topic Husband of 21 yrs left me 5 days ago. in Relationship and family issues

Husband of 21 yrs left me 5 days ago.

Shattered_Lady — Fri, 24 Nov 2017 07:33:13 GMT

I am absolutely shattered. My husband and I have been married for 21 yrs, together 28 yrs. we met when I was 17. Five days ago he revealed over breakfast that he doesn't love me anymore and just loves me as a friend. He wants to feel that butterfly love in his chest and he doesn't get that with me anymore. We were a couple that did everything together caravaning, shooting, camping, shopping, bush walking etc etc. We very rarely argued and a few days prior he was sending me loving texts (which he often did) I am in complete shock as I had no inkling at all this was to happen. Everybody I tell are totally shocked and say you are the last couple I thought this would happen to. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I cry constantly as I thought we would grow old together. We had loads of plans for the future set in place, by him. So I am totally blown away. I have no job, as he said 5 months back I could throw my job in of 16 years and have a break for a bit. I have moved in with my parents as he is still living our house. I have moved my horses, given away all my chickens and reptiles. He has lost nothing. I can't see light at the end of the tunnel. Any tips on how to cope with loosing my best friend as ever time I think of my future it totally freaks me out big time.

Husband of 21 yrs left me 5 days ago.

MissMySon — Fri, 24 Nov 2017 14:19:55 GMT

Hi Shattered lady,

I am sorry to hear of your separation. I have great empathy for you. I am 3+ months out from a separation of a 5 year relationship, its a very stressful and painful thing to go through. I dont know if he is having a midlife crisis or what? Hopefully that is the case and he comes to his senses.

Really try to take care of yourself, If you find you cant eat, try some UP N GO, its a breakfast drink, and will give you some nutrition. Go see your GP, tell them you're not sleeping/eating, he/she will give you the best advice in those areas.
I was quite distraught for the first few weeks, but I found that getting a bit of sunshine helped, just try and focus on the warmth on your skin. And also, focused slow deep breathing may help you to relax.

I'm up quite late most nights, if you need to chat, I'm here.

Regards,

MMS/Scott

Husband of 21 yrs left me 5 days ago.

sjay88 — Fri, 24 Nov 2017 14:39:25 GMT

Hi ShatteredLady, I am so sorry.
I am a male, but wouldn't know what to do if my wife came to me and told me what your husband has told you, and so out of the blue to. You must be devastated, and I feel for greatly. Like you I have been married a long time and if my wife came to me out of the blue, I would feel devastated and hurt deeply. I can only imagine what it must be like for you, especially so out of the blue.

Similar to MMS, my suggestions is to try and do little things for yourself, even if you don't feel like it. I guess i am saying try to spoil yourself a little, at least once a week if possible. Do some womanly things, like have your haircut, or get a hairdresser or friend or family member to dye it, have a massage, get your nails done. Go for coffee with a girlfriend, or family member. Try to go for plenty of short walks, especially in calming places such as the beach, or near water. I know it will be hard to make yourself do these things, but I think it is important to pamper yourself at this time.

Warm hugs to you SLady
Sjay88

Husband of 21 yrs left me 5 days ago.

geoff — Fri, 24 Nov 2017 17:16:19 GMT

hello Shattered Lady, I have great empathy for you and feel your pain, because the same happened with me after 25 years, although at the time I was depressed and self medicating with alcohol, so in hindsight I was the one to blame, but she was my first true love and always thought we would be together for life.
We had achieved a great deal together, sure there were ups and downs but I lost the love of my life.
We're still in contact and when we speak talk as if nothing happened, have a laugh, joke together, but now we couldn't live back with eachother.
Love and marriage is complicated, but we never know if someone is beginning to become depressed, maybe not from the marriage but other issues that they are hiding and keeping to themselves, what this will do is make them feel as nobody means much to them any more, because their love has been smothered by this illness, so this will make him want to be by himself.
There maybe clues that you remember where he has been off colour, if so it could be taken as just having a bad day, but it could be more than this.
I'd really like to hear back from you when you want to. Geoff.

Husband of 21 yrs left me 5 days ago.

