topic Feel like i'm setting myself up for a fall but persisting anyway in Relationship and family issues

Feel like i'm setting myself up for a fall but persisting anyway

Mike05 — Thu, 16 Nov 2017 10:15:12 GMT

Hi,
Long story short I met my wife when I was 22. We were together for 12 years and married for 6 of those.
She cheated on me with a co-worker off and on for a few years. I thought everything was good between us and had no idea it was going on. I couldn't forgive her so we separated.
I now have massive trust issues.
I currently have a girlfriend but shes 12 years younger. It started out as fun, off and on for a year. I didn't see how we could ever work so we usually walked away from each other after a month or so but ended up coming back to each other. We got pretty attached. We have now been together for a year straight as a couple after a year of a volatile off and on relationship.
Problem is my trust issues cause my mind to go into overdrive stressing about her cheating on me. I get nervous when she goes out and i'm not there. Usually cant sleep until she gets home. Nothing I do can calm me. Sometimes I would drink alcohol to pass out. Problem is (apart from relying on alcohol) sometimes it doesn't help me get to sleep and I'll contact her with rude msg and then her being a young girl sends spiteful msgs back to upset me.
I drive to and from work everyday thinking stupid scenarios in my head which obviously never eventuate. I know i need to get into a positive mindset but nothing I do helps.
On top of that a guy has been constantly messaging my GF trying to get her to sleep with him. She flirts for a bit in the messages then shuts him down. It really hurts and she knows this. She keeps promising to just ignore him but then a few months on it happens again.
I love the girl and don't want to break up over flirting text messages. But when is enough, enough...she stopped speaking to him for about 4 months then the other day I busted her replying to a text from him. There was flirting again but the last text was shutting him down.
I look at my life from the outside and despite being cheated on by my ex and going through hell for a year I really should have the perfect life. I have an awesome job, great house in a great location and a GF who is always talking about our future together. But these texts are really getting to me.
Its really playing on my mental health. I always said after my ex I wasn't going to put up with any more mistreatment. But here I am. Some friends have encouraged me to keep persisting while others have said maybe I should walk away. I love her so much though.
I just don't know where I'm at anymore.

So much for a long story short!

Feel like i'm setting myself up for a fall but persisting anyway

BballJ — Thu, 16 Nov 2017 13:13:49 GMT

Hi Mike05,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

I am sorry about what you have been through, being cheated on is never easy and I can understand where the trust issues come into play, when I first started reading your post about your current girlfriend, I thought you just need to give her a chance and remember she hasn't cheated on you, then you bought up the text messages and the guy who is trying to sleep with her, I don't think she should be flirting back especially as you have told her how much this bothers you. Does she know about past with your ex and the cheating and what not?

I do think maybe going to speak to your local GP and getting a referral to speak to a psychologist will help you as being cheated on can hurt on such an emotional level that speaking with a trained professional may really help you and help you overcome these feelings of not trusting your current partner.

Please, post back as much as you like, we are always happy to talk.

My best for you,

Jay

Feel like i'm setting myself up for a fall but persisting anyway

Mathy — Thu, 16 Nov 2017 14:02:35 GMT

Hi Mike05 and welcome,

It’s never a great place to be, when you waver on trusting yourself.

Jay offered some good advice on seeking some help re sorting out your feelings/thinking.

I would also encourage seeking counselling. Not so much about your trust issues with your partner, but also about your trust issues with yourself. Your current partner is causing you some angst. Yes, some of that can be attributed to what happened during the break up of your marriage. However, I don’t feel she is behaving in a manner which encourages trust. Nor do I feel she is behaving appropriately for someone who is in a committed relationship. Yet, you are questioning yourself?

A Counsellor can help you sort out those feelings into a) those related to your break-up (which you are responsible for) and b) those related to your current partner’s behaviour - which you are not responsible for. Then, you could create some boundaries around behaviour and what’s acceptable, and work from there.

You only live once (that’s the famous YOLO) - Yes, you may have some trust issues, not allowing them to derail your future is a pretty important thing to spend some time on and sort out.

This is your private, personal space to talk about how things are going for you. I look forward to hearing from you again, bestest M 🙂

Feel like i'm setting myself up for a fall but persisting anyway

geoff — Thu, 16 Nov 2017 18:08:37 GMT

hi Mike, it has always intrigued me why people want to stay married or in a long term r/ship if they are are cheating on the other person, because it breaks the trust that has once been formed between them, but also shared, if we can call it this, love with another person.
I am really sorry that your wife has done this, as it always needs strength when you like someone and want be involved with them, temptation and curiosity break this infinite rule.
Some people are able to sort it out and overcome what's happened, while others find it too difficult and have to move on, and that's what you had to do.
I always thought that my wife (ex) was in contact with someone else as I caught her ringing from a public phone booth on two occasions, but I never knew, but this was when I had just started to become depressed.
With your present g/friend tell her that the reason you left your wife was because she cheated on you, be upfront with her and ask if all these text messages can be stopped, to block out this chap's phone number, because it's taking you back to where you once were, and the cause of damage is not where you ever want to be again. Geoff.

