topic I'm new to the BB Forum and looking to share my experience with in-laws in Relationship and family issues

I'm new to the BB Forum and looking to share my experience with in-laws

ASmileADay_ — Tue, 26 Sep 2017 01:34:39 GMT

Hey Everyone,

I want to start saying hello and thank you in advance. As much as you are here to support, im here to do just the same. I'll keep my story short as possible. I have been with my partner for 3 years. After 8 months together we moved into his parents which was where my problems began. I was in and out of contract/temp jobs which was stressful plus the additional pressure to always be around his family. Plus the gossiping and b*tching that went was doing my head in. The control that was there was unreal. It wasn't until we broke up earlier this year that I had realised how far the control went. Despite our own problems that we never sorted properly, and couldn't because of family interference, his parents were telling him to break up with me as "all they could see" was us fighting and being unhappy/miserable and so they got their wish. We were not in a good place, but we weren't like that when we lived in our own place. I did my best to be fair to everyone plus myself, and it is very difficult to become a part of another family when you had such a different way of life and upbringing. But does that give anyone a right to tell someone to leave a person? On top of that I was being talked about behind my back which to this day I am so paranoid about. After two months of not being with my SO, I re-connected with him and we have had the necessary discussions and are doing this again. Though this isn't what I want to justify or talk about...as we both know what his family is like (he is very disappointed in them too, and in himself for being so blind). My problem now is not just the fact that nothing will be the same, but it's this paranoia I live with. Feeling like they are in his ear, that I will be criticised for EVERYTHING I do. I don't care as much as I did some months ago as I have found a couple of people who are apart of the family who see my SO's parents for what they are which really helps as further support. Perhaps I'm venting and not asking for an answer, but I just want to feel normal again. Im getting there slowly. But the experience traumatised me so much. I was angry with my SO, but I hated his parents for how they expected me to explain my actions, leaving me to defend myself. It was all too much, plus the gossiping and really nasty talk about others. It's just not for me...but I do hope that one day I wont have to second guess myself.

thanks everyone for hearing me out...I'd detail so much more but cant!

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Croix — Tue, 26 Sep 2017 07:10:22 GMT

Dear D~

I don't blame you for being angry, both with your SO and with his parents. I've been in a similar situation though in my case it was my parents that were causing the troubles and my SO who bore the brunt of their put-downs, scheming and emotional blackmail.

Well D, as far as I can see it boils down to this. In any partnership both people have to put their partner before ANY others - and that includes parents. If parents are causing a problem to either person then a difficult but essential choice must be made.

Partners care for each other, want to look after each other and make sure their life is a good as possible, so your SO can only do one of two things to ensure your well-being together. Either deal with his parents so they radically change, something that is unlikely, or move away with you and in any interaction he has with his parents ensure they know you come first.

I'd be the first to admit this is a terribly hard thing for your SO to have to do, unfortunately it is his own parents, by dint of their bad behavior, that makes it necessary. The up side is if he does make this commitment your current doubts and worries will quickly go away.

I made that choice and never regretted it during many years of loving marriage.

I'm glad you have found a couple in that family that are reasonable.

I hope this give you and your SO food for thought, I'd be very pleased if you talked again

Croix

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ASmileADay_ — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 03:12:23 GMT

Hi Croix,

Thank you very much for your response. And you are so very right. Its unfortunate that it took an event such as breaking up for that understanding to be learned by my SO. He didn't realise just how controlling and manipulative his parents had been until I was totally out of the picture. It was extremely difficult, and I never wanted to break up with him. I love the man! But he had a hard lesson to learn and as it happens we will be moving state potentially. Not just for the purpose of getting away, but to pursue our dreams and goals, plans that we shared for so long but didn't do.

I was most upset when I found out that his parents thought I was "taking him away" from them. I'm not trying to steal him all for myself. But his mother is very much the matriarch and pulls the strings. And god only knows what else was said behind my back. Im still very sad about it, there are days I just want to cry, I remember when it all happened...I just lost the plot. I felt like not only did I lose my dignity in his parents house, I lost my pride and my self worth and it was very depressing. I'd never felt so little. On top of that I felt paranoid and that has been the hardest to overcome. I've always been a level headed person. But there I was, questioning me and who I am.