Shattered_Lady — Fri, 24 Nov 2017 18:45:01 GMT

Thank you all so much for your kind words. It's so hard it's like a part of me had died. He was my fist true love and still is. I honestly feel in my head and heart he won't be returning. I am currently living with my parents that I haven't live with for a very long time. So it's all a bit surreal. It feels like I'm just staying here for a break and I'll be able to go back home soon and it will be all ok. But that is definitely not the case. This will be my home for a long while yet. The house needs to sell and I need to find a job before I can really do anything. At the moment my future feels very daunting and unachievable. It's just a nightmare really. I wish I hated him but that is not the case.

Husband of 21 yrs left me 5 days ago.

Sonno — Fri, 24 Nov 2017 21:55:35 GMT

Pretty much same happened to me. To paraphrase John Lennon : Life just" happens" though we've made other plans. Lots of horrible things happen- think war,famine,car crashes,rapes,murders.Loved ones have to live with the consequences. I lost my wonderful sister,who died tragically with her husband in the horror of Black Saturday.'

TIPS: On loosing your best friend - In time, you could be just friends. "M" and I are.Still love and care for each other.

On thinking of your future - DON'T. The old saying " One day at a time" applies here. Just focus on your day. Learn meditate, to quieten your mind - it'll help you find the " inner" you. Turn to nature - sunsets, forest & or beach walks,birds in flight,changing skies. Watch little kids at play. Spend time with your horses ( I had a Thoroughbred Stud ). Get a dog - truly unconditional love, always happy to see you.

Finally, you will come through this and, if you want to, go on to make the world a better place.

Husband of 21 yrs left me 5 days ago.

bindi-QLD — Sat, 25 Nov 2017 02:51:55 GMT

Dear Shattered lady,

I'm so sorry for your grief and pain, its a terrible shock to go through, and even worse that you had lose some of your animals and worry about their future . I keep a lot of exotic pets too and love horses; they feel like family to me. You've lost not only a husband, but now you have all the worry about their future too. I'd be absolutely devastated being hit with both blows at once.

I have gone through it too, my love of my twenties left me abruptly for a much younger girl when I was in a vulnerable position. I'm glad you have parents to stay with, security is very important at a time like this. Hopefully they are giving you the support you need.

I remember finding it very hard to be angry too, I think empathetic people find anger hard to feel; they are more likely to be understanding and forgiving before angry. But it is a very protective& important emotion, because it counters your loss of self worth. It is the emotion that picks you up tells you that you are valuable, you deserved better treatment and lot more sensitivity than what you were given.

You can be angry at a loved one's behaviour, and still feel love for the man. You spent 21 years with him, he was obviously a good man in many ways and that's why you loved him. But his behaviour in abandoning you with such flimsy reasoning is outrageous, immature, disrespectful and unrealistic. Noone reasonable abandons their wife and leaves animals without protection because they think `butterflies in the stomach' are more important than the 21 years a good woman invested into his marriage.

Noone in a marriage that long feels butterflies. That chemical reaction goes away soon after courtship, and progressively gets replaced with much deeper and stronger emotions that really mean something. It makes me think he's courting another person,which would make him a cheat and abuser of the financial power he had in your relationship. So if you can, try to be angry at his behaviour. Hard to do when you're kicked right down, but just try to find it.

In my books, someone who gives 21 years to marriage, and their time and love to other creatures for no other reason than to see them happy is a very good person. A deeper person who is worth something. What your husband did is shallow and shows a great deal of internal emptiness.

Anyway hugs, Just take one day at a time. You'll be up and down but you will survive this, I promise.

Husband of 21 yrs left me 5 days ago.

Shattered_Lady — Sat, 25 Nov 2017 07:12:01 GMT

Thank you so much. I shed many tears reading your post. You are such a very kind beautiful person and I appreciate your kind words. Xx

Husband of 21 yrs left me 5 days ago.

bindi-QLD — Sun, 26 Nov 2017 05:14:49 GMT

Thank you for saying so , I think the same about you.XX

I hope your family and friends are helping a lot, you really deserve a lot of love and care right now.

