topic Sexless Marriage and Depression in Relationship and family issues

Sexless Marriage and Depression

WhatGoesHere_ — Wed, 24 May 2017 05:52:30 GMT

Hi Everyone,

I've unfortunately been in this situation for a number of years now, however it is starting to get to the point that being in a sexless marriage is probably hurting me a lot more than I ever thought it would. To start with I do need to point out that I love my wife, which in itself is probably the reason that being in a marriage like this hurts.

When we first met, the sex was constant daily if not every second day. Fair enough this wasn't going to last forever as we got older, however it has gotten to the point that it happens every 3 to 8 weeks. I have spoken with my wife about this and unfortunately it lead to a big argument that nearly saw us divorce. This was a few years ago and we managed to work through it. We came up with a date night type situation, which worked for about 4 weeks and then stopped as my wife didn't like it being organised. We have tried a few things on and off to stimulate things again, but it always sort of fades away.

We have spoken about it and it comes down to my wife just isn't interested in sex that much anymore. I mentioned that it isn't only sex, but lack of affection. The reply to that was that every time she was affectionate I wanted sex. So there is a bit of a communication break down there. I did suggest that she could be the one to initiate sex instead of me, so that way she could be affectionate without having to worry about me trying to have sex with her. In hindsight I think this was a big mistake, as I am now in the situation that I can no longer initiate sex, and if I want sex it is when my wife wants it. Basically I have no power over something which is causing me quite a bit of anxiety as the option I have seem worse than what I am going through.

Just to even things up a bit here so it doesn't appear that I believe it is all my wife's fault. There are other issues at play here. My wife has depression and won't see anyone about it, and to top that off she is also has been dealing with some ongoing pain over the last 9 months. I do understand that this will reduce libido, however I am doing what I can to help. I do feel a bit selfish feeling the way I do since I do understand what she is going through, but it is getting to the point that I can no longer deal with it.

I guess my reason for posting on here is two fold, one to see if anyone has any suggestions on how I can cope, and secondly if anyone has been through something similar.

Thanks for reading

Sexless Marriage and Depression

Apollo_Black — Wed, 24 May 2017 09:29:29 GMT

What Goes

I feel for you buddy. I've been in your exact same situation and I know how you feel. It sucks.

I could talk to you for hours on this topic but I won't, not just yet.

The first thing I would recommend is don't bring it up with your wife until you've done some more homework. Don't mention sex, absolutely shut up about it. Secondly, hang in there. Try not to blow up about it. Divert your energy into something useful like intense exercise. Intense exercise.

I'm not sure how much homework you've already done but google a guy called Athol Kay. He has some great books on the subject (and a great video series on Vimeo called "Married Guys Guide To Wife"). He also has a Youtube channel that might start you off on the right track (free content is always good, and you can ask him questions). Start from the beginning and go from there (as in his Youtube videos). Just keep everything to yourself ok? Look this guy up, absorb all the information you can and make that your focus for now. As hard as it sounds forget about sex with your wife for a while until you've addressed a few things with yourself first. You can even do coaching with this guy if you need to.

Don't tell your wife what you're up to, just look up some of this stuff and get to it. What I recommend right now though is to not to mention sex and work out. If you've shelved a passion or hobby of yours, get back into it. Get onto Athol Kay. Choose the Red Pill (google it but don't go down that rabbit hole too far). Report back - if you want to. There's a longer thread about this subject somewhere here, but just google Athol.

Essentially there's so much potentially at play I'd have to ask you a list of questions as long as your arm... kids...when did the sex go bad....are there any critical (bad) moments that happened in the relationship...money issues...health issues....

The fact that it almost ended in divorce isn't a great sign, if she felt that strongly about it. I'll shut up now...

Sexless Marriage and Depression

geoff — Wed, 24 May 2017 23:48:32 GMT

hello WGH, a great reply by Apollo Black, and indeed your position is no longer any different to what happened in my marriage, which has now ended.
When we first went out it was daily, but as soon as we were married it changed, and every good deed I did there were no rewards, so after a long period I gave up, until she moved into another room, because I was depressed and self medicating on alcohol, and she believed that she had tried so hard to help me, with no success.
Just before this happened I caught her ringing from a public phone booth, not once but three times, indicating the calls were to someone who she didn't want me to know, so we were living together and that's all.
She moved out but I never wanted to get a divorce, but that was out of my hands, however now a days we talk regularly, nothing has changed between us, but we couldn't live together any more.
I hope this won't happen, but as AB has said the more you pressure her, the more she won't want to perform in any intimate activities, but there has to be a cut off point, where it can happen at the spur of the moment, where you can take her out for dinner, a movie or anything you both enjoy. Geoff.

