topic New to Fatherhood, Overwhelmed and Exhausted in Relationship and family issues

New to Fatherhood, Overwhelmed and Exhausted

Anathemation — Wed, 03 Jan 2018 03:37:20 GMT

Hello All,

I'm a first time dad, my daughter was born just over a week ago.

Now I'm no stranger to anxiety, I have it and for the most part had it conquered. Long-story-short is that I had a rough childhood and worked through PTSD, depression and anxiety through medication and psychologist therapy.

So 9 months ago my partner of 2 years told me she was pregnant, and while we were in less than stable circumstances we decided, after much back and forth, to keep the child.

The pregnancy in itself was quit good, I found work and my partner finished university and it was quite a stress free time right up until after the birth. Even the birth itself was a calm and exciting event, everything was great with the daughter. She and my partner are happy and healthy.

So here is the crux, I am feeling bogglingly overwhelmed by the change. I feel anxious being at home due to not really being able to eliviate my partners stress in feeding around the clock. When I leave home for work I feel a crushing separation, like I'm going to miss something or something will go wrong.

For the past 3 days I've been bawling my eyes out at random times, just because I feel like I am being hit by everything all at once.

So I guess I'm here to see if there is a light at the end of this anxious tunnel and if anybody else has tackled fatherhood like this. As well as gain any helpful survival tactics to get through this time.

I'm glad to be here and to meet you all. 🙂

New to Fatherhood, Overwhelmed and Exhausted

Sophie_M — Wed, 03 Jan 2018 03:47:57 GMT

Hi Anathemation,

Welcome to the forums and congratulations on the new arrival! While you're waiting for some replies from our community, please feel free to have a browse through our Dadvice website below - there's a lot of information and videos there you may find helpful:

Welcome to Dadvice - because babies change everything

New to Fatherhood, Overwhelmed and Exhausted

Anathemation — Wed, 03 Jan 2018 03:52:09 GMT

Thank you, Sophie_M!

I'll have a gander through Dadvice, sounds like it'll have some great tips and perspectives 🙂

New to Fatherhood, Overwhelmed and Exhausted

tim55 — Wed, 03 Jan 2018 04:20:40 GMT

Congratulations Anathemation,

First up let me say I admire you and your partner's decision to go ahead with the pregnancy.

There is light at the end of the tunnel, my children are just about all self sufficient now and are wonderful people to be around. I'm sure you will feel the same about your daughter.

The funny thing is that there is no single guaranteed method for raising a child. So I suggest to you a couple of things in no particular order.

Love your partner, and love your daughter. You are providing for them by going to work, but come home and do whatever you can for them. Cherish your partner and your daughter, they are both a gift.

Be kind to yourselves. Most parents had little idea when they first started out, you will learn.

Babies can be really fragile, but they are incredibly robust as well. Take care but be confident.

Probably not of a great deal of use, but some thoughts.

Tim

New to Fatherhood, Overwhelmed and Exhausted

Anathemation — Wed, 03 Jan 2018 04:29:07 GMT

Thanks, Tim!

It's reassuring to hear that there will be better times ahead. You're right about the no guaranteed method to raise a child, I often feel I'm swimming in the dark, but its

New to Fatherhood, Overwhelmed and Exhausted

Anathemation — Wed, 03 Jan 2018 04:31:59 GMT

Thanks, Tim!

It's reassuring to hear that there will be better times ahead. You're right about the no guaranteed method to raise a child, I often feel I'm swimming in the dark, but its good to know it gets easier as she grows up.

I cherish my partner and child dearly, they are often what keeps me going at the moment 🙂

(Also sorry fpr the double post, my phone can be finicky)

New to Fatherhood, Overwhelmed and Exhausted

tim55 — Wed, 03 Jan 2018 04:40:49 GMT

My pleasure Anatemation,

You are in for a journey of joy and sadness. But mostly joy, cling to your partner and daughter, they will keep you going.

Don't worry about the double post.

Do you have any handy support around, like some Grand parents, or Aunt/Uncles. In time you and your partner are going to need some time for yourselves or some practical help like a meal dropped off or help with some cleaning. If somebody offers, take it up.

Tim

New to Fatherhood, Overwhelmed and Exhausted

Anathemation — Wed, 03 Jan 2018 04:56:37 GMT

For sure, I'll keep our little family together with love 🙂

As for family I have quite a large support base: My Parents, my brothers, some friends too. Its a little isolating with friends since I'm the only one in the cliche with a child now.

New to Fatherhood, Overwhelmed and Exhausted

Anathemation — Thu, 04 Jan 2018 01:45:31 GMT

So i think I should post an update on feeling to try and articulate what is happening with my anxiety.

