topic My husband's pornography addiction is destroying me in Relationship and family issues

My husband's pornography addiction is destroying me

agnus — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 03:03:58 GMT

I have never posted online before, but I have no one to talk to about this and it is tearing me apart inside. My husband has had an internet pornography addiction for 17 years, each time I have confronted him with this he has promised to never do it again, only to do it again. He has been to numerous counsellors over the years each time telling me hes fixed and no longer addicted. yet here I am again, this time i found by accident a usb full of photoshopped images of myself and my sister, he has placed our faces into degrading and violent pornography and saved them onto usb's . I dont know where to turn I feel so betrayed.

My husband's pornography addiction is destroying me

CMF — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 03:25:36 GMT

Hi Agnus and welcome,

Wow, I imagine finding that usb would have been a big shock. I can't imagine how it would have made you feel. Looking at porn is one thing but to photoshop images of family onto the pictures you described i think takes it to a different place. Him saying he is 'fixed' tells me that he is aware or believes it is a problem that is out of control for him. Have you considered going to counseling together as this is obviously affecting you also and your relationship.

Wishing you the best

cmf

My husband's pornography addiction is destroying me

Quercus — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 03:38:40 GMT

Hi Agnus and welcome to the forums 😊

Reaching out for help is the hardest part and takes guts even more so when the problem is deeply personal like your own. Thankyou for trusting us enough to do so.

Something that really stood out to me was that you said you feel betrayed. Can't say I blame you. When I read your post it completely shocked me. I don't find that remotely acceptable either. Actually I find that frightening. Especially the violation of your image and the nature of the porn. Has he shared the images with anyone?

My question is, given that he has gone to therapy numerous times and nothing has changed, do you want to work through this? No need to reply about anything you don't want to but it is worth weighing up your needs and what you are and are not willing to tolerate.

Couples therapy is an option if you want to and to be honest I hope you're booked in for some counselling and support of your own. And planning a serious conversation with your husband about respecting your boundaries.

I hope I haven't made you feel judged or anxious that's not my intention. I'm truly stunned and find his behaviour distressing. And am worried about you. I hope you feel able to keep writing. There are lots of supportive people on here who will have solid advice.

I just wanted you to know that someone finds your response to this completely valid and reasonable.

Please take care of yourself Agnus.

My husband's pornography addiction is destroying me

MsPurple — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 03:56:01 GMT

Hi agnus and welcome to the BB forums.

Sorry to hear your husband is struggling with a porn addiction and that it is hindering your relationship. It sounds like he has a full on addiction having a USB full of porn. I suspecting he doesn't watch it over the internet (have you got a internet blocker that stops him watching porn?). I think you will need to have a conversation with him about his addiction and how it is affecting you. May I suggest going to couples counseling. I think it will help ensure you word things carefully and it will help him see your perspective of it as well. I was also wondering if you have talked to a counselor/therapist regarding your husbands addiction and how it is affecting you? I think his may also be beneficial as this maybe affecting your self esteem especially seeing your husband Photoshop you onto another persons body.

Hope some of this helps.

My husband's pornography addiction is destroying me

agnus — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 05:57:32 GMT

He has been to a sexual addiction counselor three times since I found these photoshopped images and he told me that the counselor understands it is just his way of dealing with anger ,jealousy , self esteem issues etc. I could not believe that a sexual addiction counselor would say it is ok for someone to photoshop their wife into degrading and violent pornography in secret to deal with his own issues (why use my face and my sisters?) surely a counselor would explain to the person that this is a violation . I would never consent to someone using my face in that way. yet he says every man does it.

My husband's pornography addiction is destroying me

agnus — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 06:06:11 GMT

He had a laptop hidden in one of our cupboards , so when I came through the front door he would just close it and put it under the desk, leaving our main computer open to a car page so I wouldn't get suspicious. I don't even know if he has showed anyone his doctored images of me or my sister, there are a lot of pornography hosting sites in the internet history on that laptop (which I now have in my possession) I looked at a couple and they are sites where people can post their own pornographic images, but they ask for a login and password so I have no idea if my doctored images are on any of these sites. I feel sick thinking about it.

My husband's pornography addiction is destroying me

CMF — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 06:07:24 GMT

Hi Agnus

I think his counselor should be finding other ways for him to deal with anger ,jealousy , self esteem issues etc. and address why he has these issues. Are these issues with you and why your sister? Just things to think about, no answer required.

