topic Love can't overcome all! in Relationship and family issues

Love can't overcome all!

Cpp — Mon, 22 May 2017 04:25:29 GMT

Hi All,

Im new to this and not the best at written communication. Also my issue has been occurring for about 30yrs. Hence not sure where to begin!

Im a mother of three still married to a man who has a controlling jealous mother who has and will never approve of me.

I'm currently waiting on psychological support. When I was young I thought love would Overcome all. WRONG!!

I know now that there cannot be a middle ground between this kind of woman and a son who needs her approval.

Hence I've ended up anxious not functioning at family events yes all of them I loose it cry before going and begging not to go begin to hyperventilate and when I'm there my communication is hopeless consisting of only hello goodbye and I don't know as anything I say is manipulated and miss construed. So the running joke is. Oh here comes I don't know!

She has emotionally, verbally abused me and has over stepped the mark in privacy issues too many times to mention.

Today is a really bad day as I had a flash back of a horrible episode when I was young with my first born in the first week of giving birth to him. She didn't ask to come over and used the key my husband gave her to let herself in. Refused to leave when asked to, it was the worst time she caught me coming out of the shower. I had mastitis at this time and she proceeded to grope me telling me I had to massage them yes my breast. I was mortified and froze and so only resort I could think of was I got dressed hurriedly picked up my child and left my home not returning till my husband came home and she left. I remember waiting in the car across the road for her car to leave.

This became a routine I would get up at 7 each morning dress the kids and leave the house I would either spend the whole day in shopping centres friends houses and mums house. Only in the last 4 years have I had repreave as I asked my husband to change the locks and I changed my number and he told them that they are not to call me and come over without being invited. Because I had a severe melt down!

I'm a wreck now. I'm worried because I sometimes resent him for not choosing me and putting me in these situations or is it my fault not being stronger I did ask her to stop on several occasions I also tried to ask her to get along for my husband and her response I remember it clearly. " he may be your husband but he will always be my son" I walked away I wasn't prepared to be rude.

Maybe I should have ended the marriage a long time ago?

Love can't overcome all!

Just Sara — Mon, 22 May 2017 04:55:24 GMT

Hi and welcome CP to our caring community;

I have commitments today which will make this post a short one I'm afraid. But due to the expressive (yes you can write very well btw) and desperate nature of your words, I felt I had to pop in and give some reassurance.

You are not alone...

Your issues are relevant and important, and quite common to read on this forum from time to time. I absolutely empathise with you on this subject. I do have things I'd like to add, but due to time will have to try again this evening.

The main point I want to put forward is the balance of 'Power'. It's an all too common theme that affects people in relationships, no matter their circumstance.

Please feel free to cruise the threads/sections at your leisure and hopefully others can join in on this thread as well.

All the best. Keep your chin up ok. We're here to support you...

Sara (hug)

Love can't overcome all!

Cpp — Mon, 22 May 2017 05:31:22 GMT

Thank you Sara for responding. I look forward to hearing more about you think and what others think.

Im a little lost a present. But I'm just following the steps from the mindspot program I did. So hanging.

I have scrolled through a few and Croix seemed to be helpful too. I'm glad I found this forum.

I know it's not an easy fix but I need a solution can't go in like this much longer it's not a good life.

Love can't overcome all!

ro63 — Mon, 22 May 2017 06:23:10 GMT

Hi Cpp, And welcome and i agree with sara your writing is pretty good ,but your situation isn't,I can so relate to this situation, as it is my situation ,only I am the man with the nightmare mother. Very controlling and both verbally, and particularly emotionaly abusive ,in my case this behaviour by my mother has damaged me, my sisters ,and my marriage ,I f I had my time over again I would have cut her off ,and it sounds like that is what you need to do too,But I do realize that will be extremely difficult as she will have a mental hold over him as mine does with me ,my suggestion would be to sit him down and tell him of your feelings and hurt for both you and the children,in the most non confrontational way you can, because if he has a mum like me he will have been conditioned to defend her ,but it will affect the children and most importantly it will demean you which you do not deserve in any way ,I will try and think of some ways to bring it up and I will come back to you on this .I am so sorry this is happening to you , i know you will stay strong for the kids, but do take time for yourself you don't deserve this,and you need to find a way to let him know where his priorities are .My thoughts are with you on this ,regards Ross.

Love can't overcome all!

Cpp — Mon, 22 May 2017 07:10:03 GMT

Thanks ro63,

you don't realise how reassuring this is to me. I really felt like I was going crazy and somehow I deserved it.

