topic I am beyond miserable, scared to leave, scared to stay. in Relationship and family issues

I am beyond miserable, scared to leave, scared to stay.

Raewyn — Fri, 13 Oct 2017 10:01:57 GMT

I am not sure that the 2500 characters is enough for me to write everything I need too. I need to get this all out. I do not have anybody left in my life to talk to....

In 2009 about a year after the end of my 10 year relationship (he was the love of my life and he cheated on me), I had started to re-build my world... I had lost everything, house, his family, I miscarried. Two years earlier I lost my only family, my mum. I have no siblings or children. I moved into a house with a few books and a bed, I was severely depressed, PTSD, I started drinking at the local pub, every night. I ended up making a lot of friends there (country town), got a great job and met "S".

"S" was very smart (very very smart), funny, had strong opinions, and very handsome (to me). I fell head over heels. ...at this time, I was feeling super confident, I was 34 years old, I was thin for the first time in my life (had lost weight through depression), and he just seemed perfect. He had two teenage kids (lived with the mum) who I adored. He worked fly in - fly out.. anyway...he moved in with me within a couple of months (he just started bring stuff over), he started telling me I was fat, he was going to strip clubs when he was away at work, he was treating me like a secretary (ringing me demanding I do paperwork for him), he smashed some of my belongings...he basically had control over me... in between all this bad, was lots of good, fun, laughs...it was so up and down...I was walking on eggshells mostly...over the next year or so, I lost my remaining friends... he hated them - they hated him, he simply made it hard for me, I didn't fight for them, I just let them go...and after a couple of years I was alone, just him and I. Everything for me spiralled out of control. Two years into it, and I found out he had had a vasectomy years before we met. I was devastated. I still am. I went into severe depression. I still am. He does not ask if I am unwell.

I am still with him. We have not slept in the same room for 3 years. He left his job 3 yrs ago and never went back to work (lives off money from selling a house). I work from home. I cry secretly at night about not having a family. I am 42. I have no one in my life. I am scared to leave because I will really be alone, and I am already so severely depressed. We do not talk about how I feel, he goes silent.. As long as I act happy its all 'okay'. I keep thinking its me, like I have issues, that everything should be okay... I am not coping.

I am beyond miserable, scared to leave, scared to stay.

Raewyn — Fri, 13 Oct 2017 10:17:45 GMT

I wanted to add, the reason I was prompted to come here and write, tonight while I sat discreetly in my room on the phone for the first time to a councillor, in tears about not coping, never having a child, my fears.....he was also on the phone, happily chatting to his daughter about her upcoming birthday.

I am just gutted. I am hurting so badly. I feel completely helpless. I have thought of everything I can and nothing changes the fact that this is permanent, no family, and it’s truly like he doesn’t care, as though he wanted this. I’m so sorry I sound like a babbling idiot... there’s so much more I could say... I just hurt and I hate waking up to this every day.

I am beyond miserable, scared to leave, scared to stay.

Croix — Fri, 13 Oct 2017 13:25:13 GMT

Dear Raewyn~

You are welcome here, and 2,500 characters was plenty, you have given a very clear picture of you unhappiness but also how you life is with "S" in detail.

The first thing to say is I'm very glad you are taking action.Talking to a counselor and posting here are both excellent things to do and can be the start of much better things.

The second thing to say is I'm afraid you have described quite accurately a highly abusive relationship. As you may know this is not always physical, but very often mental, with one person taking control of another by means of verbal and emotional abuse.

It ends up with the victim in exactly the sort of situation you are in now, feeling helpless, worthless, trapped, isolated and as you say 'walking on eggshells'. It is a situation that never improves, only gets even worse.

I think it is really tragic the blows life has dealt you with the heartbreaking end of that relationship, the miscarriage and the death of you mum. After that you would have had a hard time coping and I guess you were pretty vulnerable.

