topic Putting my domineering mother into care in Relationship and family issues

Putting my domineering mother into care

Julz01 — Thu, 04 Jan 2018 14:31:00 GMT

Last week I put my mother with dementia into care. It's been tough she keeps asking when she is going home. I take her beloved dog in to visit & she breaks down every time. I keep telling her a couple of weeks or I don't know when she's going home; truth is she can't go home she has let self care lapse, wanders in her pyjamas fortunately nice strangers have brought her home. Yesterday was a bit traumatic she would not let go of her dog & stood at the front door demanding to go home, the centre had to go into lock down. Fortunately the centre have approved her dog to stay for a trial. I had to leave at a side door & staff took over an hour to coax her back to her room. I didn't want her to go into the high security wing because so many of them are much further gone then her but the centre have made me feel we are running out of options. I feel traumatised by the events of yesterday, I feel incredible guilt for removing her from her home & I feel overwhelmed that I have to soon make efforts to sell off her assets to pay for care. I had my depression & anxiety under control since hospitalisation 14 months ago but it's creeping back up & I have started drinking again, which I know I have to settle so my plan is next week when I go back to work routines after holidays.

Putting my domineering mother into care

geoff — Thu, 04 Jan 2018 17:35:00 GMT

hello Julz01, I certainly know what you are saying but because she wanders away from home then you won't be able to keep an eye on her while you are work, and I hope the home decide to let her dog in when you visit her, she will get used to her dog coming and going, it will be sad for her but especially you, so you have to make that decision whether or not you the dog goes with you.

When one of our parents or someone you are very close to begin to show signs of dementia it's heartbreaking that you know you maybe losing, but you shouldn't feel guilty because she couldn't be left alone in her home and any help to look after her has ended.

Professional care will be able to look after her 24/7 but at the moment you need to make sure you look after yourself, alcohol is a quick way to forget but then there comes a time when you may have drunk too much and this is when you break down and start to blame yourself and hate the feeling of knowing that her assets have to be sold, but old age is something we have to cope with each day, and no it's never pleasant to realise that what we could do 20 years ago we can't now.

Since you've been in hospital with depression and anxiety I worry about what's going to happen to you, so please go back to your doctor and don't use the alcohol as a way of self medicating, that's what I did, all for the worse. Geoff.

Putting my domineering mother into care

demonblaster — Thu, 04 Jan 2018 18:03:31 GMT

Sorry Julz that'd be very hard for you, glad they're prepared to do a trial with dog

This will take a bit of time I imagine but with luck she'll settle & get used to being there & the routine
I understand you feeling guilty but this is out of your control & was a necessary change for the good of your Mum

You've done well with controlling your Depression & Anxiety may I also recommend to be very careful with grog as it's a depressant too.

All best to you both

Putting my domineering mother into care

Quercus — Fri, 05 Jan 2018 01:13:50 GMT

Hi Julz01 it is good to see you back on the forums (even if I wish it was under better circumstances).

I was having a conversation yesterday with my husband about how I'm worried about my mum. She was carer for my grandparents and worked full time over a period of 10 years. Now they have passed away she doesn't seem entirely well. He told me there have been studies about how carers can develop PTSD from the traumatic experiences of caring for a loved one over a long period of time.

Your post reminded me of this. The experiences with your Mum are affecting you understandably. In some ways it is easier to deal with a loved one having an accident and passing away. Watching someone decline over years is horrible. I remember my Grandma's dementia making her so aggressive and it was heartbreaking because she was the most gentle person I knew. She was angry because she was frightened and confused and it was hell to watch.

I really do think it is time to go see your medical professional. To debrief and if possible to talk about how you're feeling. What do you think?

❤ Nat

Putting my domineering mother into care

Quercus — Fri, 05 Jan 2018 01:29:22 GMT

Hi again Julz01,

I'm just doing some forum housekeeping so that people are able to better support you (by knowing more of your story).

Currently the forums don't have an option where we can bring up all threads by one member. It means we all end up repeating ourselves and asking you the same questions (like what professional medical support do you have?).

I really hope you don't mind me doing this Julz. If you do please just report this post ok?

