topic Emotional infidelity in Relationship and family issues

Emotional infidelity

Painting — Sun, 19 Nov 2017 07:57:37 GMT

My wife and I have been together for over 8 years, though only recently got married. Our relationship has been very strong over the years and on the surface it appears strong to this day.

Earlier this year she became friends with a man from the same social club we belong to. She had previously remarked about his good looks and she had also mentioned to me when he was drunk one night, how he thought she was very beautiful. Having had a very stable relationship up to this point, I had never felt threatened in any way.

My wife and this man continued to grow their friendship (always hanging out together at social club events and the like). One day I decided to do something I had never felt the urge to in the whole time we had been together, which was check the messages on her phone. There was a torrent of communication between them, flirty and familiar in nature but nothing sexual. I told her right away how I had breached her privacy and was sorry, but also asked her if she had feelings for this man. She said she didn’t and that they were just friends.

Months went by. Our marriage was seemingly healthy (regular sex, many dates, lots of fun), but something in my gut was telling me all wasn’t quite right. I decided to have a look at one of her social media accounts and saw hundreds of messages back and forth between the two of them - all hours of the night and day; all of them written when we were not in each other’s direct company. I’ve asked her about their friendship again, which only angers her and leads her to accuse me of being jealous and possessive. I did not tell her I had secretly accessed her messages. I know if I were engaging in a ‘friendship’ in the same way she is, she would be very upset. Indeed I have let so many of my friendships with female friends over the years wither away out of respect for my wife and her feeling of security within our relationship.

I am currently in an awful cycle of my wife telling me she loves me to my face, but concurrently having this secret intimate friendship with this other man. It’s been incredibly draining putting on a brave face when I know all the lies she’s telling me. I feel depressed and at the same time have no one to talk to, as I am so ashamed of breaching her privacy the way I have.

I feel I am a good man with many good qualities and I would rather my marriage end so I can try and move on, rather than live in this situation which I can only see ending in physical infidelity.

Emotional infidelity

quirkywords — Sun, 19 Nov 2017 10:36:01 GMT

Painting,

Welcome to the forum and for sharing your story.

I think with all the social media available now there are lots of chances to contact people.

Privacy is very important and being trusted by one's partner on one hand ,of course on the other hand is the question of secrecy, is the partner being secretive and not being open.

Do you feel you can't trust your wife's friendship even though she maintains they are just friends.?

Having friends with a person of the opposite sex is fraught with difficulties when one is married. I have always had male friends , as I had brothers and not a sister so I found it east to talk to men. When I am in a relationship I know it is difficult to maintain a relationship with a male. I have had my partner look at my emails without my knowledge and misinterpreted a conversation where I was cheering up an old friend after his partner left him. I saw how hurt my partner and he does not believe that men and women can just be friends.was so I never contacted my male friends again.

Have you tried speaking to her without asking her questions, just saying how you feel about her friendship with the other man? Breaching her privacy is obviously not going to help things.

It is an important issue for you both and it would good if you could discuss it.

Thanks again for sharing your story.

Quirky

Emotional infidelity

Croix — Sun, 19 Nov 2017 12:04:50 GMT

Dear Painting~
A difficult situation, but one that needs resolving because it is obviously eating at you.

When talking about the sort of situation you are in it is just about impossible not to apply my own standards and expectations, so I’ll start by admitting they are just mine and may not suit others.

From my point of view any partnership involves loving, caring for and trusting the other. There should be an inbuilt desire to make the other person happy and secure. I also think that this means honesty.

I have a fair amount of correspondence and contact with members of the opposite sex - and members of the same sex too come to that - but never do so in isolation or secret. I consciously include my partner in all aspects of my life precisely so she can feel secure and not left out. As a result she is fully aware of what I'm doing and saying. I mention this to show I think personal contact with others is fine. It is secrecy and lies that poisons relationships.

It looks to me – if I have a proper understanding of the situation - as if there are two separate actions going on here that need to be straightened out. Your insecurity and distrust of your wife and snooping in her accounts without permission. Her not being open and keeping you informed, and further that she seems, on what you have said, to be content to leave you in an anxious unhappy state.