I have no real suggestions for you while you remain in your current situation. Although it may seem a huge wrench and a terribly hard thing to do I'd suggest you think about ending that relationship and build a new happier life. 42 really is a fine age to start again.

I hope you feel welcome and confident enough of our understanding to talk some more

Croix

I am beyond miserable, scared to leave, scared to stay.

blondguy — Fri, 13 Oct 2017 14:38:00 GMT

Hi Raewyn

I can feel your pain even inbetween the lines in your post. It takes a lot of courage to post on the forums and good on you for taking the time to do so too!

Croix has provided sound advice above as per his life experience.

The post limit of 2500 characters is no issue on the forums. You are more than welcome to post as many times as you wish. This is your thread.....not anyone else's.

If we didnt have new posters there wouldnt be any forums. Your posts are just as important as mine or anyone else's here.

I just wanted to reassure you that you are not on your own. I understand what you are going through as I was in an abusive relationship too and its like being shoved into a corner.....not to mention the heartbreak and anguish that you are going through as well.

Your life...your well being...happiness...mental health is paramount. Anything else is secondary

I feel your pain Raewyn. The forums are a safe place for you to post (and me too of course)

I do hope you can post back if and when you wish.

My kind thoughts

Paul

I am beyond miserable, scared to leave, scared to stay.

Raewyn — Sat, 14 Oct 2017 03:05:45 GMT

He mentioned last year during a rare conversation that he believed he may have sociopathic traits. I didn’t think anything of his comment. Then last night after posting here, I looked into it....

Thank You for the replies. I think today I will pull the blinds and stay in bed... normally I force myself to keep productive...but I’m at the point where I am just tired. I’m also feeling crap for ‘playing the victim’ basically... I do appreciate your time in replying though.

I am beyond miserable, scared to leave, scared to stay.

Raewyn — Sat, 14 Oct 2017 03:52:22 GMT

Now I feel anxious. Discussing the relationship and my misery out loud makes me feel sick, anxious... I’m so scared to leave because I don’t want to be alone. I have spoken to a friend on the phone about everything, she lives interstate, and I feel worse after talking about it. I understand completely, why it is easier for people like me to just isolate themselves. All of a sudden I start thinking I love him, I will miss him, I worry about him... he’s all I’ve got and I’m all he’s got... he also isolated himself... he only speaks with his daughter now, and that is rare, as he dislikes everyone. My head aches. Maybe it is just me. Maybe it’s hereditary...My mum had severe depression and was an emotional blackmailer... then again, she was incredibly lonely as well. I feel terribly guilty that I now understand so much more about her, through my own feelings now.

I am beyond miserable, scared to leave, scared to stay.

Croix — Sat, 14 Oct 2017 12:20:34 GMT

Dear Raewyn~

Thank you for coming back and saying more. I'm impressed with the honest way you try to look at yourself and at the same time saddened that you have been brought down to this level of pain and confusion.

There is a sort of comfort in the familiar, not matter how horrible, and I guess any move that might result in you changing your life, even just talking, will straight away bring about anxiety and fear. Headaches, tiredness and feeling incapable are all are often the direct result of anxiety, I get that way myself.

That anxiety and fear can make the mind try to invent reasons to do nothing (something I've found in myself too) and thus you feel maybe he needs me, maybe I am responsible for him, maybe it is my fault - and so on. All a reaction, not really the truth. You may well love him, but the him you love is sadly not the person you are living with, but the one you thought you saw at the start and wish kept on going the same. Disillusion can bring on a sort of disbelief that those original impression can't really be wrong.

There are almost always things we regret abut our relationships with our parents after they have passed away. It does take a large part of one's life to gain enough experience that understanding can come. Even with that understanding it does not mean things would have been much different.

I now can see where my parents were coming from, but I guess in every interaction with them I had little choice but to do what I did anyway.

I'm glad you are talking with a friend and the counselor, despite feeling sick and overwhelmed and maybe wishing to retreat. I would think in time you will have to make some sort of a move.