I really am sorry it's been so destroying for you. I would love your help on this.

I hope things get better for you soon.

Once again so very thankful for your message.

Love can't overcome all!

ro63 — Mon, 22 May 2017 07:41:45 GMT

Hi Cpp, Firstly you are very welcome and, Trust me your not going crazy ,and you most definately don't deserve it at all ,I would like to write a letter to your hubby outlining the things that will happen to him over the next few years if it doesn't change ,however I can't do that so hang in there and keep strong ,my situation unfortunatley is a done deal ,but you have a chance ,to turn it around stay strong and don't back down ,talk soon Ross.

Love can't overcome all!

Cpp — Mon, 22 May 2017 09:06:54 GMT

Thanks Ross,

I agree he's a good man but I need to speak up. I'll try and find some time when the kids are at school maybe tomorrow.

I think I'll write something down first so we don't end up in a fight.

thanks again!

Love can't overcome all!

ro63 — Mon, 22 May 2017 09:29:31 GMT

Hi Cpp, just a quick note, it may be an idea to say to him that it is not your mum,I don;t like ,but her behaviour ,and try to seperate the two ,because he may find the two linked ,and this will be the battle. I feel is for you to keep the two very seperate, and not a personal attack, Good luck ,I think you need this for you, as much as he needs it for him,my fingers are crossed for you,Regards Ross.

Love can't overcome all!

Just Sara — Mon, 22 May 2017 10:48:32 GMT

Dear CP;

I'm so glad you and Ross have found each other! Btw Ross, great support and encouragement.

I've read thru the posts and find some wonderful examples of what this forum is all about; helping each other. For Ying there is always a Yang...

I see you're preparing to talk with hubby by writing something down, this is a great idea; I've done it myself.

To address what I've said about the balance of power; three's definitely a crowd when it comes to marriage. The thing that strikes me is how as women, we rely on our husbands to defend us when we're vulnerable and hurt. When they don't, our hurt becomes worse and sometimes turns into resentment.

As Ross has suggested, men in this situation are in the middle and will be torn in allegiance. Explaining how you feel powerless and hurt will give him a sense of his and your position on the power scale, putting his mother in control. No-one likes to be controlled.

As long as you talk about how you feel without pointing the finger at him or his mother, using emotive language and asking for what you want specifically, the ball will be in his court.

Working out what it actually is that you want can be confusing and scary, so maybe you could take a bit more time to think on it.

Let's face it; if you had to defend your children, wouldn't you go to any length to support them? This is what women need from their men... defending and protected from threat or humiliation. He's the love of your life, you're the mother of his children and her Grandchildren. That's enough...

I wish you well in your endeavours CP. You too Ross; there's no time like the present to change for the better, no matter how small an offering.

I'm in your corner...you're both heard and validated by me.

Kind regards;

Sara

Love can't overcome all!

Cpp — Mon, 22 May 2017 11:51:59 GMT

Yep great way to start it thank you. I agree

Love can't overcome all!

geoff — Sat, 27 May 2017 23:31:45 GMT

hello Cpp, I'm sorry that I hadn't replied to you much earlier, because you're in a situation that certainly doesn't warrant any respect to you.
All the comments by Sarah and Ross have been excellent and they have been able to connect with you, and that's what is so important, so Iprobably don't need to say much more here, except that if your husband is mummy's boy this has to end.
He is married to you and you both have children and under no circumstance can she physically touch you, without your permission, but what she did is way out of line, it's virtually edging towards physical abuse or assault, call it what you like, but it's way of bounds, and you could charge her if that's what you have to do to prove a point.
If your husband is not strong enough to tell his mother to butt out and leave you alone, then his priorities are not where they should be, and needs to be told, calmly at first, and if nothing happens, then severely with the threat of taking out an AVO.
As Sarah has said 'three's definitely a crowd', but please let us know what actually happens. Geoff.

Love can't overcome all!

Cpp — Sun, 28 May 2017 23:25:06 GMT

Hi Ross, Sara and Geoff

thank you all so much, I don't think you all realise how valuable for my soul this has been.

I feel validated that I'm not going crazy and that I have a right to be heard and respected. Now I have to work out what that looks like for my best interest and the happiness of my kids.

I think I'll wait for my first appointment with the psychologist and see if they can help me tackle this with the right tools.

My husband has slowly started to come around with what he says to me, but I feel like he still sits on the fence.