Husband of 21 yrs left me 5 days ago.

Billy2 — Sun, 26 Nov 2017 07:26:10 GMT

I feel your pain as i am going through the same thing right now.

My wife of nearly 20years together for 24 wants to seperate. Says she loves me but not in love with me. She wants space.

I am the same as you devastated.

Feel free to be angry at him though. Its naturally and you dont deserve this treatment. I have days where im sad and days im so angry. You should tell him exactly how you are feeling.

I told my wife i feel cheated and i am so angry she is giving up on us.

Its hard isnt it when they give no real reason.

Its good you have people to talk to and make sure you share your feelings and get support.

Have you thought about seeing a counsellor/physcologist yourself to help to cope?

Husband of 21 yrs left me 5 days ago.

Shattered_Lady — Mon, 27 Nov 2017 04:45:54 GMT

Hi Billy

It's very hard indeed. Quiet cruel really, when you don't see it coming. I can honestly say I have no idea what went wrong. I feel for you so much, it isn't a nice process to go through at all. I have seen a physiologist and have another appointment in the new year. I have also visited the local GP. Our house needs to be sold and I am not looking forward to that.

Husband of 21 yrs left me 5 days ago.

Shattered_Lady — Mon, 27 Nov 2017 04:48:10 GMT

Can anyone recommend any good books to read about coping with separation? I would like to fill the night non-sleeping void with reading to keep me busy.

Husband of 21 yrs left me 5 days ago.

Libby1 — Mon, 27 Nov 2017 13:43:37 GMT

I understand how devastated you feel. My H of 20+years gave me the I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You speech a few years ago. He said he was leaving. I found out there was someone else. An EA that was about to become physical. I was devastated. He did not leave, supposedly broke off the affair but continued to see the OW at work. He continued to do all the typical midlife crisis things. It was very traumatic. One day he went too far and I asked him to leave. He did. I felt relief. If your H is having a midlife crisis it may be better if he is away from you. He came back but it has been slow progress. Things improved a lot when he changed jobs. I think he is depressed but he doesn't want to talk to a GP or counsellor. He is being more loving to me but we are in some sort of negotiating / power struggle. The best resource I found was Debra MacLeod Marriage SOS online audio courses. She gives very practical strategies on how to manage your emotions and what to say and not say to your H. At the moment he has all the control and power in your relationship and you are (as I was) a mess and in shock. EG when he says ILYBINILWY you say 'sometimes I feel that way too'. If he says I want to separate you say 'that might be the best for both of us'. Try not to show him your raw emotion or appear needy or clingy or remind him of all the good times. This does not help. (I got this wrong at the time). Do not try to get him to go to counselling. If he blames you for relationship problems, either shrug it off and walk away or say yes I could have done XYZ better but I always thought that we could have worked together as a team to solve this issue. Try to detach yourself emotionally (hard to do and takes time) distance yourself from him (he needs to want to come to you) and defamiliarise (change some things about you eg hair, clothes, hobbies). If you cry and beg you will push him further away. If you change some things and get a great life he will be curious and it may draw him back. The tough thing is, it may not. But you will be building a life for yourself either way. Also read The Midlife Wives Club. Be very kind to yourself. It will take you time to understand more about what his behaviour is all about. Take it day by day. See your GP for sleeping tablets. Try, try to spend more time doing things for you rather than worrying about him. Pretend not to care about him. He will try to keep you upset. Don't rush selling the house. xx

Husband of 21 yrs left me 5 days ago.

Shattered_Lady — Tue, 28 Nov 2017 03:51:54 GMT

Thank you so much for replying Libby1. He is still living in our house of 14 years and I am living with my parents. We tried sleeping at the opposite end of the house scenario. But I could not handle it as he was coming home at all hours of the night. I have tried to keep contact with him to a minimal, but it is slightly hard when the house is for sale and so much paper works needs to be done. Thank you so much for suggesting the midlife wives club. I have joined just waiting for approval. It will be good to read when I can't sleep at night. Thanks again for all your help, really appreciate it. Xxxx

Husband of 21 yrs left me 5 days ago.

notsorosey — Tue, 28 Nov 2017 07:53:43 GMT

I'm so sorry for your pain. I too like many that have posted understand all too well what you are going through.

