topic Should I pursue this relationship in Relationship and family issues

Should I pursue this relationship

Bluesky3000 — Thu, 09 Nov 2017 11:59:11 GMT

I met a guy early April this year. We liked each other. He was a bit conservative, but in the following days since we met, he texted and called me everyday. He said I was like a book and could complement a man like him. 3 weeks later, he left to WA for a contract job which initially was 2 months, but extended later.

At the beginning, we kept in touch. Mid June, he called me. He said he liked to have a conversation with me and he wish one day he wouldn't give me a reason to upset me... He also said we missed each other and fell in love. He said this wasn't for gilling but serious....He sounded happy on the phone, but he also told me that someone at work had different opinion from him and took it personally...I could feel his work might not be that smooth...That conversation last one hour and a half....

However, after this conversation, he never contacted me. I texted him, but he never replied. On one afternoon 4 months later, I got his call. He came back from WA. His voice sounded not very happy. He said that might be because pf the warm and windy weather. I asked when he came back, he just said 'recently'. Also the week before he went for an job interview but failed...He asked what happened to me in those days, and he said he missed my voice...When I asked him why he didn't contact me, he just said 'he didn't know, maybe he had low energy and brain packed with other things...' He asked to catch up that night. On the first sight, I could see he wasn't as happy as before...He told me he had an issue with his manager, the environment he worked had bad condition...The next day, he dropped me off at my office.. I felt he wasn't as close to me as before.. Before I left, he didn't kiss me and just did a call posture... That afternoon, there was heavy rain.. I got a message from him, asking if I was ok and got soaked.... However in the following days, he never took the first to contact me...I called him asking what had happenned and if there was anything wrong between us. He said he need his own time, he didn't like himself and didn't have the right to like other people, he wasn't in that best shape to be in any relationship...I asked if he didn't want to keep going me, if so I wish he could tell me clearly.. However, he said nothing wrong with me, it was all about him...

I am so confused now... Does he still like me? Does he still want to be with me? Why doesn't he contact me? What should I do now?

Should I pursue this relationship

BballJ — Thu, 09 Nov 2017 12:07:29 GMT

Hi Bluesky3000,

Firstly, welcome to the forums.

This is hard one to comment on as I am not very great at giving relationship advice. He doesn't sound very happy with his work but I cannot say that is 100% correct as I do not know his side of the story. I think overall you have to ask yourself if you want to be with this person then you can have to keep trying to be there with them and almost support them through this if you feel there is a future there for you with this person.

My best for you,

Jay

Should I pursue this relationship

geoff — Thu, 09 Nov 2017 16:09:32 GMT

hello Bluesky, to be quite honest he made no contact with you for 4 months even after you tried to contact him, plus when he dropped you off at your office there wasn't any emotionally love being shown to you, not a cuddle, nor even a kiss, so to me this indicates two things, he is stringing you along or he maybe suffering from an MI, even so if he was why hasn't he told you.
I think you will keep being disappointed by what he does and feel you would be happier with someone else. Geoff.

Should I pursue this relationship

Bluesky3000 — Thu, 09 Nov 2017 23:24:51 GMT

Thanks Geoff, but what does MI mean?

Should I pursue this relationship

Bluesky3000 — Thu, 09 Nov 2017 23:43:50 GMT

Hi Jay,

Thanks for your comment. This is what I asked myself. Yes, I do want to keep going with him since I really like him, and I know his is a nice person. When we were together, he cared about me. I could feel that. However, now I am really really confused, it drives me nuts...I though about this and wanted to get through. On one side, if he doesn't like me, why did he still contact me after he came back? He asked me to put on face time to talk and asked me to catch up...When I showed the photo he sent to me at work, he said 'yeah, keep it, keep it as your man'...When he told me his knee was painful, I told him to see doctor, he said 'see, I have you to look after me when I am old'....Was he just tricking me? Maybe he wanted me to stop first by not contacting me? He said I am a nice girl, maybe he just doesn't want to hurt me by saying no? What can I do now? If he just encountered emotional depression, I can wait and accompany him to go through the tough time... but I just want that he could tell me clearly... I don't want to wait there like an idiot...

Should I pursue this relationship

Guest_1584 — Fri, 10 Nov 2017 13:07:13 GMT

Hi bluesky.

lf it was me l'd be talking to her about it and maybe you should. Just explain nothing he;s doing is making any sense and ask him to be honest with you and you need to know what's going on with him and how he's really feeling about you guys. Might be better in person if you could , you need to be seeing his face.

Good luck and keep us posted eh.

Should I pursue this relationship

geoff — Fri, 10 Nov 2017 16:29:53 GMT

hello Bluesky, MI is short for 'mental illness' and MH is short for 'mental health'. while AD is short for 'antidepressants', sometimes when we talk we just abbreviate the words thinking that most people know what we mean, but if you're new then you won't know, so I'm sorry about that.
I agree with Randomx you need an answer from him, not an answer that will still string you along wondering and keeping you in the loop, that's what is frustrating you, simply because you just don't know.
Friends only or no friends, period, I'm sorry as much as you want him, he keeps giving you mixed feelings, only confusing and complicating the situation. Geoff.

Should I pursue this relationship

BballJ — Sun, 12 Nov 2017 11:32:29 GMT

Hi Bluesky3000,

It is so hard when you are trying to interpret what someone says or means, I think you need to be upfront with him and let him know exactly how you are feeling and that you do want to be with him and will wait for him whilst he works through his stuff. Opening up about how you feel is tough but sometimes it is needed so the other people can fully understand you.