The question you are no doubt asking yourself - or at least I would be - is if there is some shortcoming of mine which leads her to want to correspond so heavily with someone else.

Like Quirky above I think that the pair of you need to sort out what has happened in the past, and set out a plan for the future that involves more openness at least. To remain as you are is corrosive.

I do have one other worry, you said you would prefer the marriage to end rather than live in a situation that might end in physical infidelity. Do you think that could be an overreaction? From what you said no such thing has happened, it is just an assumption, and your 8 year relationship, apart from this, has been strong. In my case I’d consider that a prize well worth fighting to continue – what do you think?

Croix

Emotional infidelity

Juliet_84 — Mon, 20 Nov 2017 13:19:26 GMT

She has remarked previously how good looking he is, and confided that he mentioned that he thought she was beautiful, so there is attraction there. That coupled with the fact that they are friends and you have seen flirty messages - I think you should trust your gut on this one. It's not like you are some controlling and jealous husband, by your own admission, you've been very secure in your relationship up until this point because you've had no reason to doubt her, up until this point. You need to make her end this now, she won't respect you if you don't.

Emotional infidelity

Painting — Wed, 22 Nov 2017 06:54:56 GMT

Thanks Juliet_84, Croix and quirkywords. I appreciate the time taken to write your responses. I feel that confronting my wife with an accusation based on evidence unethically obtained would be far more damaging to the relationship than the potentially questionable friendship she is engaged in. Perhaps a little bit of flirtation is ok in a friendship. I don't think she would be comfortable if she were to willingly hand over her phone and invite me to comb through all of her correspondence. I know in my younger years I would also not have felt particularly easy having my partner read through my messages (maybe a bit too flirty/friendly here and there). The thing is, I have realised the importance of conducting myself in a way where I would be happy if my partner were to read through anything I wrote. If I have to hide something from her, there's probably something wrong with what I'm doing. The fact that she hides things from me (at this stage in our relationship) is what's probably more bothersome. I know she would likely say the only reason she would hide this correspondence from me is because we had discussed it before and she knows I would probably take it the wrong way. But that's exactly the point - I don't think I wouldn't mind at all if she were out in the open about it. Everyone needs and deserves friends.

Emotional infidelity

Just Sara — Wed, 22 Nov 2017 07:27:12 GMT

Hi and welcome Painting;

How brave you are! It's risky business dealing with a suspected infidelity and feeling more for her than yourself; trust works both ways as I see it. I do respect your decision though.

Guilt is traditionally a useless emotion on this forum; it causes more grief than need be. The only way to address guilt is to speak up and take the hit. I figure your relationships worth it? You did actually invade her space yes?

The difference between her and you is being caught; the how's and why's are irrelevant because at the end of the day, suspicion breeds contempt. You can't un-know something. There's nowhere to go except Hades in your mind and heart until it's out in the open.

Priorities mean working out what you can live with. I've seen and heard more than I'd care to remember about what 'secrets' can do to people. Not only on here, but in my life as well.

I wish you luck P; I also hope you have the constitution to keep your secrets and not fall victim to them.

Respect;

Sez

Emotional infidelity

Croix — Wed, 22 Nov 2017 07:59:49 GMT

Dear Painting~

OK, you have made a decision to which has Sez above says: I also hope you have the constitution to keep your secrets and not fall victim to them.

Actually you say yourself: If I have to hide something from her, there's probably something wrong with what I'm doing

Well you did say that and in the same passage said you were not going to mention you had gone though her phone -um.

Obviously as the person on the spot you know the circumstances and your partner best. It does seem to me that you are not sorting the matter out and as time goes on you may feel more and more insecure and maybe even resentful as a result, plus the contempt Sez mentions. This cannot be good either for you or your marriage. Your partner should really be given the opportunity to have here input into the matter. If there is care and love then understanding that someone can be insecure and make a mistake as a result is not that hard. True she may be angry, but justifiably so.

I know it is easy for people here to offer advice, and to seem to disregard the risks involved. All I can say is that any relationship has to be robust enough to stand telling the truth and the making of mistakes if silence means one or both persons are going to be badly affected.

