topic 10 years in Relationship and family issues

10 years

dizzy6721 — Sun, 27 May 2018 00:55:07 GMT

Hi,

I've been in an extremely loving relationship for the last 10 years, we've never had a major fight before, however in February this year, my partner woke up one morning and gave me the cold shoulder. She said that she had the feelings that we weren't going anywhere and didn't have plans for the future etc. She has a blow up once a year about this issue of not having plans etc but I can usually reassure her that we will be OK as I promise I will always be here & love her wholeheartedly. She went away for the night and stayed with her friend. The next morning she came back and said she never wanted to do that again as it was horrible being away from me. Since then she has woken up one morning and said she felt "broken and didn't know how to fix herself" told me everything feels forced in our relationship, she doesn't know if she loves me anymore as she doesn't think I'm committed. As we talked this over, I went into the bedroom and pulled out the engagement ring I had been planning to give her this year - this ring took me over a year to save for & I have the perfect plan in place to propose. When she saw the ring she said "this changes everything". She says she feels "nothing for me" however when I showed her the bag with the ring in - she cried her eyes out. However she has since walked out on me, stayed in a hotel for a week, with another friend for a week & ultimately moved out of our home which she also said she "loves" & into a small 1x1 apartment on her own. She has canceled all of our ties together - bank accounts, health insurance, bills etc. and says she is "extremely happy" out on her own. She has completely blocked out my whole family who have always loved and adored her, she is best friends with my younger sister - who she now hasn't spoken to in 3 months. She has also said shes felt like this for a couple of years but has suppressed her feelings.

Meanwhile I'm sat here left trying to piece everything together and figure out what went wrong or what I've done wrong? Suffering sleepless nights and a fair amount of depression.

She is 34 years old - so am I crazy to think that this might be a little bit of a mini mid life crisis because she isn't married yet with kids etc and she doesn't know it? Do i just need to give her time to work herself out? Or is she completely done with me?

Any comments/advice would be greatly appreciated as I'm going out of my mind and haven't a clue what to do...

Thank you in advance

10 years

Croix — Sun, 27 May 2018 03:12:51 GMT

Dear Dizzy6721~

This must have come as a real shock to you and I can understand your feelings of depression and wondering what is wrong.

Having said that after reading all your post I did have to wonder how good the communication between you and your ex partner has been over the years. The fact you have ever had major fight might not have been as good a thing as you imagine. When angry things can be said that might otherwise be buried.

While of course I don't know the facts I'd imagine for many a 10 year period living wiht someone and not having the final commitment of marriage would be a source of great unhappiness. This could well come out in terms of saying she felt the pair of you were not going anywhere or that you are not committed.

I know you did get an engagement ring, and it took you a fair amount of time to save for it, however maybe taking your ex into your confidence a lot earlier might have had more benefit than any surprise could.

As this is not a new thing I'd imagine the chances of repairing the relationship is that much harder - if possible at all. Your ex did say that for a couple of years she had tried to ignore her feelings and that her first separation was really horrible for her.

Now she may well have severed all contact with everyone in your family in addition to you for the same reason, it is all too painful.

I can't really say what you should do, or if there is any chance of getting back together. All I can say is that a partnership is all about communication and feelings of - among other things - security.

I'm sorry I can't give you a more hopeful response

Croix

10 years

dizzy6721 — Sun, 27 May 2018 05:12:56 GMT

Thanks for replying Croix, much appreciated.

Our communication has always been good. Time spent together is always amazing doing different things and enjoying each others company.

My partner always did want to get married etc. As i am a few years younger I said I wanted to wait until I was 30 years old before we made the next step - which she was absolutely fine with. The day after my 30th birthday I went and found the ring, its absolutely perfect the same as she is, the warm fuzzy feeling you get inside when you find the right one is pure electric! At the time I couldn't afford it, so I saved for over a year to be able to make it happen. I didn't mention anything as I simply wanted the proposal to be absolutely magical and something she would be able to tell the world about. The woman I know and love would absolutely love this amount of commitment and dedication, the current woman doesn't think it's romantic at all. I feel she is lost and ultimately off to find happiness again. She says she has lost the spark for me. It is so disappointing as everything she has ever wanted is staring her right in the face and she has just walked out instead of at least trying to work things out.

After 10 wonderful years together, I feel like I deserve better than the silent treatment and my family to be ignored.

I have suggested counseling together, maybe a holiday to spend some quality time together, sadly she just isn't interested in me at all, she has completely drifted off.

