topic Is it us... or just me? in Relationship and family issues

Is it us... or just me?

A103 — Fri, 15 Sep 2017 03:58:44 GMT

Today is not a good day for me...

I'm 25, married for 17 months and together with my partner for 8 years. In the last 2 years I have felt that I'm not getting what I need from my partner in all aspects of our relationship. He is a kind hearted guy and I know he loves me dearly but he tends to bring a lot of stress and anger into our relationship and puts me on the back burner.

Over the years I've found myself online chatting to other men, even starting online sexual relationships with a number of them. Am I just seeking intention or something more??

The question I face is that do I try and work out our problems knowing very well that we are not compatible or do I walk away?

Im feeling very alone & uncared for at this point...

Is it us... or just me?

white knight — Fri, 15 Sep 2017 13:46:19 GMT

Hi A103, welcome

I agree with randomx though I'd like to be a little more gentle.

Reading your post does not read well hence his reply. No one can make up your mind but if you decide to try and make it work then get professional counseling and return to being faithful. On line sex is not being loyal.

Tony WK

Is it us... or just me?

blondguy — Fri, 15 Sep 2017 14:05:24 GMT

Hi A103

You are strong by posting and good on you

WhiteKnight is spot on with his advice about seeing a counselor. It would be a super wise move.

I have been on the forums since early 2016 and have sought counseling many times about my relationship as I couldnt find my way to any resolution. I actually used my GP as a counselor. He was very good at letting me know where I stood and helped me get back on track

I feel for you as feeling alone & not cared for is a bad place to be in A103

You are more than welcome to post back without being judged in any shape or form.

Thankyou for reaching out to us. That takes serious strength!

My best for you

Paul

Is it us... or just me?

SubduedBlues — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 09:26:58 GMT

Hi there A103

Some good advice there from Paul & Tony, recommend you follow it.

Insofar as randomx's question, about why you're married... may I suggest that you reflect on what your idea of marriage actually is. Marriage is many different things to many different people these days; the traditional ideal of the "single income, dad head of household, monogamous, and 'til death do us part," type of marriage is less and less common these days.

May I suggest that you articulate out what your idea of a good marriage is. And, what you expect to receive from the marriage, AND, what you are prepared to put into the marriage. Then take this, and your partner, into marriage counselling. If you don't want to see a counsellor, the local priest or doctor often makes a suitable alternative.

I strongly suggest that you have an open dialogue with your husband before you ever engage in a face-to-face meeting with another person. That is a bridge that cannot be uncrossed.

Is it us... or just me?

A103 — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 15:45:12 GMT

I feel as though this site is meant to be a safe space to discuss real life issues and not to place judgement on people, however my very first post and I feel as though it's put me in a worst place...

Perhaps I didn't explain my situation very well, and I also didn't outline why I came here in the first place.

But none the less I'm very aware that online relationships are still being disloyal. And I have been honest with my husband about those relationships, and have told him numerous times that I can't be this woman/wife that he demands me to be. At know point also did anyone query if I was being treated well by my husband.

Kick em' while their down, why don't you...

Is it us... or just me?

geoff — Sat, 16 Sep 2017 18:55:52 GMT

hello A103, I appreciate your comment and of course this is something that couldn't be determined by what you have said to us, as it implied that your husband loved you dearly, I'm sorry for this, however as you have told your husband about talking with online r/ships then you have answered your own question, now it's time for you to walk away if the marriage isn't what you had wanted and he hasn't treated you with respect.
If you have suggested counselling for the two of you and he has said no, then do as your heart wishes. Geoff.

Is it us... or just me?

topsy_ — Sun, 17 Sep 2017 01:03:09 GMT

Hi A103

I just wanted to say that I understand the feelings you are experiencing. It's tough when we face the decisions you are facing.

I had to make the decision whether to stay or walk away from my first marriage when I was 28. I had been married for 9 years & had 3 young daughters.

It is such a difficult & confusing time. I didn't want to give up on my marriage but I was desperately unhappy; I didn't want to feel like I failed; and I was scared witless about how, or if, I would cope on my own.

But here I am, 40 years later (+ a few!) with 9 grandchildren & a happy marriage with a loving husband of 20 years. (I hope that's not ambiguous!).

I guess what I'm saying is to believe in yourself & your choices & decisions. You are still so young & you have your whole life ahead of you. I really wish you well.

(I also think some of the above answers were a bit tough on you too).

With kind wishes, Lyn.

Is it us... or just me?

white knight — Sun, 17 Sep 2017 01:54:46 GMT

Hi A103

I truly do understand where you are coming from, in that we were harsh on you.

We are not professional counselors, we are individuals that most have illnesses of some soŕt that are well enough (sometimes) to put our experiences to good use but I'd suggest that as we are not trained we cannot offer you the same level of tact or empathy a trained person might give to you.

We also can only comment on what your post stated. If your husband has mistreated you then that is crutial information that was left out.

With any online advice you will always get judgement in my view as to whats right or wrong based on what we know. Your original post was not full of information and what information that you provided did not go in your favour.

You say he "puts you on the backburner". You admit you are incompatible. You ask us whether to leave him or not which is not something anyone can advise on....its for you and you only to decide. We can only at best highlight what we think we might do under the same situation or give our own experiences to help with our reply.

If you want to save your marriage there is no easy road...get help because most of us humans need a helping hand in life occasionally.

If he wont attend counseling and you really want to save your marriage then maybe attend counseling alone. He might decide to go with you if he knows its doomed if he doesnt.

Im sorry if my reply hurt you. I can assure you we here know whst hurt is all about. Good luck eh

Tony WK