Sexless Marriage and Depression

WhatGoesHere_ — Thu, 25 May 2017 06:44:05 GMT

Thanks Apollo, Some great advice there. I'll go through the suggestions and see what I can learn. I've already got that written down as something to try and do, ie figure out what how I can improve (not change) myself and see if that helps.

I have already resigned myself to not trying to have sex anymore, it's easy for me to deal with if it is off the table. No expectations, no disappointment!

Thanks again for the reply, much appreciated!

Sexless Marriage and Depression

WhatGoesHere_ — Thu, 25 May 2017 06:48:20 GMT

Thanks Geoff,

I am a bit worried that there is someone else in the picture, but I also put that down to me just thinking the worst. Hopefully it isn't the case here, but it is something I keep an eye on.

I'm planning on trying as much as I can to keep the marriage together, but I'm sure there will be a breaking point where I can no longer deal with it. I just need to make sure that it is all handled the right way and that I have given my best effort.

Sorry to hear what happened to you, can't imagine how hard that would of been.

Thanks again for the reply, I really appreciate it.

Cheers

Sexless Marriage and Depression

Apollo_Black — Thu, 25 May 2017 09:51:53 GMT

Geoff made a very good point. It's all part of the process, and excluding an affair is an important factor. It can be done very subtly, but if you have any suspicions you need to check - just don't get caught.

Also, whatever you do to improve yourself, you HAVE TO DO IT FOR YOURSELF. If you do this to get sex it will fail. Improve yourself to become the best person you can be, for you and no-one else. It's a lot of hard work but things can turn around. If they don't then you will be in the best position to eject her from your life and find someone better

Sexless Marriage and Depression

snoods — Sat, 27 May 2017 04:52:04 GMT

I hope that my advice might be able to help you understand things from your wife's side.

I am a woman and while I was married I refused to have sex with my husband for numerous reasons which I will list below.

A woman finds it extremely difficult to engage in sex when it feels as though the intimacy and personal connection has been removed. Sex between a husband and wife is supposed to be about a journey and not as though it is a means to elevating a physical urge. There is nothing more powerful than when 2 people willingly give themselves to another person to engage in the physical act of making love. So often over time couples forget what sex is supposed to mean and it becomes a routine. Your wife doesn't want to feel as though you expect her to have sex just because you are married.

There is no quick fix to this issue but if you truly love her then take the time to show her that it's her you love and not the act of sex. Try this for the next 60 days. Give her a sweet but simple compliment every single day and never make it anything to do with the topic of sex. Go out of your way every day to do one thing nice for her even if it is taking out the rubbish before she asks but never bring it to her attention what you have done. No matter what, don't make a single negative comment, engage in an argument, or show any sign of frustration about anything. And don't have sex with her even if she wants it for those 60 days. She will notice everything, maybe not at the beginning but she will and she may even try to have sex with you to see if that is why you are being so nice and by you not wanting it she will see that you truly love, support and appreciate her for who she is. She will see that you are putting her first before yourself and she will feel like she did when you first met.

Sexless Marriage and Depression

beingbyrne — Mon, 29 May 2017 10:45:25 GMT

Dear Snoods

Excellent reply, all men should read this

Sexless Marriage and Depression

Apollo_Black — Mon, 29 May 2017 12:42:01 GMT

Exactly what not to do...

Sexless Marriage and Depression

Mr_Walker — Tue, 30 May 2017 15:16:41 GMT

I don't want to get into an argument about Athol Kay or hijack the thread but I feel like I need to add a counter opinion - I haven't read his books but from his blog and numerous quotes I've read from him, he has a very adversarial approach to sex and marriage, suggesting there should be secrecy, spying, paternity test etc.

It seems more logical that openness, honesty and closeness is a surer path towards intimacy and sex than installing spyware on your wife's computer and demanding she prove her fidelity by a paternity test...