As Quercus pointed out, think about what you want. Looking at orn is one thign but now it is getting 'personal'

My husband's pornography addiction is destroying me

Quercus — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 06:22:14 GMT

Hi Agnus,

Oh my goodness. A counsellor said that? I'd be asking for that counsellor to say that to my face (and then get a second opinion). It doesn't sound right (or legal even).

Yes a lot of men (and women) like porn. But uploading your spouses face onto violent porn? Without her knowledge or consent? And possibly sharing it online? That is not normal. That isn't acceptable.

Isn't there a whole cyber crime division in the police which deals with people using someone else's image without consent? Can't say I know much about it though but surely there must be a support group somewhere who can advise you on your rights and options?

Will your husband give you the passwords to these so you can ease your mind that he hasn't uploaded anything?

Wow sorry Agnus I'm going to have to take a little time out. I find this very distressing. So can only imagine how horrible you must feel. Please keep writing I will respond when I am able.

My husband's pornography addiction is destroying me

Croix — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 07:16:50 GMT

Dear Agnus~

I'm sorry this has happened to you and would imagine this discovery was horrifying - like you had been dragged into another alien and shocking world. It would also make you see your husband in a new and possibly threatening light as someone that would depersonalize you to that extent. The idea of violence being involved in the images is particularly troubling.

I'll give you my own thoughts about this, I'm not an expert or a doctor

As far as I can see a marriage or partnership is when two people love each other, want the best for the other person, want to care for and look after them, be strong for them, and enjoy being with them. They need to feel secure with that person , and hopefully enjoy sex with them too.

Porn by itself many find most distressing as it compares unrealistic images with ordinary people, and at the same time they may feel it is an indication they are not a fulfilling sexual partner.

I can quite accept it can be an addiction and like all addictions needs the person's acceptance and then therapy with a long-term personal commitment to beat it.

Sadly in this case after 17 years a change in behavior does not look hopeful.

I can see no way after this length of time and repeated broken promises that you can rely upon your husband's word in any matter related to sex and porn. Sadly I would expect that lack of trust will be in other areas two.

In addition to secretly depersonalize you and your sister in violent fantasies, possibly sharing them with others, is a frightening and degrading experience for you. It simply is not something anyone that loved their partner would do.

I have no knowledge in these areas however it is my personal feeling that there may well be there is a degree of violence or hostility under the surface in your husband. This is another possibly frightening factor.

I would not wish to continue in such a relationship.

Is your sister aware of this?

Do you have friends or family, or possibly your sister, who you can turn to, speak frankly with and who will support you? Having someone on your side is a great help.

I'm sorry I can't give you a more positive message. If you think I've missed something or do not understand things properly please don't hesitate to say so.

In any case you are very welcome to post as often as you would like

Croix

My husband's pornography addiction is destroying me

Quercus — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 09:01:05 GMT

Hi again Agnus,

Croix has just said exactly what I was struggling to put into words.

What he has done is not right and most definately in no shape or form or definition of the word respect. Or love.

You deserve a hell of a lot better than this!

My husband's pornography addiction is destroying me

White_Rose — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 09:41:34 GMT

Hello Agnus

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry you have been put through such a degrading experience. Talking to people here who have your well-being at heart may help you.

I am most interested in your husband's assertion. he told me that the counsellor understands it is just his way of dealing with anger ,jealousy , self esteem issues etc. I find that difficult to believe. Frankly I suspect your husband has twisted the actual words to his meaning. No trained counsellor would make these statements and I wonder who he is seeing and how they are qualified. These days it seems anyone can put out their shingle and claim to be a therapist of some sort. (No I'm not biased)

Can you arrange some counselling for yourself? I think it would help you in several ways. One to decide if you want to stay with this man and to learn to manage the emotions this has so rightly stirred up in you. Not an easy way to live at the moment and to consider your options. It seems the longer it drags on the more hurt you will become. That's definitely not good. Perhaps try Relationships Australia if there is a branch near you. Very low cost.

Do you have any children? I would be worried if they saw this stuff. Can you talk to your sister? I think you need some support on the ground so to speak. If you want to talk to someone who does not know you then try the Beyond Blue helpline, 1300 22 4636. It's open 24/7. It's quite likely they will have other information to give you.

