topic Parable of the Abandoned Panda in Relationship and family issues

Parable of the Abandoned Panda

AbandonedPanda — Tue, 04 Apr 2017 10:25:41 GMT

I have been with my partner for more than a decade. She is my world and is the most perfect thing that exists. I adore her and am madly in love with her. I show her her everyday and do my best to make her feel like a princess. We have always got along great and have built a wonderful life together. We've been through so much together, deaths,job stress, home stress, attempted suicide of 2 of my family but we supported each other and we got thru it. life was perfect for me....

Then in the last year, she has started getting really depressed. Always lathargic and doesn't want to do anything. I am always there to support her as her 'friends and family' are they are only there when they feel like it. I don't mind, I have got really good at locking my own issues away so I can focus on making her happy. As long as she is happy I am happy! I love her so much.

Things got bad when she told me it would be easier if she ended it all. My heart broke. I was there for her And we talked it through and I was able to show her the bright side of life. She went to bed peaceful and happy and I waited till she was asleep, locked myself in the bathroom and cried like a baby. It broke me.we got through it tho and things got better and she was much happier.

Then a few months ago she tells me she is not happy! She wants out. I plead with her not to throw away 10 years of good times for a few sad times. We talk and make a commitment to support eachother like we have always done. Things get better and I'm do everything I can to keep her happy while dealing with my own issues internally.

Then 1 day I get home from work and she's gone. No note, nothing, her stuff is gone an I fall apart. My perfect life crumbles as I am nothing without her. My beautiful princess has abandoned me! After a decade of supporting her, this is all I am worth. I have nothing left, I'm a mess without her! I can't function without her! She's my everything.

I get in touch with her and she says she needs space. I say u can have space but u can't give up on us over nothing! We are so worth it to try and fix it. She doesn't want to try! She's done. She has made up her mind and I cant change it. She chooses her friends over me, I am expendable.

I beg her to try because we are so great together but she doesn't want to believe it.I adore her, she is the love of my life and I would give anything 2 be with her, she is my soulmate. Without her I have nothing. This woman has broken my heart but all I need is her.

Parable of the Abandoned Panda

Just_Lost — Wed, 05 Apr 2017 01:21:47 GMT

I'm so sorry to hear of your sadness and heartbreak.

my situation is very similar, 16 years married no problems that I or anyone could pin point, Husband wants to separate and live his life on his own his own space doing his music, hi passion over me and my daughter but still give me a part of himself and hang out and have fun still.. I love this man unconditionally and he wants to throw it all away because he does not want commitment, responsibility, or to be beholden to anyone again. I have lost my whole being, my home, no friends, so alone and desperate. I fight to get through every hour of every day and feel I'm losing my battle. My heart goes out to you and hope you can stay strong.

Parable of the Abandoned Panda

Apollo_Black — Wed, 05 Apr 2017 01:40:55 GMT

Hey AP

All I can say is that I feel for you and I'm really sorry. Unfortunately some people don't see things the same way we do. We do all we can to make people happy but it's never enough. When they turn away from us we can't understand how easily they do it, especially after all we've been through.

This might sound strange but when I was going through marriage issues, I'd been to a work counsellor. They told me I'd lost my "sense of self". I got really angry at them because I couldn't understand what the hell that meant. It took me months to finally get it. I'd pretty much made my wife my life. She was up there on a pedestal. I was always concerned about her happiness. I wasn't happy when she wasn't happy (which was often). I'd always be conscious of not offending her, trying to avoid conflict and arguments. I'd rather just stay at home with her. I tried to fix her multiple problems. I'd basically nerfed my personality for a quiet, trouble free life (which wasn't trouble free).

Now I'm not saying we're in the same position/had the same type of relationship/etc, but I think we need to be careful not to make our partners/husbands/wives/etc our whole life. We need to maintain our own individuality, our hobbies, our passions, look after our own needs, have firm boundaries - this is our sense of self.

I know this doesn't help your pain. You'll be riding the rollercoaster for a while. But you'll be ok. Get in touch with friends. Eat well. Try and rest. Exercise. Touch base with your GP if you need to. Talk with us here (I'm more than happy to listen and do what I can to help). In time you might think about getting back in touch with a hobby or something you've let slip by over the years. Also, I'd look into a book called "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover (you can downlaod it onto your phone or tablet if you want to).

Parable of the Abandoned Panda

MarkJT — Wed, 05 Apr 2017 01:45:10 GMT

AbandonedPanda, first of all i want to welcome you to the forums. Yes it is under circumstances that are far from ideal but this is what this place is for. For others who have walked in your shoes and also have traveled mental health journeys to help you out with advice and support.