The saddest but most comforting part though, is that I am not the only person who sees his family for what they are. My SO's best mate feels just as degraded by them as I did. They pick on everyone, even their own children. It really disgusts me, so my anger is fuelled by my passionate disgust for what they say. And that includes their kids partners too. And I do have to keep my mouth shut and respect the fact that they my SO's parents. I'm appreciative that he is aware of their tactics more now than he was before.

My SO is now moving up to where I am - and he has made it clear that will be happening, so I am very proud of him.

It's very comforting to know that there are others who have had similar experiences too. Its tolling. And it was the same as what my own parents had been through. It's a shame it happens, heartbreaking if anything. But we all have our life to live and fulfil to our own means. Family will always be family, no matter where you are.

Thank you Croix, I feel not so alone

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Croix — Wed, 27 Sep 2017 09:02:04 GMT

Dear ASmileADay~

I'm glad coming here has been a help. I'm also very glad that things are looking hopeful.

You are not taking him him away you know, he is simply growing up.

Breaking away from controlling parents is most difficult, as I said, but the effects in terms of accomplishment, self-reliance and pride are immense. Looking after a partner is a lifetime of reward, something I've been blessed to have.

If you would like to let us know how you get on we would be very pleased

Croix

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ASmileADay_ — Wed, 04 Oct 2017 22:36:57 GMT

Thanks Croix,

Its funny cause I feel that as certain situations arise, I end up feeling worse about the direction that life is going.

I can use a very recent example. My SO has been looking at doing a Cert III in Plant Machinery Operations where I reside. He got all the information from the business and of course spoke with his dad about it. From what I could gather his dad basically said the usual stuff: its sh*t work, sh*t money and you will probably have a hard time getting in and will be treated poorly. I understand that parents can give advice, but that doesn't sound like advice to me.

All of a sudden yesterday while my SO and I were talking and he was telling me this, he then proceeds to say he doesn't want to come to where I am cause he will struggle with work and getting a job. He doesn't want to become a miserable person doing something that he wont get any experience in so on and so forth. So my heart just breaks that little bit more. I did my best to keep my cool but how do you not cry. We spoke later last night and boy how the tables had turned. It was all of a sudden a good course to do (according to his dad, after he read through the information booklets etc). And my SO is somewhat chirpy about applying for jobs here.

Naturally I was so dumb founded and I lost it. I said to him can you not see what is happening here? I am so confused and upset and you don't even realise the control that's going on. Its like your dads god and his thoughts/opinions make you change your mind completely. How am I ever going to trust his decisions? It just makes me feel like we just aren't on the same level and it makes me want to put up with his family, even him, less.

And all this for love? I didn't think love was meant to be this hard or difficult. I feel a greater hole in my chest every day when this stuff happens. And I resent his family for the way they are...manipulative people. Whether they know it or not.

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Croix — Thu, 05 Oct 2017 10:32:25 GMT

Dear ASmileADay~

I'm afraid you have hit the heart of the matter:

How am I ever going to trust his decisions?

Well, if he is acting like a weather-vane responding to whatever view is current with his parent then basically you are dealing with that parent by proxy, not with a partner. If his parents were good people that had your interests at heart, inspired by love for you, then it might be livable - at least for a while. However sadly that is very far from the case.

I think you may be right in supposing:

we just aren't on the same level

He is not an independent person and is behaving as a child. Just the fact he shot down your (and presumably his) dream by saying he doesn't want to join you without discussion or apparent care for the effect on you seems to indicate your welfare is not his priority.

Then to do an about face simply on his father's say-so seems to indicate he has no ability, even on important matters - such as training and employment - to do independent research reaching a balanced and sensible conclusion. A great and very worrying lack of thought.

While on the face of it one might hope that moving the pair of you physically away from his parents might sort the matter one has to wonder if that will in fact be the case. I suspect that all the time there is a phone this problem will keep coming up.

