topic My relationship is over and I am struggling to deal with it in Relationship and family issues

My relationship is over and I am struggling to deal with it

running_girl — Mon, 28 Aug 2017 01:51:44 GMT

I have been romantically involved with someone who has mental health issues for the last several months. After spending some time with him during the last few weeks I could see that while he meant what he said when he said it (e.g., that he loved me, that I was ‘the one’, that he wanted us to spend the rest of our lives together, that we would get married someday…), he would simultaneously act in ways that kept me at a distance and would occasionally let slip that he didn’t really know if he wanted to be with me in the long-term.

Because of this incongruence, I finally faced up to reality and told him that the timing was clearly not right for us to be together as a couple and we agreed to keep our friendship intact. We then spent the next couple of days together in a kind of in-between state – not exactly a couple but certainly not platonic.

It’s now been a week since he flew back home (he lives interstate) and I’ve left two messages for him, neither of which he has returned. I am heartbroken, depressed (at times severely) and at a loss at what to do. I guess I don’t really have to do anything but keep reminding myself that it’s not my fault that things didn’t work out. And because he’s so clearly unwell, I know it’s not his fault either.

My psych warned me against getting involved with him in the first place but I put her good logic aside and let myself fall completely in love. I am so sad. I know there is nothing to do but ride it out and I don’t expect anyone in the BB community to know of a miracle cure that will make things better. I guess I just wanted to say out loud (or in type on this message board) how I felt. A form of cartharsis maybe…?

My relationship is over and I am struggling to deal with it

james1 — Mon, 28 Aug 2017 05:09:25 GMT

Hello running_girl,

I feel like I've seen you on the forums before about this relationship. I'm sorry to hear how things panned out, but it sounds like you took the brave step of doing something that was for your long term benefit.

It does sound like the continued not-relationship after the break up has made things even more difficult than it would've been, and maybe having him fly home is not such a bad thing. It'll give you time to grieve properly on your own.

Do your friends and family know about the break up? It can be good to just spend some time with people while you're struggling on your own again.

I hope you found posting helpful!

James

My relationship is over and I am struggling to deal with it

running_girl — Mon, 28 Aug 2017 06:16:00 GMT

Thanks James. I did find posting helpful and I appreciate your response. I do have supportive people close by so I'm not struggling alone. Him flying home, even though it was painful, has been absolutely essential in helping me to accept that it's definitely over. I'm not there yet but I will be. Thanks for listening.

My relationship is over and I am struggling to deal with it

Guest_128 — Mon, 28 Aug 2017 06:18:13 GMT

Hey ,I'm sorry you are in this pain,but from what I have read it makes sense that you feel like this,ie if you didn't have a heart and only cared about yourself,you wouldn't be hurt.

chin up,have some time just for you and who knows there is plenty of fish in the sea.😘

My relationship is over and I am struggling to deal with it

White_Rose — Mon, 28 Aug 2017 07:00:43 GMT

Hello Running Girl

So pleased you felt comfortable enough to write in here. When a couple separate it is always sad, even if the parting was amicable. Like James I think you are brave to call it quits before you get too deeply involved. It's hard to stop wanting to be with someone you care about and frustrating we can do nothing about it.

I think no one has a magic cure, what a fortune we could make if we had such a remedy. Instead we do it the hard way, grieving over a lost love. Do remind yourself you took that step because you knew it was right for both of you. Have you told your psych?

She/he may smile but it will only be in recognition that we all do these things. May I suggest you stop trying to contact him. I have found it best to keep a distance as our feelings get triggered and away we go again getting upset. These things are rarely one or other person's fault. Mostly it's bad timing or other circumstances. I know that doesn't help much but so long as you do not blame yourself or start wondering what you could have done differently you will get through it.

Keep on saying it out loud here as much as you wish. You know someone will answer, though I will be on the lookout for your posts.

Mary

My relationship is over and I am struggling to deal with it

geoff — Mon, 28 Aug 2017 23:20:37 GMT

hi Running_girl, it's not easy to end a r/ship because there are always happy memories but also sad ones as well.
Sometimes when two people break up due to MI the person affected with this illness may not reply to any contact you have sent them, however what you have said to him 'to be together as a couple', simply makes you realise that it's not going to work out between the two of you.
You may still care for him but that's as far as it goes, eventually you will find yourself being involved in other situations as well as other r/ships and this will become a memory. Geoff.

