topic Need help please in Relationship and family issues

Need help please

Bennyh916 — Wed, 27 Dec 2017 02:31:11 GMT

Hey guys,

i was just wondering if anyone is able to help me try to understand why I am the way I am with my girlfriend.

i have treated her like she wasn’t good enough, made her feel unwanted, lied to her, hid things from her, over reacted and got angry with her questioning my lies to try to cover myself, I’ve pushedbher to breaking point and i know this is not who I wanted to be and I know I can change.

I know I don’t like the person I am and I need to change for the better and I will do anything it takes to make sure that I’m not a selfish person who only thinks of myself and be everything she needs, wants and desires

i love her so much but I feel like I’ve pushed her to noting breaking point and know she will leave me and never come back.

I know I can be a better man for her and not make these mistakes again

I cant keep doing these things and I don’t have anyone I can turn to to listen, Ive pushed away anyone who was close to me lost all my friends and I’m lost.

I just can’t keep living like this guys. Please help me and any and all advice is taken seriously

thanks heaps

Ben

Need help please

Birdy77 — Wed, 27 Dec 2017 02:48:07 GMT

Hi Ben,

Welcome to the forums.

There are lots of lovely people here with many different experiences, so know that you're not alone, some may be able to offer you some advice and we'll all listen and support you.

It's good that you recognise that you have developed some unhelpful behaviours and that you'd like to change some of these.

Sometimes unhealthy behaviours develop as coping mechanisms, often from experiences in childhood. In order to understand the issues underlying the behaviours, it can be very helpful to look at why you might have developed them in the first place and try to understand them a little, in order to try to replace them with better, or more helpful behaviours.

Do you have any thoughts or insights as to why you have been treating your girlfriend in the way you describe? Also how about the pushing away of your friends ... do you know why you've done this?

Just for you to think about, and you can chat more about that here if you want to and if you feel comfortable.

In my experience, talking to a therapist is a very valuable exercise, if you can find one with whom you feel comfy. If you talk to your GP you should be able to get a referral to a psychologist who will bulk bill.

You can come back and post here as much as you like.

Birdy

Need help please

Mia001 — Wed, 27 Dec 2017 04:17:00 GMT

Hi Bennyh916,

Wow! Welcome to the forums and good on you for having the courage to make your first post. It can’t have been easy to hit that post button!

Simply admitting you have made mistakes is a great step towards fixing things. I think counselling would be your best option, whether it be just for you or with your girlfriend.

Have you spoken to her about how you feel? If not, do you think it would be beneficial?

I would love to hear more from you. Hope this helps! 😊

Mia

Need help please

Bennyh916 — Wed, 27 Dec 2017 04:23:44 GMT

Hi Mia001

yes I have spoken to my girlfriend about all of this and it has helped the situation a little bit, we are both in agreeance that I need to do something to help myself from making those mistakes again.

she will be there and support me through anything I need to do to better myself.

the hardest part about receiving counseling is that I live in a remote town and getting any sort of counseling is hard because it has to be done via a link up or I have to fly down to the nearest capital city for treatment.

i am fully committed to doing whatever it takes to fix my issues.

Thankyou for your support it is greatly appreciated.

Ben

Need help please

Mia001 — Wed, 27 Dec 2017 04:40:42 GMT

Hi Ben,

I’m glad to hear that you’ve spoken to your girlfriend about it. That’s a great first step so well done!

Living in a remote area would definitely be a barrier towards receiving treatment. Probably your best options would be to find a counselling service that uses an online chat or phone calls.

Maybe try calling Beyondblue 1300 42 36. In my experience, the counsellors are really great to talk to, and they might be able to recommend a mental health service/professional.

All the best,

Mia

Need help please

Bennyh916 — Wed, 27 Dec 2017 04:49:02 GMT

Thank you so much Mia

i will keep everyone informed with how I am progressing through this very difficult time and knowing I have got so much support from people really warms my heart.

thankyou

Ben

Need help please

Mia001 — Wed, 27 Dec 2017 04:56:37 GMT

Hi Ben,

I’m glad to hear that. 😊 Having support in family and friends can be a great encouragement in whatever you do.