I also wonder what would happen if contact with his parents was completely severed. While it might, as it was in my case, be the basis for his self-confidence and responsibility, I have a sneaking suspicion he might just transfer his desire to follow onto you. In that event you end up with someone who is not an independent and equal participant in the partnership, but merely an echo of you.

You know your SO, I'm just talking generally - what do you think?

Croix

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Cs2h — Thu, 05 Oct 2017 16:46:53 GMT

Dear D, i can relate in some of the things you've said because i experience something similar as well.

i'm actually waiting to be back in Australia so that i can see a psychologist to try and make me feel better again because this paranoia of always thinking they are talking about me is hard and also suffering from depression doesn't help.

Have you try speaking to someone (a doc or someone in this field) about how you are feeling? Because this feeling of paranoia unfortunately it will always be inside you since it's not like other sickness that go away after couple of weeks. But sometime speaking to someone and asking for help can help you to start feeling better about yourself.

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ASmileADay_ — Mon, 16 Oct 2017 22:16:52 GMT

Croix!

Thank you for your reply, it's a pleasure to have a civil conversation with someone for once.

Though I hate to admit it, much of what you have said is so true. I am worried that he will be a shadow of me as he doesn't understand how to take control of life, especially your own life. It's just an overall unfortunate situation and I hate it. For him, I am his first relationship. But he is my second. My first relationship taught me a lot, but it's very hard when you are dealing with someone who was under the control of parents but also, is now trying to flourish in their own right. Everything seems airy fairy now but I am curious to see how things unfold.

But what I will say is that, the plan moving forward suits me because whatever happens, he will either be with me or he won't. I can't expect that he will grow up completely overnight.

Im worried that I will always have this struggle with my SO. And that's not what I want. There are a lot of variables albeit. But I feel that doesn't excuse him from having the attitude he did with the plans. Which ironically, the plans seem to keep evolving. Yet I feel so relied upon for the plans. I mean yea, we are both in Victoria now. The plan is to head back to WA, he has applied for specific jobs that commence early 2018, but god only knows what will happen when it comes to an actual move.

So hard to predict the future. It doesn't help because I already feel that I haven't moved forward in life for the last few years. Although, that is due to my life choices, which I am conscious need a kick in the rear!

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ASmileADay_ — Mon, 16 Oct 2017 22:28:14 GMT

Hello Cs2h!

It is always comforting when someone else has shared a similar experience. I don't know about you but I feel it is so damn heartbreaking. And yes it is very much like a sickness and I know that I wont be completely 100% myself anymore. Once someone instils it in you, its hard to shake it.

I have been spending a lot of time meditating and attending yoga classes which has really brought a sense of peace to my life. I feel the paranoia has lessened but there are days that it crops up again, and I am able to wind myself down once I let myself feel that emotion and understand it. My approach to life is more practical and holistic. I have de-cluttered my life in many ways now and I have to say it goes a long way. And I do a lot of journaling.

I did seek counselling earlier in the year, but I quickly learned that only I can help myself. My mind kept trying to reach out to the counsellor, but no matter how relieved I felt after a session, it wasn't enough. So I decided to be proactive and just sort myself out. And everyday I am getting to a happier place.

Most importantly, in thinking about what was being said behind my back, I know why things were being said and I know what they were. And I have no doubt it's still happening. Even my SO knows that he gets talked about too. Funny because he quit his job to upskill in his field of work, but his parents don't like the kids to be at home and not work. Though he is the only child who has to pay rent every week. And not to mention that he was told that I have to "support him" now as his parents cant cause they are supporting his mums niece at the moment.

Lots of problems in that family though. I just want to feel free mostly. And I will get there in good time. As will you. If you do ever need to vent something or if you are feeling low, I am here (amongst others) as support.

I hope you can get back to Aus sooner than later. May I ask where you are presently??

Safe travels and i look forward to hearing from you!
D

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Croix — Tue, 17 Oct 2017 12:11:38 GMT

Dear D~

You sound more in control and less affected by your SO's parents than when you first came here, so that's good. I suppose you are adapting over time and making you adjustments so you can deal with their comments and such.

