topic i dont know what to feel or what to do..? in Relationship and family issues

i dont know what to feel or what to do..?

startingnew — Mon, 10 Apr 2017 10:33:17 GMT

Hi guys

im in a bit of a
situation. Im not so much as jealous as I am angry about this
situation and im having a lot of trouble moving forward with it.

So when I was about
9 I was offerred a horse to ride as my mums boyfriend owned a riding
school and no one ever used this horse as she was suited to beginners
so they offered her to me and said if I do the work with her which
pretty much included rebreaking in then I could ride her and take her
to horse shows and do pony club with her and she was mine to keep for
as long as possible.
So I worked on this
horse for 6 years and had this horse almost perfect but not for
beginners still as she use to buck but as I trained her up she was so
trusting of me she almost seemed like another horse for other people
and she hated other people riding her. I took her to pony club, beach
rides, road rides and taught her how to travel on a float and came
home with many ribbons even if they were 5th it didnt
matetr to me. This horse was my best friend and I spent every waking
hour with her when I wasnt at school.
After these years
though, mum and her boyfriend broke up and without a word or warning,
my mum got a phone call saying that if I was to enter the property
they would call the police on me. I never even got to say goodbye to
her 😞

it breaks my heart
every time I think about her. And my sister- her pop s the one who
owns the horse so my sisters still Is allowed on the property and
when she goes up there she talks about her without the intention of
hurting me but it breaks my heart every single day. I havent felt
the same about horses since nor have I been able to form a connection
with one since then and this was 6 years ago 😞

and do you know what
makes it worse, where I live the property is pretty much at the back
of our house and theres abike track and every now and then I go for a
walk along there ad I see her and I call her and she knows who it is
I can see it in her eyes but she cant come over as theres far to much
gap between the fence and where I am. Sometime I wish I could just
jump the fence and go see her. I miss her so much

i dont know what to feel or what to do..?

Croix — Mon, 10 Apr 2017 11:52:51 GMT

Dear Startingnew~

OK, I can say that I feel for you - no help at all.

I can make all the suggestions that in 6 years you will have thought of already, appeals to better nature, offers to buy, family pressure, public pressure and so and so on - no help either.

I think if you had thought of a possibility you would have mentioned it.

I was a policeman, I used to have a fair bit to do with Family Law. Families splitting up. This was one area where cruelty, vengeance and all the baser emotions could come out. Sometimes human nature at its ugliest.

You seem to be the target of those horrible things, and if not you directly, then you as a by-product of other things. I guess you'd have a better idea than me on that - not that it matters.

You appear powerless to change the situation with the horse - ok . You are reminded of this on a frequent basis so the wound never has a chance to heal - not ok.

If I understand your account you are now around 21. If this tragedy looms so large in your life after 6 years I think you have to do something, and not spend another unknown number of years in this emotional limbo.

Apart from the horse itself being reminded of being the target for cruelty, of being powerless, is bad for you. How can you have feelings of self-worth and a rightful place in the world when always treated that way?

The only power you may have is to stop being reminded, so that time can heal.

Can you move away?

I'm sorry I have no better answer, sometimes life does not offer them. We have to just do what we can.

If you want to talk more - that would be fine.

Croix

i dont know what to feel or what to do..?

SubduedBlues — Mon, 10 Apr 2017 12:08:04 GMT

Startingnew

I like Croix's reply, answers most everything I could think of... 'cept

This may sound silly, but when we moved across country when we were little, my sister used to write letters to the animals we had to leave behind. Maybe writing a letter to the horse could help?

just a thought.

i dont know what to feel or what to do..?

Croix — Mon, 10 Apr 2017 13:29:05 GMT

Dear Startingnew~

I'd never discount anything SB suggested, I've a deep respect for his intuituion

Croix

i dont know what to feel or what to do..?

geoff — Mon, 10 Apr 2017 19:45:47 GMT

hello Startingnew, how much this breaks my heart just as it does for you, because the love for an animal is truly special, especially when you have spent so much time with it and dedicated your time to put her in competition, that's being very proud of her and how well advanced you have taught her and then to win ribbons, I can only feel the pain with you.
I can't leave my puppie alone because she comes everywhere with me, otherwise I begin to freet, because my previous puppie was also always with me through my depression, so I know hgow hard this must be.
Is there any chance you could purchase the horse, not necessarily by yourself because he would say no, but can a friend buy the horse on your behalf, because animals never forget the people they love to be with. Geoff.

i dont know what to feel or what to do..?

startingnew — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 04:15:28 GMT

HI

everyone that has
responded
yeah im 20 Croix and
I agree I have to do something otherwise its going to ruin me just
like everything else has.

I cant move away
from here nd I cant even go near the property.

They would tear up
any notes that I gave them. Im too scared to re ask in person and my
mother would probably get really cross with me. They wouldnt sell
that horse because she was too good and other people are wanting to
ride her. And I dont think I could afford to keep her as we have
another 4 already but id damn well give it a go! Along the grapevine
though I have heard shes not the same horse for others as what she
was for me and she doesnt like letting people catch her either and
she tried to kick them. She never use to do that to me. She actually
sue to play games with me when I would go to catch her but she would
always end up coming to me after a bit.

I wouldnt know what
to say to her if I was to write her a letter, except that I miss her.
Any ideas on what to add to an animal you loved?

i dont know what to feel or what to do..?

