topic Feeling hurt in Relationship and family issues

Feeling hurt

flossie62 — Fri, 21 Apr 2017 10:13:42 GMT

I have been away from this site for awhile, but tonight I feel like I have to write down what has just happened as I feel so sad. I have been feeling so good recently. Even after having a fall 2 weeks ago, and still carrying the scars and bruises, I have managed to cope quite well and kept myself busy and happy. But tonight, out of the blue, my husband's friend of over 60 years told him via text message not to call again and to 'have a nice life'. My husband and I cannot think of any reason for this message and it has hurt both of us so much. We don't know what to do.

I feel very teary and sad, and I can't focus on anything else and we keep asking ourselves why did this happen.

I ask myself why do we even bother to have friends. There doesn't seem to be any point, when they make you feel so bad when that friendship is taken away suddenly.

Feeling hurt

quirkywords — Fri, 21 Apr 2017 10:40:28 GMT

Flossie

Hello. I am sorry you are feeling so bad.

That is so sad and I understand why you are upset. To be friends for over 60 years and then to be dismissed like that does not make much sense. Has the friend been unwell, does he have his own problems?

Do you have other friends. I can see why you feel so let down but friends are important.

It is good you could talk about how you feel on this forum.

Thinking of you

Quirkywords

Feeling hurt

flossie62 — Fri, 21 Apr 2017 10:50:53 GMT

Thanks quirkwords for your response. It does help to know someone is listening.

The friend definitely does have his own problems, not that he'll admit that. He virtually lives like a hermit and we, as a couple, were allowed into his life as he doesn't have many friends at all. He and my husband would often have very long phone conversations and were very good mates, which makes this all so much harder. It's unexplainable.

Should we make contact with the friend, or just leave things alone? Need advice on the best way to handle things.

Feeling hurt

gld — Fri, 21 Apr 2017 13:45:07 GMT

Hi flossie62,

It is understandable you both are upset by receiving this sort of text by a friend of sixty years.

I feel some people who live in a hermit lifestyle are unique and sometimes lose some of their social skills. It could be if they are going through some difficulties they may not want to burden others.

If they have sent you a text like this i feel that you could send a text in brief letting them know you are both always there for them if they want to contact you in the future.

It is impossible to try to guess why people do what they do when they do not give a reason and doing so could make it more difficult for both of you.

You are both very lucky to have each other to share and enjoy experiences with.

Do you think Dr Kim could help you with this situation.

Gen

Feeling hurt

geoff — Fri, 21 Apr 2017 17:30:15 GMT

hello Flossie this must be very upsetting, but I have a feeling that it has nothing to do with either of you, and I say this because he lives as a hermit, but if anybody is suffering from any mental illness they often want to be by themselves and not to be disturbed, that's depression telling him to do this.
I also don't think that he wants to left alone and cut you both off, because it could be a cry out for help, as strange as it may seem, but that's what can happen.
If he lives as a hermit and you know that he has problems, then it's quite possible he could be suffering from depression, so the first thing they do is cut ties.
You could try and ring him but I'm not sure he will answer the phone, so I would go around to see him, but remember if he does have depression he may not talk about what is troubling himself, so it's best not to question him too much, because if you do then he will close up even more.
You will be able to pick up his mood, and the best solution is for him to come and live with you, but I don't think he will want to, however somehow you may have to try and get him to see a doctor, and that maybe the hard part, but please let us know. Geoff.

Feeling hurt

flossie62 — Sat, 22 Apr 2017 00:08:22 GMT

Thanks for the responses so far. We will try to ring, but we also believe that he won't answer his phone - that's if he hasn't deleted us already. If that doesn't work we'll go there and try and see him.

And he definitely won't stay with us.

I have a busy day but I'll be back. Thanks everyone.

Feeling hurt

flossie62 — Sat, 22 Apr 2017 01:18:39 GMT

I had a bad night, thinking about our friend and wondering what on earth we can do to make things right.

My husband has decided that he doesn't want to do anything, but I feel differently. I am so sad that this has happened and I will leave it a day or two and then try and make contact with him. If he doesn't respond, then we will drive there (an hour away) and see if he will talk to us.

He stays in bed most days until about 11am and now that he is getting older, he is not doing as much as he used to. He definitely suffers from depression, but is the kind of person who won't admit it. He only goes to the dr every 6 months to get prescriptions, and would certainly never go to a dr to talk about depression.

I am just hoping that things will work out between us.

Feeling hurt

geoff — Sat, 22 Apr 2017 02:01:39 GMT

hello Flossie, thanks for replying.
I didn't think that he would stay with you, as someone who is living as a hermit as you say, then that would create too much anxiety for him and that's certainly not what you want to do, I much appreciate that, as well as your husband who has decided against contacting him, but please remember a man in pain will not ask for help, and a hermit will definitely not.
If your husband doesn't want to contact him, because he feels let down and I respect that, but I think that if you are really concerned about him, you need to see him.
This may cause an argument between you and your husband, but a 60 year old r/ship is a long time to lose a friend, but it's happened for a reason, one he is too frightened to tell you, but people are too scared to say anything because they don't want to worry their friends, I think this has happened.
Try and convince your husband to go with you. Geoff.