You seem to me a strong and determined person with, when anxiety permits, a realistic outlook on life. I do hope when you move away from his home environment your SO finds his feet and becomes the partner you need. I'd imagine having had a lifetime in a domineering environment will have taken a pretty big toll.

Croix

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ASmileADay_ — Wed, 25 Oct 2017 04:22:26 GMT

Hey Croix

Yes I do feel like I have a greater sense of control now, it's still a little bit difficult at times. Especially where his parents are concerned. No joke, every time I speak to him on the phone and hear his mum in the background she is ALWAYS laughing. I love a good laugh, but not that often. Its like she cant take anything serious. Everything becomes a joke. It makes feel irritated.

I feel for my SO, because he will never understand life until he really is away from his family. I'm glad that you read me as that type of person. It's taken a lot of heartache and pain and situations to become who I am now. And I am very realistic, despite my flaws.

Sometimes I feel maybe I am too strong and independent to even be with a partner. If anything I feel like I am burdened as being the "strong one". I dislike how I have moments during my week where I keep picking on certain things with my SO that I hope don't become issues later. And I often question is some of his ways what I really want to live with for the next however many years of my life 😞 that makes me sad because regardless of our issues, like everyone, there have and are still many good things that we want with each other and want to improve.

I just don't want to miss out on life. I want to reach 50 or 60 one day and be happy with my life choices, or at least, content enough that I don't regret anything.

Is it wrong to feel that way?

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Croix — Wed, 25 Oct 2017 08:37:34 GMT

Dear ASmileADay!~

There were a couple of things in that last post that stood out to me and maybe I might offer my ideas.

Sometimes I feel maybe I am too strong and independent to even be with a partner

Um, I'm not sure that is right. True some people are a bad mix, sometimes with one dominating and feeling always the one put upon, and sometimes when two strong characters constantly clash with always opposing views, an exhausting and unsettling experience.

I believe it is quite possible for two strong people to live in harmony, each taking account of the other's views and even deferring out of simple desire to look after the other. If their world view is similar they can each benefit from the strength of the other. I believe I've had that sort of relationship twice, I've been very blessed.

... keep picking on certain things with my SO that I hope don't become issues later ...

I've never been able to completely 'intellectualize' relationships and have had to rely upon instinct as well as logic. Maybe instinct is another name for experience - dunno. So if your instincts at this early stage are sending you warning signals I'd be inclined to take notice of them.

I have the feeling you are the type of person who will reach the age of 50 or even 60 without having fallen into too many pitfalls.

Croix (who is a little beyond those milestones:)

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ASmileADay_ — Wed, 25 Oct 2017 10:33:01 GMT

Thank you Croix. Your insight is appreciated. It’s really refreshing to have the opportunity to get perspective on my own thoughts. It’s all seemingly trivia things that may go on in my mind, but the truth of the matter is I’ve been heart broken before. And I’m sick of that cycle. So it makes me think perhaps it is actually me that’s doing something wrong. Hence why I question if my independence and strength is a problem. Perhaps a strong woman is fearsome to other men. I’m not sure.

i have instincts that often make me feel a certain way and im conscious of what that all is. It’s just hard to really see clearly since there is distance between my SO and I. So to know whether I’m right or wrong is hard.

when I was 21 my partner at the time (5yrs ago now) and I went to couples counselling. Pushed by me, cause he would leave me at any second to spend time with his mates (cause you know, priorities). Plus some horrid verbal abuse.

I don’t let it weigh me down like it used to. But my gosh there has to be light at the end of the tunnel at some point...

thank you for being here in the B.B. forum. I feel you have a wealth of experience and for what it’s worth I want you to know it’s appreciated and welcomed (milestones can only be a good thing)

🙂

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ASmileADay_ — Tue, 19 Dec 2017 04:08:06 GMT

Hello Croix,
I hope you are well and that you have some wonderful plans for Xmas coming up!

I just felt like I needed to drop a line about something that has recently occurred. I felt a huge surge of frustration and feel like you would be a really good sanity check.