I feel for you massive with what has happened to you, a truly horrible situation to be in.

It seems that you have two options to choose from, to persist with trying to get her back or two move on.

Which ever you choose and only you can make that choice, you are going to need to make sure that you look after yourself, both mentally and physically.

It is crucial that in the fist instance, you get to the GP and discuss this with him or her. You are going to need some assistance to get through this period of time, which ever way it goes. You need to discuss what has happened and how you are feeling.

You need to make sure that your diet is really good, lay off the alcohol, drink plenty of water and healthy drinks and exercise. It would also be a good thing if you start practicing mindfulness. There is a great app called "Smiling Mind" which will help guide you through it and teach you it.

You need to be strong and as you are not in the best of places, this is going to be difficult so the more attention you pay your mental and physical health, the better equipped you will be to get through this.

It would appear that your girlfriend is experiencing some kind of mental health episode. Are you able to try and convince her to see the GP also?

If you persist with trying to get her back, it is going to take a heavy mental toll on you so please see the GP and get some guidance on how to travel this path that you are on.

We are here to help support you through this journey that you are on so please post back and ask any questions you want or just to chat away.

Mark.

Parable of the Abandoned Panda

AbandonedPanda — Wed, 05 Apr 2017 08:56:20 GMT

Thank you everyone for your kind replies. Her family has a history of depression. She can see it in others but I guess symptom to the illness cannot identify the signs in herself. Or maybe she doesn't want to. Her way of coping with all this is to go out drinking and partying with her friends which does nothing for her mental health.

I feel I have tried everything, I talk to her about it, I suggested meditation, reading a quiet book, taking a walk, calming music when going to sleep, I've tried colouring books and to paint her feelings out by she only wants to bottle up her feelings. When they do come out it seem to be to run away or to call it quits. It's so hard as I can see her struggle but she doesn't want my help, she is happy enough spending hrs on end scrolling facebook/9gag or looking at crap on the internet. She doesn't want to do the wholesome activities.

She can see my point of view and how logical It all sounds when I tell her what I think is going on with her emotionally but then she just switches to cold mode and says she needs to figure it out for herself. From my own experience, then person never achieves this on their own. They need help and support as without those network they jst keep spiralling downward until it's too late.

she won't listen to me though and I'm lost and don't know what to do. She is my everything and I love her and adore her. I am just struggling with how to help her. It hurts so bad to see her like this.

Parable of the Abandoned Panda

Apollo_Black — Wed, 05 Apr 2017 09:33:59 GMT

It's not your job to fix her. If she wants your help then sure, go ahead. You've said you've tried everything. So it's time to stop doing what's not working. I think the answer lies in you. You said without her you are nothing. Others have their opinions on this but no-one should be your everything. You are your own person with your own feelings and your own life. Yes, you can share it with someone, but you can't make them everything. I'm really sorry for what you're going through but you need to stop trying to fix her. It's not your job. It's hers. Focus on you and getting back to your life. As hard as it sounds try not to contact her and definitely don't plead with her to come back. Do you have friends you can confide in, hang out with???

Parable of the Abandoned Panda

AbandonedPanda — Wed, 05 Apr 2017 09:43:01 GMT

We have some mutual friends and some who I thought would be there for me have now disappeared to hang out with her. I feel alone and isolated. The friends I have thought I thought I could confide in have no time for me now.

I know I should be doing all these positive things but I just feel so down and do not want to do these as they don't make me happy anymore. Whether I try to ignore it or not she is part of my life, even works in the same building and I can't help but think about her all day. In all our time together there hadn't been a day when we hadn't spoken to eachother... until Monday and it almost killed me.

Parable of the Abandoned Panda

blondguy — Wed, 05 Apr 2017 16:23:16 GMT

Hi AbandonedPanda

Ive just read your thread and I can feel your pain. You are in a bad place. You have also tried so very hard too

There are great posts above from Just Lost, Apollo Black and MarkJT who have given sound advice

At this stage you have exhausted all of your options.

Apollo Black and MarkJT are super supportive and correct but your partner has no interest.

I know that isnt what you want to hear Panda but its only my take on whats happening

People do achieve the need to heal on their own Panda. I am one of many with depression that has sought help.

You mentioned "when I tell her what I think is going on with her emotionally but then
she just switches to cold mode and says she needs to figure it out for
herself"

Unfortunately you cant tell your partner what you think or recommend for her own emotional well being. She will only put up barricades. This is her call...not yours.