More of Julz' story can be found here:

Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Going backwards but trying hard to look forward

Forums / Suicidal thoughts and self-harm / Feeling like a fraud

Putting my domineering mother into care

Julz01 — Thu, 11 Jan 2018 10:15:38 GMT

Thanks everyone for your support. It's been a new week for me getting back into self care including back to the gym, eating healthy & no alcohol. I have decided to distance myself fro Mum for a couple of weeks in the hope it will help her better transition to permanent care; it will also help with my self preservation she seems to forget who has visited her & I can't cope with the attacks on me and demands to take her home. I've seen my GP had a long chat got a new mental health plan to kick of the year & I will book a debrief with my psychologist soon.

Thanks again everyone

Julz

Putting my domineering mother into care

demonblaster — Thu, 11 Jan 2018 10:29:05 GMT

Thx hun, good on you Julz sounds like you're doing the right things

So glad you have a mh plan & having a break is a really good idea, way too much to have to deal with.

And you're looking after yourself patting your back nice going ☺

Appreciate you keeping us in the loop

Very best for you

Putting my domineering mother into care

Quercus — Fri, 12 Jan 2018 01:10:05 GMT

Hi Julz,

DB has said it all really but good on you. It can't be easy to back off from your Mum for a bit but sometimes you have to come first for your own sanity and wellbeing.

Keep taking good care of you. Congratulations on giving the booze a miss too.

❤ Nat

Putting my domineering mother into care

geoff — Sat, 13 Jan 2018 17:29:51 GMT

hi Julz, pleased to hear that you have started to look after yourself, that's very important and to stay away from your mum for 2 weeks is a good way for her to get accustomed to the daily routines of permanent care.

I know personally that it is so difficult to leave a parent in care, the exact problem happened to me when my Mum was put into a nursing home, mentally there was no problem but physically she couldn't walk after a knee replacement, so it made me cry to leave her and I had to wait a couple of weeks before I saw her again.

Please look after yourself. Geoff.

Putting my domineering mother into care

Julz01 — Sat, 27 Jan 2018 12:16:24 GMT

I think the pressure of the last 6 weeks came to a head. Friday night I took a heap of my meds but all that did was make me exhausted for 2 days. I fell asleep & woke up at 3.45 pm the next day.

my husband & I don't argue but he got a bit angry this afternoon. He says I am too soft on our children, lend money to my 22 year old son when he needs it, d't say no enough to my 14 nearly 15 year old daughter & my 20 year old son doesn't interact with us conversations result in one word answers. My eldest daughter is the only one respectful of both of us, helps with duties/ appointments for the grand parents & will find a bill & pay for it.

I get more respect then my husband but that's probably because I am the soft touch, but I also know they can tell me things they are afraid to tell their father. But they are short with him when he tries to have a normal conversation with them & I hate it. All I know is the freeloading disrespectful adult children are causing a rift in my relationship with my husband and I have to step up with my kids & give them the hard talking to.

whilst my husband was on a roll he brought up my drinkng, which I do of a weekend and said he can't cope anymore with the boozy blues each weekend where I am reluctant to get out of bed. I feel like shit. He reminded me when we had 10 or so months of me in a good headspace when I was not drinking, he said I can't just have 1 or 2 drinks which he is right I am a binger. I said March I will stop again.

on top of this I am getting pressure as my mum's guardian for allowing her to go into the high security section of the aged care facility but sadly she kept trying to escape, but just as sad she can hold a better conversation than those she's Locke in with. So it's a rock & a hard place. I am now sorting her house with decades worth of stuff getting ready to sell it to pay for her aged care - btw she blames me for being there.

i think m a tad overwhelmed!

Putting my domineering mother into care

demonblaster — Mon, 29 Jan 2018 08:34:34 GMT

Hi Julz & all

Just wanted to let you know I haven't deserted you & plan to return. Keeping up with posts.

Hoping you've got some better sleep now & feeling a bit brighter & stronger from it.

Putting my domineering mother into care

Summer Rose — Mon, 29 Jan 2018 09:11:20 GMT

Hi Julz. I read your recent posts and felt moved to respond. Wow, you've got a lot on your plate. My heart goes out to you.

With regards to your mum in high care ... please try to remember that you really had no choice. You are doing what's best for your mum in-line with professional caring and medical advice. I don't know that there's anything else you or anyone else could do.