Back to the topic though - I am in a similar situation from time to time though usually in cycles of a few months at a time - my wife suffers from depression also - though she takes medication and sees her psychologist when she's depressed, she stops when she feels better and it generally doesn't last - it's a constant swing... I think she may need more regular medication/therapy but it's a touchy subject for us...

I agree with snoods advice (not implying you don't take out the rubbish already!) and is your wife's depression a topic you can bring up with her? I know what you mean about feeling selfish - you don't want to sound like you're saying "could you get some anti-depressants so we can have more sex"! But more like - "you don't seem as happy as you used to be, do you think we could get some help?" - that can be a really tricky conversation though and may not be an option? Loss of sex drive is almost depression symptom number 1 though.. Just my thoughts, good luck, J.

Sexless Marriage and Depression

WhatGoesHere_ — Mon, 10 Jul 2017 07:33:16 GMT

Hi Everyone,

Apologies for not replying sooner and thanks to everyone that has replied. I think the fact that there are differing opinions is more of an indication that there is no magic bullet to fix any issue issue. I'm taking an approach that borrows ideas from everyone on here, not to discredit any of the other ideas on here but as it suits my situation the best.

Just to clarify things though, it isn't just about sex it is about the lack of affection. I don't believe my wife is obligated to have sex with me, however I do believe that both people in a relationship have an obligation to show the other one that they are loved.

I have tried a lot of the ideas mentioned by snoods and Athol Kay, however I've normally concentrated on doing one thing at a time. So my plan of action is:

I am trying to improve my self-esteem, not for my wife but this is for myself.
I've stopped trying to initiate being intimate with my wife
Ensure that I tell her I love her before we go to sleep and when I leave for work
I am trying to get her to do things with just me, date night, watching movies together, that sort of thing.
I am continuing to help out where I can at home, this one has never been a problem with me as I do like to cook and do all of the traditional male stuff around the house

Unfortunately I've also come to the conclusion that something needs to change. As I mentioned earlier, I have had an argument/discussion about this with my wife a couple of years ago that nearly ended in divorce. I'll keep trying until the end of the year and will try my best at it, but I have made the decision that if it doesn't change then I will let her know that I will leave unless things change. I hate having to resort to an ultimatum to fix the relationship, however it isn't really a relationship if the effort is just coming from one party.

Thanks again everyone for the advice.

Sexless Marriage and Depression

Hikarue — Mon, 17 Jul 2017 01:15:37 GMT

Hi WhatGoesHere.

Me and my husband go thought almost the exact situation about a year ago so I can try to help you here. The only difference is I was the one who went to find our solution and luckily he agrees to work together with me.

About 2 years ago I started taking the contraceptive pill, This leads to changes in my body. Depression, sudden mood swings and feeling very uncomfortable during sex. This cause me to dislike sex and not enjoy it anymore. However, it took me months to figure out that the pill was the main culprit. However during that time, it was very difficult for us. My husband constantly is unhappy with my low libido, accused me being the least horny woman in the world, saying how unlucky he is to have such a non-horny wife. It was so difficult for me that I seek out advice from online material and experienced married couples. One advice I never forget is not to withhold having sex with your husband as it is the quickest way to end the marriage. During that time, I requested for my husband to sit down with me to watch marriage counseling video together every night and have discussion after that on the things we learned. We watched the video on Youtube by Braden Andenson 1 episode each time. I also asked him to do nice things for me such as writing me a card, says nice words to me.. etc. Basically I was the one educating him on all the things he have to do to make me arouse and feel more in love with him because he refused to see anyone about our problems. Some tips I told him to do is to write me nice words, or poems in a card as a surprise, send text messages to me every time I'm at work to remind me how much he love me and how important I am in a creative way. Woman wants to be emotionally connected first before being physically connected. So work on that.

I agree with Mr Walker that your spouse needs to be your best friend too and openness and honesty is the best way. So try to work on being emotionally connected to her and find out what is causing her low libido and pain. Never say anything nasty to her or argue back. Get creative in showing her how much you love her (you can research on this). Be honest with her that you are working to find a way to make the marriage a happy one for both because if she cares about the marriage, she will work with you to improve it too.

Good luck.