I’m always here if you want to talk, and I’m sure others will come and offer their support too.

Mia

Need help please

Birdy77 — Wed, 27 Dec 2017 05:12:56 GMT

Hey Ben,

It's great Mia has supported you here.

I wrote you a reply but i might have pressed cancel instead of post, or it might be stuck in moderation.

Either way, i hope you feel supported here.

😊 Birdy

Need help please

Frankly — Wed, 27 Dec 2017 05:46:09 GMT

Hi Ben. Unfortunately we share the same story. Mine has progressed a little worse than yours. And we're on a break. It wasn't violent at all but abuse has a lot of ugly forms and often it's not the big explosive moments..in my case there were none. Well towards the end I would storm of in a silent huff! It's the constant chipping away at a relationship. Your partners hope gets chipped away too..and that's vital if you want it to survive. We're still very much in contact and the break has allowed me to question why I want a relationship at all. I resisted enjoying the great times, became grouchy (which must have been hell) like you i didn't even like myself and knew it wasn't me. My case is I had two work accidents early this year which stopped me working. I'm a guy..I like to 'bring home the bacon' couldn't so blamed the world and it smudged across my relationship. I'm getting help with my silly 'pride' issues which lead to insecurity.

I'm just saying don't be hard on yourself. Face it with her..don't skirt around issues to be PC. If the relationship is worth saving you'll both have to be blunt and honest with each other. Not hugging and holding hands promising through tears it'll never happen again. If there's something inside of you which needs to be gotten out..be honest and truthful with everyone who loves you and certainly be truthful to any health professionals helping you.

You'll have to 'grasp the nettle' for yourself and more so your partner. Fault is a hard thing to accept..you've worn your man pants by posting. You obviously want this. So thoughts are with you (both)

Frank

Need help please

Mia001 — Wed, 27 Dec 2017 09:29:43 GMT

Hi Frank,

Its great to see you reaching out to others! I just wanted to say hi and acknowledge your insightful post.

Best wishes,

Mia

Need help please

Dinkidie — Wed, 27 Dec 2017 10:00:34 GMT

Hi Ben welcome I am also New on here as of today I do know you can now get therapy over the internet i skype with mine once a week I set it up with my gp cos I couldn’t get time off work to

go during the week so when I get home

in the afternoon I skype with mine

Need help please

Bennyh916 — Fri, 29 Dec 2017 05:33:16 GMT

Hey Frankly,

this is something that is so hard for me to speak out and get advice and help from anyone,

i have had a blunt and honest conversation with my girlfriend. We both have aired everything out on the table and didn’t hold back when speaking, this was one of the hardest things I have had to go through with her but one of the most fulfilling moments too.

i want this relationship to continue and I know that I need to make drastic changes to do so, this amazing woman means the world to me and there is nothing I wouldn’t do for her. I have told her this but she understandably doesn’t believe a word that I say right now because of all my lies that I told.

i do believe in my heart that she does still want the relationship.

I feel the best thing I can do is put the future of our relationship in her hands and hope and pray for the best, knowing what I will do for her and the changes I’m going to make I will right every single one of my wrong doings.

this has been the best thing I have done, I never thought that anybody would reply to me or even give me advide or support. This warms my heart to know that complete strangers are willing and able to take time out of their day to try to help someone they don’t know.

i am forever indebted to anyone who has helped me and I can’t say thank you enough to everyone.

i will keep everyone posted on the progress of this situation and I pray that everything can work out for my girlfriend and I, I love her with every part of my soul and she is the woman I plan on marrying.

thank you for everything guys and I’ll keep you all posted in a few days with all progression

Ben

Need help please

Mia001 — Fri, 29 Dec 2017 07:18:28 GMT

Hi Ben,

I’m so pleased that you had such an honest conversation with your girlfriend. Yeah, it’s understandable that she doesn’t trust you, but if you are both willing to put everything into this relationship, her trust will build over time.

I’m so happy that for all the support you’ve received. I too think the people here are amazing!

All the best,

Mia