My relationship is over and I am struggling to deal with it

running_girl — Tue, 29 Aug 2017 02:18:37 GMT

Thank you Dory. I sometimes wish I could turn my heart to stone but, in all honesty, I don't want to be that kind of person. I will get over this and when I do I'll remember all those other fish in the sea.... 🙂

My relationship is over and I am struggling to deal with it

running_girl — Tue, 29 Aug 2017 02:31:47 GMT

Dear Mary, thank you for your kind response. I am so hurt right now and the support here really helps. I don't regret breaking it off - I think he would've if I hadn't. And, no, I won't be contacting him again. I had been worried for his welfare and would not normally check up on someone via social media but because he'd gone so silent I glanced at his FB page last night to find that he has already moved on with another woman who he must've kept waiting in the wings as an alternative option.

I am beyond hurt about this. He wasn't returning my calls because he was hurting over the break up - it was because he just doesn't care. I realise now that he never had any real feelings for me at all. I know this is on him, not me, but it still hurts. And we've known each other since childhood so all my long-held happy memories of him are tainted.

I will be telling my psych about this and may bring my appoint forward as it's not for another couple of weeks. I feel I will be ok eventually. I used to react to such things with suicidal ideology but I haven't done so this time. Somewhere along the line I must have developed alternative coping mechanisms (writing on this board is one).

I have lots of different avenues of support. But the pain is unbearable at times. I split with my husband last May, had a dreadful rebound quasi-relationship and now this. Twice I tried to fill the hole of a broken relationship by jumping into a new one. I can see now how dangerous this is and I won't be doing it again.

But what I do to fill in the gaps where he used to be? How do I stop thinking about him or someone that could replace him so I don't have to feel any pain?

I'm sorry for the long rant above - but thank you so much for listening. It helps me more than I could've hoped for. Even though its cyber space, it makes me feel less alone.

My relationship is over and I am struggling to deal with it

running_girl — Tue, 29 Aug 2017 02:36:27 GMT

Thank you Geoff. Your words, as always, are reassuring. He will become a distant memory in time and I will meet new people, and make new memories - hopefully happier ones. At least this experience has taught me to be more discerning about who I choose to get involved with. I ignored all the warning signs because I didn't want to know. From now on I will pay heed to such signs and protect my heart by doing so. Thank you again for taking the time to listen and respond.

My relationship is over and I am struggling to deal with it

TheIronGiant — Tue, 29 Aug 2017 02:50:12 GMT

Hey running_girl,

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a tough time with this but as other people have said, it sounds like it was the right thing for you to do at this time in your life.

There is no magical cure except for time. Time heals all wounds and you have to give yourself and him time apart, time to adjust to the shock of separation, and time to heal. Don't rush yourself and forgive yourself when the going gets rough.

I will say that I've actually been in the position of your partner, in a way, as I was really unwell and my partner left me because I was constantly back and forth between being loving and pushing away and it really affected his mental health. As hard as it was to be dumped because of this situation, it really helped me realise that I needed to step up and take care of myself and focus on my mental health. So in a way, that breakup was a real turning point for me. So I guess what I'm saying is, your ex will learn something positive from all this and so will you, but it will come with time and it will be tough to get there.

If you find yourself feeling depressed or missing him you can try doing something new, like trying a new hobby, because that really focuses your mind and it may be something that you've always wanted to try but before now you were caught up in the relationship and so didn't pursue it. This is your time, so do the best with it that you can 🙂

All the best,

Bridget

My relationship is over and I am struggling to deal with it

james1 — Tue, 29 Aug 2017 05:36:01 GMT

Hello rg,

You mentioned in your reply to mary that you feel like you've developed coping mechanisms such as posting on these forums rather than resorting to suicidal ideation, and that this has happened without even realising it.

Just a big congratulations on not only developing those, but allowing yourself to acknowledge that achievement. It's really important and you've done super well to keep hanging in there long enough to develop that skill. Just with any skill, we need to keep practicing it, so we're always here to listen if you need someone to talk to.

In terms of filling a very large gap...I don't know. I have hobbies, friends, and even just general down time to fill in my gaps. Like you say, jumping straight into another relationship seems to be dangerous for you even if it does fill that gap temporarily. This'll be a weird period being on your own, but trial and error will help you find something that does satisfy what you really want.