I hope, despite the fact talking is most uncomfortable for you , that you will continue to come here and let us know how things are

Croix

I've no idea what 'playing hte victim' means.

I am beyond miserable, scared to leave, scared to stay.

Guest_1584 — Sun, 15 Oct 2017 00:23:25 GMT

Hey Rae.

l get the feeling of talking about it as l've been myself about gf troubles, someone l met after divorce and losing both parents. l feel so guilty though but the trouble is l needed some thoughts about things with her and us and the whole shebang . And that's where you are, l think it's best you do reach out a bit or we get too trapped in our own world and head and can't see it clear anymore.

l'm sorry about where your at , one positive though is just be thankful there aren't kids with you two, Separating with kids involved is the most horrific thing on Gods earth.

l think though , and l ain't no expert believe me but it doesn't even seem like you should be being so hard on yourself in all this. Of course your depressed our in a terrible relationship situation .

Kinda makes me cringe because my marriage ended up a bit similar and my wife badly depressed, l was also in a mess from stress and money and trying to hard to get life together. Same time marriage was going down the tube.

Rea;y proud of you finding that pub all those years ago and socializing like that. l'm in a country area now and l really need to do something like that for myself right now or l feel like life will just fade away right infront of me. l have trouble going in alone though. dunno , it just doesn't come easy to me. Gf and l have been off awhile now but it's not really about women or someone new it's too soon but l just need to be around some people or l'm alone all the . So even if it was a long time ago for you now, l still admire it.

Don't worry about the space , write as much as you need to if it helps. ok.

In your situation , l'm sorry there is no one for you to turn too or support.But the problem is , it's never been a good relationship to start with, so you guys couldn't really work on it , even if he would try or acknowledge things , doesn't sound like that's gonna happen though. So there's not much to work with or for . But what it's done to you is just no good , just no good for you at all.

Could you talk to him about separating ? He must realize how miserable you both are and what it's doing. It's just that if it's mutual these things are a bit easier. But l think you know , you have to get out but l know how sickening and hard that is trouble is l don't see how you have any choice.

Maybe you could start by looking at different places or areas and thinking about a plan and just getting yourself use to the idea for awhile.

I am beyond miserable, scared to leave, scared to stay.

SashaB — Sun, 15 Oct 2017 08:06:56 GMT

You're scared to be alone - but above you mentioned that when you were single before you were feeling confident and making friends. It always feels risky walking away but remember that you can be alone and be okay - you have done it before. Staying means accepting the hurt you feel now for the foreseeable future, unless you guys can find a way to work through this together. Does he know how unhappy you are?

I don't know if I'm allowed to say this but - if you were my friend sitting next to me, telling me that your partner said you were fat, hated your friends, smashed your belongings and lied to you about something incredibly important - I'd be telling you to get tf out asap before you waste another minute of your precious time on this person. You deserve love, honesty and to be allowed to have some friends!

I am beyond miserable, scared to leave, scared to stay.

Morpheus — Sun, 15 Oct 2017 23:02:48 GMT

Hi Raewyn,

Our mind will generally move away from pain and into happiness. You'd ask why you stay there then? Because what our brain mostly feels protected by is familiarity. Even in pain we believe that we can predict what is coming and the sight of, the treatment by and the environment surrounding another person. I learned to be alone (for different circumstances) and came to understand that being alone can offer me the space to gain a better understanding of myself and one of the greatest gifts it gave me was to become a little bit more fearless.

I'm in a similar situation (non abusive) but rather controlling and I understand that we both fear a life without the other but at the same time it can feel that we can't live without the other. The reality is that we had a life before that person and we will continue to have one after.

I wish you clarity and courage for the times to come. Be fearless.

I am beyond miserable, scared to leave, scared to stay.

Raewyn — Mon, 23 Oct 2017 08:45:23 GMT

I am overwhelmed and tearful reading your replies. Thank You. I’m not used to interacting with people much anymore. I’m feeling very down this evening.

