topic Is he controlling or am I just sensitive? in Relationship and family issues

Is he controlling or am I just sensitive?

Carolyn_Rae — Sat, 10 Feb 2018 11:39:22 GMT

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 3 years. I used to be scared of him - as in he was quite critical of how I would go about doing certain things for eg how to make dinner. We purchased a second-hand boat and I don't have much experience with boats. Each time we have taken it out I have found him to be bossy, critical (not having much patience when teaching me the ropes) and if I do something 'wrong' he belittles me by saying things such as, 'As per usual, your doing things half-assed'. I'm dreading the day we get our motor boat back from getting fixed, as I don't want to go out in it as each time we've gone out, I've felt so stupid, small and dumb.

The boat has been away for fixing for 3 weeks now, during which time I've resumed training for a 10k fun run and doing yoga. Doing these things has given boosted my self-acceptance and self-esteem....so much so that whenever my boyfriend talks down, gets bossy or insulting towards me, instead of cowering and saying 'I'm sorry', I've gone the other way and have gotten reactionary. My behaviour is now '....and that's another thing I've done wrong' or getting defensive and angry.

My question is, is his behaviour deemed as emotional abuse? Also, how can I find a middle ground for myself - by not allowing his behaviour to dictate how I respond?

Is he controlling or am I just sensitive?

Croix — Sat, 10 Feb 2018 12:33:22 GMT

Dear Carolyn Rae~

Thank you for coming here. Relationships can complex and I'd expect here you will gain perspective from other peoples' thoughts. Sometimes one is too close to judge.

First of all let me say I view a proper partnership where both parties try to look after the other, to make the other at ease, reduce the other's hassles and general look after the other . It's part of love. There really is no room in it for belittling someone. I suppose one can have an unfortunate manner, however the bottom line is care. If putting you down is the motive then it is simply unacceptable. It most often is part of a desire to control.

One of the most important things to try to understand in these situations is that your self-image will suffer, and you may well doubt yourself. This is of course completely wrong. It is one element of being controlled.

Being frightened of ones boyfriend is a terrible way to be. Now you are changing and that is good, though I'd have to question if the whole relationship is a healthy one. I can understand you asking "how can I find a middle ground for myself?" - in other words how to deal with disparaging attitude, however a better question might be "why should I have to deal with it at all?"

You write in an intelligent manner, you are obviously athletically accomplished and overall sound very capable. If your bf cannot see these qualities in you and admire them you are being sold very short. Have a look at 'cycle of abuse' on the web.

Please feel free to talk here as much as you would like

Croix

Is he controlling or am I just sensitive?

white knight — Sat, 10 Feb 2018 22:47:18 GMT

Hi Carolyn, welcome

In short, if you feel abused and dominated then - you are! It's an individual thing. Some might not feel abused, that's for them to feel. A past partner always said to me "its your sensitivity that's the problem". I'd reply "yes I'm sensitive, very, and I'll work on being less sensitive, but if you don't work on being less bossy then we have an issue". We did, and we split.

One thing that struck me, its his joy/hobby/interest...then why is he insisting on you learning all these proceedures when its his hobby? Yes learn safety but its a bit like he expects you to share his interest?? You have a right to just sit there and enjoy the water.

Here is a few threads you can google that will make sense of the matter. Use google

Topic: wit, the only answer to torment- beyondblue

Topic: the definition of abuse- beyondblue

Tony WK

Is he controlling or am I just sensitive?

Carolyn_Rae — Sun, 11 Feb 2018 01:34:38 GMT

Thank you White Knight and Croix for the thought-provoking responses.

For a long time I've excused his behaviour as a result of him being in the Navy for 12 years.....but now I'm not so sure.

I will definitely read the reference material.

Is he controlling or am I just sensitive?

CMF — Sun, 11 Feb 2018 03:35:49 GMT

Hi Carolyn and welcome,

I have been in a similar situation and i would say yes, it is a form of abuse. When a person makes your feeling invalid, puts you down, belittles you, makes you question your ability and lose your confidence and controls you, then they have an issue. I am glad that since you have started training for the run you have felt more in control and stood you rground, it's amazing what exercise can do for us. I hope you can continue to speak up for yourself, in a calm gentle way because if he is like my ex, i'm guessing he becomes defensive if you stand up to him and may even manipulate the situation to make you question yourself and feel like you are to blame. I hope he isn't like this but these types often are. I guess if you feel abused then you need to think about the type of relationship you want to be in. He wont change.

Wishing you all the best

CMF

Is he controlling or am I just sensitive?