Sexless Marriage and Depression

Apollo_Black — Tue, 18 Jul 2017 04:56:20 GMT

I'd cut out step 3. Could get pretty annoying and seem unnecessarily needy

Sexless Marriage and Depression

Apollo_Black — Tue, 18 Jul 2017 05:37:30 GMT

Also, as you initially mentioned, the biggest issue here appears to be your wife's depression and her refusal to get it treated. If you think she has depression then your priority should be getting her to get it sorted

Sexless Marriage and Depression

Hairboy — Wed, 19 Jul 2017 12:42:39 GMT

I've been recently battling this one, compounded with depression of losing my 68yo mother to a lengthy battle with breast cancer 18 months ago. It left me feeling very isolated and alone, with depression the almost inevitable consequence. But in the past few months there's been a major turnaround, and i hope my experience helps in some way.

Firstly, i wrote it all down on paper. Everything. And not for her to read, but for me. I read it daily, it really helped me to drill down and focus on which parts of my commentary wad selfish in nature, which parts were exaggerated, and what was really at the heart of my problem. In effect, it helped me understand my own issue and discard the whiny bits!

Then, i wrote another letter. This time to my wife. I kept it fairly short, and basically said that I understood that i wasn't my best self right now and that i knew she understood i was struggling with loss as well as the loss of intimacy. I explained that I'd been patient, and that although i didn't expect her to be a sex slave, i did think it was reasonable for a caring partner to occasionally just say yes for the sake of her partner. I made a joke comparing sex to other household chores, pointing out that she wouldn't be too impressed if i decided to stop helping around the home until she got me in the mood for cleaning lol.

Then i pointed out that i was going to stop asking, and let the dust settle, but that she should know that every time i winked at her or brushed past her, that i was still thinking she was a hottie and that I'd love to get down to business.

Then, and this was the hard bit, i did my best not to mention sex or frustration. I just gave her the old twinkle in the eye sometimes. It worked! Within 2 weeks we broke the drought.

Then came the acting part. I really struggled, dug deep within myself, and after sex i did my best to sparkle. To be my old self. And i found that reminding myself that SHE had initiated sex was enough to help that along!

Within about 6 weeks she was asking me to initiate sex, and being playful almost daily.

Bottom line... let go of the issues and let her fall in love again.

I acknowledge that this may not be the panacea for everyone, but II'm hopeful that this process brings healing for someone!

Sexless Marriage and Depression

RusselB — Wed, 26 Jul 2017 07:13:17 GMT

The problem is that when one is already in such a situation, its like a stick of dynamite all set to go, with a very short fuse :). The soft & silky solutions that are often proposed, would seldom work, as the frustration level will bubble through at the first time that one sees that one's plans are not having the desired effect. I tried many "get back on track" plans that failed. They failed because my frustration shone through, but i did also have some major successes too. For example, i made up my mind that i was going to end the marriage & that is something you need to decide: "if this continues as is, what would i be prepared to risk". And i sat my wife down & was able with a clear mind, to speak with planned notes & bullet points in my head. One of the things i said was : "Well if the roles were reversed, & you had a high sex drive & I had none, how would you feel about that?" Her answer was "Well I suppose i would also feel pretty angry & dejected" Getting the other person to be in your shoes, is a very powerful tool. A marriage needs effort, consideration, compromise, & ongoing love from both parties. If one party doesn't add to that "arrangement", then effectively, they are not being faithful to the other party. So what is my current situation & what is my bottom line that i will not budge on: We have sex fairly regularly, more so to tick the box but that's ok most of the time. It does help a lot. What is my line in the sand: if the sex becomes a once a month event, then that would be the end of it, not negotiable at all. It sounds harsh, but this has been clearly communicated & i don't want it to dwindle down to nothing because the enjoyment from making love for me has always been immense. This notion that "helping around the house a lot more" - am not so sure that it makes a difference at all. But i continue to do that, because that's what a partnership is about. I am often surprised that many men don't seem to help around the house - how did that ever creep in to the scenario!! don't help expecting a reward, just start doing what you should have been doing all along. If it does help then that's just an added bonus, but remember, you should have been doing that all along, this doesn't tip things in your favour but rather just steadies the raft onto an even keel.

Sexless Marriage and Depression

Jasoncastle — Thu, 30 Nov 2017 10:36:49 GMT

Hi,

I dont really want to winge but I don’t know where to turn.

My wife and I have been married 7 years, 2 kids, shift workers and no family nearby. I knew after we had kids our lives would change but now things have deteriorated into nothingness.