If your partner refuses to accompany you to a joint GP/Counselor visit you efforts will be futile

Please be gentle to yourself and have a chat to your GP asap. You cant do anymore except care for yourself Panda

You have to step back now.....for your own sake.

you are not alone here....I have been through the same and yes...it hurts....big time. We are here if you need us

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

Parable of the Abandoned Panda

AbandonedPanda — Wed, 05 Apr 2017 21:17:06 GMT

I have always been the one to ask the hard questions regardless of the outcome. I feel that we have been through enough together that deep down my opinions and thoughts will eventually count for something. If everyone just glazed over the fact that she is depressed how is she going to figure it out for herself. A depressed person never thinks they are depressed.

How low does the person have to get before someone reaches out to help them. No one can do it on their own, generally because people don't want to see what is really going on. It's upsetting knowing that something is wrong may be wrong with you. Sometimes the honesty from a person that loves them the most can be enough to give them something to think about. Sure I can't tell her what to do or feel, that is up to her but I also just cannot ignore what is really going on.

Think of it like an intervention for alcoholics or drug addicts. A true friend would never ignore what is going on, a true friend would ask the hard questions. The weak give up and the strong keep fighting even when the outcome may be futile. Contrary to advice, I will never give up on her as I know her friends and everyone else eventually will. Because when the tough gets going the 'weak friends' disappear, only the strongest survive.

Opinions I guess are like mouths, everyone has got one but I am not ever willing to give up hope, because sometimes hope is the only thing we have left.

Parable of the Abandoned Panda

geoff — Wed, 05 Apr 2017 21:58:09 GMT

hello AbandonedPanda, it's always a difficult situation when the person you love has depression and then wants to leave the r/ship, because there is always someone who is left devastated and feels lost, however this is no different than somebody asking their spouse/partner why they have depression on a constant basis, it's not what they want, so being with someone may not be like that but they feel conscious as though they will have to give them an answer, and by leaving then they won't have to do this they will be by themselves or doing they usually don't do.
For me 'I wasn't happy when she wasn't happy (which was often). I'd always be conscious of not offending her, trying to avoid conflict and arguments' as said by Appollo Black which was also the exact same for me, because if my wife was cross then there was no harmony in the household.
I wonder if this is a stable or healthy environment, well everyone has their own opinion, but for me, NO, it certainly wasn't, because she was actually in control of our marriage, behave and treat us as she felt fit, yes there was love between us, but it wasn't a healthy marriage, where she could use her moods so that she could control what was going to happen.
'I know that isn't what you want to hear Panda', ( Paul), but how many times do you expect this to happen if you get back together, love is strong but it has to be mutual. Geoff.

Parable of the Abandoned Panda

Starwolf — Thu, 06 Apr 2017 02:48:03 GMT

Good to meet you Panda, though I wish it would be in happier circumstances.

I agree with you that people who are doing it tough need support. But for support and assistance to be effective, they must first be accepted. Obviously, your ex is not ready to acknowledge her issues. Have you tried to copy the K10 test for depression/anxiety (see the Facts section top left of this page). You can also download the DASS test. Perhaps she could be enticed to give it a go and learn where she is at from a neutral source. Perhaps...

Other than that, I agree with the advice above. Insistence will be perceived as nagging, badgering etc...and more bricks will be added to the existing wall. Every added brick contributes to making it more impenetrable.

Sometimes, retreat is the wisest, most courageous option. By no means a sign of weakness as there is no virtue in fighting a losing battle.

Right now, you are grieving a loss. It's OK to feel what you are feeling during this process. However, becoming trapped in it can have dire consequences. So please take good care of yourself. If you see no way out of your grief, please do not hesitate to seek counseling for yourself.

Please understand that we are not here to tell you what to do but only to reveal options for you to consider. To share our own thoughts which come from personal experience.

Your pain goes to my heart because I grew up under the thumb of someone who refused to acknowledge her mental illness. Later, I quit a couple of equally toxic relationships with people who also refused to admit they had a mental condition. Years down the line, they're all still in denial, still running away from anyone who attempts to help. If I hadn't walked away and moved on, I wouldn't be here today, connecting with you.

I wish you all the best.

Parable of the Abandoned Panda

Dr_Kim — Thu, 06 Apr 2017 23:10:21 GMT

Oh Abandoned Panda-
I really feel for you as heart break hurts like Hell. Anyone who has been there knows instantly what you are talking about.. Ouch!

Some of us however are in a better place to manage the stress and rejection than others. What would make one person more resilient in this area than another? Its complex and there is not one thing but I think a number of factors.