Maybe in the end it all comes down to confidence, confidence that you are a partner worth having, and confidence your wife knows that.

Croix

Emotional infidelity

Apollo_Black — Wed, 22 Nov 2017 11:06:49 GMT

Listen to Juliet_84

You are completely justified investigating this matter so don’t feel bad going through her phone. Your wife is reacting in this way because she wants to shut you down so you she can keep getting her dopamine hit from this man.

If you have evidence that she’s having an EA then you need to use it to shut it down and shut it down hard. And if you have to go there, she also needs to agree to you having open access to all devices. If you don’t have concrete eveidence then she’ll take it underground and you won’t know what’s going on.

So in essence you have to be completely sure she’s having an EA. If that means checking her phone/email then so be it, including making sure it hasn’t gone physical.

Their relationship is completely inappropriate

Emotional infidelity

Apollo_Black — Wed, 22 Nov 2017 11:13:05 GMT

Is this guy married?

Emotional infidelity

bindi-QLD — Wed, 22 Nov 2017 23:28:58 GMT

Hi Painting,

I definitely feel the same way as Apollo Black and others; as much as your self worth and sense of security is shaken, I believe you need to somehow get your wife to end this friendship. And after that happens, you need to have full access to her communication/phone/email, for as long as it takes for you to feel secure in your marriage again.

Perhaps something you could try is to stay away from accusations for a little while, and instead focus on communicating your feelings of pain and hurt to her?. Tell her that whether she intended it or not, her secret friendship has caused you to feel a loss of trust and security in the marriage, and shaken your sense of self worth. Tell her in pain adn feeling depression.

If your wife is worth anything at all, she will care about your feelings. You're the man who has invested years of your life into her. Mr `hot and shiny' has invested nothing.

Emotional infidelity

Painting — Sun, 26 Nov 2017 23:41:47 GMT

Thanks again everyone for your advice. I feel so awful lying to her by not admitting having accessed her messages. I feel awful as well, knowing she’s lying to me by keeping the nature of her friendship secret. FWIW, the man is not married, he’s single. In fact, he has been not been taking the bait with anything my wife sends his way. Any time she has sent him something suggestive, he has opted to play it with a straight bat. I believe him to be a stand-up guy. I do wonder, however, what he would think if his wife (were he married) was having a friendship in the exact same manner as he is with my wife.

I have decided to see a professional counsellor. As helpful as this forum has been, the nuances of this whole thing are too hard to express in the written form.

Emotional infidelity

Ulysses — Sun, 26 Nov 2017 23:53:14 GMT

Counselling is good. I’m in two minds about what is going on. On one hand I know I did the same thing in my marriage. Flirted excetera and it was all about my issues. Needing to feel beautiful and getting attention as well as getting a buzz that the depression stopped me from feeling. On the other hand I wouldn’t end my marriage but should have. In the end my husband had had enough and did the hard thing for us both and now we are both in better suiting relationships. My new partner gives me the attention I was craving and I no longer feel like I have to chase it. I’m not saying you don’t give her the attention she needs but I am wondering if you are really suited and or whether she has depression?

Emotional infidelity

Libby1 — Mon, 27 Nov 2017 12:30:06 GMT

I understand how traumatic this is for you. My spouse had an EA with a colleague that was supposedly brief but he continued to work with her. I have learnt that affairs are about entitlement, manipulation, power and control. Try not to pour out your feelings to her. At the moment she doesn't care and this will give her more power over you. She knows what she is doing is wrong. Talk to a counsellor and close friends or family. People you can trust. Spend time with other people. You are hurting and in shock and disbelief. Also feeling guilty about reading the messages. Try to spend time doing things you enjoy. This is difficult I know but it gets easier. This will take time. You need to begin to detach yourself emotionally from her. Also very hard to do. Try to not be needy or clingy. This gives her power over you. She is enjoying the secrecy and naughtiness of this inappropriate friendship. Try not to let her actions wind you up. This is what she wants. The best resource I found was Debra MacLeod Marriage SOS online courses. They are audio programs on infidelity and inappropriate friendships and managing emotions. Well worth the cost. You need to try to manage your emotions, detach to the point that you are ready to separate (do you really want to be a third wheel) and build a great life separate to your relationship with her. Also be kind to yourself. My husband did change jobs eventually. We are still not through it but I am building a great life for myself and feeling much stronger.