I know I cant force it, but My commitment is 1000% and I am not going anywhere, I am all in, I'm all hers. I've never even so much as looked in the direction of another woman. Her family have told me to sit tight and just give her some time and space, but it is killing me not having my best friend by my side whilst she is off gallivanting around like nothing has happened and I don't even exist. So sad...

10 years

Juliet_84 — Sun, 27 May 2018 11:35:25 GMT

Hi dizzy6721,
I agree with Croix in that most people would find a 10 year relationship without any real show of commitment a source of unhappiness. The fact that your ex would have a “blow up” about this every year tells me that it was important to her and I suspect that she wasn’t entirely satisfied with your reassurances that you were committed, rather agreed to keep the peace because she loved you. But the fact she kept bringing it up tells me it never felt resolved for her.
I understand that you wanted to wait until you were 30, and then spent an additional year saving for the ring. But you also mentioned your ex is a few years older than you, which would place her in the 33-35 year age range? The problem with that is that most women at this age begin to think about children (whether they want them or not) because it is at this age they have to decide, and most women want to decide rather than have that option taken away from them by someone else. Whether we like it or not we are on a time schedule unlike men who can have children up until the age of 70 or thereabouts if they desire. This may not be a factor, but I believe she is strongly questioning whether to invest any more time in a person who needs a lot of time to commit to each stage. I hope you don’t see this as a criticism of you, everybody needs to feel ready at each stage, but I’m just trying to give you a female perspective from someone in a similar age bracket. It is unfortunate that you didn’t communicate your plans to her earlier as she likely began distancing herself some time ago in preparation this some time ago and it can be hard to pull out of that nosedive. The other thing I’m unsure of is, if you had the ring, why didn’t you propose to her then? Why did you leave it until she ended it with you to bring it out?

10 years

dizzy6721 — Sun, 27 May 2018 23:27:52 GMT

Hi Juliet_84,

I was only able to afford the ring at the end of February this year - unfortunately at the exact same time this whole situation began to unfold. Extremely unlucky timing. I had planned on proposing on her birthday in May, however she had already gone by then and it would be crazy to do it while she feels this way. I have worked so hard on the perfect proposal and ring, I just wanted it to be amazing as it’s exactly what she deserves.

I’m fully aware of the feelings for kids at her age, I am completely on board and fully committed to our future together whether that involves children or not. If she just needs time away to figure out what she wants then why not say that instead of running away and hiding from it all? Shutting me and my family out completely doesn’t help anyone or anything?

Most of her family have told me to just sit tight and ride it out, completely happy to do this as I am not interested in anyone else.

I also understand that I’m a complete fool for not proposing sooner & take full responsibility for my actions. I love this woman with all of my heart and life is pointless without her by my side...

10 years

Juliet_84 — Mon, 28 May 2018 08:15:28 GMT

Hi Dizzy6721,

The bad timing you describe is certainly a shame. It may be that she wants time away to make up her own mind and doesn’t want outside people influencing her decision one way or the other, as you and your family are obviously closer to this than most people, she may just need this time. I’m not usually one to recommend big romantic gestures but it may be worthwhile putting it all on the line, asserting that you are eager to commit to her and want to build a future together, marriage etc. She may not believe it so any “evidence” you have to back it up would be good. I suspect she may feel as though she was “fooled” by words previously and wants action at this point. I’d give her a little bit of space right now (not too much) to calm down but if this girl is really who you want and you can commit to her in the way that she wants, then I’d give it everything you’ve got. If you were afraid of commitment previously, I wouldn’t lie or make excuses, I’d own it and explain how things are different now. I wish you all the best x

10 years

dizzy6721 — Mon, 28 May 2018 08:43:56 GMT

Hi Juliet_84,

thank you for replying.

I certainly do want to spend the rest of my life with this amazing woman. Currently she won’t talk or communicate with me, it seems easier for her to just walk away than stay and fight. It is a real shame because I never had her down as a quitter. She is normally so strong and determined.

She has seen a little of my proposal plan, as out of desperation before she walked out I showed her a little of it. She cried her eyes out, said it was beautiful, hugged and kissed me. Then continued to pack her stuff as if nothing had happened.

I just wonder how it is so easy for her to walk away, not struggle with this & continue going about life like we never existed? I know people deal with stuff in their own way, however the woman I know and love is much better than this.