It's a lot of responsibility being a guardian for a loved one and I think you're doing right by your mum. You've made your decisions, now try not to look back. Perhaps you could remind whoever is pressuring you about your mother's living arrangements of the serious and very real consequences your mum could face should she actually escape. You could also consider asking these people to help you. If they feel some ownership of the decisions being made they might be less critical.

You might also want to speak with the nursing home management about arranging your mum's eating/table arrangements to ensure she has other residents on "her level" to talk to at meal time. The staff could also ensure that your mum gets the opportunity to attend any activities/events at the home that are of interest to her, as these activities are already supervised. If you can get these arrangements in place, it could turn out to be a happy compromise that protects your mum's health and safety and ensures she gets the stimulation she needs.

I wish you the best of luck with your mental health plan and lifestyle changes. Once you get mum sorted I really hope that it's easier for you to deal with the rest.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Putting my domineering mother into care

demonblaster — Mon, 29 Jan 2018 09:48:31 GMT

Summer Rose welcome 🙂 just wanted to say what a great post spoken so well with care & so many good suggestions. What a boom to BB

Putting my domineering mother into care

Summer Rose — Tue, 30 Jan 2018 00:51:21 GMT

Thank you, demonblaster. Your thoughtfulness and kind words mean a lot, especially given your significant experience and contributions to bb. I am new here and have been reading your posts and those of others (White Rose, Geoff, etc) to gain insight and understanding of the site. So, thank you, for helping me gain the confidence to join in. All the best.

Putting my domineering mother into care

Julz01 — Tue, 30 Jan 2018 10:46:27 GMT

Thanks Demonblaster & summer rose for your supportive advice. The nursing home rang me last night because my mother wanted to talk to me - well my mother gave me a mouthful. The nurse apologised and we agreed not to allow her to ring me. I will visit her at my own pace.

after a few months break I have bitten the bullet & booked in to see my psychologist Thursday. Hopefully that will help me to find my way again.

Julz

Putting my domineering mother into care

demonblaster — Tue, 30 Jan 2018 12:00:45 GMT

Hi Julz & Summer thanks very much lovely to hear, it'll be learning of you not the other way round 🙂

Julz, this would be ripping so sorry for your pain.

Congrats on psych consult they're a great source of release and can help with coping strategies, all the best darl, be interested to know how you go 🙂 no pressure

Putting my domineering mother into care

Summer Rose — Tue, 30 Jan 2018 22:54:25 GMT

Hi Julz. So pleased to hear about your upcoming appointment. Good on you! Your mother's call would have been terribly distressing but I suspect that type of behaviour from an unsettled/unhappy dementia patient is not altogether uncommon. Your psychologist will no doubt better be able to help you understand your mother's illness and put her conduct and behaviour into perspective. One step at a time.

Putting my domineering mother into care

Julz01 — Sun, 25 Feb 2018 04:22:15 GMT

Hi all

just checking in. I spiralled so far down that I have just come home from a couple of weeks stay in hospital. I don't feel great but much better than 2 weeks ago. I am hoping to do a day program through the hospital that runs one day a week for 12 weeks. My doctor wrote a letter to my employer but I have to wait & see if they approve me to work part time for 3 months.

On another note My mum seems a bit more accepting of her new surroundings and it's best if I see her in the morning when she's at her best.

thanks again everyone

Putting my domineering mother into care

Summer Rose — Sun, 25 Feb 2018 04:46:16 GMT

Hi Julz

Welcome back. I am sorry that you have been so unwell. Bless you. Even after all that you have been through, you are still thinking about mum. You are amazing.

Take good care of yourself. The day program sounds great. Fingers crossed you get in and that you get support from your employer.

Take each day as it comes. Easy does it. One foot in front of the other, at your pace. Post when you need to. We are all still here.

You are in my thoughts and prayers x

Putting my domineering mother into care

demonblaster — Sun, 25 Feb 2018 05:51:43 GMT

Julz hi ☺ and all

Thanks for updating sorry you've been doing it hard but happy to hear you're better than previous weeks. Hard times aye hun

Thats great news your Mums starting to settle a bit, takes time and new routines can be unsettling. Hoping her settling is easing your mind a bit.

No hurry for reply wondering about the day programme?

I too hope work give you the part time work for the 3 mths.

All the best darl take care of yourself and hope you continue on the up.