Carolyn_Rae — Sun, 11 Feb 2018 06:10:01 GMT

Thanks CMF

He does manipulate the situation to make it feel like I'm to blame.

I guess I've made excuses for his behaviour for so long. Excuses like he has a right to let his physical and mental pain get the better of his emotions. I know he was in the navy and he has even said that the world 'owes him'.

I used to too quickly say sorry and try to make things better. Eg if he grumbled/growled at me it ended up being because he he either didn't sleep well - due to his nightmares, or because he was in a lot of physical pain (from his younger days). No, he isn't seeking help from anywhere.

Enough about him. I'm not perfect and I'm sure that I have things about me that aggravate him.

Is he controlling or am I just sensitive?

GemAndLogan — Mon, 12 Feb 2018 06:19:34 GMT

Hi Carolyn Rae,

You've had some awesome and informative replies so far : ) just wanted to add to them

Relationships can take work and it's difficult when you have had a painful past, I know from experience unfortunately.

However, its not ok to use past trauma as an excuse to treat you unfairly, especially when your partner has no interest in seeking help for his issues from being in the navy.

You deserve to feel safe and supported in your relationship- not scared or defensive.

Have you spoken to him about how he makes you feel when he puts you down?

Ultimately it is his decision to change his behaviour and maybe seek help to address his problems from the past but you can also make a decision on whether you want to stay in this relationship or not.

Try not to excuse his behaviour, its harder than people realise to acknowledge that the ones we love are doing the wrong thing but if you feel abused or controlled or put down then it simply isn't ok.

I wish you all the best, keep up with your yoga and exercise- it really does work wonders for feeling good!

Gem

Is he controlling or am I just sensitive?

CMF — Mon, 12 Feb 2018 07:06:16 GMT

Hi Carolyn,

None of us are perfect, and maybe you do have things that aggravate him but that is no excuse to belittle or abuse you. Is he having counseling for the trauma he has been through?

Best wishes

cmf

Is he controlling or am I just sensitive?

Carolyn_Rae — Mon, 12 Feb 2018 10:30:49 GMT

Hi CMF,

He used to, over 10 years ago. He refuses to go back.

Is he controlling or am I just sensitive?

Croix — Wed, 14 Feb 2018 09:10:09 GMT

Dear Carolyn Rae~

I'm sure that I have things about me that aggravate him

Well yes you are no doubt quite right, I guess everyone has things that annoy or hurt others, it's part of being human. We are however comparing apples and oranges. Normally such things are not done to put down others so as to feel better. I've been angry at my partner and said hasty words, or been forgetful, or one of umpteen other things. I would not want to hurt her or make her feel less though. Many people are fragile having let their guard down when with the one they love, and one does need to be considerate all the time.

Now having things from the past govern one's actions is difficult to deal with. It is tempting to say - because this or that happened he does not have to behave properly. I've PTSD from my past and the usual related illnesses and true it did make a huge difference to my actions. I had, and still have treatment and it puts me in the position where I can maintain a relationship with love and care.

I realize treatment is not easy, but needs to be done if it affects your relationship. For him not to do so is failing in his care for you as well as himself. I'd imagine there might be avenues via his service that would make treatments less expensive.

Having said all that I'm not convinced his behavior is due to the past, your description seems to describe a particular personality type, however you are the best one to judge.

Croix

Is he controlling or am I just sensitive?

Carolyn_Rae — Thu, 15 Feb 2018 10:45:07 GMT

Hi Croix,

What personality-type?

His Sister (with whom he has a not good relationship with) made a surprise visit tonight. She has been in jail for committing fraud, has reportedly stolen my partner's familys things, has lied about having ovarian cancer.....when she left, whom did my partner turn to for comfort? Our dog. I bore the full emotional force of his dislike and frustration.

Is he controlling or am I just sensitive?

Carolyn_Rae — Tue, 27 Feb 2018 07:55:54 GMT

I'm angry, confused, sad......my partner and I went on holidays together. He was such a gentleman. For the end part of our holiday, we stayed with my mum and dad and they all got along well.

We've just come home today and my partner has put me down at least 4 times....by critising that I can't do more than one thing at a time; by getting angry at me for asking him to close the car door as I was carrying our clean dog over mud; then when I was working on the fence that separates our ducks from our dog, he says 'come on, give it here. She'll just get in to the ducks section if he didn't do it himself.

I feel so ungrateful for getting angry at him as he did just spend four days in a row being a good guest at my parent's place.

I apologised for my emotions and I didn't apologise for not being like him.

Is he controlling or am I just sensitive?