I’m prepares to give her as much time as she needs to work out whatever is going on in her head. I’ve reiterated several times I won’t be going anywhere. Though I’m sure she doesn’t need me hounding her with constant text messages and calls as this will push her further away.

Friends and family on both sides have advised to sit tight, focus on myself as we never know what’s around the corner, basically a “never say never” attitude.

My partner Also said the same thing to me as she drove off. I proclaimed my sadness at never being able to propose to her & give her he perfect ring. “Never say never...”

so I wonder if it is just a time thing? Is she testing my committment by taking 6 months apart from me to see if I’m still there for her at the end of it?

A million thoughts running through my head...

10 years

Juliet_84 — Mon, 28 May 2018 09:44:16 GMT

Hi Dizzy6721,

I think it’s more a case of she was set on making that decision. It takes A LOT of resolve to walk away from the person you love but sometimes you have to do it. She had likely spend some months beforehand steeling herself for this moment and so usually it is virtually impossible to talk someone out of breaking up with you in that conversation, the chances come in those blow ups beforehand. That being said, once that time has passed and she has a chance to miss you and see things with a bit more clarity, that may be your moment. Certainly proving your commitment to her during this time will likely count in your favour.

10 years

Croix — Mon, 28 May 2018 10:49:42 GMT

Dear Dizzy6721~

I don't think if it was me in your ex's shoes I'd be able to take 6 months to see if you were still going to be there. My impression is that, as Juliet_84 says it takes an awful lot of resolve to walk away, not something you do until you realy mean it.

That being said I'm basically marshmallow and an approach after a fair while might mean something to me, whether it would to your partner is another matter. If it is about commitment maybe there is hope.

Croix

10 years

dizzy6721 — Mon, 28 May 2018 13:15:37 GMT

Hi Juliet_84,

That is exactly what I would like to see happen - her actually miss me.

This year, For the first time in 10 years I wasn't waking up next to her for her birthday, treating her like a queen, buying her flowers & spending the day together - it nearly killed me. I was hoping that it might make her actually miss me even slightly and go "I wonder why he hasn't messaged or contacted me" but it didn't, she casually went to a wedding by herself & got drunk with her friends. She is really acting out of character as of late and it hurts me to see. I'd like to help, but I feel she needs to realise if she has a problem on her own first.

I'm really hopeful this time apart will do us the world of good. Maybe we can start again. Her attitude at the moment is simply - I don't care... horrible to see and take in.

Perhaps you're right about the months of planning to get out - but why not come to me like a responsible adult and say "hey love, I'm struggling with this and we need to talk" instead of simply running away to your own place and shutting everything out like I don't exist? I understand everybody is different and has their own ways of dealing with things, but surely after such a long time together i deserve a little better than silent treatment?

The pain is unbearable, heartbroken beyond belief, lost, confused & full of self blame. All I've ever done for this faultless woman is love her unconditionally. Now I'm left wondering what on earth to do... I'm seeing a psychologist next week, I really hope they can help too.

10 years

Juliet_84 — Mon, 28 May 2018 13:47:50 GMT

Dizzy6721,

There is only so many times a woman will come to you and tell you her feelings, and by your own admittance she did this yearly. There’s only so long a person will do this before they decide that the other person needs to put some work in. If I was in her situation, I doubt I would have come to you again and said it, I would have done the exact same thing.

From the outside it may seem as though she is casually going to a wedding with friends and getting drunk, but knowing what it’s like to end a 10-year relationship, I am quite certain that’s not how she feels inside. I know that you mention you are full of self-blame, but there’s a tone in your responses that tells me that you are not being fully accountable for your actions in this. Whatever happens, I think you need to use this as a learning experience and part of that is being frank with yourself about why this ended.

10 years

dizzy6721 — Mon, 28 May 2018 14:18:00 GMT

Juliet_84,

I'm very sorry you feel that I have a tone. I can only apologise 😞 I simply don't know what to do, so I guess I'm venting a little frustration.

I admit and take full responsibility for my lack of actions, I know I'm a first class fool for not getting off my back side sooner. I have driven her away and I'm an idiot. I am prepared to work my socks off and do whatever it takes to bring her back.

Not trying to take any blame away from myself at all, I cant help but think that she is struggling with something too? It just doesn't make sense to completely shut me out and ignore me...

I really hope you're right about how she is feeling inside. I'd give anything for her to come and talk to me and give me some kind of indication. I don't want to push her away even further though.

Again, I'm sorry for my tone, you really are helping me & I appreciate it.