Feel like i'm setting myself up for a fall but persisting anyway

Mike05 — Fri, 17 Nov 2017 05:14:04 GMT

Hi guys,

Firstly thank you for the responses they are really helpful. Appreciate hearing your interpretations and own experiences, definitely reassures me.

My GF is aware of my past and has promised a few times to stop with the inappropriate messaging. She says she likes the attention and its just an ego type boost. Ive told her that not acceptable and still make me feel awful. Unfortunately it has come up a few times now over the past year. It happened again the other night and I called the guy and left a msg. He sent a text back saying he would cut all contact. Its a bit awkward as he is a friend of my friend. But luckily not in the same circle of friends so I don't have to see him out and about.

I don't want to deal with again. I have spoken to my girl and she's agreed to stop all contact. See how we go.

I have been to see a counsellor several times since my split with my ex and it did help and I was feeling really good about life at the start of the year. My confidence was building and I wasn't as angry and self-destructive . Just been in the last few months I have been feeling really angry with everything going on and its effecting other parts of my life. I probably should go back to counselling for a bit. I'll make a point to speak to someone early next week.

I suppose the hardest bit is it destroys my self confidence and makes me feel insecure and inferior.

Thanks again for the chat

Feel like i'm setting myself up for a fall but persisting anyway

Doolhof — Fri, 17 Nov 2017 06:57:22 GMT

Hi Mike05,

"I suppose the hardest bit is it destroys my self confidence and makes me feel insecure and inferior. "

No body likes feeling like this over any issue. Hopefully your girlfriend will wake up and realise just how much her actions are hurting and upsetting you.

Maybe you could turn some of this around by sending your girlfriend flirty messages yourself. I am not sure if you are already doing this. Make her fall in love with you all over again, and in a stronger way.

Take her out on a date, something you have arranged and planned, get yourself all dressed up and feeling good about yourself.

At times we all need a boost of self confidence and self esteem. For me it is a matter of finding something I can do for myself or for others that is within relationship boundaries and doesn't hurt anyone.

Like others have mentioned, counselling can help as well.

Hope you find some peace in your heart!

Cheers from Mrs. Dools

Feel like i'm setting myself up for a fall but persisting anyway

BballJ — Sun, 19 Nov 2017 11:25:27 GMT

Hi Mike05,

I think it is good you contact this person to also cut the contact, as long as it's handled maturely and not all macho I think is a good thing. I think people respond well when spoken to like an adult and they understand where you are coming from, I am glad that your girlfriend has agreed to cut the contact too.

Hopefully it goes all smooth for you, it does seem like this has triggered a lot of old feelings which I think is quite understandable but getting on the front foot of seeing a psychologist is always a good thing.

My best,

Jay

Feel like i'm setting myself up for a fall but persisting anyway

Mike05 — Tue, 21 Nov 2017 23:21:56 GMT

Hi guys,

Thanks again for the replies. Attempted to respond earlier a few times but didn't really know what to say.

The advice is all really good.

My girlfriend and I are really flirty. We are constantly complimenting each other and sending flirty msgs and all that sort of stuff you get when you're early in a relationship and smitten. Its been a year and that side of things is stronger than ever, guess that's why I'm so surprised she would reciprocate msgs with this other guy again.

Hopefully that is all done now and she understands these messages from him boosting her ego end up destroying mine. I have explained it to her a few times now so this will be the last I put up with it.

The main thing I want is to be able to not stress every time she gets messages. Its really difficult to just ignore that stuff with the amount of times she has broken her promise. She tends to blame my ex for my insecurities which is true but doesn't seem to comprehend that her actions are doing the same thing to my confidence and trust in her.

We have a big holiday that we have been planning for quite sometime so will be interesting to see where we area at when we get back. Head to the US next week for nearly 4 weeks. I think it could be a good opportunity for us to see where we are at in our relationship without all the outside world worries.

Feel like i'm setting myself up for a fall but persisting anyway

Mathy — Wed, 22 Nov 2017 10:01:30 GMT

Hi Mike05, so glad to hear that you’re off on a holiday with your partner. I like your insight on “how will it be whilst we are away”

If I could suggest one thing it would be - approach this holiday openly, and don’t take the “flirty other guy” with you.