Croix — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 09:50:55 GMT

Dear Startingnew~

Any ideas on what to add to an animal you loved?

I'm not sure, perhaps I'd talk about times together, fun together. Times the horse was good or naughty. Times that maybe included other people.

I'd say how I felt, what my plans were for the my future.

I'd take my time, not try to do it in a rush or all at one. Let what was in my heart out. Keep adding to it as time went on.

Delivery - well perhaps that is not as important as the writing, what do you think?

As for your mum - do you normally get on well?

Croix

i dont know what to feel or what to do..?

startingnew — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 10:28:11 GMT

no our relationship is very very strained since i told her about my depression and her blaming it all on me so no not really.

i guess i could give the letter a go, might take a bit to complete but it migt be ok to do

i dont know what to feel or what to do..?

Falling_Angel — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 12:35:30 GMT

Geez SN thats horrible i can only imagine the pain you must be feeling im an animal lover and ussed to ride when i was younger thats just a broken heart couldnt they have given u the horse you worked so hard for ? im sooo sorry to hear about your loss, nothing worse and especialy when there isnt mucg you can do but wonder and love from afar

really feeling for you thats all i can say 😞 xx

i dont know what to feel or what to do..?

startingnew — Tue, 11 Apr 2017 12:46:09 GMT

nope unfortunatley thats prob the only power they had over me at the time and they were keeping that .

i miss her so much. everytime i meantion her my mother usually says all well get over it , she isnt suited to you anyway your too advanced. but that really isnt the point that horse was literally my childhood well what i had of it and she was it those 6 years i spent with her was my childhood before things started getting rougher.

i never even got to say good bye. she was in the spare yard so i could get up early and go for a ride wihtout having to spend an hour trying to catch her when i got that phone call to say your not allowed anywhere near the horse or the property and that was the most heartbreaking part. i never even got to say good bye to her.

i always wondered what she thought when i never came back to go for that ride or to see her again and then just put back out in the paddock.

i dont know what to feel or what to do..?

Falling_Angel — Thu, 13 Apr 2017 04:29:08 GMT

omg SN thats horrible and how can your mum not know just how much that horse means to you? i say means because not meant because your still dealing with grief of not saying goodbye and not having any power over the ppl to help you at least just to give you a real goodbye are ppl really that mean ? altho i know the answer to that is yes 😞 i really hope u can find some way in your own way and wonder if u can make your mum realise how much your still hurting and care? do you get along with your mum well? i really wish i could do something to help . Thinking of you hugs x 😞

i dont know what to feel or what to do..?

startingnew — Thu, 13 Apr 2017 05:47:11 GMT

Its the people who owned the horsr that wont let me see her. And neither will my mum. My sister loves to rub it in just how much shes been brushing her and doing this and doing that and sends me heaps of photos and things and its breaking my heart.

No i dont really get on with my mum. She doesnt support me with my ptsd anxieties or depression. She doesnt support me going to counselling. She doesnt support me having to go to my gp all the time. Sbe doesny support mr going to any of my other appointments and shes the one thag tells me to suck it up and stop being a baby

They all know know how much she meant to me

i dont know what to feel or what to do..?

Falling_Angel — Thu, 13 Apr 2017 06:33:02 GMT

OOOOOHHHH DEARSN ive just read some of your other threads sounds to me like your the mother of the family and they are all kinda jealous or something of you yet i know you do what you do out of love yet thye take you for granted and dont want to know about you having problems as they dont want you to have any it would take the focus off them yet they cant see your pain OMG .... i can relate on many issues ive been sexually abused and also as a adult omg you wouldnt guess who by but anyaway i have my DV councillor and a councillor from laurel house (they specialise in sexual abuse) i also have a mental health worker but she is only sometimes actually on the planet .... is there anything specific youd like to talk about with me? i can only listen and maybe tell u more about me and how ive coped sort of im now 46 aand still feel 17 when i broke down my family didntn want to know me they didnt want to accept tht i had problems as i kept my shit together because i had to after our parents died in 1993 and 1996 the last 15 years have been hell for me i find it hard daily to find something to make me feel like life is worth the effort so i totally understand there , i have 2 grandchildren i have 2 sons 28/25 yet they all have thier own problems and lives i hardlys see any of them and my illness doesnt help but one day maybe . its not how i thought being a nan was going to be but i have to take what i can get when i can get it , im still emotionally wrecked from the incident withn my friend/nieghbour but not much i can do about it , one day at a time talk soon thinking of you SN hugs x

i dont know what to feel or what to do..?

blondguy — Thu, 13 Apr 2017 15:04:07 GMT

Hi Startingnew

I hope you can add this information to one of your other threads so people can have a better grasp of what you have been going through and respond accordingly.

Startingnew :Not coping after disclosure

Happy Easter SN

Paul

i dont know what to feel or what to do..?

startingnew — Fri, 14 Apr 2017 03:57:37 GMT

Hi FA

oh... thank you for reading my other thread... and thank you for sharing your story

Yes im pretty much the mum of the family and a full time carer for my pop but we will keep that convo to the other thread that i have feel free to join into that one.

But yes its very difficult to live through esp with upcoming tests

Its so hard without my beloved horse. I tried writing her a letter but i just kept crying.

Am i allowed to be angry sad upset about her even thougb i was only borrowing her