10 years

Juliet_84 — Mon, 28 May 2018 22:41:16 GMT

Hi Dizzy6721,

No need to apologize, I think you misunderstood when I said “tone”, I meant more like the vibe I get. See, to me, given the circumstances, I do understand why she feels that she had to shut you out. I’m just trying to reframe these things here so that if you are given the opportunity to speak to her again, you don’t say “all I’ve ever done is love you unconditionally” as I think a frank admission of where you went wrong and how you have grown since then will get you further.

10 years

GoodWitch — Tue, 29 May 2018 08:00:53 GMT

Juliet and Croix have given you a lot to think about. I hope you don't mind me adding another female perspective on this because your situation rings a lot of bells for me.

I too am part of a couple that hardly ever argues. 20yrs married & this is a pattern that has characterised our relationship, ultimately damaged it. Relationships involve conflict and a surface appearance of not fighting does not mean there aren't major disagreements bubbling beneath the surface, it simply means that the 2 of you share a dynamic that doesn't allow for an easy flow of dialogue about difficult or emotional issues. Only you can work out how that's happened, but it seems clear to me that it has happened. Counselling should help, good on you for seeking it.

You've admitted that she blows up about your commitment yearly, however the situation never gets resolved to her satisfaction. This means your problems have festered for a long time, unresolved. She's been getting the same answer for 10yrs: wait until I'm 30.

Nothing wrong with wanting to be older before you make a life long commitment. But you have been together 10yrs. What is so magic about 30? Just wondering. Your girlfriend has probably wondered too.

Now I suspect she has also been secretly hoping for years you'll ask her sooner (hence the yearly discussions), but in the end has resigned herself to waiting for the magic 30. Then you turn 30 and what happens? Nothing. Yes you've been saving for the right ring. Did she know that? As far as she is concerned the magic 30 happened and you didn't ask her to marry you. In her mind you went back on your word and she's no doubt devastated.

I know this isn't easy for you and it's obvious your intentions are good. But I think you need to try to see this from her perspective. She's waited 10yrs for a proposal that didn't happen. Whether you meant to or not, you let her down. You need to understand that and own it, and somehow communicate that to her if you are to have any chance of patching things up. I understand that is difficult if she's not talking to you, but I suspect she's done this to protect herself from more hurt. You need to give her some time to heal from this blow. And I do believe she suffered a deep wound when you didn't propose as she had been led to believe you would.

Perhaps you could write her a letter if she won't answer your calls?

I hope you take this as it was intended, as helpful advice, not criticism.

Best of luck, you seem like a decent guy dizzy.

10 years

dizzy6721 — Tue, 29 May 2018 08:22:11 GMT

Hi Juliet_84,

Thank you for your kind words, they’re much appreciated. I have already admitted that I’ve been a fool for not marrying her sooner. However you are completely right, if she does want to talk things through in time, I’m all ears & will be the first to admit that I have pushed her away. I know I’m a fool and need to work my backside off to put things right.

For now I will focus on me & give her the space she needs.

Thank you again. 🙂

10 years

dizzy6721 — Tue, 29 May 2018 10:48:59 GMT

Hi GoodWitch,

Thank you for responding to me. Firstly, not to blow my own trumpet, yes I am a nice guy, head screwed on, great job, great family, money in the bank etc. This is why I am struggling to make sense of it all.

Secondly, I'm very proud of myself for admitting I have a problem and need some professional help, instead of taking the macho approach of "no I'm a guy I can deal with this on my own".

Now in response to your age question. I haven't a clue why 30 is so magical, I think I saw my partners 30th a few years before when we went to Las Vegas and thought "I definitely want to do something spectacular like this for mine" and the whole tradition of 30 being the final big birthday before 40, so I guess it's the last opportunity to be young. Maybe I'm just silly.

She does know about the ring. I openly admitted that the one and only secret I have ever kept from her was saving for the perfect ring. I put the bag containing the ring in front of her and she cried for an hour followed by a panic attack. After she calmed down she said it changed everything.

I take full responsibility for my actions and not proposing sooner, however I wanted it to be magical the day that I put my plan into action, a story to tell people, place her on a perch so high up she can't see the ground. This is what every woman dreams of. I have worked so hard on making sure everything is perfect. I haven't planned our life together or a wedding. Just an amazing day that she will cherish forever. I really did have the best intentions.

