topic Clingy in Relationship and family issues

Clingy

Tasa83 — Thu, 11 Jan 2018 15:56:56 GMT

So I have this problem that I feel many have. I have been left by so many people because of my Bipolar that I have developed abandonment issues. Because of this I hold people at arms length and trust few. But when I meet someone I click with, someone I think gets me, I grab on tight and wont let go so as not to lose them like the others, however this results in them freaking out and leaving anyway.

ahhhh the irony!

anyone else?

Clingy

SIK — Thu, 11 Jan 2018 21:57:14 GMT

Do you mean with partners or friends or both?

I feel a simlar way with partners, I think somehow showing too much love drives them away.

I forced myself to make some friends through a car club after living here for about 15 years and not having any, they are always inviting me to do stuff but now I always make excuses not to go because depression. So no I feel clingy to friends.

I don't really feel like I'm clingy though but I get the impression that my past partners think I am.

I could see how someone might want to distance them self from a clingy friend but I wouldn't see it as a problem if it was a partner.

Clingy

Doolhof — Thu, 11 Jan 2018 22:20:43 GMT

Hi Tasa83 and SIK,

Welcome to the forum and the community here. Relationships can be confusing at times and hard to maintain. It is a bit weird how we desire to be with people, yet we push them away at the same time!

Friendships can come and go, I try not to hold on to friendships too tightly anymore, I find having freedom helps to actually make friendships seem stronger in a weird way.

A couple of people have told me I am a wonderful friend, and I didn't even realise my friendship meant that much to them. Maybe sometimes we just don't acknowledge relationships and take them for granted.

One of my sisters will contact me at Christmas and tells me how wonderful it is that we are sisters and I have not heard from her since last Christmas! For her a once yearly contact is enough!

We all have our own idea of friendships, abandonment, being acknowledged or rejected. I try to like myself more as well, helps me have a more balanced and less neddy relationship with others.

Cheers from Dools

Clingy

Aprilsnow — Thu, 11 Jan 2018 23:16:14 GMT

It is tough making friends when one has anxiety and depression - I know. But I have come to realise that people come and go in your life throughout the course of your life. I have had people come my way and been good friends then drifted off when our lives have gone different directions and it is not because of anything I did or they did, it is just that life works that way. I have come to accept that. For instance, I used to work in a company and we were all good friends, but the company went in to liquidation and even though we were all good friends then, none of us have stayed as friends as we have all got different jobs and now move in different circles, but there was not deliberate cutting off or falling out, it is just life takes a different turn.

So I have come to accept that is just how life and friendships can work. I have had the most amazing help in different parts of my life when needed, then not seen people again afterwards - but I felt that was the universe (or God) giving back and helping out when needed & I make sure that I can be available for others if they need a friend too and realise it may not be a lifelong friendship.

Clingy

Tasa83 — Fri, 12 Jan 2018 10:05:07 GMT

It’s been both for me in the past. Nowadays I just don’t socialise so there isn’t an uber issue.

but I think I was always clingy not meaning to be, just hated watching people leave

Clingy

littlewalrus — Mon, 15 Jan 2018 03:16:09 GMT

Hi Tasa83,

I don't have many friends and feel quite lonely most of the time. But the fact that I have one friend that can't help clinging so tight, no matter how stupid i'm being, makes it a lot easier. Even now I think I sound stupid. I lose everyone but i'm never losing her.

Maybe you can be a rock too.

Clingy

PBelle — Mon, 15 Jan 2018 03:32:01 GMT

Littlewalrus, I would just be a bit careful not to cling to tight to this friend. Like you, I don't have that many friends, but I did have one really close friend and I clung too tight, pushed them away and now I feel I have no one. trying to get them back is going to be hard cause for the time being, I have to do the opposite, not contact them and it is hard. And i'm afraid that they will forget me in that time and that makes me scared that when I do get contact (remaining positive) that I will just cling too tight again.

Tasa, I understand. I have been hurt so many times over the years that trusting people is really hard. And when I click with someone, I am scared of losing them and don't want to let go. So your not alone with this issue. I'm trying to let things go a bit.

Clingy

Tasa83 — Tue, 16 Jan 2018 08:26:31 GMT

I hope so.

thank you for your reply

Clingy

Tasa83 — Tue, 16 Jan 2018 08:28:34 GMT

I agree with you.

I am trying to back up and wait for them to come back to me and have to accept that some people just wont come back, and that’s ok. But it gets lonely

Clingy

PBelle — Tue, 16 Jan 2018 09:01:22 GMT

Tasa, don't give up completely on them coming back to you. A true friend might disappear for a bit, but if they are really a true friend, then they will come back. Only time will tell with it and maybe showing them how you have changed, that you realise that you can be clingy, but are taking steps to control it. Power of positive thinking. People do come and go in our lives, but if someone is really a true friend, then they will come to understand. i'm not saying that it will be easy, but if it is really worth it, don't give in. That's just my thinking.

Clingy

quirkywords — Tue, 16 Jan 2018 10:09:07 GMT

Hello everyone,

Tasha, I have never thought that bipolar had anything to with my friendships , maybe thats me.

I know when I was manic I hurt people and when depressed people I sent people away but I thought that was just me. I have only a few good friends but that is what I need. I do get sensitive when I feel I have offended someone.

This is a good thread with many ideas.

PBelle is right saying people come and go in our lives.

Quirky

Clingy

Tasa83 — Wed, 17 Jan 2018 07:04:49 GMT

I agree with you, if they are a true friend they will return. I’m still waiting.

Clingy

Tasa83 — Wed, 17 Jan 2018 07:08:13 GMT

I’ve had many leave whenI got hospitalised.

Some friends loved me when I was manic and some couldn’t handle it but once I was in hospital noone wanted to be part of that.

when I am depressed I don’t want to go out so I am boring and get left behind.

But I think if I take pieces of everyone advice and learn that not every friendship is forever and just to enjoy them when you have them and let go when it’s time. No more clingy

Clingy

Taypaz1616 — Wed, 17 Jan 2018 12:47:31 GMT

Oh I know this irony all too well.

I don’t go a day where I don’t constantly fear people leaving me which is why I put up a wall, and I do not trust anyone. When I say I have trust issues... it’s bad.

ive actually just recently been dumped and had my worst fear happen already. I didn’t think I’d make it. But I’m still here and getting through a little each day.

It is tough, and I do sympathize with you. It’s horrible feeling anxious everyday that your partner will leave you and us feeling this way makes us cling and lose them anyway... it’s a frustrating cycle I know.

but i believe with the right motivation and mindset you can re train your brain and face your fears through CBT therapy. I believe we are in control not our minds. We cannot let our thoughts and fears consume our lives.

Stay strong! And don’t give up! Your never alone!! There’s thousands of people who feel the same. And your not clingy. You just need the right person to show you the love and care and patience you need to feel safe and at ease.

If they truly care for you, no amount of clingy behavior shall push them away!

Clingy

Tasa83 — Wed, 07 Mar 2018 14:10:46 GMT

I read a great quote: the power in the relationship lies with the one who cares the least.

it is sad using the word power but still makes me feel like if I have a bit more control over myself and things I wouldn’t need to cling. I don’t want to cling. I just want someone to reply in a reasonable timeframe, not bail and if they want to leave say goodbye. Too much?

Tasa