Feeling hurt

quirkywords — Sat, 22 Apr 2017 03:04:18 GMT

Flossie

Thanks for keep us up to date.

Geoff has given helpful information.

I know when I have turned people away because I was depressed I regretted it later.

You are a good friend to be worried about your friend.

quirkywords

Feeling hurt

flossie62 — Mon, 24 Apr 2017 09:07:43 GMT

Haven't done anything yet in relation to contacting our friend. Just don't know what to do.

Feeling hurt

Anthony83 — Tue, 25 Apr 2017 09:25:00 GMT

Not sure if i could be of any help as i would class myself the hermit friend. Mainly because i have done this to friends in the past over the littlest things iv assumed to happen. For instance as one that lives a similar life to your friend and alone, by myself all the time without talking to a single person for days on end. It can be the littlest thing like a phone call that didn't come though on an expected day or time. Leaving him with the thought of 'they don't care' or ' they have an issue with me' ect.

It's very hard to deal with depressing thoughts by yourself without anyone to talk to; they can snow ball into all sorts of accusations that are probably not true. Even when you know this deep down they still grip tight and wont let go. All i can suggest is to send a message/letter/phone call explaining you will always be there for them (sometimes best to act like nothing happened or changed at all). Your friend will probably regret their decision down the track, i know i have many times and it soon becomes too late.

Many times we forget by staying silent the impact of our decisions has a ripple effect leaving the other party (yourselves) feeling unwelcome (much like you stated your husband feels). I personally find it then gets to a point of "no return", where they may feel ashamed to contact or speak to you, even though deep down they may really want to. That's the point of watching their phone ring but ignoring the call only to feel worse later.

With myself it can take days or even months till i feel the courage to speak, however by that stage the damage is be done. 60 years of friendship i doubt they would really want to let go, especially without explanation. This is just my perception as to what they may feel, as i have basically done the same with close friends. Depression hits hard and all i want is to be alone till the point of realization kicks in, they have completely gone; that only makes the feeling worse.

I suggest just keep in contact, don't expect a call back in a hurry, then oneday out the blue they might return the call. Your friend may not even speak a word of it, but for me that's a way of avoiding the ashamed feeling and embarrassment. Not sure if my two cents is of any help, just thinking from the other side of the fence and mistakes i have made.

All the best and good luck.

Anthony.

If only i could take my own advice sometime...

Feeling hurt

flossie62 — Sun, 30 Apr 2017 03:22:17 GMT

Thanks Anthony for your thoughts. I have taken them on board. Our friend is a strange sort of fellow and doesn't care about the fact that he is alone and has no-one to talk to (or so he says). He stays in bed most of the morning, and at night he will watch the news, then turn the TV off and just sit in his lounge chair drinking. He drinks home-made beer with hardly any sugar in it, so it's not like he's getting drunk. He is a creature of habit. We have enjoyed his friendship over the years and felt that he appreciated us staying in touch with him.

I have finally plucked up the courage today to send him a text message. No reply so far, and I'm really not expecting him to respond, which means that we'll probably have to go to his place in the near future and see if he will talk to us.

Feeling hurt

Anthony83 — Tue, 02 May 2017 13:21:08 GMT

Hi flossie,

That is great to hear, by the sounds he may very well be depressed; sitting in the dark alone, thinking is a sure tell tale(i know because i have many times). I am also guessing he is from an era of "be a man and deal with it" maybe why he's stubborn to seek help. Just a thought, has he lost anyone close without his control recently?

I wouldn't write-off the no reply off too quickly either; for myself receiving a msg alike when in hibernation, speaks a million words. It tells me that they do care, and i am actually on their mind without being present. However it could be a case of needing to get the courage up, and speak to the individual after i have ignored them (a very hard feat in itself).

Anyway i could ramble on forever about my personal ways, but i have to say it's great to hear you haven't given up (regretfully many had in my life). Sometimes it's a cry for help then that line blows away in the wind leaving one to feel alone and ashamed.

Anthony

Feeling hurt

flossie62 — Wed, 03 May 2017 00:19:02 GMT

Hi Anthony83,

Our friend hasn't lost anyone recently. He doesn't really have any friends and he doesn't keep in contact with his family. Two of his sisters will ring him occasionally, but no-one else. He is very stubborn and purposely turns people away. He doesn't like visitors and we have felt privileged that we were the only couple he would allow into his house.

I feel much better knowing that I have tried to make contact, and he now knows that I care. But to us the silence means that he has made a decision not to be friends anymore and he's going to stick to that decision. We just hope that one day he might change his mind, but not convinced that will happen.

My husband and I feel very sad about this happening and makes us feel what is the point of trying to have friends.