topic Dad in Relationship and family issues

Dad

Jackson1994 — Mon, 01 Jan 2018 01:43:14 GMT

Anyone who knows a bit about me on here may know that my dad isn't the nicest guy in the world and we have minimal contact after he left when I was pretty young

Im making this post because he has been contacting me, he sent me a message not long after midnight saying happy new year, although I appreciated them I got a few so just ignored them all, generally people just send them to their whole contact list

He messaged me again 1:05am, have a good year maybe this year things will work out for you

I replied, they did this year but thanks dad

By 2am I'd gotten a page long I'm sorry for not being there message let's go for a drink tomorrow night we can make things good

I didn't reply I was with my partner and I wasn't ruining both our Nye getting worked up over it

Now I'm upset, I see him I risk him upsetting me, I don't see him I risk him hating me and mum even more

Dad

Juan_Kenobi — Mon, 01 Jan 2018 03:28:26 GMT

Hi Jackson,

I can totally relate... My only advice is to look after your needs first....Easier said than done I know

Dad

tim55 — Mon, 01 Jan 2018 03:39:27 GMT

Hi Jackson1994,

I'll be the first to admit that I do not know you at all, so I am in no place to make huge comments about your life.

I have some significant issues with my father who is not the nicest of people either. My father and I do not talk as of about a month ago and my relationship with him is the subject of some of the counselling I have had.

Without really knowing the circumstances, I guess I have a line of thought or some random thoughts.

Is there anything in the 2am page, that suggests to you he is a substantially different person?
If there is, do you believe he has changed or just wanting to meet with you?
Is meeting him going to change anything?
Do you want any sort of ongoing relationship with him?
Have you forgiven him for what he has done to you? As one of my counsellors has told me, forgiveness is important to healing, but it does not mean reconciliation is going to happen, it may but there is no guarantee. I'm waiting and hoping that my father will acknowledge and apologise about 4 aspects of my life. I have forgiven, or am working on forgiving him for those things. I don't hold out any great hope of him acknowledging what he has done. But if he does, that does not mean the relationship will just magically go back to what it was. It will not, and there may not be any reconciliation.

I guess that is a long version of what my advice would be to be very very careful and without know the background a drink may not be the best place to meet him.

Good luck

Tim55

Dad

CMF — Mon, 01 Jan 2018 03:56:36 GMT

Hey Jackson,

It sucks that you have to start you year like this. Good on you for not replying. I know you, I know your story. I personally think it is better to cut contact from now on. Last year he suddenly appeared and each time you saw him bad things happened. He bought you things to butter you up but when you didn't do what he wanted he turned on you. Do not risk upsetting yourself again. You have come a long way since you started here, don't go backwards. As far as him hating you and your Mum more, I wouldn't worry. Let him have the hate, it shouldn't affect you. He hurt you alot last year, you gave him many chances, he did not change and he won't change.

You have a lot of good things happening for you this year. Focus on them and moving forward, not going backwards.

cmf

Dad

Ggrand — Mon, 01 Jan 2018 04:06:04 GMT

Hello Jackson,

Ive seen you around the forums but don't know your story.

I had parents both mum &a dad who were both physically and mentally abusive towards me growing up. I eloped at 18 and never saw or spoke to them for over 40 years.

My father passed away, I never went to his funeral, even though he was abusive towards me he was still my dad and the guilt I felt not attending his funeral will always hang around me.

Mum contacted me around 5 years ago and wanted to meet me for a coffee. I was hesitant and decided to ring her first and speak to her to see if she was genuine or not. After my initial phone call mum called back on a weekly basis, I started to get to know her. It took me nearly 8 months of phone calls to agree to meet her.

We met at her home, it was a very strange meeting both of us were uncomfortable and the meeting only lasted 15 minutes, a few more phone calls and we met again, this time was better then the last time.

We continued to meet on a monthly basis, I got to know her again but not as the mum I remembered but as a different mum, she had changed. 2 years after the first meeting she died, I went to her funeral and mourned a mother that I knew for only 5 years.

Its a hard decision you are trying to decide, maybe phone contact first for a few months, just to get to know him and see if he genuinely wants to reconcile with you.

Not sure if this helped or not.

I hope you can make the right decision, it won't be an easy one to make. but please look after you first..your important.

kind thoughts GG.

Dad

Jackson1994 — Mon, 01 Jan 2018 04:07:38 GMT

i feel stupid even considering it, after everything he has done, but there is just a part of me that keeps wanting to give him chances

(thats a reply to everyone btw)

Dad

Jackson1994 — Mon, 01 Jan 2018 04:14:04 GMT

Also before i say anymore i just want to mention a few things

my dad left mum, my brother and i, didn't want anything to do with us, we didn't really him he moved up to qld.

mum got remarried, my step dad and step sibs are really nice. dad has come back in my life the last couple years (mostly since my brother died) trying to talk to me, i went to visit him in qld once and he seemed ok and when i got back he wasnt very nice to me online. ever since then he has been contacting me, i have seem him a bit. last time i saw him he bought me all this stuff, kept the receipts and when we went back to his house (he moved back to melbourne) he told me if i didn't x,y, z he'd return the stuff and he also hit me, but then he comes back and makes it seems like everything is ok again

so, thats a run down of the story with dad

Dad

CMF — Mon, 01 Jan 2018 04:26:31 GMT

I wouldn't trust him.