Last night was a flurry of cluster feeds, so closer towards morning I let my daughter sleep on my chest and relax for an hour and it was honestly one of the most relaxing things I've done in the past week.

However through the morning I've found I've been having bouts of uneasiness, I feel like I'm losing a sense of self and not really enjoying anything at all that I normally would. I have to work soon and I'm concerned I'm running myself into the ground.

New to Fatherhood, Overwhelmed and Exhausted

Artemisia — Thu, 04 Jan 2018 06:59:56 GMT

My experience with anxiety is that the unpredictability of young children can be very hard to handle. Mine are older now but the times when I was focused on them and what was happening right at that moment instead of looking an hour, a day, a month into the future was easiest. Acknowledge to yourself how huge this is too, it is a massive shift when you start parenting and it is normal to have doubts and fears. If they are becoming overwhelming then chat to your GP and do not be afraid to ask people for help.

New to Fatherhood, Overwhelmed and Exhausted

tim55 — Thu, 04 Jan 2018 23:31:05 GMT

I think what you are describing is very normal and something most parents go through.

I don't want to sound harsh, but you are a parent now, your life has changed forever and your sense of self will change considerably, so a little uneasiness about that is to be expected. As Atremisia has said, its a massive shift and some doubts and fears are normal. The advice about going to the GP and seeking help from others is wise.

A very young baby has a huge number of demands, you and your partner will have to watch out for yourselves and each other. It is too easy to either become run down and not do well at work, or do far to little and cause resentments to build. Make sure you and your partner talk honestly to each other about how you are feeling, take the opportunities to rest and relax when they present themselves and even make them as you have talked about, holding a sleeping child is very special.

To me, not a health professional, you are doing well.

New to Fatherhood, Overwhelmed and Exhausted

Anathemation — Sat, 06 Jan 2018 00:14:31 GMT

Thanks Tim and Artemisia,

I do think I'm being stuck in the moment a lot, I never really look for the times ahead so maybe thats making me feel a little stuck. I feel pretty on edge when I put my daughter down to sleep, even though she just makes baby noises and such I'm quite jumpy to be at her side.

As for the gravity of the whole fatherhood feeling, I think I'm coming to terms with it slowly but I think a trip to the GP is in order to see if I can knock down the constant anxiety.

New to Fatherhood, Overwhelmed and Exhausted

tim55 — Sat, 06 Jan 2018 08:07:07 GMT

Hi Anathemation,

I can remember doing one of two things when my kids went down. Early on, I would side and look for a while, a little worried, but many looking at the wonder of new life, laying there peaceful and safe. Later on, when we ha a couple of kids, when the baby went to sleep it was time to get busy with other things, or catch up on sleep.

If in doubt, I think the idea of a quick trip to the GP is a good idea, especially if he know s you well.

New to Fatherhood, Overwhelmed and Exhausted

Iron_Forge — Thu, 18 Jan 2018 13:10:38 GMT

Hi Anathemation,

If your wife is capable of breast feeding how about she expresses some into a few bottles
so that you can take over and bottle feed bubs and give your wife a rest from the stress of feeding? My wife suffers from clinical depression and that hit hard after the birth of out daughter Abby, my wife struggled to breast feed (just couldn't produce the milk) , we had to bottle feed, what we found was a good routine that worked for us was I started work at 6.30AM, so I was up at 5.15 AM and that was a good time for me to feed and change our daughter, letting the wife sleep in for a bit longer, feed times were 5.30am (dream feed.... as Abby was still 1/2 asleep!), 9am, 12 noon, 4pm, 7 pm and about 10.30pm, now I would get home at 4.30, get tea ready (6ish) bath Abby and feed her at 7ish, giving my wife time to relax and get the sleep she needed she would go to bed about 9pm ish, I would also do the 10.30 feed and nappie change before going to bed, it was a great routine wife got decent sleep and didn't feel stressed...great for me and bubs!, as for being overwhelmed and feeling like you might miss something not a chance, (I did the same thing) but the thing to remember is that we have mobile phones, we can take pics, videos and face time so your not going to miss a thing (we have over 10,000 photos and god knows how many videos (on a hard drive and icloud photo library) of Abby from the day she was born and even pics of her yesterday at her swimming classes. there is no manual for this at all...all you and your partner can do is your best, we all screw up some thing some how...were human (bound to fail at something!) and if some one offers help take it, from doing the clothes washing to bringing over a pre-cooked meal and when bubs sleeps you sleep, you've probably got the next 60 years to figure it out so don't stress!