My wife has no drive for intimacy at all. She says to me that it’s ‘my responsibility to initiate’. But when I do this she makes excuses, timing/ she’s too tired, I’ve initiated wrong. We have talked/ argued about this but she just in the end shrugs and says she has no drive and if I ‘need’ it I have to try harder. (An impossible task I think) and Not exactly appealing.

My confidence has hit an all time low and re- triggered my anxiety. Also not a big concern for her as she’s too busy with kids/ work/ gym. Apparently I’m supposed to accept this new lonely life. She went to a doctor ages ago who said ‘this is normal’.

i feel useless, unattractive and just like a loser...

I love her very much but why would someone who says they love me become so distant and willingly just disregard an important part of our relationship.

Sexless Marriage and Depression

sye — Fri, 15 Dec 2017 21:15:43 GMT

RusselB I think you summed it up very well actually.

Jason --> thats just plain rude - you have to try harder. That to me says one of two things, either you are married to a very selfish person (have a look at her other traits and see if this adds up) or she is satisfied elsewhere. This is by no means you being useless, a loser, or unattractive mate, those items belong with the other party - not you - but - coming from the same mind space you work in its easy to convince yourself its your issue.

Unfortunately people become too wrapped up in their day to day lives and just consider sex as one of those things that doesn't matter too much when the other partner wants it --> no matter if the other partner is climbing the walls / frustrated to the point of who knows what, part of this is a societal problem (notice how we are all so busy and distracted, when, actually nothings changed over the years just the level of distraction is now intense)

Just know that you're not alone on this one mate. eg: in my own marriage I have not had sex in next to forever, the last time I 'tried' to initiate it she was willing, then, she started making funny stuff and jokes up at the time which killed the mood and put things off entirely making me feel utterly worthless and rejected (yes I suffer from anxiety and depression and am medicated for it) - at that point I entirely gave up on my wife and marriage and now feel nothing but contempt for her. That said I reckon majority of the male population is underwhelmed by their level of sex (the stigma attached says we are all sex driven males) but the point is entirely missed ; once sex leaves your 'marriage' - so does the connection to ones other partner. As per alot of other articles I have researched and read over the years it often (but not always) leads to a breakdown of the marriage unfortunately.

From a business perspective if I were that clinical about it I would take her to court and sue for breach of contract. If she worked for me I would fire her as not meeting her 'non negotiables' as an employee.

To me to be at this point with someone I loved and had children with, is in the truest form of the words and utter tragedy.

Sexless Marriage and Depression

britchy — Mon, 25 Dec 2017 11:10:35 GMT

Hi Whatgoeshere,

I’m sorry for what you’re going through - you truly sound miserable and have every right.

If I may shed some light on what seems to be a pretty common topic, maybe my perspective will help to frame it a bit better.

I too am in a sexless marriage. The last time we had anything like it was probably two years ago - initiated by my husband and it was a total fumbling, shaky, sweaty disaster. It was so awful and uncomfortable for me, and I think for him too, that it never happened again. He has tried to initiate it plenty of times and is still atttacted to me sexually. The problem is, I am not in any way attracted to him anymore. It’s not that I don’t think he’s attractive, he’a a good looking guy, the attraction is just gone. I think a lady above hit the nail on the head when she said that for a woman, sexual attraction between two people is much deeper than a physical one. For me, our marriage slowly broke down over the years, we don’t communicate well at all and are like two ships passing in the night. For me, it’s all gone. Nothing he could do or say will make me feel like having sex with him again.

I guess what I’m trying to say is “you’re not doing anything wrong”. You both need to decide if you want to be in a relationship and try and make it work or not. When the sexual attraction is gone, in my mind, it’s all but over unless you’re both committed to making the relationship work. Your wife needs to be honest with you.

I’m miserable over my situation. Good luck.

Sexless Marriage and Depression

Frankly — Wed, 27 Dec 2017 07:30:07 GMT

Sex isn't a contactual agreement? If it got mentioned during my marraige vows..must have missed that bit. It's also not a calander event with x's in the diary. It starts in the morning of every new day. Foreplay ain't just a fumble at 9pm. It's courting..and courting ain't dating before marriage. It's cheeky inuendo creating a moment without having to have it instantly as per agreement.. it's called making your partner want you to walk through the door. It starts in the morning with see you later and goes on through the day by reminding your partner you are there and want them. Reset moment. They way you felt the first time...the patience and understanding should be every time...the same.