Dad

Ggrand — Mon, 01 Jan 2018 04:47:55 GMT

Hi Jackson,

sorry my post was of no help.

It is a difficult situation you are in. No one has the right to hit anyone ever. I just read CMF post, he knows you and your story, by what I'm understanding in his post and what you just told me I agree with CMF. You have given him chances before and he continually hurts you. You don't want or need hurt in your life..Try moving on with the knowledge that you tried your best to reconcile. That you tried should give you peace of mind that it is not you, you gave him chances and he is not willing to change his ways.

Kind thoughts

GG.

Dad

Jackson1994 — Mon, 01 Jan 2018 04:52:13 GMT

And I'm not sure I do either but maybe he just wants to spend time with me, I mean it's been Christmas and new year, he might not mean any harm

Dad

tim55 — Mon, 01 Jan 2018 04:59:30 GMT

Hi Jackson,

Thanks for the bit of background. I believe I understand the bit that says he is your father and there is some type of bond their. That is the bit I am struggling with concerning my father. I don't like him much at all. I have a brother and a sister who both live overseas. I live 1000km away from dad. I've just told his nursing home I am no longer his emergency contact. This is tough, there is part of me that questions what I have done.

If he has made no change, keep him from hurting you again. I control the contact I have with my father. He can only ring me, he has not tried, but I will not be answering his calls. I have told him I will read any letter he might send, phone calls will just turn ugly. So I don't expect to hear from him again. But there is peace in that type of decision, there is peace in the right decision.

There is no excuse for physical violence, I'm with others, keep him at a good arms length at the most, control the contact.

Dad

CMF — Mon, 01 Jan 2018 05:04:36 GMT

I feel harsh saying this but that's what he wanted last year. I gave someone many chances over and over and was let down everytime. He's bribed you and hit you. Do you think he's changed in these last few months? The bribe and the punch were a big red flag.

Dad

Bethie — Mon, 01 Jan 2018 05:17:24 GMT

Hi Jackson

Have you ever heard anyone say you can love someone from a distance?

I have/had major issues with my mum but was taught by a councillor I saw when I was pregnant that it ok to say I love you but my me to be me right now I can only love you from a distance.

Now my son is 14 and he has contact with my mum via message but when she starts trying to manipulate him he tells her he loves her but needs to be himself.

Even as a parent myself it's hard to not be in control of your child but seeing growth matters more than being in control.

I really hope your Dad can accept that you do love him but need to do it from a distance to grow into the person you want to be in life

Dad

Jackson1994 — Mon, 01 Jan 2018 05:27:26 GMT

So maybe it's time to stop wanting something that probably won't ever happen

It sucks

Dad

CMF — Mon, 01 Jan 2018 06:46:44 GMT

Your Mum know him best. What would her advice be?

Sometimes what we want isn't always what is best for us. It was a long time ago that he left your family, and yes people can realise their mistakes and regret them, hoping for a reconciliation but I don't think he has proven to you that he can be trusted.

Dad

Jackson1994 — Mon, 01 Jan 2018 07:29:07 GMT

I don't want to speak to Mum about this, I really don't.

Dad

Bethie — Mon, 01 Jan 2018 07:53:53 GMT

Yep it does suck

I've read and re read everything and well it honestly sounds like he kinda messes with your head and feelings way to much to be honest. If you think you can accept that just maybe in his own way he is a bit sick and keep him at arms distance might be the best thing.

I know in my mums case she was brought up by a very scared mother herself and never truly learnt to be a mother emotionally.

I broke that cycle by getting help. It's not easy but I'm glad I did. It took away so much depression I had come to accept as part of a normal childhood.

One day you'll be a parent and face the choice of breaking the old ways for healthy bonds. It is in your power alone to do that now if it's what feels right in your gut

Dad

topsy_ — Mon, 01 Jan 2018 10:13:22 GMT

Hi Jackson,

I too faced the same kind of thing with both my parents. After having lived a tortured & abused life due to my parents, I cut them from my life. I had to grieve for the parents I wished I’d had & eventually forgive them. But I only forgave them so that I would have peace within myself.

After about 15 years I was suddenly invited to my mothers 80th birthday celebration, then a bit over 2 years later to my fathers. I don’t know if I had any real expectations of being able to play happy families but I soon discovered that I had been invited to be put in my place again & for it to be emphasised to me my lowly rank in the family (by way of yelling & insult).

So, it’s back now to no contact again now. My dad died this year. He had been sick with leukaemia for months, my brother was with my mother when he died, funeral arrangements were made & family informed & then I was told. I didn’t go to his funeral & I have no regrets. I will not be going to mums either when the time comes.

My parents are/weren’t ever going to change. I have accepted it. My brother, who is a stranger to me, is extremely angry with me but the only person that that upsets is him. I’m clear in my own mind about my thinking & feelings.

It was really tough in the early years but things for me are good now. I don’t know if this has helped any. I hope so. But you might need to see your dad a few more times to really decide what is right for you.

Wishing you well, Lyn.

Dad

Jackson1994 — Tue, 02 Jan 2018 10:50:27 GMT

dad and i, done. thats it, no more.

Dad

CMF — Tue, 02 Jan 2018 11:23:25 GMT

Hey, What happened? Sounds like you gave him another chance.

Are you ok?