Perhaps a letter would be a good idea, even though she knows how I feel and am fully committed. I just don't want to push her away further as I feel she needs time to re-evaluate everything and clear her own head. It's a truly awful feeling when you lose your best friend, constantly wondering why the phone doesn't ring with her bright bubbly voice on the other end, why you don't get text messages, why she's not tagging you in silly little memes on Instagram, even what she is up to all the time...I would give anything to have her back by my side.

Again, thank you for contacting me, it's very much appreciated.

10 years

AndyR — Tue, 29 May 2018 14:16:29 GMT

Hi Dizzy

I recognise much of your confusion and bewilderment at the sudden surprising action of someone you hoped to be a life partner. It happened to me. After 10 years together my then partner came home and uttered a line I'll never forget" "This is over for me. There's no romance, no fun and no sparkle." A week before we were to move back into the home we were renovating. Out of the blue, from no-where it seemed. All my dreams of this joyous life in our architect designed beautiful renovations blown apart with two short sentences. Blindsided totally.

Like you I hoped it was an out of character aberration but no, it wasn't. And he did what you describe your partner as doing - out and about with friends new and old and no space and time for me. I was shattered. And while I lived in hope for a while it became clear acceptance that things had changed had to come, even if we were to return to being together.

My renovations are I think a bit the same as your engagement ring. No matter what I clung to that picture of "but we have this happening." With a little time I saw it as misguided - a focus on something that prevented me standing back and looking at what might really have been going on. That takes time and it may not be now you can do that. but is it possible o step back form the rig, the proposal - the picture YOU had - to consider the WE. Who was listening and really hearing and speaking about what was going on.

I suppose I'm saying perfect pretty imaginings of how things can be can shatter like a mirror, and the only thing that is possible to do is pick up pieces - because no matter how hard you want to put them back together you may not be able to.

What would it mean for you to contemplate the possibility that her reasnos for going are hers and personal and powerful, that they do not diminish you, they are simply hers. And that you can contemplate how you rebuild from this earthquake.

For me it was - after we'd sold the house and car - to buy a rucksack and travel the world for two years. I still loved him dearly and never really knew what he meant in those two short sentences. But you know what? I became grateful: I got to try being a different me. And I learned that the house even with its renovations was after all just a house.

So amidst all the looking at her and hoping can you find a time - little or large - to ponder the possibility that she has gone so now what? You may find surprising new rewards.

10 years

dizzy6721 — Mon, 18 Jun 2018 05:13:23 GMT

Thanks AndyR. Your reply is great. Sorry it's taken me a while to reply, I've been trying to focus on myself & also reading some of the stories on here there are far more people in a much worse situation than me.

It has been 3 months now & it still isn't any easier. I'm sat here currently tearing up and I cannot stop myself from doing it. It's incredibly sad that I've devoted my life to this woman and she simply just doesn't care, shes acting like nothing has even happened. I know she is much better than this.

I took some advice from friends and decided to write her a letter. I poured my heart out and wrote true feelings straight from the heart. I don't think I have ever been more nervous when writing. I delivered it to her house on Friday last week, messaged her to say there was some mail in her letter box, I know she has the letter, I know she has probably read it, yet she hasn't even bothered to contact me about it at all. Again, she is a much better person than this. You don't stop caring for someone as easily as this. Ignoring someone having spent 10 years loving them isn't normal behaviour.

I really hope she is struggling just as much as I am. I honestly don't know what to do...

It's funny when people say "just focus on you and keep doing you" when all along she is the person that can make me, me. She makes me the best version of myself. She's my queen, warrior, best friend, my life...

10 years

monkey_magic — Mon, 18 Jun 2018 09:12:31 GMT

Hi dizzy6721,

I've just read your thread. I'm really sorry this has happened to you. I can only imagine how much of a hole its left. Just wanted to show some support for what it's worth. It sounds like you've really put your heart on the line.

Look after yourself x

10 years

dizzy6721 — Tue, 19 Jun 2018 02:13:54 GMT

Hi monkey_magic,

Thanks for your message. It's surprising how little messages of support like this really do help.

I have put my heart, soul, life, everything on the line. Feeling so rejected and lost. She has now deleted one of her social media accounts which included a lot of our pictures and so many memories. She's a social media butterfly so I can only hope in a positive state of mind that she's done it because she is confused about who she actually is anymore, needs time and space to think about everything & isn't just forgetting us & me...

Nothing about the way she is acting seems to make any sense, this isn't the person we all know and love at all.

Thanks again monkey, trying to stay positive...