Emotional infidelity

Painting — Sun, 03 Dec 2017 07:32:19 GMT

Thanks Libby and Ulysses. I don't think she's depressed. That's a good point about not being too clingy or needy. I had thought about that course of action (separating myself) though I feared and still fear that by doing that it will only give her more cause to seek attention elsewhere. I will try and focus on myself a bit more. Be the best person and husband I can be. If my wife wants attention elsewhere - whatever that entails - me worrying about it is not going change whether she seeks that attention or not.

Emotional infidelity

bindi-QLD — Wed, 06 Dec 2017 00:32:55 GMT

Hi Painting,

I've been going through a lot of relationship stress for similar reasons too, so I can relate very well to your feelings and thoughts about the situation.

I have a partner who attracts a lot of attention from the opposite sex too, who has poor boundaries where that is concerned. He's not a cheat, and not exactly a flirt either. But he gets extremely close emotionally to attractive women he meets, even randomly, and puts their need for attention before any of my needs. At times he has put himself in risky situations with them, developed a risky level of intimacy, whilst believing its all ok if there's no sex. At times he's been secretive. The women then usually start hating me and being possessive, then playing cruel games that hurt me deeply. Its been an awful pattern for years that leaves me feeling sick inside.

I can tell you that I've made a lot of mistakes dealing with it, not knowing how to communicate my feelings or stand my ground. My biggest mistake by far was scrambling around trying to be more valuable to my partner to compensate and feel safe. 15 years later, my self worth is shot, I feel sick of the mistrust, and feeling that I have to jump multiple hoops to have basic relationship security.

If I can suggest one thing, when your relationship issue is your partner's communication with the opposite sex, and its causing you to mistrust them or lose self worth, it really needs to be addressed. I wish I'd known how. All that other stuff- like trying to gain power in the relationship, or being a better and more desirable human- it just doesn't help because the issue is your partner's behavior, and the way it undermines the trust in your relationship.

What I feel about your situation is that at some point when you feel strong enough, you would be wise to discuss your wife's communication with the opposite sex. That's the real problem you face, and you can definitely come to some agreement about how she talks to men in private, and the time spent doing so. Just don't ignore it for too long, trust is the foundation of your relationship.

Anyway all the best, just keep trying!

Emotional infidelity

Croix — Wed, 06 Dec 2017 06:30:06 GMT

Dear Painting -with a wave to Bindi-QLD~

I think Bindi-QLD has painted a pretty clear picture of what needs to be done and why. It may be an uncomfortable thing to do, telling your wife you've looked at her private messages, however I would suspect the whole thing will get worse if you don't.

You can't address her behavior until you do so, and I agree it really needs to be sorted and boundaries set.

As Bindi says trust has to be there, lack of it is corrosive.

Croix

Emotional infidelity

bindi-QLD — Thu, 07 Dec 2017 04:25:03 GMT

Hi Croix, and a wave to you back!. Thank you for reading my post, it has been a very painful and confusing part of my life.

I most definitely agree with you. We hit a major crisis point this year , and repairing and deepening our trust in one another has been a major talking point for us. Its very painful, soul searching work. Its hard to gain proper perspective when you feel hurt and worthless. Some things that have been working for us include figuring out some boundaries and agreeing to transparency surrounding private communication (especially with the opposite sex).

We've also experienced a lot of detachment from one another over the years, his from me, then me from him. That is so hard to recognise because it happens so slowly. That part will take a little time to figure out, its more like a collection of subtle behaviours, than any one thing you can nail down. It feels like a lonliness inside, but you don't know why. We both became very good at distracting ourselves from that feeling.

What we both really aim for is that kind of trust where you know `My partner always has my back'. That they will be loyal when you are not there; that they will take as much care with their private communication, as they would if you were there. I do believe its possible, and that is what we are trying to accomplish.

I wish the best for Painting as well. Trust comes in stages for long term relationships, but I believe it is something worth striving for.