My best,

Jay

Should I pursue this relationship

Juliet_84 — Tue, 14 Nov 2017 10:37:01 GMT

Having been through something similar recently, I can relate. The thing that you have to ask yourself is "do I like how he makes me feel", not sometimes, but all the time. When something is right it will be easy at the start,they will be there for you and won't play games. As hard as it is, you need to end it with this one to free yourself up to allow what you deserve to come into your life. I think deep down you already know this, but it just may take a little time to process.

Should I pursue this relationship

Bluesky3000 — Mon, 20 Nov 2017 02:07:37 GMT

Many thanks guys.

Actually I went to see him one week before. I felt I must talk to him and know exactly where I was...Until now, I still couldn't calm down, so below words may be out of logic..

I asked him how he thought of us. At the beginning, he wouldn't tell anything. He said he didn't want to have such a conversation and say something he might regret later. After I insist, he said he didn't feel the magnetism between us and we wouldn't fulfil each other. I asked why he called me in June saying we missed each other and felt in love? However, he couldn't remember and said he must be drunk that day...

I have been trying to forget him and everything happened between us.. but failed. I felt frustrated and really hurt... If he already knew he didn't like me that much, why did he call me saying those sweet words? He said it was good at the beginning for every relationship but went bad later, he wish he wouldn't give me a reason one day to be upset with him; He asked me if I could offer lots of love when he came back; he even said he could cook the chicken soup for my lunchbox...How could a person change suddenly like this?! Did he just want to comfort me since he knew he wouldn't keep going with me? He said those words just because he didn't want to hurt me? I should have known this when he didn't reply my messages, right? Was I that stupid?! If he didn't want to keep going, why did he still call me after he came back and asked to catch up? He said he missed my accent... When I called his name, he said that was the way I called him before and asked me to repeat... It seemed that he missed that...When I asked him to see doctor, he said he had me to look after him when he is old...Why did he still give me the impression that he cared about me? I told him at the very beginning that I was after a serious relationship...He seemed changed suddenly to another person... How could he treat me and trick me like this? If he is a playboy, I wouldn't feel so hurt. But I can see he is a nice, caring and family oriented person, which makes me feel even worse...Am I no good enough for him? Am I that stupid that I didn't realize the truth when he didn't contact me?.. I wanted to cry, but no tears....

Should I pursue this relationship

BballJ — Mon, 20 Nov 2017 13:51:56 GMT

Hi Bluesky3000,

Wow, I can see how much this is hurting you, I am just a loss for how to explain this as I just cannot speak for his actions. I don't even know where to start which I can see why it is confusing you also. The whole situation sounds very confusing, I do think he had those feelings for you before and did mean what he was saying but you can't control people's feelings and if he is indeed not in love with you as he says then all you can do is try you absolute best to move on. I know it is hard and I know you do not want too and you are trying to make sense of it all but at the same time some things cannot be made sense of. You have done all the right things speaking to him and trying to work it out but a person can only take so much until they realise it is time to move on and trying to forget about this person. It is hard and tough but time does in fact heal all wounds.

My best,

Jay

Should I pursue this relationship

Bluesky3000 — Tue, 21 Nov 2017 00:30:02 GMT

Yes Jay, I am trying to move on, I am trying all my best to move on...I know time will cure but it is so hard at the moment...so frustrated...It makes me feel like I am a woman no one will like me...

I know we can't control a person's feeling...I just can't understand how a person could change his feeling so quickly? He said many times that he was really into my smile and like my voice which could calm him down...The night when we knew he would leave for work, we had a deep chat, he told me what happened to him before, how he felt about relationship...That was why I never doubt his feelings...The phone call back in June last one hour and a half.. He sounded really happy. His words made me feel we would have a future...But suddenly all seemed have changed... I just couldn't make sense of it... If he really had feeling about me, how could he changed suddenly and so quickly?... If he already changed his mind, why did he still call me to say those words???....

Should I pursue this relationship

BballJ — Tue, 21 Nov 2017 11:23:02 GMT

Hi Bluesky3000,

I understand what you are saying, I just wish I had a good response to give you as to why he has changed so quickly and why he said all of these things to you that almost has lead you on. Making sense of stuff like this is so hard and I bet if he was asked he probably wouldn't be able to make sense of it either, he seemed to really be invested in you and you seemed to make him so happy so why he would turn doesn't make any sense.

I do wish I had advice to offer on why he was doing this, but I do not, it is just so hard to comment on from an outside perspective.

My best,

Jay

Should I pursue this relationship

Libby1 — Mon, 27 Nov 2017 14:28:49 GMT

Hi Bluesky3000

Sometimes men can be scared to get too close to someone else. It is called avoidant attachment. His behaviour certainly seems to fit this picture. Some men feel low self worth. Like they are not worthy of someone else's love. Maybe he had a traumatic childhood. Men sometimes reach out and form a relationship but can't quite commit to it. Sometimes it is easier for them to communicate by text or phone rather than in person.

He is signalling to you that he does not want a close relationship with you with real emotional intimacy.

I am sorry you are hurting. He may be a very nice guy but it sounds as if he will not bring you the close, fulfilling relationship you are after.

Maybe it would help for you to think about the type of relationship you would like so you will be ready for one like this sometime in the future.

Take care.

Should I pursue this relationship

Bluesky3000 — Tue, 05 Dec 2017 00:03:37 GMT

Thanks Libby1..

I am confused what kind of person he is...Sometimes I think I am no good enough for him, sometimes I think he might trick me from the beginning....

Recently, I found he started to date someone else...

Should I pursue this relationship

BballJ — Tue, 05 Dec 2017 11:35:31 GMT

Hi Bluesky3000,

Sorry to hear he has started dating someone, that is not good to hear from your point of view. I know it is tough but now is the best time to start moving on and finding ways to move on from him, he doesn't have your best interests at heart and that just isn't worth your time.

My best,

Jay