topic Struggling. in Relationship and family issues

Struggling.

Leonie230 — Sun, 07 Jan 2018 08:24:11 GMT

Hi all

My partner went overseas to spend time with his family as hes not from here and it wasnt anything out of the norm for that to happen. He visited there every 18 months or so. I stayed here because financially we cant do that trip as a family - we have two children - every 18 months.

He went for 4 weeks. Its now been 10 months and still not home. The intial months passed as a blur. He told us he was staying overseas and not returning...our world collapsed.

Didnt see that coming at all.

To say we're still struggling here is an understatement. Im going to see a therapist as this anxiety and feelings of rejection and the anger are still there.

I feel I am overloading my loved ones for advise and what to do and thought Id be in a much better place by now.

Hes returning back here in a few weeks. He misses his kids too much. I dont have a clue how Im going to handle it when it happens.

Thanks

Leonie.

Struggling.

JessF — Sun, 07 Jan 2018 23:37:19 GMT

Hello Leonie, you must have so many unanswered questions. It's no surprise that you are still feeling the anxiety of uncertainty, the rejection at being left adrift and the anger at being left to raise the family by yourself, because there has been no resolution to this. And with your partner now returning, the feelings will be all coming to the surface again.

With a few weeks to go, there's still time for you to make a plan of how to handle things when he arrives. There must be a lot going through your mind. What would you like to happen next?

Struggling.

Bethie — Mon, 08 Jan 2018 00:21:13 GMT

Speaking as a mum i would be taking steps to make sure he can not take the kids out of the country. We see it time after time. That would be my biggest fear. Do you want him staying with you? If not prepare and set boundaries

Struggling.

Ellie05 — Mon, 08 Jan 2018 01:05:01 GMT

Oh Leonie, what a devastating thing for you and your kids to go through. I have no experience with a situation like this but I know what it's like to feel like I'm overwhelming my loved ones with my need for their support when I'm struggling. They always tell me not to worry about it and that there's nothing to apologise for but I can tell it is sometimes hard on them simply because they love me and it hurts them to see me struggle. The good thing is that you are seeing a therapist soon so you will be able to say whatever you like to them and get it all off your chest. You can also call the BB hotline if you're struggling at any time. I also wonder if it's worth checking out if there are any support groups for single parents. Connecting with people in a similar situation can sometimes help.

Struggling.

Leonie230 — Mon, 08 Jan 2018 02:11:46 GMT

Thanks, Ellie for your reply. For starters he just needs to acknowledge what he's done. If he comes back and just goes on with his merry life without giving some explanation to us will kill me. I'm scared of that and how I will react. He's blamed this whole situation on everyone else, but taking no accountability himself.

Struggling.

Leonie230 — Mon, 08 Jan 2018 02:13:15 GMT

Thanks, Bethie for your reply.

The children are far to big now to coax out of the country. But I have taken steps re their passports etc not being anywhere in the home.

Struggling.

Leonie230 — Mon, 08 Jan 2018 02:14:43 GMT

Thanks, Ellie, for your reply. Much needed. Thanks.

Struggling.

Leonie230 — Mon, 08 Jan 2018 02:19:12 GMT

I mean, Jess, not Ellie - Sorry 🙂

Struggling.

Leonie230 — Mon, 08 Jan 2018 02:24:17 GMT

Update: I have told him last night not to come home. Just leave us be and forget us; we can't deal with this mess - all of us are girls and we are all very heartfelt and open and honest but we are driven by our emotions and my girls are freaking out completely on the thought of him in the house again. They cleared all his things out about 5 months ago when he told them very clearly he was never coming back. We talked about and we've decided that we actually don't want anything to do with him anymore but he's not listening and reassured us he will fly back in a few weeks. I can't believe it's gone from tears of utter sadness in our home to this fear of returning.

Struggling.

Leonie230 — Mon, 08 Jan 2018 02:32:24 GMT

Just wanted to make it clear the fear we all have is based on that trauma of him just leaving and not being scared of him physically or anything like that. He was a very hands on dad and had an extremely tight bond with his children and from the start has been a phenomenal dad - he was a huge part of our lives and there was always a lot of love between all of us. And this is the reason we are so scared - what if he does this again? I have so many questions.

Struggling.

Ellie05 — Mon, 08 Jan 2018 08:20:33 GMT

Hi Leonie,

No wonder his leaving knocked you down so much. It would have been such a massive shock that he just walked out. You did the right thing by asking him not to come back into your home. If he wants a relationship with his kids that's something he will have to rebuild piece by piece. I hope all goes well for you. Try not to imagine scenarios that haven't happened yet (I know this is incredibly hard when you're anxious). It's good that you have your daughters for support.

Struggling.

Artemisia — Mon, 08 Jan 2018 12:56:51 GMT

Leonie that sounds so very unsettling. All you can do is to look after yourself and your daughters. I'm not sure how old they are but he needs to be responsible for rebuilding those relationships with them.