Croix — Tue, 27 Feb 2018 08:25:14 GMT

Dear Carolyn Rae~

It's been a few days and I'm sorry to see things are not good. By the looks of things criticism is not confined to things he knows from his service days but also everyday matters. Picking on you because his sister is at fault is most unfair and does not show any regard for your feelings.

There are some people that put on a perfect public front and hold their true behavior in abeyance whilst under outside scrutiny. This is very frustration as people then think the person is wonderful and don't know what to make about truthful descriptions of what happens behind the scenes.

Apologizing really is playing his game. The matters you mentioned seem to be pretexts to put you down and be unreasonable. Making excuses for him does not really seem appropriate, there is a danger of getting into the habit of apologizing for being criticized and ending up feeling a total lack of self worth.

Your getting angry at these things is natural and would seem totally justified. I would find it very hard to live under such circumstances, however that is just me.

The only suggestion I could make would be to think about what you want and need out of this relationship. As others have said I'd be surprised if he changed long-term. If you have difficulty thinking dispassionately about this maybe contacting our 24/7 Help Line or an organization like Relationships Australia can give you perspective.

Croix

Is he controlling or am I just sensitive?

Carolyn_Rae — Tue, 27 Feb 2018 23:59:49 GMT

Well, after my angry outburst yesterday, my partner has broken up with me. My family feel that my partner has his own issues that may prevent him from having a relationship. This all started because I no longer wanted to be a doormat.

Is he controlling or am I just sensitive?

Croix — Wed, 28 Feb 2018 03:28:09 GMT

Dear Carolyn Rae~

It looks like you have fundamentally changed and become less compliant.

All though your posts you have painted a picture of your ex-partner attempting control by belittling you. I would think that in such an environment one of two things will happen, either one will start to believe all the negatives, lose self esteem and become some sort of lesser person, or else over time resentment will build and one will be no longer able to accept this treatment.

I guess you have - fortunately - gone the latter way.

I suppose there is a possibility either you or he will make an attempt to reconcile. In your shoes I would not do this. His basic nature is not going to change and I think you have grown stronger and wiser and would not accept that.

You deserve a better and equal partnership when you can have confidence you are appreciated and respected and there is never any attempt at derision or control.

Croix

Is he controlling or am I just sensitive?

Carolyn_Rae — Wed, 28 Feb 2018 06:36:28 GMT

I have to thank my family and friends for helping out emotionally.

Wherever my ex went, if I didn't go, he wouldn't be happy. I ended up resenting him for it. I didn't want to spend every Saturday and Sunday with his parents - I wanted to go to a Yoga class on one of those days instead.

I could feel my resentment regarding this and his constant 'put downs' leading me to become assertive and to sometimes speak back to him the same way he spoke to me (which I wasn't proud of). I was even asking advice on how to be assertive without letting my feelings get in the way.

Is he controlling or am I just sensitive?

Croix — Wed, 28 Feb 2018 06:44:58 GMT

Dear Carolyn Rae~

I'm very glad you have your family and friends, a breakup under any circumstances is a hard thing to deal with. Having their care, support and perspective makes a world of difference.

If I might suggest please cut yourself some slack in regards to your speaking back. From what you say it was entirely justified and with another sort of person might have actually shocked them into a different mindset, (sadly no chance of that with him).

Please don't thing that separation means you should stop coming here, both if you feel the need, and also perhaps if you think your experiences might help others.

Croix

Is he controlling or am I just sensitive?

Carolyn_Rae — Thu, 01 Mar 2018 05:35:28 GMT

I hope my experience can help others. I felt like a cagged animal. Being frightened, emotionally tormented until I couldn't take anymore as I bottled it up most of the time, and then tell him in no uncertain terms to 'go away'.

Lesson, it's important to express one's feelings and thoughts in a productive way.

Is he controlling or am I just sensitive?

Croix — Thu, 01 Mar 2018 09:30:20 GMT

Dear Carolyn Rae~

Yes I"m sure it will, when one is in a relationship it can be very hard to know what is normal, what are one's own faults and what on the other hand is just plain wrong. Your experiences can give others just that bit of perspective they need.

Croix

Is he controlling or am I just sensitive?

Carolyn_Rae — Sat, 03 Mar 2018 05:18:50 GMT

If anything, I've learnt that my resentment (because I didn't express it civilly, repetitively) grew and grew. He could tell I wasn't happy so for a while there he would be doing things to to make me happy. At the same time though, he would still belittle me (but this time under his breath etc). So, it would've been nice to have been civil with him the first time instead of his behaviour and my resentment dragging on and on.

I'm dealing with my guilt of being passive/aggressive and letting my resentment build up and up until it reached breaking point. Not healthy at all.