We went out yesterday to his motorbike event. He put his arm around me a few times and I wanted to recoil, I don’t know why he did it. I just tried to have a good day, ignoring the happy mums and children etc, which is so hard to do...

On the way home S was talking while we were driving, he mentioned ‘men who are ‘broken’ by their nagging/lifesucking wives’, and under my breath I said ‘broken like me’...he heard me and laughed, and said ‘yeah your broken’.

We never discuss how sad I am. When I have in the past, he either angrily withdraws, attacks or becomes verbally angry. So I felt very brave making my quiet remark, but now I feel utterly devastated... I truly believe his response is his actual feelings... he actually doesn’t believe I am broken? Or he believes he is a victim?

It hurts that my hurt is invisible to him. I cry quietly. I go quiet. All because the consequences of him knowing are too much for me.

In a healthy relationship I would ask him what he thinks, feels, so as not to misinterpret him, but I cannot do that.

Its been 12 days since I spoke to a lady on lifeline regarding me having nothing to live for without children, and I’m not broken?

I’ve been in bed all day, while S went to visit his daughter. That in itself hurts me. I just hurt.

I really feel like finally, being brave (or stupid) and going in there and just screaming at him....

I am beyond miserable, scared to leave, scared to stay.

Guest_128 — Mon, 23 Oct 2017 10:38:05 GMT

Dear Rae,

I am so sad that you are in this absolutely crap position.

You seriously need to get professional people into your life!!!!!!!!!!

You need help from them.

Ph the help lines here,go to your local gp

You need to get out of there.

Go stay with your friend interstate.

This relationship has no future.

Keep posting here,there are many people that can help you.

Sorry I couldn't give you anything positive,but I think you already know.

Please take care and we wait to hear from you.

Dory

I am beyond miserable, scared to leave, scared to stay.

geoff — Tue, 24 Oct 2017 17:01:39 GMT

hello Raswyn, I've read all the good replies and know what you should be doing but we have to convince you, the trouble is what you are doing is what happens to so many other married or women living together in an abusive r/ship.
They hope that there will a change with him and realise that what he's doing is wrong and then correct himself, unfortunately that doesn't happen, they abuse you, then they make up promising that they will correct their ways only for a couple of days later it all comes back.
I understand your circumstances, but unless you move away from him you won't be able to have any friends.
The only reason he put his arms around at the motorbike event was purely to show off, he was only pretending, he doesn't love you, he does whatever he wants to do while he's away working because as they say 'he's the man'.
You should leave him and do it while he's working, go and visit your friend interstate, I know you may not want to do this, but consider a life with him and the abuse compared to living by yourself until you can meet someone else. Geoff.

I am beyond miserable, scared to leave, scared to stay.

Guest_128 — Wed, 25 Oct 2017 07:01:24 GMT

Rae,are you there?

We are worried about YOU.

How are you? I hope we didn't scare you. You don't have to do what we say,it's just advice because we know.

Dory

I am beyond miserable, scared to leave, scared to stay.

Raewyn — Sat, 28 Oct 2017 08:40:34 GMT

I’m still here. Thank You. No you have not scared me. I just don’t know what I can actually do. I’m kind of at the point where I’m forcing myself to eat and shower etc... I haven’t spoken to S in days. I wish I had someone near me to drink coffee with etc. it has been eight months since I saw a friend, and before that it was two years.... I can’t believe how isolated I am. My friend in Queensland met a man a few months ago, she told me they are getting engaged...I could barely manage to say congratulations.... I really don’t know what to do. I drive, walk, throw myself into work...the whole time my head is pounding...mornings are the worst....

I am beyond miserable, scared to leave, scared to stay.

Guest_128 — Sat, 28 Oct 2017 09:06:05 GMT

Hello Rae, it's really good to hear from you.

Your friend interstate that you have spoken to about what's going on,will she help you? Is she in a large town? You know where I am going with this. You can do it and we can help you. You have to be smart,and safe.

what do you think?

Dory