too fast and by the end of tonight I’ll be back to convinced that I want to be with him. Hopefully not. I like being a little more certain.

i don’t know how long these thoughts have been happening...I’ve always described myself as a “people pleaser” and can remember since very young being upset when I felt I was failing in that. It’s been really emphasised and heightened since I came to uni and I’m not sure why...I suppose just because I have added pressures? But it’s happened on so many occasions that I’ll text a friend, they’ll see the message and not respond for hours and I end up spending the entire day feeling like my head is exploding or I’m just going to start crying at any moment. I don’t know about seeing a GP...I don’t have a gp here and I’m scared for my parents to find out. They don’t believe me when I tell them I’m feeling anxious or have had a panic attack. They say “you’re just feeling a little panicky” but mental health can’t be an issue in my family - last time I asked if I could see a psychologist they laughed. Not in a cruel way, my parents are amazing. Just in the way of don’t be ridiculous, thats not what you’re feeling. Does that make sense? Or am I making my parents out to be monsters...anyway, they’re not, they just don’t recognise that I’m struggling. Maybe I could go to headspace. There’s a centre near me and I could go talk to them. Or the university counsellors. I think I will go talk to someone though. I don’t know why I’ve been feeling so anxious recently. I need to do something about it.

thank you for the response again,

Scared to ruin what I have

Croix — Sun, 05 May 2019 07:39:44 GMT

Dear A~

Well I would not be in least surprised if you are correct, and the type of relationship you really need has not been forthcoming so far, just the companionship bit. It's easy to fool oneself, partly due to really wanting the full partnership, partly from the fact they can seem almost the same for a while.

I doubt very much your parent are monsters, much more likely they have no experience of a mental health issue, and cannot imagine it. Too far outside their world. There are an awful lot of people like that, no fault of their own,they have simply been more fortunate than you or I.

Your idea of Headspace is an excellent one, as it is a one-stop shop, at least the one near me is, with GP plus psychologists or councilors. I hope yours is the same. Their experience is focused on those around your age (ie under 25).

Uni councilors are a good bet too.

Please let us know how you get on

Croix