James

My relationship is over and I am struggling to deal with it

White_Rose — Tue, 29 Aug 2017 06:52:42 GMT

Hello RG

Good to see you have the energy to write here. Well done. It does take courage to admit you made poor choices in the past. That's over now and you have profited by the past. No more rebound romances.

I imagine you feel used and betrayed by him now you know about his new GF. Well I think this will help to short circuit the pain you feel. Remember to tell yourself you broke it off and you were not the one who lied and cheated. Let him go without a backward glance.

Do you have any plans for your immediate future? It probably sounds a bit soon to ask this, but I feel it may help you to recover more quickly. Get out with your friends and party. Come and talk to us as often as you wish.

Mary

My relationship is over and I am struggling to deal with it

running_girl — Wed, 30 Aug 2017 01:46:22 GMT

Dear Bridget, thank you for your response. And especially for sharing your own story. I am glad you're a better, stronger person for having gone through the experience and it's nice that you talk about you ex in the spirit of good will. I hope like you my ex gets something positive out of this experience but I have to accept that I will never know because our lives are totally separate now.

For now, I am just letting time do its thing and heal my wounds.

As for finding something new to do, I am looking into this. I realise now I was addicted to the adrenaline rush of being in a less-than-stable relationship. While I know a new hobby won't give me that same rush, I realise that's a good thing because living on the edge like that is not healthy. I think I need a hobby where I can socialise, even if it's just online. I hate feeling alone or lonely.

Thank you again for being a sympathetic ear and for reminding me that it's a learning experience, for both me and my ex, and that can never be a bad thing.

My relationship is over and I am struggling to deal with it

running_girl — Wed, 30 Aug 2017 01:57:20 GMT

Thank you so much James. I will keep practicing this skill as the quality of my life is so much better for it. Thank you (and everyone at BB) for being there to listen and talk to as it is really helps me get through the worst moments. I definitely won't be giving into the urge to get involved again with anyone until I'm fully healed. But I will be raising this compulsion of mine with my pysch though. In the meantime, I will search for a pastime that I can be passionate about.

My relationship is over and I am struggling to deal with it

running_girl — Wed, 30 Aug 2017 02:40:24 GMT

Thanks Mary. Yes, no more rebound romances for me. I am engaging in a lot of self-reflection (mainly through journaling) to get to the source of this unhealthy compulsion. I admit I still have to actively fight against it but the fight is getting easier.

I really do feel used and betrayed and, at times, I feel like nothing because that's how he regards me. But I've been actively working on my self-esteem for over a year now and it has served me well because I now challenge such feelings of nothingness rather than give in to them. It's the first time I've been able to prop myself up through self-validation. But I still have a way to go before it becomes my default position.

Learning that he already has a new GF (and no doubt their relationship overlapped with ours) was like kick in the guts - the pain was sudden and severe but, you're right, it has short circuited the grief process. And for that I'm thankful because I just want to put this behind me as quickly as possible and enjoy life again.

I still get pangs of fear because I'm once again alone, but I don't regret breaking up with him - he didn't value me and I couldn't stay in such a situation. I will go out with friends when I can (my closest friends live interstate) and I think I need to open myself up to the possibilities of making new friends, because I don't really have anyone I can go out and be silly with that lives close by and/or is readily available.

I think being in good platonic company on a regular basis would be the best way for me to pull myself out of this hole. I never used to be social but I cherish the few close friends I have now. They bring me a lot of joy and comfort.

As for immediate plans, I entered myself into a November half-marathon this morning 🙂 My heart's not totally in it yet but I agree with you that it's important to have something immediate to work towards.

Thanks for listening.

My relationship is over and I am struggling to deal with it

running_girl — Wed, 30 Aug 2017 02:43:59 GMT

I think what I’m struggling with the most is not having any closure.
That is, not knowing if he really understands why I broke it off or whether he is even a little bit remorseful.

I have no choice but to be ok with never knowing this but it is a hard pill to swallow.