Lets explore some:

- Childhood experiences. So if a child is brought up by parents that give them the sense that they are special, adorable, loveable and have enough talent within them to be happy and loved in this world … that message that “I am lovable and OK” gets laid down in the neural pathways of your brain just as a given . You dont have to keep trying to prove it to yourself or others as it is just a “known“ to you like “the sky is blue” . You just feel it. Conversely, if your childhood experiences are such that you didn’t emerge with that message from your parents or guardians, then you might spend a significant time in your adult life trying to get the message affirmed by others.

- Family of Origin - The way our parents / families modelled how to manage adversity rubs off on us and we can unwittingly learn bad ( or good) habits from them.

- Personality . Some people are just born confident and outgoing . Having a sort of innate trust that the world will like them and forgive their mistakes. Others have an inherently more insecure nature and are shyer and less likely to feel confident in people’s views of them.

- Adult experiences. It makes sense I guess that if your life experience is one of hard knocks and lots of bad luck, it may wear down your resilience. Even the toughest of us have breaking points.

- Mental Health issues. Anxiety and depression , along with a whole bunch of other mental health disorders can interfere with your ability to be able to see things clearly , be mindful of your role in relationship problems, sort out which thoughts are “real” and which may be unhelpful thoughts from an anxious or depressed part of the brain…

So back to you Abandoned Panda.. I dont know your whole story.. but I feel your resilience to being abandoned is low at the moment. I am concerned that you say "I beg her to try because we are so great together but she doesn't want to believe it.”

I wonder if I was to ask her, she might say that there are things that you may also have difficulty in believing? If so , then why ? Are some of the factors above interfering with your ability to see some realities of the relationship?

dont know the specifics of your situation … but sometimes people can really truly believe that KNOW the truth but in fact your own brain is giving you a bit of BS. Like your own brain is lying to you! Its telling you stuff that isn’t true like “ She’s your soulmate” .. when she’s clearly not behaving like one.

So I guess your challenge is to work out how your get your brain to start feeding you the right information . Stuff thats going to make you whole and strong and your best self. You say all you need is her , but actually all you need is YOU to get your brain messages in order and you will feel so much better.

You may need the help of a counsellor to sort it out . Don’t be afraid to get help . Its a brave , strong and self caring thing to do.

Parable of the Abandoned Panda

blondguy — Fri, 07 Apr 2017 12:33:52 GMT

Hi Panda

Thankyou for posting back. You are spot on....there is nothing with hope.

I see Dr Kim has posted too (as a professional) which is great. As one of the volunteers here we only offer our personal experiences so you can benefit from the power of information and support. Our 'opinions' are only a sign of support for what you are going through.

I hope you are doing as well as possible in your tough situation Panda

we are happy to be here for you

My Best

Paul

Parable of the Abandoned Panda

Spearmint — Fri, 14 Apr 2017 12:32:28 GMT

Hi,

I went through a breakup last year (together 6 years), where my partner had depression. I believed at the time that the reason he left me was because he was depressed. I was devastated. Like you, I had put everything into that relationship, I sacrificed so much, tried everything to make him happy and I stood by him in situations when no one else would. It was painful to realize eventually that maybe being in that relationship was the reason he was depressed and that he was doing the right thing for his mental health and his life.

Like you I was very concerned about his well being because of how depressed he was, but what I did was tell him that if he was ever struggling or feeling his lowest that he could always talk to me, even if it was 40 years from now. Then i took a step back, because I knew that being needy only pushes people further away. If he really did want to be with me, he'd figure it out on his own.

As hard as it is, it is selfish to try and make someone stay if they don't want to. Trust me I know the pain rips through your soul to be without the person you love and have them no longer feel the same way.

We can't ever really know the other persons experience of the relationship. Unfortunately in love there is no certainty and sometimes things don't last forever even though we thought they would.

What I am realizing now is that when I look back on that relationship, I was unhappy alot of the time and there were many things that weren't as good as I thought they were, even though I still miss him very much.

It's a very rough journey, but if someone has 0 interest in fighting for the relationship, there is absolutely nothing you can do. Letting go of someone you love is one of the hardest things in the world to do, but if you really love her then you need to. She may come back, she may not. But she has to figure that out on her own.

Taking care of yourself right now is paramount, when you've made another person your entire life and they leave, that's when you really feel that your life is empty, its both scary and painful.

When your life falls apart you panic and scramble to try and put it all back together. Your focus is entirely on her but putting that focus on you is what needs to be done right now. Allow yourself to grieve and be very very gentle with yourself.

I know that none of this is what you want to hear so you will choose to ignore it.

I'm so so sorry that you are going through this, please take care.