I will be alone this Xmas. My partner has chosen to spend Xmas day with his family - this I think is a mix of the fact that we had no plans together, but also because if he were to spend it with me, we both know the issues that his family would have with it. they would use it against him. I had to control my responses the day we were discussing this as my mum was also in the conversation.

I feel like I am not wrong in feeling that once again, family has been chosen over me. Especially during a time you would expect to spend with those whom you love and care for the most. This really leaves me feeling terribly confused.

I haven't really spoken to any of my girlfriends just at the moment, but there is one person in his family who I speak to very discretely because he is the only older adult figure who sees the family as they are. Even he thinks its abnormal that such a decision was made.

How would you take this?

Thank you so much Croix. It's sometimes hard to know who to turn to.....

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Croix — Tue, 19 Dec 2017 10:35:04 GMT

Dear ASmileADay~

Um, well you ask some questions don't you? - BTW nice to see you again.

If my partner wanted to be with her family at Christmas time and exclude me I would think it most unusual and look for the reason, we are close and such an event would not be even slightly typical.

I guess this is because we enjoy being with each other and draw strength from each other. If we visit or have family over it is usually done together. We don't have to have 'plans' we just naturally gravitate towards each other.

Look, I'm not trying to drive a wedge between you and your partner, people do have different relationships and I can't just assume the one I have suits everybody. You see I'm not sure you have the same sort of relationship.

Yes his family might well be unhappy if he was absent, however that is probably simply the continuation of long-term practice and expectations. Expectation he seems to be responding to. Frankly I don't think the fact you did not have plans makes much difference. It is the pressure.

On the face of it he is responding to them rather than you. How much you want to accept that is of course your decision.

For some people compromise is possible. Going to their partner's parents is an alternative . Many do it year-about. As you said before:

I felt like not only did I lose my dignity in his parents house, I lost
my pride and my self worth and it was very depressing. I'd never felt so
little. On top of that I felt paranoid and that has been the hardest to
overcome

I guess it would be unreasonable of me to suggest that. More to the point if your partner knows how you feel as set out above I would think at the very least it is insensitive of him to leave you alone and go to them.

I'm not sure I've given you (or want to give you) a clear answer. If it was me I'd be looking not so much at this particular incident but your relationship overall. Are you both happy, secure, feel loved and able to lean on each other?

Croix (who will not doubt be doing the washing up on that particular day:)

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ASmileADay_ — Thu, 21 Dec 2017 05:28:24 GMT

Hello Croix,

I know I am an awful pest with these sort of things. As an adult I know I should be able to answer my own questions especially where relationships are involved, particularly this relationship...but I feel it is becoming one of those 'love is not enough' type scenarios.

I don't think we have the same sort of relationships, I much prefer what your relationship sounds like. I feel like I just accept too much...and the worst part is that my SO could see I was disturbed by it. And the last thing I want to do is say that to him cause I know for a fact he will throw something back at me, assuming he is willing to listen to what I have to say regarding my feelings. He listens to me a lot more than he used to, but I still often find that I can be very straight forward and confronting, I do find it difficult to speak in a less forceful way, but its my way of communicating.

I think my mind knows what to do, its just my heart is still talking to me. But logically I think about what I have disclosed here to you and how I feel and look over the past year. Its hard, I am really struggling. Even to a point that, after more than 8 months of reconnecting with him, I still haven't told key family members cause I know some of their feelings and I don't need the confrontation. Basically, I am a sooky la la and I cant man up. Possibly out of shame even.

You seem like a really wonderful person, and operate in a way that I understand from the moral foundations. So thank you for your patience with me.

A part of me kind of hopes that the relationship degrades to a friendship and we just become different. I know I am a different person now. But I also see things more now. Like I cant even talk to my SO about an issue with one of my closest friends, nothing personal just a situation she's in. And not even mid-way he interrupts and tells me he doesn't want to hear it etc and we should be talking about us. We talk about us as a couple a lot. It feels selfish but also I feel more unheard, so I just said to him I will discuss things with my girlfriends more. I think that could be classified as childish but I am over the deflection of things I want to discuss.