For example I can't stand to see her face or deal with her it if I don't go to the family gatherings on birthdays or don't let her come to our special days e.g kids birthdays which I've never done I just bring it up we end up having a massive argument and I just give up and go along with the status quo!

I need figure it out. Some days I wish I had never married!

Love can't overcome all!

ro63 — Mon, 29 May 2017 05:51:02 GMT

Hi Cpp,Hope things are getting better with hubby ,and Im glad you are seeing the pychologist ,they might have some different ways to broach this ,I do know how difficult it would be on you ,as it has been on me,,so I do know where you are coming from ,One way to think about it is that when your hubby had all this controling behaviour laid on him at an early age it was from someone he trusted so it went into his hard drive unopposed, and he just goes along with it because it has always been ,but now it has to stop going any further, as he does need to show you and the kids the respect that you do deserve. If I could suggest him talking to his dad about it alone and tell his dad how much her behaviour is affecting everyone inlcuding his dad ,he may not want to hear this of course but I think he needs his dad to stand up in order for him too aswell maybe the pcych,will have a veiw on this.I hope it goes well for you ,All my best wishes .Ross.

Love can't overcome all!

Cpp — Mon, 29 May 2017 08:52:06 GMT

Thanks Ross

thats a great idea I'll see if I can broach it with him and if he's willing to have this conversation.

Even today was a bad one as it's my sons birthday this weekend he wants to go out with his mates and us for his 18th but no we can't as the supposed matriarch doesn't approve really.

I tried explaining the situation to my husband but he said I know why your doing this cause you hate my mum! It wasn't my idea and he forgets that my parents are also not invited and they are fine with it! They get it. They have all been invited to eat cake and coffee before we go out that day.

I didn't see it being a problem? Am I crazy?

Love can't overcome all!

geoff — Mon, 29 May 2017 17:28:01 GMT

hello Cpp, I think you're hitting your head against a brick wall, which I'm sorry to say, but hubby doesn't want to upset his mother,there would be no problem if she butted out, and if he had respect for you as well, but I don't see that happening, as it's always going to be an ongoing issue that you are going to struggle with.
Goodness me you're not crazy, you're being overpowered from all directions and there doesn't seem to be a comfortable solution. Geoff.

Love can't overcome all!

Cpp — Tue, 30 May 2017 13:10:57 GMT

Thank Geoff, I have to say I had a breakthrough well not I my daughter. She sat her father down calmly and said we are all going out for c's birthday it's planned mums coming you can join us if you wish and so can your parents would you like me to call them? So she did my mother in law said she wouldn't go as it's to noisy at a nightclub for her and Ms T told her she could choose to spend a few hours with her grandson before he goes out or miss out all together.

Mother in law has not responded but has not called back with retribution. Who would have thought my not so little prince has turned into a very intelligent and empower young woman. I think I need to learn from her.

No news is good news so I'm going to leave it there for now in the hopes that I don't jinx myself.

Thanjs Geoff for the support. I'm going with my kids and that's all hat matters.

Love can't overcome all!

ro63 — Wed, 31 May 2017 06:48:01 GMT

Hi Cpp, That's great yor daughter has the way ,hope you have a great night , and as it should be it's your sons birthday not you know who's .that should be the focus ,just make sure you burn up the dance floor in peace.

enjoy ,Ross.

Love can't overcome all!

Cpp — Tue, 06 Jun 2017 12:43:48 GMT

Hi Ros

Despite you know who buying my son the same present we did and tried insisting on us returning the gift. ( traditionally in our family when a boy turns 18 he gets a very expensive watch engraved parents buy it I did for my older son) I didn't loose it took it in my stride and let others handle the situation well my husband and the birthday boy both manned up hubby said no if he wants he can keep both. Then my son piled up and politely told her that because of tradition he would rather keep ours and she would need to return it. They way he did it left me wondering how did my kids get so wise.

i realised I didn't need to fight her anymore others were noticing her behaviour and stepping in when I ignored the behaviour if she was insistent.

Maybe there is a light!

Had a fabulous night out with the kids we even saw the sun come up and I actually saw it's true beauty for the first time in a very long time.

Love can't overcome all!

ro63 — Wed, 07 Jun 2017 02:58:58 GMT

Hi Cpp, I'm so glad you all had a good night and ,wow your men stepped up that is awesome and ,I m so pleased that they now recognize the effect it had on you ,and all the family and has to stop .there is a light and it is burning bright, so happy for you hope you are having a great week .best regards Ross.