What would I do? Find out his quals and check up on him. Try the Australian Register of Counsellors and Psychotherapists. Or just check if he has a registration with ARCP which is probably the easiest.

But your fight is not really with the counsellor it is with your husband. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who has, as you say, betrayed you in such a dreadful manner? I understand how hard it would be to leave the marriage but if you gain some peace of mind it could well be worth it. I left my husband 17 years ago though not for the same reason. I am happier on my own. This does not mean you will feel the same, just an option for you to consider.

Keep talking to us as I think it will help.

Mary

My husband's pornography addiction is destroying me

Guest_128 — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 11:21:18 GMT

Hey Agnus,

It sure is overwhelming for you,

I want to make clear that we are all with you and we want to help you with this.

When you are ready it's your time to ask any questions or just to say what you want and need. You don't have to answer everyone,they are just hurting for you and want to help.

I will send you a hug but that's just a bit to much yet.

Dory

My husband's pornography addiction is destroying me

geoff — Wed, 23 Aug 2017 19:22:44 GMT

hi Angus, I can only agree with what has been said, and definitely agree that he may have twisted the words just to make him feel as though there's nothing wrong with doing this, however it's not what he should be doing, he is addicted to pornography and has been for 17 years.
I don't think he's ever going to change and do wonder whether this marriage is worth all of this hardship.
You're not sure what else he maybe up to behind your back and that's a worry. Geoff.

My husband's pornography addiction is destroying me

Guest_128 — Thu, 24 Aug 2017 09:45:10 GMT

Hi Agnus,

Are you ok? I would like to know that your ok?

Dory

My husband's pornography addiction is destroying me

White_Rose — Thu, 24 Aug 2017 23:09:42 GMT

Hello Agnus

I haven't seen you around for a few days. How are you going? Have you arranged any counselling for yourself. You have been so traumatised by your husband that it will take a while to get over it. Having the help of someone trained in helping people can help you reduce the impact on you.

Have you come to any conclusions on whether or not to stay with your husband? I think this is the burning issue and again I believe a good counsellor or psychologist will be able to help. Psychologists can be expensive as Medicare does not generally pay rebates on these fees. However there is a program where Medicare pay a chunk of the fee.

Talk to your GP about getting a mental health plan. This gives you a total of ten visits to a psychologist which are subsidised by Medicare. You do need to talk to your GP about it and get the plan written up. If you have private medical insurance you can check if it will pay towards psychologists fees. It depends on your cover. Go for the mental health plan first as it gives a better rebate the private insurance.

I would like to know how you are going.

Mary

My husband's pornography addiction is destroying me

agnus — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 05:02:35 GMT

Now my husband tells me "the only thing I need to know regarding him is that he's sorry and he loves me" He also tells me that none of those images were directed at me and that they were not me.

I'm confused to say the least , how can all of those images not be directed at me or in fact have anything to do with me when my face is photoshopped onto these women's bodies. And why photoshop my face into violent pornography and then try and tell me it's got nothing to do with me or about me in anyway ?

My husband's pornography addiction is destroying me

agnus — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 05:05:02 GMT

I discovered this pornography 3 weeks before my mother passed away, and he's telling me to forget about it and grieve my mother instead, how can I grieve my mother passing away when I was already in shock at what he was doing with my face 3 weeks before she died ?

My husband's pornography addiction is destroying me

Guest_128 — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 05:19:11 GMT

Hey Agnus,

i am really worried about you. Can you go somewhere safe for a bit while you work all this shocking mess out. What about your sister,can you go there?

Dory

My husband's pornography addiction is destroying me

agnus — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 06:10:26 GMT

My sister doesn't know about this or the photos he has made of her, and given that mum just passed away there is no way I would add to her stress or sadness, also we don't have a very close relationship . Our three adult children still live at home so there is always someone around I don't think he would physically hurt me.

My husband's pornography addiction is destroying me

Guest_128 — Fri, 25 Aug 2017 06:25:44 GMT

Thankyou for letting us know you are safe,

Is there anyone you can talk to,

Your children must know that your upset and something is going on.

Agnus, this is really bad.

I even think what he has done might be illegal.

We need to help you, you are a human being and should not be treated like this.

maybe tell us a little about you,what do you like in life,hobbies,animals etc

Do you want to separate? How could that take place?

Dory