Something will change, I know I am in control. I have to make a decision before long. Internal courage and strength will be required.

Thank you Croix, it really means a lot. I appreciate it and I wish many great things for you

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Croix — Thu, 21 Dec 2017 10:55:57 GMT

Dear ASmileADay~
I’m not sure where pest comes into it. Most people, myself included, benefit from talking things over, getting other people’s ideas and perspectives. Your decision to talk over things more with your friends is probably a good one. I do know my own partner gets a lot out of contact with her friends, it is important.

No we probably don’t have the same sort of relationship as you, many would find mine smothering or oppressive, it just suits me and my partner.

The conversations and actions you have written about seen to me to be at least a failure of communication between the two of you, and possibly even different priorities.

I’m not sure how settled you have felt, if you have not told your family members you must have at least some hesitations about the relationship being permanent. And if now you are saying you feel like a different person perhaps the time to evaluate matters has arrived.

I’m not sure you have had a positive experience with counseling in the past, however if both parties want things to work it can help. I would imagine a relationship is worth a fair bit of effort to preserve. Perhaps it is something both of you might consider?

I’m also sure that you have enough strength and resolve to do whatever you think necessary.

Croix

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ASmileADay_ — Sat, 12 Jan 2019 14:10:11 GMT

Hello Croix,

I cant believe it has been over a year since our last contact, or should I say, your last message to me. Ironically enough I only read your last message now. Not intentionally, when I look back now, so much has happened since. I took on board a lot of what my friends, family and even you had suggested to me in this forum. Basically my partner and I are no longer together, which has been one of the best decisions.

It appeared that we had very different priorities and expectations, yet somehow I made mine very clear and he withheld his own feelings. We moved to Perth near end of March 2018. He didn't even last 3 months here. It can take 12 months or more to settle in somewhere new. It was going to be either Perth or Adelaide but we both agreed the pros outweighed the cons with Perth. I got a job quite fast back in WA, he had interviews, he didn't even go to some cause of one excuse or another. He hardly even tried. On top of that, he started making accusations about me and my family that had no substance, he also kept talking to his family about significant topics that he and I should have been discussing first but he consulted his parents before. On top of that, he went back to Melbourne with intention of joining the army, which he decided not to do so just went back there to spend time with his family. Oh, he also decided to apply for jobs IN Melbourne while he was back there.

So many mixed messages. Yet throughout the whole process, I encouraged him to be honest with me about what he wants, if it felt right or not. Then months later the truth comes out. It was full of turmoil. We mutually agreed to break up. So I joined him driving back to the Eastern States until we got to Adelaide. I jumped on a flight back to WA from there. The drive together was horrendous. I was blamed for everything, I was called every name under the sun you could think of and he said some of the most condescending and character breaking comments to me. I should have cut all contact after that but we decided to be friends, I just wanted peace. But that was never gonna be a pretty ending anyway. So, I don't talk to him at all now. After her called me names and said that he did everything for me, that was the end of the line for me. Haven't spoken to him in 4 months and refuse to moving forward.

I'm slowly finding myself and my happiness again now though, and that's my aim for this new year. To get back on track and stabilise my life 🙂

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Croix — Sun, 13 Jan 2019 11:56:52 GMT

Dear ASmileADay!~

Welcome back and I'm glad you have sorted it out. Not in the least easy and you would be very emotionally 'bruised' but you instincts were right and can be relied upon in the future, the relationship was not right.

You have a good resolution for the new year and I suspect you will get there surprisingly quickly. You also have a lot to offer in a relationship (apart from experience), you are fair and kind - traveling back with him was a handsome gesture - and only need to find a like-minded someone else to appreciate you.

On a practical level do you have anyone to give you support at the moment, friends or family maybe?

Despite our feelings and best efforts things do not always work, it sounds like he was over-influenced by a corrosive family environment and that not something that can be talked out.

Croix

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Croix — Sun, 13 Jan 2019 12:01:52 GMT

P.S.
Re-reading what I wrote one phrase did not come out as I intended, I was trying to say that you do have experience following this unfortunate episode and that should stand both you and whoever you choose in good stead.
-C