I'm 2 1/2 months in and I would love to tell you I'm doing better but that's not the case. But everyone is different. Some take longer than others. I fear I'm in the longer category. We are still in limbo, selling the house, still to sort finances, sharing dog custody. It hurts every time I see him and like you empathise rather than get angry, although I have got angry a few times and it was a good release so if you can take yourself there. you have every right to be angry.

One thing I would change is taking meds sooner. I was very against them as I thought I would get through the depression the same as I always have. I went on the a couple weeks ago and they have helped. Use the psychologist/counselor as much as you can as well.

Happy to chat when ever. Your story feels so similar to mine although I was 12 yrs. Blindside, he lost nothing I lost everything etc.

Sending love

Husband of 21 yrs left me 5 days ago.

Libby1 — Tue, 28 Nov 2017 22:21:38 GMT

Depending on how things are it can be a good thing to keep seeing him. Just try to not appear emotional in front of him. Be matter of fact and almost a bit dismissive. Listen to him to see if you can decipher what he is feeling but don't get too involved in a discussion that is all about him. If it is a midlife crisis he will say a lot of crazy hurtful things just to throw you off balance. Don't ask him why to any of it. I have learnt that with midlife crisis 'there is no why'. He doesn't know why he is doing the things he is doing. Google 6 stages of a midlife crisis and see if this helps you work out where he is on his journey through it.

I know this is very early stages for you and you are most likely just trying to sleep and grieve and keep going. If it is a midlife crisis it will take time for him to get through this and do the work on himself only he can do. What will you do for you during this time. Say you have the gift of a year or maybe two to suit yourself and pursue something you have been wanting to do. What would it be. Maybe it is little things like exercising or meeting with friends or family. I know this may be difficult now but give it some thought.

What also helped me and this took a while for me to do (part of detaching from him) is to realise that his behaviours are not a reflection of me. They are a reflection of him. In relationships we have such a strong 'us' identity. You are you and other people see you as you. He is him and other people will see him and his behaviours as him. He is an adult and will make his own choices about his life and his body. Let him go ahead and do that.

Stay strong. It will get better.

Husband of 21 yrs left me 5 days ago.

Shattered_Lady — Sat, 02 Dec 2017 20:37:25 GMT

It’s been a struggle the last 24 hours. Last night I went to my first Xmas function without him. It felt very weird that he was not by my side. Our new caravan sold yesterday and our first open house is next weekend. Some days I think yep I have got this, then a day later I’m back to the beginning. I just want to text him to say that I miss him like crazy. But I know it will only make things worse. I am over trying to process it all. Not looking forward to Xmas at all.

Husband of 21 yrs left me 5 days ago.

MissMySon — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 05:04:29 GMT

Hi Shattered Lady,

I am feeling very similar emotions, one minute I find my self missing my ex's company, the next, I remember all the horrible nasty things she has done. This is me 4 months after separation, still in emotional chaos.

I hope you find the strength to persevere, and overcome the negative, and embrace the positive.

MMS/Scott

Husband of 21 yrs left me 5 days ago.

DNA — Sat, 09 Dec 2017 07:25:20 GMT

Really feel for you, we become so accustomed to having our partner by our side. And they’ve gone, you don’t know why and you want to contact them and say you love them, They can’t see or feel your broken heart. Without warning my wife walked out on me 2 months ago, destroyed me, I’d be lost without my weekly doc appointment. Feel for you, folks say time will heal.

Husband of 21 yrs left me 5 days ago.

Brad49 — Tue, 12 Dec 2017 05:20:47 GMT

Same here. My wife walked out on me sept 21st for another guy. Miss her nearly every day.. But im exercising getting myself fit and keeping myself occupied and im back to dating.I think thats they key keeping yourself occupied.My wife is in a state of limerice right now and anything said to her would be a waste of time.. As she wont listen. Limerice lasts anywhere from 3 to 18 months.. So i accept my marriage is over.. time to move on