Have an awesome experience and holiday, cheers M 🙂

Feel like i'm setting myself up for a fall but persisting anyway

BballJ — Wed, 22 Nov 2017 12:25:42 GMT

Hi Mike05,

I think you have adopted a good approach and I know dealing with the messages every time they come in is hard but you have to give her the benefit of the doubt in this instance, I know she has broken her promise before but you have asked this other person to stop texting and hopefully they respect your wishes too.

Hope you have a great holiday.

My best,

Jay

Feel like i'm setting myself up for a fall but persisting anyway

Mike05 — Sun, 22 Apr 2018 09:13:26 GMT

Well it’s been a while since I was on here. Unfortunately my GF ended up cheating on me.

a few months ago we had a big argument and she just didn’t come home after work.

She went straight to a guys house after work and slept with him.

Ive been single. Is for a few months and she has been contacting me most days. She wants me to take her back. I still love the girl but I don’t know how I can ever trust her again. Which is tough as I miss her and want her in my life but I don’t think I can deal with the stress she has caused me. I gave her enough chances while we were together and she was sending sexual text messages to guys so I don’t know how it would be different now.

She has said she knows what she has lost and took me for granted. She said she was prepared to wait 6months or longer until I’m ready and she wouldn’t date or see other guys.

Im thinking I just need to stick to my decision for now. She always makes promises but has never delivered.

Best I stay single for now

Feel like i'm setting myself up for a fall but persisting anyway

Mike05 — Mon, 21 May 2018 12:10:13 GMT

So its been a couple of months now and while I am doing better I am still missing her and sometimes contemplating giving her a second chance. Well actually thinking about it a lot. She has been doing some counselling and is still saying that she took me for granted and everything will be different now. Its difficult as i want to believe her but i have also heard it all before. I suppose the only difference is that I actually followed through wih the break up this time, whereas the last few times it only lasted a day or so. So potentially it has hit home for her and she really does want to make this work.

The trust thing is also going to be a major issue to get through. I love her and have days where I can see a future together. Then the next day I wonder if its all too hard and she is just going start her inappropriate messages again...

I know that its ultimately my decision, but can people really change? is it worth the gamble putting myself out there again when i have given her so many chances before. Sometimes I feel we were toxic at times and then at the same time i have never had more fun with anyone else and felt such a connection with before. The good times were amazing but the bad times were extremely stressful and upsetting.

Feel like i'm setting myself up for a fall but persisting anyway

Juliet_84 — Mon, 21 May 2018 12:34:45 GMT

Hi Mike05,

My belief is that some people can change, but only under certain circumstances. I think if someone acts in a way that is a departure from their character and has sufficient enough regret for their action (not just getting caught), then I think they can change. The second circumstance, which I think most applies to your situation, has to do with timing. Someone can act one way in their 20s but settle down in their 30s for example. You don’t mention how old you are or how old your girlfriend is, only that there is a 12 year age gap, but she sounds quite immature to me. I don’t mean any offense by that, I only say it because of the messaging other men for attention and having an argument and then going straight over to someone else’s place and sleeping with them. That sounds like behavior of someone in their 20s to me, not someone who’s interested in building a committed relationship to me. I feel like she’s quite a few years off being ready for where you sound like you’re at. Also, I don’t know whether it’s worth opening yourself up to the possibility of more damage, given that the relationship seems to have a few negatives already. Just my thoughts x

Feel like i'm setting myself up for a fall but persisting anyway

Mike05 — Tue, 22 May 2018 12:51:30 GMT

Hi Juliet_84's

Firstly thank you for taking the time to respond, i really appreciate it.

She is 24 and I am 36. I do agree with what you are saying. I definitely have a lot to think about. It is tought as she seems very genuine and determined but I have heard this from her before.

Im not ready to put myself back out there for her or anyone for the matter. I dont have the headspace to commit myself to anyone in a relationship.

I think it might be best if i just continue the friendship and being civil with her for the moment and see how her behaviour goes over the next few weeks/months.

Thank you 🙂

Feel like i'm setting myself up for a fall but persisting anyway

Juliet_84 — Wed, 23 May 2018 10:15:21 GMT

Hi Mike05,

I think that’s a good strategy. You’ve been through the ringer a bit with your relationships and I think taking some pressure off you and letting yourself heal a bit is a good idea.

In my experience, when people want to get back with you, they do seem genuine and determined and I’m sure they probably feel that way at that very moment. But then they go away and freak out at some point and go back to their old tricks. That being said, if someone wants to prove to you that they are genuine and are working on their issues, then they can also do this without you signing up for a relationship. You really don’t need to get back into something until you are satisfied that this time will be different and that may take time to prove.