My relationship is over and I am struggling to deal with it

White_Rose — Wed, 30 Aug 2017 10:16:27 GMT

Hello RG

Thanks for your lovely response. Not knowing what he thinks or feels about your separation can be hard. You would like him to apologise or at least admit he was never that interested. We all have some of this in our lives and must learn to let it go. Not easy. Sometimes I find it helpful to journal my thoughts and feelings and my regrets. Write them down but do not go back to re-read. At least not for a year. When you go back to read your journal, if you go back, I think you will be surprised at how far you have come.

It probably will not take a year to feel very different but for me I was afraid in many ways to read my journal for a long time. I was scared all the old feelings would come back and I would be back at the start. Well I have re-read some of my writing. Some parts I can laugh at and wonder why I was so engaged with the crap. Other parts I found a bit emotional because I had come so far and the writing was a good reminder of where I had come from.

A friend came to see me yesterday and we sat outside and enjoyed the mild weather and our cups of tea. She told me I had come a long way and that I was to remember that. Now I know I can do this there is no reason to go backwards. I was a bit emotional at her words because I had not asked for the. She was giving me a reminder that I can cope and when Thursday comes I will be able to see out the final part of the drama. Friends are so valuable when they have your best interests at heart and are prepared to tell it like it is.

Knowing you can comfort yourself and recognise how well you are managing is great. Yes it takes a little longer for it to become the default position but I think you will find the old ways are just grassed over tracks while your new and better road is wide and welcoming.

I too struggle with being alone. I have children and grandchildren but it is not easy to get to see them because of school and work. One of my granddaughters was presented with her Queens Scout Award this evening. I was invited to the presentation but it's an hour's drive away and I am still recovering from from pneumonia I had a few weeks ago. The pneumonia has gone but left me feeling very tired. I sent her a card and I hope someone will take photos.

A half-marathon, wow. I was never that energetic but the benefits of exercise in depression are so well known these days. The competition between various groups and people also adds spice as you train.

Mary

My relationship is over and I am struggling to deal with it

running_girl — Sun, 03 Sep 2017 08:40:53 GMT

Dear Mary,

Thank you always for your kindness and support. I looked for your thread so I could get to know you better but couldn't find it. Though I do not know the story behind it, I am sorry for your pain but comforted that you are in a better place now than you were a year ago. It's wonderful that you have had such a good friend by your side throughout it all.

I have to keep reminding myself that it will take time to heal but I have been so deeply sad and confused since I split with my ex-husband last year and I've made such stupid decisions concerning men since that time that it's like I keep reopening the wound despite the time that's passed. I do keep a journal and it's very therapeutic but when I read back over it, I'm at a loss as to why I keep making the same mistakes. I think I'm scared of being alone.

This weekend has been particularly hard because I've had too much time to think. I thought I was doing ok but I did not get out of bed yesterday and I'm crying a lot. There's a slight chance I'm pregnant, though each test has so far come up negative.

I'm so mixed up. I know I don't want to be pregnant to that particular person but, perversely, part of me does want it, just as part of me wants my ex-partner back, toxic though he was. I just want to stop feeling so worthless and unloved. It's hard to think straight.

I am just so sad and I am backsliding into old habits which are destructive but I can't help it. At times I'm having difficulty valuing my life despite the many blessings in it.

I hate sounding so ungrateful. But I don't know what to do to live a better life - one where I'm at peace with myself. My entire life I've always been either up or down, there's no middle ground. I have suspected that I may be mildly to moderately bipolar for some time now but do not want to go on more medication than the anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills that I'm already on. I may raise it with my psych this week.

My relationship is over and I am struggling to deal with it

Guest_128 — Sun, 03 Sep 2017 09:54:34 GMT

Hi there,

what a beautiful soul you are,so thoughtful to all,wish I could write like you.

I am gunna tell you something,

I couldn't give a flying ferret how many tablets I take!

I couldn't care if they said eat elephant do do.

I say whatever Trevor if it makes my life better,easier,level,calmer,wrap it up in monkey spunk.

I know over the years,if it wasn't for them,gonski.

Dory😘

My relationship is over and I am struggling to deal with it

running_girl — Sun, 03 Sep 2017 10:08:19 GMT

Oh Dory, despite feeling sad, your way with words makes me laugh out loud. I know you are right about accepting meds if that's what's needed. I certainly can't keep on this way. I will talk to my psych this week about how I've been travelling and will be open to whatever she suggests.

rg x